Part 15: A Flute is Just What I Need to Play Magical Songs of Enchantment
Hello everyone. If I'm not mistaken, we're very nearly done with sidequests for the whole rest of the game. That means that from this update onward, it's going to be pretty much main-lining the story mode. We've still got quite a ways to go, but I thought you guys might find that tidbit interesting.
Today's first stop is the
Video:
: Folks, there's nothing to be concerned with here. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going on. We're simply getting ready for the grand opening of a new Taco Bell.
: New Taco Bell opening soon, very big Taco Bell. It's gonna open in a few weeks. Thank you.
: Ah, will this Taco Bell be serving enchiritos?: What?: Well, is it gonna be a full menu Taco Bell, or is this gonna be one of those Taco Bell/KFC combos?
: We got a guy out here asking a lot of questions.
: Just stick to the script as laid out in the protocol.: But he wants to know if the Taco Bell will have enchiritos or not, sir.: Dammit, we don't have a contingency for that. Michaels, isolate and neutralize the threat.: Yes sir.
: Look, it's a simple question. If this is gonna be a huge Taco Bell, will it serve enchiritos? I think we have a right to know-
: Mark?
: Folks, we know you're all very excited, but for your safety we ask you stay clear of the construction site.
: Mark?
: Sweetie?Stupid persistent tutorial messages are my bane in this game.
: Sorry, absolutely nobody allowed past.: Check back in a few weeks, thank you.: (if shot) Go bug somebody else.: (if shot) I'm not gonna fight with you, kid.: (if shot) That's enough.: (if shot) Ow. Beat it, kid.
See how the soldiers are discolored green? That means that they'll be affected by sneaky squeaker if you detonate it.
They'll be led off by the sound of the fart. Speaking of which, time for some dialogue for when these guys are affected by the fart!
: Huh?: Hey.: That's odd.: What was that?: Scuzzlebutt??: Madonna? Ma'am?: Is that you, God?: Elephant poachers.: Shh! What was that?: Hey! What was that?: I think I heard a beetle dying!: We're being stalked by a beaver family.: Sounds like someone's having car trouble.: What was that? Is somebody here?? I'll find you!: I think someone's testing Tupperware.: Huh, guess Nicki Minaj released a new single.: Sounds like... ketchup in a squeeze bottle.: Sounded like a clown horn filled with prune juice.: Shh. I think someone's eating crab wontons.: Did I just fart, or was I just thinking about farting?: Hmm... must be hearing things. But I could have sworn I -- what is that smell?: Something over here ... smells like ... Madonna. Madonna? Must be my imagination, but it sure does smell like her.I have no ending for this so I take a small bow.
: This place doesn't really look like a Taco bell.
: (This place doesn't really look like it's a Taco Bell.)
: This place doesn't really LOOK like a Taco Bell.
: Hmm. I-I don't think this looks like a Taco Bell.Luring enemies into environmental hazards with farts isn't something you can do very often.
You can alternatively trap the soldier in the truck. You can shoot the gate and make it lower, though if you do so you miss out on some treasure.
The moon rock adds 50 frost damage to attacks, so it's worth electrocuting an innocent man instead.
If you enter the front door you get confronted by two soldiers and kicked out. So teleport onto the roof instead.
: (if he sees you) Hey! (alarm sounds) Hey, get out of there! That's Taco Bell property!
The treasure chest in the background has this weapon. I've never used it, but it seems pretty decent.
Our destination is in here.
Video:
: ...but so far we have been unable to stop the UFO from leaking the toxic waste.
: We've contained all we can but there are no guarantees an outbreak will not occur.: And does the alien liquid appear to have the same effect as... last time?: I'm afraid so. When the alien waste reacts with organic material on Earth it turns things into... Nazi zombies.
: (Speaking German)
: Here we go again.
: Goddammit. I am so tired of Nazi zombies. It's so overused.: If the wrong person gets their hands on that green toxin, it could totally spread and... we have a big problem.
: Alright, we're going to have to completely obliterate EVERYTHING in a three block radius.
: Find locations for the bombs and bury it all. Then make up a fake story about an earthquake.
: We can contain the outbreak this time if we act quickly enough. Let's MOVE!
: Everything we've just talked about has been recorded onto this tape. I'm going to leave it alone here for a few minutes, then come back later and have it encrypted and locked away so nobody ever hears what was said in this meeting.
: Yes. Good idea.
: What the fuck?: IT'S BROKEN FREE!: (Speaking German)
So how do you guys like that? Nazi Zombies. From here until the end of the game, these sorry bastards are gonna replace the elves around town as random encounters.
They aren't particularly hardy.
They have several attacks, most of which are just reprisals of the hobos from earlier. Nazi Zombie Bite is one of their few unique attacks.
