Part 34: In Royal Service
Part 34 - In Royal Service
When we last left off,

But before we can embark on our grand and noble quest, we still have one trial to overcome; another conversation with the self-proclaimed ruler of the facility.






We looked through the computers so we already know about the shadier side of their business of course, but he'll tell you about it here even if you didn't.






Phil sounds almost lucid when talking about the pre-lockdown times, maybe he's not as far gone as it seemed at first. Still, one man's meat is another man's payday as my neighbor Harry "Millenium Hose" Hernandez used to say. He was good people, that Harry.




Warmth, safety, personal cooks, infinite food and company of a sort... in a strange way Philip does actually live a bit like a king compared to many people on the outside. Maybe he's the one who really has things figured out.


[He rubs his chin, grinning.]



That's... a lot of drones, and one of those little details Ezkibel could've maybe mentioned before sending us in here. Could be just another one of Philip's little embellishments of course, but it's maybe better if we never find out.





Oh come on, it's still just a single basilisk, you could've solved this whole situation a long time ago with that kind of firepower. Bah, the next guy had better figure out the security systems before going mad.




[His voice lowers to an ominous whisper.]



Not sure whether an actual trip to the realm of the dead and damned would be preferable to another sewer descent, to be perfectly honest. Moving on, we still haven't asked the million-yen question.


[He falls silent.]
[There is a long, awkward pause.]


I... do we? There's this sudden sense of dread permeating the air, like this is one of those pieces of knowledge we'll wish we could eject from our minds after learning it because of how dumb it turns out to be.


Too late for regrets now.


[He raises his voice and gestures theatrically.]

Now there's a relatable feeling.


[He falls silent, blinking. As you watch, his expression clouds. When he speaks again, his voice is small.]






All the people who ended up dying horrible deaths because of one exec's caffeine addiction and disregard for safety precautions would probably disagree, but I guess they won't be filing any complaints at this point.
Bringing up this next and last topic is probably a bad idea, but...

[Staring at you, Philip slowly nods.]


Right, he only had six episodes on his computer but Blitz mentioned a seventh earlier.
[Philip reels as if though he's been struck.]



Good job Blitz, pretty sure you just tore the poor guy's world apart. Who's the real demon lord here?
[He lurches forward, his hands clasped in supplication.]


Huh, no kidding? Doesn't seem like the quarantine itself is bothering anyone relevant anymore, but if it's really that easy...



Ah geez, alright, alright. Since it means that much, let's help a guy out.
Now if you don't have a decker with you but still wish to help Philip attain his newfound life goal, you'll have to have some Charisma and take the conversation in a different direction:
quote:
You could always leave the building with me when I'm through here. In the outside world, you'll have no trouble finding that last episode.
No, stranger. I cannot leave this place. I am its sworn protector, and I *will not* shirk my responsibilities. I will suffer, as Titonius Rex suffered when he sent Brenna-thay back to Trala-sheen. This is my burden to bear.
(Charisma 3) Don't give in to despair, Philip Rex! For this is *your* quest - to find the legendary missing episode!
[He blinks.] Mine? But I... I cannot leave... I can't abandon my kingdom! Not even for my heart's greatest desire! Responsibility is what being a Knight-King is all about!
Then perhaps you could appoint a vassal to undertake this quest for you. You have worthy peasants at your disposal, do you not?
[His brow furrows in concentration. Finally, he gives you a slow nod.]
I do, my friend. I do. After I have fortified myself with healthful snacks, I will assemble a fellowship of stalwart peasants and elevate them to knighthood.
In number, they will be seven. Seven Knight-Thanes of Sutterlin BioScience, questing in service of their Knight-King! They will find the Lost Episode - THIS I SWEAR!
[He pulls himself up to his full height, puffing his chest outward. Somehow, this makes him look even less impressive.]
They will RETRIEVE the glorious Episode Seven and RETURN IT to its RIGHTFUL PLACE! And they will HEW IN TWAIN the HEATHEN DOGS who seek to hoard its magnificence for THEMSELVES!
You do that, Phil! Make it happen! Their quest will pass into legend!
[He nods vigorously, beaming.] I will, my friend! I will! But first, I will indulge in sugary snacks!

Time to get a move on. First things first, we use our new keycard to open up the Clearance B door we passed through earlier and pick up an Advanced Medkit hanging from the wall. There's another ladder here, might as well investigate since that's the direction we're going anyway.

No killer basilisks in this small chamber, but we do find a locked safe with a keycard reader. It probably wouldn't make much sense for it to require higher clearance than the room itself, so...


It's nice not having to jump over a dozen hurdles to get where you want to be, sometimes.


Inside we find another souvenir for Ezkibel, not that we'll be making use of this since our Essence is a tad more precious than the occasional -3 to incoming damage.

We briefly return to the surface before descending down yet again, this time using the closer one of the two ladders we passed by when we first arrived.

Yep, that's a sewer alright, won't need to call in the experts to verify that one. Now to find the local troublemaker.

But first we'll go through this pile of garbage in the small enclosed space to the south, trading some trace amount of self-respect for ¥43.

Fortunately this sewer section is even simpler than the last one, there's nothing else here except for the B-clearance door we were looking for. The nearby ladder simply leads back to the surface and serves as an alternate path to Philip and his drones in case you couldn't hack open the keycard-locked door like we did.

Yeah, lovely. Really feeling the spirit and glamour of adventure right now.


Alright, let's see what we've got.

You know it's been a weird day when an albino basilisk and a pair of hellhounds somehow manages to be the most predictable thing we've encountered so far.


Alright, time for what you might consider the first actual boss battle since the prologue, Billy & The Hellhounds who have apparently established some kind of cross-species alliance. Billy is a big boi basilisk with the same 100 HP that Pitezel the troll had in the previous game. Remember that guy? Giant ugly henchman of the obviously evil serial killer doctor? Can't really blame you if you don't.
Anyway, the obvious sign of the hellhounds not quite being your usual hot dogs is the fact that Eiger only has a measly 65% hit chance despite standing almost next to one with a shotgun in hand. Someone must've used too much grease.

That's not much help against Blind or Mind Wipe though because those spells are busted as hell due to being practically unavoidable. The only thing stopping us from permanently disabling Billy on turn 1 is because it'd make this fight about three images long and that's just not very interesting.

Billy himself quickly takes advantage of our dedication to quality LPing and removes the option with its petrifying gaze. Which really doesn't look like a gaze attack at all and more like it's shouting particularly scathing obscenities at us. The Hellhound meanwhile tries to do the one thing Hellhounds are good at and fails miserably even at that.

Whatever experiments these things underwent, it didn't imbue them with the common knowledge that you should never group up in the vicinity of an army-trained troll carrying three different kinds of grenades. Eiger's concussion grenade manages to knock them both unconscious, and I'd only be humoring you if I tried to pretend like we were in any real danger from this point on.

Dietrich hasn't even bothered entering the room, instead supporting from the backlines with his buffs, a summoned Air Elemental and a stylish finishing blow with a throwing knife that the poor hellhound never even saw coming, what with being magically blinded and all.

The entirety of the next turn consists of the team whittling down the HP of the two remaining beasts which are incapable of fighting back. Eiger still manages to throw her Phosphorus Grenade off-target, but it's close enough to accomplish its main fuction of armor removal so we'll let it slide. Still, pretty embarassing.

At this point I also realize that Dietrich's leyline-creating ability that he was granted after the Humanis mission has now upgraded to Rank 2, taking it from "complete waste of AP" to "mostly a waste of AP unless you brought a Mage". The Medium Leyline he now creates boosts the HP and AP damage of Mage spells on top of providing +10% spell accuracy, which is a much nicer package than the measly +5% accuracy (and nothing else) it was before.

Especially since it just so happens that Mages have access to an area spell which deals both types of damage and benefits greatly from increased accuracy, all at the same time. Dragonslayer's Favor is one pretty solid reason to pick Lightning Ball over the other area damage spells, turning it into (yet another) ability capable of turning the tide of a fight in a single cast.

At this point a third Hellhound pops up behind the group, but it's too late to really be able to do anything meaningful.

Or, in fact, anything at all aside from trying to play fetch with a pair of sniper bullets from Eiger. Caught them both perfectly too, what a well-trained boy.

Meanwhile Blitz sprays down Billy himself, bringing an end to this somewhat anti-climactic encounter with the clearly overhyped "beast from below".



This mission loves its goop-covered keycards. That bioware had better be useful...

On our way back we stop by a computer terminal to fulfill Philip's other, arguably much more important, request.



Err...


[His fingers dance over the deck's keypad. A few minutes later, he glances up with a smile.]




Like an enormous mound of elephant turd.

Still, I get the feeling His Majesty over here isn't going to demand for an Extended Cut to fix the crappy ending.





[Phil takes off running in the direction of the records room.]

We should probably give him a moment and bask in the warmth of our single Karma point for a bit in the meantime.
...
...
...
...Alright, he should be done by now.

At least he still has his pants on, so that's good. Well, was it worth the wait?

Yeah, it sounded like it'd be right up your alley. Now let's go get that door open before he tries to offer us the hand of a princess in marriage or something. Never seen a drone in a dress, and don't much care to either.

We'll just swipe our slightly digested keycard here and...


Oh uh, after you, I guess.

Like a kid in a candy store. Or a flesheating Knight-King at the snack bar.


[He throws back his head and barks out a laugh.]


Sure wouldn't mind bringing a horde of "peasants" with us when we confront the one behind this whole mess. But we'll probably be fine from here on out.

The kingdom is saved and its ruler's appetite for a slightly less organic diet satiated. All that's left is to find the goods and bring 'em home, hopefully without further incident.
So, tune in next time for the wholly incident-free* conclusion!
*tems and conditions may apply