Part 2: Episode II: Kung Fu Fightin'

Episode II: Kung Fu Fightin'

When last we left our hero, he was just emerging from the Uncanny Valley and into the low-res PS2 circle of hell. It's where they send wizards and mathematicians, I hear. With that said, let's continue...


Despite the big hole in the deck Morpheus fell through, Bruce infiltrates the lower decks through a vent shaft in the roof. As stated, Morpheus collapsed into a plot hole.


Unlike the previous Survivor game, movement is done through a third person perspective. It's still Resident Evil tank controls, only one spins the camera instead of the character, in order to turn. It manages to somehow be an even worse system than before. Think Resident Evil 4's camera if you could only spin it around Leon and not look sideways, up or down at anything faster than a snail's pace.

Heading further into the area, Bruce happens upon a messy scene. It looks like not all is right aboard the Spencer Rain.


In fact, everyone is quite dead. There is absolutely no reasoning or explanation how one effeminate guy with a revolver managed to kill everyone on the a cruise liner. But, then again, we're on an evil chemical company's Titanic sized resort ship, so maybe I'm thinking too far into things.

Anyhow, there is a lock on the doors in both sides of this hall. One is locked with an old fashion key and one is locked with a keycard. Let's explore the side rooms for a solution.


The only available room opens to reveal a grim sight. The poor woman, apparently not wanting to die at the hands of an anime reject with a fancy handgun, took her own life. I'm not sure how she managed to do that, seeing as there's nothing to jump off to hang herself remotely near her. But, truly a tragedy.


Further in the area reveals another corpse. This one with a death grip on some important items.


Firstly, a map. Maps in this game are important. Mostly because every corridor looks exactly the same and there is enough broken handles, shutters, dead ends and locked useless doors to make a Silent Hill game blush.


Secondly, is a key to one end of the previous hallway. Remember how Survivor had almost no backtracking? One of its few redeeming qualities. Yeah, this game is making up for it in fucking spades.


As soon as Bruce is done being all almighty, a crash comes from the previous room. Looks like that...whatever was supporting that woman's weight couldn't hold out.


It wouldn't be a Resident Evil game without zombies. Now to introduce the least fun part of the game: combat.


This game was designed for the Guncon 2. One of a handful of games designed to work with the thing such as gems like Time Crisis 3, Resident Evil Survivor 2, Dino Stalker, and Starsky & Hutch. Needless to say, nobody bought this thing and I laugh silently at you should you have. But don't feel too bad, I bought this game.


Anyhow, since I don't have a Guncon. I'm playing with the extra shitty default Dual Shock controls. Hitting R1 switches to 1st person mode. The right analog stick controls the targeting reticule. Controls in the floaty awkward as shit sense.

Moving the other movement control stick in any way will knock you out of 1st person mode. As will getting attacked. Trouble is, the aiming sight doesn't auto center. So if you were aiming at the ground, accidentally moved forward, and now there's a zombie in your face. Oops. You're still aiming at the thing's feet. Zombies only go down easily from head shots. Body shots hardly phase them. Even shooting a zombie in the head isn't enough. Unless you get a lucky critical blow, they'll simply reel back, forcing you to land a second shot to finish it.


Lastly, there is a crappy awareness system for enemies. By default, unless specifically spawned, zombies will wander around aimlessly or stand in place like dopes until alerted, at which point they'll flash red to indicate as much. When not alert, you can pop a head shot with a high chance of getting a critical. You can also get a silenced pistol in a bit to prevent alerting zombies.

It's not a big deal, in any case, as 90% of enemies can easily be run right past. There is also a dodge ability performed by hitting X just as an enemy attacks. There's no cool animations like in Nemesis. Just a lazy ducking animation while the zombie or whatever simply clips past you.


It's also worth mentioning there's limited inventory for bullets. There's seven slots for ammo. Handgun ammo can be maxed out in save rooms. But space must be given up to make room for other types of ammo. It's a minor annoyance, as mentioned, running past everything is the best strategy.


Anyway, Bruce downs the undead assailant after a bit of wrestling with the controls. Zombies are now all over the place. The key item beacon is in full effect.


The next area has a 'hey check this out' cutscene showing off the Titanic rip-off staircase. I guess the level designers were proud of it or something. There's absolutely nothing of note but four locked doors down there, despite indications.


Bruce continues down the beaten path, sneaking past the mysteriously dead ship occupants. Scattered documents liter the ground. That's right, folks. What no Resident Evil game is complete without...

Emergency FAX from Paris Branch

"This" Paris lab. Does Umbrella have 83 hidden laboratories in every city it sets up shop?


Warning: Another lunatic employee with viruses. Should you see said employee, please attempt not to attack Umbrella employees upon inevitable immediate zombification. Thank you.


Old Bruce also finds a keycard to the previous hallway. Time for a spot of zombie filled backtracking...

Insert zombie filled backtracking...


That wasn't so bad without the backtracking, sloppy controls, and murky corridors, now was it? *twitches*


Radio conversations, too? This game has it all. *twitch*





This part of the plot was in the instruction manual or maybe it just isn't clearly explained. But Morpheus is threatening to launch missiles with the T-virus samples at major cities unless the government pays up. I'm not sure how a non-airborne biological agent and missiles go together. But there you have it.


Michael Jackson stalks in the shadows...



The King of Pop does not fuck around.


Hey, that's not MJ at all! Gaudy eye shadow? Ridiculous kung fu moves? Silly, completely inappropriate outfit? Why, it's a Chinese spy girl if I've ever seen one.


Poor McGivern's radio smashes down below. Giving a premature end to the unseen forth character of the game. No, really. You've already seen all the characters the game has to offer.


I didn't make a typo. That's what he says. This game actually does, in fact, have subtitles. Trouble is...they're wrong... The subtitles are completely different from the actual dialogue. It's usually the same meaning, but worded in a totally different way. Even the intro monologue that already has the dialogue written out.


Shitty video game heroics.


Character Role Already Filled by Ada Wong releases Bruce for the moment.



So she can enact some more kung fu asskickery upon his sorry Southern ass.


I mean, really. She did drop a super grenade at the guy's feet ten minutes ago.


"Yeah, it was risted under 'ramest action hero' in the phone book."


I honestly have no idea what he's talking about here. I don't think he does either.


Nor does Asia Highkick here. Bruce uses this opening of confusion to his advantage.



And assumes the rape position.


Cooperation? What? Did I miss a cutscene somewhere here?


Even her name is ridiculously Chinese. I'm surprised they didn't put her in a Chinese dress to drive home the fact...


Oh, right...


Don't ask how she got Bruce's gun in the first place, without him knowing. It's a combination of spy sneakiness and Bruce being a schmuck.


Fong Ling assumes Cool Spy Pose #53 to honor the People's Republic.


And then drops Bruce's gun and runs off to a dead end she somehow manages to vanish into.


Yes, they will have some make out/implied sex James Bond type scene at the end. No need to wonder.

Tune in next time for aimless wandering and a bitch slap by the world's biggest man hand.

Bonus Content:

Me rove you rong time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GFHNYulKnI