They'll try to attack with it so much that you'll have absolutely no trouble blocking it. All it does is drain some health from their target and return it to them. Doing some napkin math here, the zombie drained just over 1% of Stan's health after he blocked the attack. It's not exactly threatening.
You know, I'm having a hard time deciding which is worse. Dying wearing sandals with socks and resurrecting as a zombie, or being killed by that same zombie. Probably the former.
Anyway, all three bodies have useful loot.
The zombie has a patch that increases melee damage by 50 points.
The two soldiers have a new set of armor. It's not as good as what we're wearing, though you can use the helmet to have some fun.
It has no slots for armor patches, but look at that innate ability. As far as I know, it's the only item in the game that gives you that innate.
: Man, this secret government base room sure is boring. You'd think that a secret government base would have more cool stuff in it.: (Man, this secret government base sure is boring. You'd think a secret government base would have more cool stuff in it.): Man, this secret government base room sure is boring. You'd think that a secret government base would have more cool stuff in it.: Man, this secret government base room sure is boring. You would think that a secret government base would have more cool stuff in it.Grab the tape recorder, but don't rush back out the door. You see, everything in this three-room dungeon is permanently missable. Yeah, we're back to that crap again. So that SWAT set, the hammer outside, the moon rock, the pentagram patch, and everything in this room. All of that will eventually be unavailable.
This is arguably the most important collectible in here.
There's also a "Tesla coil" weapon sticker on the other side. It adds 50 points of electric damage to attacks.
Once you have everything, there's no point in sticking around. So let's get back to the PTA with our evidence.
: There's something really weird about those pale German guys.: I-I think those guys are new in town.: Are those N-Nazis? I thought we were past this, Am-America.
Zombies with weapons can and will use them. If you all remember the secret service last time and how much damage they dealt, now imagine a random encounter doing that to you. Always prioritize guys with guns. Military zombies can also toss grenades, but it seems to be more rare.
We need Jimmy for this next part. Also look at the two silhouettes in the background. There is absolutely no doubt who the last two remaining buddies are.
Despite being in the middle of a nazi zombie apocalypse, there is an upside. This asshole will no longer make snide comments every time you pass by. Instead he'll yell something in German.
Here we go. We need to get that flute for Jimmy.
Video:
: Oh boy the cattle ranch! We're here! Excuse us? Hello?
: Hey! Get off my ranch!
: Sorry to bother you, sir. We are elven warriors of the forest. I understand you might have a f-f-flute for sale?: You wanna buy the flute?: It just so happens I'm a level ten bard, and a flute is just what I need to play magical songs of enchamen- Of encha-cha... Magical songs of ench- Of en- A flute is just what I need to play m- A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha- Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench- Of enchantme- A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha- Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench- -cha- Magical songs of ench- Of en- ... Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench- Of enchantme- A flute is just what I need to play m- A flute is just what I need to play magical songs of encha- Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench- Of enchantme- Magical songs of ench- Of en- Of encha- A flute is just what I nee to play magical songs of encha- Enchantment!It seriously lasts that long. If you don't believe me, click on the video. It contains 50 seconds of Jimmy struggling over "Magical Songs of Enchantment."
: Yeah, well, only problem is the flute's in the barn and there's where the crazy cattle are locked up! Damnedest thing I ever saw. Some of the cattle started acting real funny. I tried to calm 'em down but they shouted something in German and then tried to kill me!: Well, don't worry sir. You just need the help from a level ten bard and his warrior friend. Leave it to us!: All right, if you say so. Here's the keys to the barn.
Cattle shouting something in German? Why does that sound eerily familiar?
: All right, cows. It's time to stop misbehavin'.
: Looks like we got a fight on our hands.
This here is the reason I waited so long to do this sidequest. These guys' existence kind of spoiled the "twist" that happened a little bit ago. In case you're curious, the hobo on the alien ship was also a nazi zombie, he just had the good taste to not wear a swastika armband.
Nazi zombie cows have interesting AI. There's only seven in the entire game, and all they do is run up at you and commit suicide with lit dynamite.
Well if they're so eager to explode...
All-in-all a much easier sidequest than the She-Ogre we defeated for Stan.
: Hey, you did it! You elves are pretty all right! Did you find the flute?: I sure did, Rancher Bill! And now my bardic abilities will be greater than ever before.
: Well, ya earned it. See ya round.: Thanks, New Kid. I couldn't have done it without you. Where should we go next?
: I'm doing three shows a night at the Giggling Donkey starting next week. Here's a sample from my next set.: What has two crutches, and likes being a bard?: Give up?: This guy!: Wow, what a fantastic audience.
Fast forwarding back to the community center...
