Part 13: Coming Undone
Chapter 10 - Coming Undone
I didn't know how I felt about B. Maybe that was the problem all along. Maybe after all my aspirations of being a famous CEO Detective Screenwriter, all I really ever wanted was the girl I grew up with all those years ago.
But I pawned her off... for a job! A job working behind the scenes at a model shoot! Hell, I had no idea what the potential job had even entailed when I set up DB2.
I still didn't know how I felt about her.
I made a Powerpoint slide to make my new mission clear.
I went to the mountain trail top to think things through.
Did I still have a thing for B? It seemed like I did when we were in that ski lift together. Did I want to be like D or like L? I was so confused. All I knew was, it looked like I was planning evil when I wasn't sure about my feelings.
Sadly, I realized I could very well have a thing for B. And dreamily, I thought I could not...
It occurred to me I was so torn up about it that I was making actual emotional gesture to no one in particular.
Yep. The game does it five times.
I was so confused that I yelled out and the sky seemed to light up a little. Couldn't catch that with my camera phone.
I was a mess. I was a bigger mess than the entire vacation, replete with strange and random Truth or Dare games and side-plots as it was. I had to do something.
Okay. Step 1: Get DB2 to give up on B.
Step 2... I guess I'd think of that later.
This was going to take all of my wit and skill. I had to confide in the only person I could trust. The only person I could tell about my secret plan to break up DB2 and B...
And that was DB2 himself. My plan was perfect.
Now, to hatch our plan to get him broken up with his girlfriend.
No, I want you to stop dating her because you're toxic!
I had to give him credit - he was right on that one. I told you guys he was a dickbag!
What's this now?
Hmmm... what the hell do you think he's thinking?
Door number three! Door number three!
My plan to confuse the living shit out of him didn't seem to work.
Bored with B? And he liked Hippie?! This man was some sort of crazy person!
Wow, that's a shocker.
Yeah! Take that, DB2-
Haha! DB2 ain't good with the ladies! I finally had something on him.
Cyrano de-? Do you guys know what the hell he's talking about?
Well, I'm sure if I'd said:
I'm not into guys.
I'd get something like:
And then we'd have eventually gotten to the point.
Okay, I follow you.
Some time elapsed, but we didn't talk about anything relevant to the situation as the subsequent conversation shows.
So how's this going to work?
Either way, I started our planning session with the ceremonial toughening up his way-too-delicate eyes.
Guys, Mr. Swoon found out what my trip to Japan in my younger years was like here! Make sure not to miss it!
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Unfortunately, what to say next was more problematic than it appeared I realized. While choosing the wrong thing to say wouldn't put me in an untenable position right now, it might down the line. In other words, with this whole "Cyrano/Hippie/Dickbag2" conundrum, it was quite easy to render things unwinnable.
If I didn't plan ahead with DB2, we might not be able to think of the proper thing to say when the time came. You guys have led me pretty well so far, but there's points where a man has to follow his heart.
I had to plan with DB2.
Let's mark out a game plan.
Oh, DB2, you have so much to learn in the ways of women! In the act of courtship, when contriving a ridiculous, hare-brained plan to woo by proxy, the last thing we need to be is half-assed! Well, more so anyway.
So regardless of this critical information being disclosed at the last possible moment, I kept my game face on and my eyes on the prize.
Will you buy me lunch while we're there?
Oh yeah? I'll show him. I'll get B back and get a roast beef sandwich out of spite. I may not like roast beef all that much, but I love a good pint of spite.
Well, he was.
What can I say? Life's full of tough decisions.
You sure you don't want a little prep time first?
You wouldn't act this way if it was a board meeting.
Exactly. You stick with me, DB2. I suddenly have all the answers out of absolutely fucking nowhere.
Let me talk to her for you.
But technically, by telling you what to say, aren't I still doing your dirty work?
Well, it seems pretty much the same.
Conceptually, they both involve me lending you words, so how are they different?
They just are, okay? Sheesh, get off my back.
When he had me, he had me.
Let's figure out what you're going to say.
Great. What am I going to say?
I was about to suggest my tried-and-true method of getting girls by setting them up with other boyfriends; or interrupting dates to hook up with other girls giving me candy and mushrooms, but it didn't really seem to apply here.
Let's start out simple.
What do you think you have to offer her?
Maybe we should narrow that down.
Which of Shana's features do you like best?
That's easy. Her hair. Or her eyes. Or maybe her freckles. Or possibly her keen fashion sense.
Okay... let's focus on the fashion sense.
Uh... is that okay to say?
(Wow, there a lot of avatars based on my face on this page.)
Try being a little more expressive than that.
I didn't want him generically screwing up later.
No... try again.
Indeed! This guy was just like a samurai! Only not as Japanese, you could say.
It would have to be her compassion. Or how worldly-wise she is. Or her laid back attitude. Or her innate sensuality.
Also, I updated the OP!
Let's go with her innate sensuality.
