Part 25: Blame Canada

Hello everyone. Today we're going to Canada.

Now before we get started, there's something I want to talk about. I haven't linked any background music for the game yet, because 99% of it is the same awful theme. It's not necessarily bad on its own, but I want you to listen to it for sixteen straight hours to understand exactly why I hate it.

I'm going to link two different pieces of background music here. Please listen to both and pick your favorite, as both tracks will play in this... unique... section of the game.



Canada Theme 1

Canada Theme 2

Canada Theme 2 Explanation

You may have noticed something interesting about the first two links. Indeed, they sound a bit retro. There's a good reason for that.



A rather good reason as it turns out.



The great kingdom to the north, as it turns out, is an NES RPG. Maybe the local residents will be friendly.

: You're not from around here, are you?
: Best stay here in town - those dire wolves can rip your anus apart in mere seconds!
: Ottawa is the capital of ALL Canada!

I should warn you that I only have this one head for all the generic Canadians. The sprites are way too small to make a 77x77 portrait.

So let's start exploring instead. First up, the house on the left.



: Who the fuck just walks into someone's house? (they continue. the stairs are now locked)

You know what? Left sucks anyway. The shop on the right looks a lot more fun.

: Welcome to the shop. Can I interest you in my wares?







Both weapons are pretty nice, though the claymore suits our playstyle more. Let's get some Canadian Funbux to buy it.



This vault up in the upper left lets us exchange money.

: Welcome to the bank of Canada!



: Oho American money! The current exchange rate is 1.24 to the dollar.





: Come back soon!

$20 US turns into $24.80 Canadian. Sounds pretty good to me!



I do that ten times just to be safe. This should well cover our traveling expenses for the duration of our trip.

See the building in the upper right? It's the Ottawa Clinic.

: Welcome to the Ottawa clinic. Are you here for an HIV test? I can heal you for five Canadian Dollars.

If you come to the clinic with no money, but need healing, the doctor will take American money, but has something to say about it.

: Eww yuck, why is your money all green and ooglie?

We don't need a HIV test, nor do we need healing, so we'll just leave instead.

: Come back whenever you need healing or another HIV test.



The patch I put in the weapon adds 35% additional damage on perfect attack. That 434 becomes 535 and change with an additional 35% tacked on, and that's at the minimum end of the range! The weapon damage is also increased by 5x our armor value. So that's another 850 damage added on attack. Finally, the weapon also both makes us stronger and removes 50 enemy armor on perfect attack.

This sword is ridiculously good, and is only going to get stronger before we leave Canada, as we're going to get our first armor upgrade in a while here.



This is a really big manor, maybe the owner can help us out.



: Sorry, guy, I'm on duty.
: Talking to the Prince is the best part of the tour. Or the candelabras, depending on what you're into.
: It's a self-guided tour. You're going to have to figure it out on your own.



: (as you enter throne room) All hail the prince and princess of Canada!
: Hail! Yay!
: The audio tour is narrated by Bryan Adams.

Video:

: Well, well, what have we here? A hero from the south? Not just anyone can pass the guard at the great border. You must have beaten the odds and obtained... a passport. I am the Prince of Canada and this is my lovely wife.



: *queefs*
: How can I help you?





: What's this?



: Hmmm... sorry, but I don't know what this says. I've seen this language before, but I believe it is only spoken in a specific part of Canada. I suggest you travel west of here and seek out the Earl of Winnipeg. He can tell you where in Canada they speak this freakish tongue.





: *queefs*
: But I warn you: the wilderness of Canada is filled with Dire Wolves! You know what Dire Wolves are, right? They're like wolves... but they're DIRE.

: Back already? Wow you are fast! Wait... you haven't spoken with the Earl of Winnipeg! Get outta here!
: Ah, you're back! HEY! You still haven't been to Winnipeg!

: You should speak with the Prince. I'm here for looks, mostly.
: They say that every time a princess queefs, another angel is born. (she queefs)
: What's it like in the kingdoms to the south?

: We hope you enjoyed your tour of Ottawa Castle. Please leave through the gift shop.
: Have you picked up your photos from the gift shop yet?
: Would you like another picture with the Prince and Princess?
: The princess queefed twice when she met you. That is a great honor.

Well, we're at least on the right track. Let's visit the gift shop like the guard said.



The joy buzzer patch increases your physical attack damage on perfect attack. We could potentially double dip with the claymore!



The doorman stops us on our way out.

: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Here are your photos with the Prince and Princess. Would you like two 8x10s or six 5x7s?



Well, we get more 5x7s, so I'm gonna go with that.

: All right, there you go. You can exit right through there.

: Aw, I would've picked the 8x10s.
: Aw, I would've picked the 8x10s.
: Aw, I would've picked the 8x10s.
: I would have picked the 8x10s.
: (Well I would've picked the 8x10s.)
: Personally, I would have picked the 8x10s.

If you pick the 8x10s, your friends have this to say...

: Aw. I-I would have picked the 5x7s.
: Aw, I would have picked the 5x7s.
: Nah, I would have picked the 5x7s.
: (Well I would've picked the 5x7s.)
: Aw, I would have picked the 5x7s.
: I would have picked the 5x7s.

