Part 8: Episode VIII: Mumbles in the Dark
Episode VIII: Mumbles in the Dark
When last we left our hero, he dived off the top of a cruise liner, which crashed into a mountain and exploded. He then proceeded to wander around an abandoned town before leaping into the bottom of a hole beneath a water tower. With that said, let's a-go...
You know what I think this game needs? A sewer level. You know what this game is about to get a lengthy portion of? A sewer level.
The wily map in the following hall calls it a "waterway". No. It is a goddamn sewer and none of your fancy labeling will convince me otherwise.
There is a save room located just off the opening hallway. Inside it holds not one but two fabulous files!
Disposal in this facility means they just tossed it in the sewers and hoped for the best. No killing or anything. Just sort of let out of their cages in the canals and hoping for the best...
Torpedo Kids... Oh, I can't wait for this one...
Read: They explode on impact like an enemy from an NES game...
"And explode like children if they were filled with gas and looked like sperm."
I don't think that's how the birthing process works.
I was about to ask how much of a problem could kamikaze exploding monsters stuck in a drainage ditch could possibly be. Then I remembered this was Umbrella, where it is company standard to have your employees trek a half mile through knee deep human waste to get to the office.
Pretty bad if you've been at a job for only a month and already you're preparing for death. It takes a month and a half for that to set in at retail gigs...
So, anyone want to tell me how Morpheus went from running a sewage system for Umbrella...where the hell we are... Then manage to get transferred to Raccoon City next year and get fired... Only to come back four years later to take his revenge. Something about this timeline seems off...
Now, assuming this last entry was written not long after the previous one. That's a full year before Resident Evil 1. Did Morpheus have another solo slaughter of everyone in the area or has there been a biological disaster sitting here stewing for a solid five years?
Bruce wanders further into the sewers proper. In the distance, one can see the Torpedo Kids. We'll have more on them in a little bit...
The sewers are larger than the entirety of Raccoon City's sewage system for no obvious reason other than the developers hate me and anyone else who played this. The goal is, as it will frequently be from here on out, the lift in the south-east corner.
Bruce will be doing a whole lot of this to get there. Just be happy you can't hear the non-stop slushing water sound or the ten second loops of spooky moans serving as background ambience. Or the fifteen minutes of trekking around these identical corridors.
Further in, we have the source of the "Torpedo Kids". According to Wikipedia, it is a "Nautilus".
Okay... I'm not seeing that... What I'm seeing is a vein covered blob with a big vagina on the front which is popping out offspring like a Pez dispenser...
This creature must be seen in action to appreciate:
I think this constitutes spawn camping, to say the least...
Insert some really unbelievably dull gameplay.
Bruce eventually makes it to the lift. The modelers must have been very proud of their elevator design, as it crops up no more than six more times after this.
I'm not sure how good a reception a radio in an underground bunker is going to get. But knock yourself out.
Who is this "they"? Morpheus? The thing with one workable arm and coursing with so much electrical energy that it knocks out the power is going to load and launch missiles with viruses? That's stupid. You're stupid. Stop mumbling.
The Chinese are doing what now? We were cooperating with China? Then what the hell is Token Chinese Girl's problem? Why is every talking like they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.
"We'll there is only three characters in the game and one of them stripped naked and tore his dick off or something. Had to talk to someone."
You see, when China calls off an assassination, it doesn't just abort the mission and call the agent home. Oh no, sir. When China aborts a mission, it blasts its operatives with a laser cannon satellite in space. There is no joke to that previous sentence.
Well, there's that final push to get me moving to Canada.
Bruce uses his power of to channel his wayward not partner, who he is no longer cooperating with or whatever the hell we were supposed to gain from that last conversation.
Fongling finds herself in a dire confrontation. With what is, by far, the series' single most retarded creature design.
Yes, you are looking at a giant obese monster with the top of its head cut off and its brain stitched onto the exposed opening. I could, in no way, possibly make this monster any more idiotic than it already is.
Even Fongling and her hexagonal silencer don't know what the fuck to make of this thing.
Lucky for her, the geniuses at Umbrella R&D didn't take into account that the creature might need eyes...and ears...and the top of its head in general...to function properly. Thusly, it just wanders off. Its big meaty mouth hand clipping wildly through the wall on its waddling course.
Leaving Fongling alone to endure an even more tedious sewer section...in the next update...
Tune in next time for the most random plot device yet!
Someone was actually paid to model and animate this creature:
Why not to hire janitors for voice acting: