Part 10: Recruiting the Goth Kids
Hello everyone. Welcome to Douchebag's second day in South Park. Seems like it's awfully late in the morning, though. I hope we're not late for school.
Some of the animations in this game are pretty adorable.
I guess that answers the question of if last night was a dream. Though I have serious questions about how Douchebag got back to his bed after that awful crash and explosion.
I briefly consider assigning the upgrade point, but decide against it. There's nothing right now I really want to upgrade, and I'm itching to try out the new Funnel of Frost ability.
: Thanks again for getting me out of there. I tried to tell them to stop, but I'm just too polite.
: Hey, New Kid! Thanks for playing with us yesterday. It was really fun! Hope you'll play with us again today!Token and Craig like this.
: Good morning, champ!: GOOOD MOORNING.: Ugh.
: School's been cancelled for a few days, sweetie. Go check it out on the news!: Looks like you have a couple days off school, honey. More time to meet some new friends in the neighborhood.: Come on, honey. It's a whole new town. Go outside!: That's worse than before! You look like a girl!I have no idea what you need to do to trigger this response. In all the times I've played through this game, I've never seen it happen, and my script just throws it in there without comment.
: C'mon, son. Get out there. Make friends.: Maybe you could try calling one of your friends today on your new phone! Just- just a thought.While we're here, let's talk to mom and dad.
: You can't expect me to pat you on the back just because you've made a few friends. As soon as you have a LOT of friends, then I'll be proud.: You're really gonna go outside with that hair?: So you realize that your hair looks like that?: C'mon, son. Get out there. Make friends.: Hmm. You're not as ugly as I remember.: Son, I'll give you twenty dollars if you talk right now.: Go play with your new friends today.After saying the last bit, dad adds us on Facebook! The script claims that he only does so after you beat the main plot, but I've been able to get it to trigger on day 1. I think you need somewhere north of 50 friends before he'll add you, though.
: Oh, look, you've made friends! I'll be your friend too, sweetie. It'll make you look popular.: Go look around the neighborhood.: Go on outside, sweetie.: Watch out for strangers.: I hope your new friends are well behaved.Mom adds us after the first line. But we're now Facebook friends with both of our parents!
I think that puts us at 58? That's nearly half of the available friends in the game.
When we try to leave the house...
Video:
: AGHGH!! MY GOD!! They came outta nowhere!
: There was a huge earthquake and then, and then there was burning in my yard! Didn't you hear about it?! It's all over the news! Here look!
: ...and that a large earthquake and several fires in the South Park area last night woke many residents from their sleep. Here with a report is a midget in a bikini.
: Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mask the construction of a new Taco Bell which will open sometime later this month.
: Thanks, Midget, I do love me some Taco Bell. The mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon.
: It's horrible. You don't understand. The elves... THEY TOOK THE STICK! And it's BULLSHIT, because that is TOTALLY CHEATING! We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are DIRTY LITTLE LIARS! And we have to lay waste to their ENTIRE BASE! You have some incredible quality to make friends quickly, Sir Douchebag. I'm sending you on a quest to go out into the lands of Zaron and recruit a whole 'nother FACTION to Kupa Keep. Find the goth kids and give them this letter.
: Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the Drow Elves once and for all!
: Fucking cheaters...
Goth kids, huh? Sure, we can do that.
: I was just coming over to see if - well, if you wanted to come play with us again.Try and tell me that Butters isn't condensed
Anyway, we'll get to the goth kids in short order. In the last update, which you may or may not have been able to legally read, we acquired a movement ability.
You can see the "new Taco Bell" in the background. It looks an awful lot like a crashed spaceship, but that could just be me.
We also get a chance to raid Jimmy's garage.
I've never actually used the Jester's Cap. It's not part of any particular armor set, just one of the many random hats you'll get. If you haven't done so, you still appear to have a chance to raid Jimmy's house. I'm not sure exactly when, but his front door will eventually be blocked off with police tape.
Over next to Kevin Stoley's house...
We can beam into the upper room of that locked house.
This patch returns 2PP when you deal a ranged attack.
When reviewing my recording for this, I realized that I missed a collectible outside of the community center. We'll be back for it eventually.
Anyway, the Goth Kids are in here.
Video:
: Who's that?
: I think it's that new kid people are talking about.
: Beat it, New Kid, this area is strictly for goth kids.
: What's this?
: "Join the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to battle the wicked elves. All recruits welcome."
: Sorry, Frodo, we don't play Dungeons and Douchebags.: Yeah, beat it, New Kid.