: Okay thanks, you threw that away for me? You might be thinking I still have a hoarding issue, but you'd be wrong, m'kay? Would you like to be friends on Facebook?Video:
: What's this? It's a recording! There's data on here...
: Did they say anything?
: What kind of Taco Bell is it going to be?: When are they gonna be finished building it?!: Shh! Shh!
: Alright, we're going to have to completely obliterate EVERYTHING in a three block radius.
: What??: Set charges underground to blow up the area and bury it all. Then make a fake story about an earthquake.
: They're gonna just blow up three blocks?: Sons of bitches. YOU SONS OF BITCHES!
: What gives them the right?: I knew there was more to this. It's not a simple Taco Bell we're dealing with. It's the most massive Taco Bell ever built. You see, ever since the whole Doritos Locos Tacos thing, Taco Bell thinks they can do whatever they want.: Well, not here! Not in our town!: You've done well, New Kid. We're not going to let Taco Bell win. I'll take that picture you wanted now of you with the PTA.
: Nice. I'll send it to you.
: Just because I'm your friend now doesn't mean you get to screw around.: I used to like Taco Bell, too.: That's the last time Taco Bell fucks with the PTA.: They picked the wrong town to mess with.: The PTA will call on you should we need you again.: You did very well today, young man.: I friend all new students so I can monitor them.: Kyle is so lucky to have so many nice neighbors his age!: This calls for a VERY big PTA meeting.We're now Facebook friends with the entire South Park PTA! So that's another five friends added to the total.
Well, time to put the greasy outfit back on and show how non-conformist we are.
: Whoa, he did it.
: Nice.
: Yeah, but he's still not goth. He'll have to pass the final test. You may LOOK goth, Frodo, but can you DANCE goth?
So this may seem familiar. It's another rhythm minigame.
: Less enthusiasm.: You call that smoking?! GOD!: That's NOT how you drink coffee.
: Totally fucking bullshit.: I'm feeling... the rage.: Whoa. Apathy combo.: I like what you did with your coffee there.If you fail, the goth kids will berate you.
: Uh, nice try, Frodo, but you dance like a freaking pop star wannabe conformist.: Yeah, better luck next time, loser.: You can't dance goth, so just stop wasting our time with your posing.However, because I have played way too much Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Rocksmith, and Elite Beat Agents, we didn't fail.
: Whaddya think?: He's pretty goth.: He's pretty goth right?: Yeah. That was pretty good.: I felt his pain.: Alright, New Kid, you have officially proven yourself.: Yeah. Just tell us where you need us and we'll be there.
So we're now friends with all the goth kids, all four of them. Also our Pyre Ball attack now inflicts burning on anything left alive after it goes off.
: Isn't it great to finally know how much everything sucks?: I'll show you how to eat people's souls if you want.: Make yourself at home. You're safe here.: We're gonna go to the graveyard later and dwell on our own mortality if you wanna come.: I'm only on here to tell people how much it sucks.Henrietta and 2 others like this.
That's all the story progress we're gonna make for now. I would end the update here, but there's still some unfinished business. So let's find some nazi zombies in town.
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These guys will do nicely. By the way, if you're remotely curious about summons, you should probably click on that video.
We have four summons. So, why not show them off?
Mr. Hankey does his best Sorcerer's Apprentice impression.
Mr. Slave... ...moving on.
Mr. Kim smacks one opponent for very little damage, though the rest run away anyway.
Finally, Jesus mows some motherfuckers down with his assault rifle.
Our next stop is the police station. Sergeant Yates here has a mission for us.
: Look, I got Nazi zombies to deal with, most of my men are dead, and the mayor's breathing down my neck. Whatever you want, it'll have to wait. Hey, wait. You look pretty tough. How would you like to see what it's like to be a real police officer, huh? Kill some bad guys? Okay, kid. All you gotta do is kill a bunch of Nazi zombies and bring me the rings off their fat, German sausage fingers. You get enough rings, I'll see about getting you an honorary job on the force.: I was hoping for more rings, kid. Foley over there brought me four, and he's just a rookie. Get back out there.This is an incredibly straightforward, if somewhat difficult to find, sidequest.
Step one: Kill some nazi zombies.
Step two: loot five nazi rings. You will have to kill five separate groups of zombies to complete this mission.
Step three: receive reward.
: That's a nice collection of Nazi rings you got there. Well done, Junior Detective.
: Keep up the good work, detective. You put my other guys to shame. Especially the dead ones.: Dammit, kid. You're a loose cannon. Completely unpredictable! You almost got yourself KILLED out there! Wish I had ten more men just like you, hell of a job.And that's that. Next time we finally betray Cartman and side with the elves. Day 2 is officially almost over.