Part 12: Episode XII: We Don't Need No Education
Episode XII: We Don't Need No Education
When last we left our hero, he did battle with the single most uninspired boss in the entire series. With that said, let's trudge toward the end of this mess...
Beyond the random soil room is the only actual laboratory looking room the game has to offer. There's more, according to the map, but they're all conveniently locked or otherwise inaccessible. For science, you see.
Also, for science, is this little number.
A laser rifle. What better to compliment the Chinese space ray than a laser blaster designed to look like a prop from a '20s sci-fi pulp novel.
The "Charged Particle Rifle" comes with a handy user manual. I had to flip it over once since it was all in Spanish. I hate doing that.
Charged Particle Rifle User's Manual
The "T-Buster" as designed by Billy Stone of Mrs. Lombardi's Second Grade Class.
I'd make fun of how retarded a laser blaster to deal with monsters made through kooky viruses was. But then I remembered Code Veronica had already done the laser cannon thing...
"We're fairly sure this can kill TG monsters because we shot a dog with it and it was pretty dead."
"Good sir, I find your armament design to be preposterous!"
"That was entirely uncalled for, chap."
So, the "T-Buster" is basically instant doom to any remaining enemies and has infinite ammo. It also can apparently kill Morpheus. Or, at the very least, cause him to mutant into some horrible monstrosity within the next half hour. One of the two.
There's also a 'backyard key'. I have no earthly idea what the hell this key's name is supposed to mean, as we're indoors, underwater, and possibly underground. In any case, it unlocks that chained up door from the previous update.
Which, in turn, leads to the area Fongling had passed through earlier.
Which leads to the elevator which takes Bruce to the entire floor which is devoted to Morpheus' office. It's not even the top or bottom floor. It's just a random level where Morpheus had seemingly called dibs on the real estate.
Or transgender nemesis has left behind a cute little diary with his deepest thoughts. This is also the final file of the game.
Thoughts on My Kingdom
So...are we in Africa now? DOES ANYTHING MAKE SENSE ANYMORE?!
I'm still confused as to why Umbrella was still funding Morpheus for years after firing him. But, I've never really been sure what the hell has been going on this game since the main villain stripped naked and grew laser nipples.
So, to open this secret elevator behind his office chair, Morpheus needed to get up and push his monstrous heavy chair to push a button on the floor. Then pull the chair back into place and ride down? I think most people just have a button beneath the desk for these sort of things...
For no particular reason, Bruce decides to walk in the opposite direction of the elevator.
What possible reason could Morpheus have to not just lop off spy girl's head and call it a day?
Bruce. It's a TV set. It can't hear you.
Oh yeah, that thing. Almost forgot.
So... How could Morpheus see Bruce through a security cam-- You know what? I'm not even going to try to question this thing anymore.
That is the most ridiculous looking design for a laser rifle I have ever seen. Buck Rogers would look at that thing and go 'you look like a fucking moron.'
Glad to see they spared no expense with the elevator to the final area. Oh, wait... It's the same one that they've used eight fucking times now.
Anyhow, the final save room presents itself. It is scattered with healing items and ammunition for all the big guns. As Morpheus is a sporting fellow. Or perhaps he's trying to trick Bruce into not using the giant fuck-off blaster cannon.
A dimly lit room with non-descript machinery. They're really going all out for the showdown area set-piece budget.
Fongling is just high enough so the ingame camera won't pick her up and be forced to render her during the upcoming battle. How caring of Morpheus to do that for the developers.
It would also be unlikely for Bruce to see her from that angle as well.
"I never told you my name..."
Of all the things of sheer stupidity in this game, and they are legion, I think this, specifically, is the stupidest...
Morpheus falters back to his male fake British voice for this line for no particular reason.
I was thinking of something to write for this screencap and my wife noted that they gave Morpheus nipples. It's like the fucking FedEx arrow. I cannot unsee it. Thanks, Fio, you're swell...
So Morpheus' big final villain speech before the showdown is basically 'Haha. You like girls. You're dumb.'
The only reason I can sleep well at night is the belief this game was the result of the Make a Wish foundation granting some terminally ill kid, with severe brain damage and only the most basic of motor functions, the wish of writing a survival horror game.
Boss Fight 4: Bruce "Assuming the Position" McGivern vs. The Man With Electric Titties
Morphine has a variety of attacks, all of which are of the incredibly over the top and utterly impossible ilk. Among them, jumping into the air, spinning around, and essentially doing a Psycho Crusher like M. Bison from Street Fighter.
You, sir, are no M. Bison.
Secondly, s/he has the ability to fly into the air.
And release a gigantic electrical storm.
Lastly, just some good old fashion Force Lightning.
Palpatine would be proud.
Anyhow, this fight basically consists of running around until Morpheus' AI bugs out (as he dodges constantly unless attacking. Except the times the AI just goes wonky and he walks around slowly back and forth. When this happens, shooting him in the
Repeat until dead. Entertainment not guaranteed. Chance of entertainment during this battle is less than 10%. Ask your doctor if Resident Evil: Dead Aim is right for entertaining you.
Morpheus rather uneventfully bites the dust.
Bruce attempts to awaken the unconscious Fongling by violently throttling her neck. I don't know what they were going for, either.
Looks like he's going for the Kano heart rip Fatality for his next attempt at reviving her.
It takes her about fifteen seconds to spit out these two lines in her horribly racist fake Chinese accent. I read the voice credits and "Clair O'Connor" doesn't sound very Chinese to me.
I hadn't noticed it until now, but what in the fuck is wrong with Bruce's hair? And why does the hair on the top of his head, his eyebrows, his sideburns, and his patchy ass goatee all have different colors? Was there anything done right in this game?!
I don't think there's ever been a more resounding "no" ever uttered.
Eight minutes? Industry standard is five or ten. They even fucked up the doomsday countdown time! How do you fuck that up?! HOW?!
Go! Whatever! See if I care.
The bottom left corner is where Bruce and Fongling are currently located. They need to get to the big area to the north. Trouble is, the architects decided to put a fucking maze in between...whatever this room is...and the missile silo.
Oh, and they didn't map the thing. Just set vague directions in the computer to get from here to there...
I made the exact same expression as Bruce upon hearing this next gameplay mechanic.
I actually, for the life of me, could not understand what Bruce mumbles before saying "Alright, let's do it." I listened to it five times and could not make it out. So 'cool' will have to do.
Bruce runs off to the most idiotic stretch of gameplay the game will offer.
Meanwhile, Morpheus is (surprise surprise) not dead.
You remember William Birkin? Remember how he made a gradual loss of humanity to the point he was a giant amorphous blob. Sure, he suddenly ballooned up five sizes when he got to that point, but at least there was a general progression to his transformation into the creeping vagina blob.
Resident Evil: Dead Aim will offer no such progression.
Tune in next time for mazes, giant blobs even sillier than creeping vaginas, and Engrish rap!