: You already got your photos! Go on, get out!



The citizens of Ottawa have new dialogue for us now that we've spoken with the Prince.

: If you need to get from Ottawa to Winnipeg just follow the road.
: I've never been to Banff, have you? It's so very far away.
: You will find the Earl of Winnipeg in Winnipeg.



Well that was nice. It looks like progress is to the left, and as we previously established, left sucks. So let's go right instead. We can't do anything in the caverns, so no point in going in there right now.

Those vaguely canine gray blobs are the random encounters. Let's go talk to one.



Dire Wolves are the first new foe we encounter in Canada.



They're also hilariously weak to fire.



So any dire wolf encounter can be beaten in a single turn by just using Stan as your buddy.



One of their attacks is to breathe frost breath at you.



It actually kinda hurts. Anyway, no other wolves live long enough to actually attack.



See this web? This is very important.



This is the last hunting location in the game, so we can finally finish the last sidequest.



This doesn't look very much like a spider. It looks like a big ant.



It dies on the second turn, so the only attack it ever gets off is this. The three shots do land in quick succession, so they can be a bit hard to properly block.



It dies as it lived, goofy as fuck.



For killing the barking spider of the queefing caverns, we got our first piece of the Barbarian set. It's the direct upgrade to the armor we're wearing now.



It may appear that we're stuck, but this is a nice 8-bit RPG. By walking into the dock for a few seconds, we can board a boat that takes us to whatever island that is.



Frozen Maple Syrup adds 100 frost damage on perfect attack. It's pretty nice if you like that sort of thing.



Well, no more dodging it. We need to go to Winnipeg. We could visit Banff and Vancouver if we wanted to, but there's nothing to do there but shop.



Welcome to Winnipeg.

: Welcome to Winnipeg. This is a conservative township, so mind your P's and Q's. Do whatever you want with your T's and M's, however.

: Lumberjacking's dangerous work, what with all these dire bears around.
: My wife's a lumberjack too! Sexiest part of a woman is a big set of shoulders.
: You can have sex with any tree that has a hole in it.

So the shop...



A weapon with innate bleeding means it's a weapon for thieves.





The "ignores 200 armor" patch is the second best patch like it in the game. The only way to make ignore armor patches worthwhile is to combine them, and you'll always get better results from anything else you put on your weapon.

The other patch is kinda neat I guess? If you used a lot of farts it would be more useful. As it is, it doesn't do a whole lot for us.



: You know what Winnipeg is known for? Neither do we.
: They say that two Canadian Monks live on a secluded island in the middle of Vancouver.

: This poor citizen was killed by a Dire Bear. You know what a Dire Bear is right? It's like a bear - but it's DIRE.
: Sorry buddy but there's Dire Bears up there.
: You know what a Dire Bear is, right?



This must be the Earl.

Video:

: Ah yes. This writing is definitely Canadian. But why should I help a foreigner when Winnipeg is completely overrun with Dire Bears? Tell you what -- kill off all the dire bears in the north of town and I'll help you however I can.
: With dire bear pelts, I can make myself a nice dire robe. You know what a dire robe is, right?

: Glad you gotta fight dire bears and not me.



The guard moves after we talk to the Earl. Looks like the bears have taken over the back of the town.



The bears aren't as weak to fire as the wolves are, but they still go down quickly.





The one attack I saw has the bear launching some type of balls at one person. They don't hurt very much.



We get three sets of pelts after killing the bears.



: By jove you've done it! Look at all these dire bear pelts! Now I can finally make a dire robe. Alright, give me that document.



: Hmmm... yes. This is actually written in the language of Eastern Canadian. The Minister of Montreal can translate it. But I'm afraid the prince has imprisoned the Minister of Montreal in the caverns of Quebec. I will speak with the prince. Return to him and he should let you speak with the minister. Boy oh boy, I will have the most dire robe in all of Canada.



It sure is nice that Canada is so small that we can cross more than half of its length in a few seconds. Anyway, the Earl of Winnipeg added us as friends on Facebook after that last cutscene.



: The Prince seems agitated lately.

Video:

: There you are! I understand you wish me to release the Minister of Montreal. I'd like to help you, but I think this might be another ploy by the Bishop of Banff to have Montreal allowed back into the kingdom!



: Some Canadians think our nation should be united again, my Lord.





: SHUT UP! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! Listen, it's all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult for me. I must ask you to perform another noble quest: go to Banff and kill the Bishop.



: (gasp) Kill the Bishop of Banff?



: Shh. You. Shh. Kill the Bishop of Banff for me, and bring me his balls as proof.



: Do this and I shall allow you into the Catacombs of Quebec. Make haste!



: Is he dead yet? Do you have the Bishop's balls?

: Oh these are indeed troubling times.

: Must we kill the Bishop of Banff?
: Shh. You. Shh.

: Killing the Bishop of Banff... I just don't know.
: Shh. You. Shh.

: Oh my, killing the Bishop?
: Shhh. You. Shhh.

: Banff? Sure! Just head out the gift shop til you get to the road. Then follow it. The road. You can't miss it.

That's all for now. Next time I guess we go to Alberta.