: Aw, come on, let's do it. We never do anything.: No WAY! We can't do what this kid asks us to do! He's a conformist! Look at his clothes and his hair!: Yeah, tell you what, New Kid. Get the right clothes and some cigarettes and coffee and then talk to us again.: Yeah, if you wanna prove you aren't a conformist then you need to look exactly like we do. Then MAYBE we'll consider hanging out with you.
Right. Our next stop on the re-tour of the town is Stark's Pond.
See that probe way off in the distance?
Yeah, it's kinda important.
: Hey, if 20 people like this post, some site said I'll win a free iPad!Randy likes this.
Raise your hand if you were expecting to see Santa hacking into the police database.
: Ho ho ho! Well looks like you caught Santa checking the police database to see who's been naughty. You wouldn't tell on Santa would you?: I hope you haven't been farting on anyone's balls. That would be very naughty. We're now friends with Santa!
The Demon Sticker adds 20 damage to attacks, while the Samurai patch gives you 10 armor.
Way over on top of the bank we can find a series of probes.
Enemies that spawn on top of the bank, at least in my experience, tend to be more difficult than others. Luckily there's only one occasion you will ever need to go up there: this one.
This is the next set I'm going to be equipping. I didn't really experiment with armored, well, armor until I did a play-through as a warrior, and it was pretty nice.
I'm sure you all have noticed this cracked window. Let's break it.
Hey, a probe!
: Wow, breaking and entering! That was awesome!: I hope I can destroy property someday.Douglas is pretty difficult to find. It's not immediately apparent that you can beam into the building. There's also a chest over to the right, on top of the Photo-Dojo.
The Snowflake patch adds 2PP each time we deal frost damage. This is just as absolutely broken as the fire patch we found a few updates ago.
The next probe is way over here, above Butters' storage locker.
That's 2/3 of the Squire set.
: Hey, I tried to send you a link to a clip of a rabbit playing with a cat, but it's not working. It's pretty cute. You should look it up later.
The last piece is up here, above Token's house.
See the cracked chimney on the left? Beam up to it and smack it. There's a chest inside.
The Wooden Grip is also really nice. It adds 80 damage to any attack. However, we need to be level 10 to even equip it.
We look kinda dumb, but we have a small measure of armor now. If we continue on as a heavily armored battlemage, we can get some really nice armor soon. It has, I believe, somewhere north of 90 armor.
This took me a while to get a proper capture of. I had a lot of difficulty with the timing, and I can't really explain why.
The idea is you're supposed to release A the second the hose starts to vibrate. Also look at how many times we deal damage (and heal ourselves). This move is really nice.
Now that we're (mostly) done exploring around with the probe, let's make ourselves look more goth.
Well that's handy. $16 is pretty cheap for story-required armor.
Mmm. Taco Bell.
We could approach the crowd, and it would show us a cutscene. But right now there's no reason to care. Besides, we're on a mission to recruit the goth kids.
That looks suspicious.
It kinda looks like a Pansage, only less dumb.
: (6th Grade Leader) Last cigarette. You guys got more?: (6th Grader w/ Blue Cap) Yeah, we just stole a fresh pack.: (6th Grade Leader) Not the girl kind again.: (6th Grader w/ Blue Cap) Yeah, they're slims. Smoke two if you're such a big man, asshole.: (6th Grade Leader) (when you pass) Get lost, kid. We're trying to smoke here.: (6th Grade Leader) (when you talk) Take your stupid hair and leave!What kind of insult is "take your stupid hair and leave"? I was going to anyway for story reasons, but these guys need to be taught a lesson in general.
: (idle) I got all the time in the world, bitch.: (idle) Make your move.: (idle) Stalling won't save you.
The battle goes as well as you'd expect. We're armed with weapons. They're not and they've been smoking.
One of them was even nice enough to donate his lighter to our cause. This adds 25 fire damage on hit. It feels like we're forgetting something. What was it?
Oh right, coffee. Dark roast in particular.
Well let's get some.
$1.00 for a cup of coffee is pretty good, especially from Tweek's Coffee.
Alright let's re... turn... Uh, hi guys.
Video:
: Hey there he is! New Kid!: New Kid, the Elf King has requested your presence. You can either come quietly or you can fight. But I warn you, fighting this fight at this point in the game is a complete waste of time and you might as well skip it and just come with us.Well he does make a good point. Let's go quietly.
: You chose wisely, New Kid. Come with us.Yeah right. Let's throw down. I can take all four of you!
: There is NO WAY you can win and fighting will be a complete waste of time. Are you SURE you want to fight?
: (sigh) Okay, let's get this over with...
This is a perfectly normal random encounter, there's just four enemies. We fought this exact same group at the start of the game when had a shitty weapon and abilities. We're now kitted out in some of the best shit you can have at this point in the game.
Guess how it goes.
This next bit happens regardless if you win or lose that fight.
: We tried to warn you it was useless but you just had to go and try and fight.
: Let's go.
In case anyone was wondering where Kyle and Stan were. Of course it makes sense that Kyle would be leading the faction that opposes Cartman's.
: So... you're the new kid everyone is talking about. What's your name?
: He doesn't talk, Elf King, he thinks he's hot shit or something.
: You're playing for the wrong side, dude.
: What did Wizard fatass tell you? That we broke the rules and took the Stick last night? He's lying.
: Cartman is the one you should be fighting against. He's hiding the Stick -- which is cheating -- and acting all betrayed and sad to get you to recruit more people for him.
: We tracked a Twitter raven who says you are currently trying to recruit the goths for the Wizard. Go recruit them -- but bring them to US. Then we can ransack Cartman's stupid kingdom and get the Stick back once and for all. I'm trusting you to do what's right.
: And kid... if you betray us, we'll tell everyone you're a butthole.
: I am sending our best ranger to help guide you. The Bard is also at your disposal now.: Don't let Cartman use you.Until further notice, there are no more random encounters in the town. We can also call on both Jimmy and Stan as combat buddies. Both are really useful to have, especially Stan who can hit multiple targets with his massive sword.
So now that we've got the Elf Kingdom open to us, let's poke around. Several sidequests open up and we can access their vendor. So let's start on the far left with this dirty kid. His name is DogPoo.
: The humans have raised banners around town, claiming elf territory for their own. So sayeth the Well of Insight. Plus it's all over Twitter. The Well says balance can be restored only if a Chosen One were to fuck up their banners.: These human banners are dark tidings. Will no one break the shit out of them?
The final Timmy flag is in the middle of Kyle's backyard. When we find it, we get Timmy as a facebook friend.
: Our king may trust you, but that doesn't mean I have to.
This "wand" seems pretty nice. Innate frost damage is pretty handy. I don't use it, though.
We can get something right here that has a hell of a lot more raw damage and deals bleeding on each hit.
: Any ally of the Elf King is an ally of mine. And my shop is open to you.: We elves craft the finest shit in the land.
Yeah, this shit's pretty good.
Yeah. This shit is really good. Four hits means four stacks of bleeding on one target!
The armor is also pretty nice. The Woodsman set is pretty heavily armored.
Finally the new weapon attachments. They're kinda really good too.
Our new sword is on fire and adds a stack of bleed on perfect attack.
Our new bow hits really goddamn hard and adds 4 stacks of bleeding on perfect attack.
Finally, Jimmy and Stan both have quests for us to complete.
: You know what every good bard should have? A flute. If I had a flute, I could play f-f-fantastic melodies. If I only had a flute. My Facebook says the rancher might be selling one. You know where the ranch is? I'd love to see if I can buy that flute.: Hey, you wanna go to the ranch? Maybe I can finally get that - get that flute.: Perhaps you would like the services of a level ten bard? I am a m-master in the art of songs and jokes. There w-was a f-fair maiden from S-S-Stonebury Ha-hollowwww. I'm your hu-huckleberry.
: All is lost. My contacts, my maps, my friends list. All taken from me by the She-Ogre. She has no soul. You will help me battle the She-Ogre and reclaim my iPhone? Perhaps you ARE one to be trusted. Very well. Let us end this.: Need my help with anything?
Well guys, we're now at a crossroads. On one hand we have Cartman and the KKK. He befriended us and has been, if nothing else, courteous.
On the other side we have Kyle and the Drow Elf Kingdom. From the start, his Elves have been harassing us at every turn. He also threatened to tell everyone we were a butthole if we didn't join him. But he also called a temporary truce and put his best warriors at our disposal.
That link, by the way, is to a poll. You should probably vote in it. Voting will remain open until 19:00 (EST) on August 19th, 2015. That's three days from now, after I post the next update.
EDIT Aug 19, 2015 - 19:13 PM, EST.
We're siding with the elves.
I'll still record whichever side doesn't win the popular vote. We'll just see what happens with them in a bonus update after the end of day 2. So don't worry about missing out on anything.