Part 13: Episode XIII: My Eye is Twitching
Episode XIII: My Eye is Twitching
When last we left our hero, he was heading for a maze. Also, Morpheus' chest burst open for no apparent reason and he started crawling on his back after Bruce. With that said, thank your deity of choice this is the end...
How'd we go from eight minutes to five in the span of thirty seconds? And what happened to my nerf gun laser device?
I bought a pack of cigarettes for this update. I might need a second one to make it through...
This is the only point in the game where there are mandatory subtitles and they can't even spell Morpheus' name right. There are THREE FUCKING NAMED CHARACTERS IN THE GAME AND THEY CANNOT SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT!!
So? Where's Morpheus? Is he behind that giant amorphous blob? Oh... His is that giant amorphous blob. He turned into a two story tall blob in the span of twenty seconds and the distance of a single room...
At least my day cannot get worse at this point...
So, the maze presents itself. This portion of the game involves running down corridors which look suspiciously like the lower levels of the ship area from the beginning of the game.
All the while, Fongling blurts out directions like an OnStar navigator. She sounds vaguely like it as well.
And just in case you're wondering, this is a full fledged maze with dead end corridors for no reason on than the sake of having a maze.
Eventually, Bruce comes to a copy and paste of the first room from this update.
I'm not even going to ask how a two story blob made it through a maze of tight corridors.
At this point, Bruce must actually drive back Morpheus while Fongling fiddles with the pressing the button to unlock the door. Which takes about thirty seconds, as she is a moron.
Morpheus doesn't actually have any attacks. He just walks forward slowly while his newly penis-esque head pops out from random holes on his 'body'. So yes, Morpheus has become essentially a mutant wack-a-mole game.
Should Morpheus make it all the way to the end of the platform, he crushes Bruce by continuing to walk slowly and he going splat as a result. There's no interesting animation to be seen. Just a loud crashing when he reaches the end of the wall.
Oh, and the entire sequence, maze and all, being restarted.
More maze action, coming right up.
Fongling, you're a cunt.
I'm sure you'll be a huge help.
Bruce eventually comes to yet another copied and pasted platform. Though, this one has big cylinders which I guess are supposed to be the missiles or something. This is more of a missile warehouse than a silo, really. How are they launching these things underwater from a warehouse? I don't even care anymore...
Hey, Fongling? Mind opening this? Oh wait, you ran off like the spastic dumbass you are. Leaving Bruce fucked.
So, yeah... Sort of fucked. But, guess who's here?
Still have no idea how he got in here. Good thing he's large enough to block the view behind him or they might have had to actually render a smashed wall or something.
Oh, haha. Remember how Morpheus was talking about people letting go when he was talking to the camera before? Ho ho. Bruce McGivern, you card.
Boss Fight 5: Bruce McGivern vs. Morpheus "The Giant Blob That Walks Forward" Duvall
The battle is the same as before. Only, now Bruce must actually kill him. Also, he walks slightly faster once he takes enough damage.
You know what this battle is? It's fucking Crocomire from Super Metroid? Minus the somewhat cool design, fun way to finish it off, and replaced with a cubic ton of suck.
What? That... It... But... What?
His gun backfired and blew off his hand. Shocking surprise ending!
Oh wait, just an excuse for bullet time CGI.
"Ask me about my obsession with genitalia and genitalia related products."
I shoot this fucking fifty times with a shotgun, magnum, assault rifle, and god knows what else. But, it is the handgun I haven't used since the beginning of the game which was his true weakness.
And what happened to the whole T/G-Monsters being immune to bullets due to force field science?
Science? Pfft. This is what you can do with your science...
"New York City?!"
What you are seeing is Morpheus expanding rapidly for no reason other than he got shot in the head.
Fongling shows up and takes a moment to notice the now three story blob cracking with electricity.
Not an explosion. That's still Morpheus ballooning up...
Into what appears to be a giant mass of cocks. A more appropriate end, there could not be.
So, what will be the end result of Morpheus' rapid expansion? A big gory bursting? A deflating with goo everywhere? Tearing into some new monstrous form? Pfft. You wish...
Try a nuclear explosion.
And, if you'll remember, that explosion came from half a mile underwater, six levels underground, and still managed to make the adjacent island explode as a result...
So... Everyone died? Really? A happy ending like that? It almost dulls the pain this game has inflicted. Which has been equivalent to having my dick in a vise while a horse kicks me in the balls and country music is playing non-stop.
We are no treated to a credit sequence of rockin' Engrish rap
Haha. Morpheus' actor's name was Angus.
I hate all of you and hope your families are slaughtered before your eyes by ninjas using only weedwackers.
Nobuyoshi Sano! My ears are still fucking bleeding from those ten second loops you call music!
It took seven people to design all those endless dark corridors and six to make the characters as compelling as they were. This game had to have been some scam to steal company money. It just had to have been. These woody smokers are all driving Ferraris right now.
Wait... What happened to the credits? There cannot possibly be more. Both the heroes were within ten yards of the monster which exploded with enough force to level an entire island from beneath the sea.
What is happening? Why won't it end?!
Oh Jesus Christ...
So, from within the missile silo maze blocked by a giant exploding blob on the bottom floor of the facility undersea, they managed to find a submersible life raft (when there wasn't even any of those in the fucking docking bay), evade the massive Morpheus explosion, and make it to the surface smelling like roses.
Does this even constitute a deus ex machina? What's the term for the writers going 'fuck it, they survived just because'.
Except the ever looming threat of possibly getting shot at by an inaccurate satellite's ion cannon.
"There's a gold sticker on my butt saying so."
Hur-hur. There's your big pay-off for the 'don-gua' thing. An insult that would be tame for even a six year old to use.
Fongling's face fucking terrifies me right there...
Well, I don't think 'Went to China. Was called an idiot' is important intel.
And so things fade off as the pair get their groove on after the revelation that Bruce can say idiot in Chinese makes Fongling cream herself.
Also, there are random helicopters. The end.
Morpheus Packs on the Pounds:
Showdown with the Blob:
The Ending - Part 1:
The Ending - Part 2:
On the Epilogue
Less than an hour and a half of the most purest and concentrated insanity, stupidity, and general torture any team could possibly muster.
And lastly... Hey Capcom...
Holy fuck... I think that may have been the single stupidest piece of media ever put on print. Just think, at your darkest hour when all seems lost... "It could be worse... I could be playing Resident Evil: Dead Aim". And all will be better...
Now fuck off, I don't care if it's two in the afternoon. I'm drinking...