Damn right. I felt like the Max Payne of love.
Okay, enough of this. Let's jump right into the meat of our plan.
Lock down whose what now?
Oh. Right... what's the best way this guy should profess his feelings for Hippie?
I'll do whatever it takes.
"I'll do whatever it takes to get me in your vagina."
Is that the best you have? Come on!
Hey, he likes the girl! Why am I coming up with all this?! Whatever. Anything to be able to trade him B for Hippie, like the collectibles they are. But, no, really, I respect them both.
'Let's just have fun and see what happens?'
Permission to speak freely, soldier.
Here's the thing...
I think I know what to say, but I think you guys should just see what I'm dealing with. Up next, the plan takes effect...
Dude, you don't need a date, you need a shrink.
And with that, he put on a pair of giant novelty sunglasses as I squinted in disgust.
Some time later, we made it to the Tap Room, when it occurred to me that I had no idea why a hippie like Hippie would be in here.
Your call, Internet. What should I tell him?
edit: Fixed a sentence fragment!
Eye contact. It's all about eye contact.
Fortunately, DB2 took my advice seriously.
Um... should I tell him to do anything?
OK, I'll let him go on.
Oh good God, what was he thinking?
Well... that was a pretty lame burn at least.
Disclaimer: I am not making this shit up.
I don't know if I should let him go on, guys. What if this happens:
Okay. He'd follow the plan, but...
And with that...
It couldn't work that way. I had to intervene!
(db2 we are so screwed)
Might lead to:
And I'm not sure... do I really want to go down that road?
I don't think this imagined scenario can help at all, guys! I mean what if...
Shit, I forgot! He doesn't like fruit! Even:
Doesn't seem helpful because she might say:
Gerbil? You're even more troubled than I thought. Goodbye!
Fortunately, he's still waiting on me to say something here:
I guess I should try the second thing I'm thinking of.
You know... I think you might be onto something!
Mr. Swoon posted:
We are screwed! global! might make her think that he's talking about the Earth being doomed because of pollution or something like that and warm the cockles of her cold hippy heart.
Good job, Mr. Swoon! You lady-killer!
So, that could actually work. Again, though we're at:
No, no wait. The last thing was...
(i don't think you should judge me until you really get to know me)
So, either way, really. That leads us to another thing to prompt DB2 with:
Now, I don't want to put pressure on you guys, but the stakes are very high. After all, imagine if I told him to cut to the chase immediately! Something like this might happen!
God, all of this is making me dizzy.
Anyway, where were we?
Crap! Now I had to remember what I told DB2 to focus on! What was it again?
That was it! Style!
Miles Vorkosigan posted:
Tempting as it would be to lead DB2 down a false path, I'm gonna say style.
(on her style!)
Hippie, your eyes come together in a wonderfully orchestrated chaos.
I find it incredibly cruel to damage people's feelings.
WHAT?! NO! I'd said 'style!' And how do you even get 'eyes' from 'guile'?! I then understood. DB2 couldn't hear me very well, so I had to choose things that might sound like what I actually wanted to say. EVEN WORSE, SCREWING ONE THING UP IN THIS SEQUENCE WOULD FUCK UP MY CHANCES of getting DB2 and Hippie together! And I'd be back at SQUARE ONE, practically the same point where DB2 put on those weird sunglasses.
Fortunately, I managed to indicate to DB2 and he said that he'd misspoken and she let him try again.
Actually, the conversation was a little more like:
Did you actually tell him he misheard you? Because maybe if you try "style" again he might not be such an old person in need of a hearing aid.
That wasn't so great!
You reloaded state?
Anyway... hair? I hope he hears me.
Phew, it worked. Incidentally, I also think:
Might have worked, too.
Crap, I saw Fall.Child's first! Well... I get the feeling we'll have to get to "Tell her about yourself" later anyway...
(tell her what you like about her!)
What was the thing to focus on from before? And what relates to that now?
edit: Wait, why am I making you thread-search? It's "innate sensuality."
Complement her crazy insightful hippie ways! That's got to be it.
WAIT A MINUTE!!! Now he can hear me okay? What the fuck?!
Sounds okay to me.
uncalled for! posted:
Main Entry: ep·i·cure
1 archaic : one devoted to sensual pleasure : SYBARITE
2 : one with sensitive and discriminating tastes especially in food or wine
fuck it man this one sounds pretty good
Oh good God...
(your innate sensuality!)
I think the logical response here is "innate sensuality" referencing your past conversation with DB2.
That... worked?! Wow. I thought we had the wrong answers here, gang, I honestly did. That leaves one last option.
(tell her about yourself!)
Yes, he's a little later.
I made you some fanart. I guess it could've been better .
Alright. One problem guys. If I tell her the storm dragon...
(tell her it's the storm dragon!)
Then that might work. The problem with the hawk:
(tell her it's the hawk!)
Here, as always, honesty works on Snow Bird Mountain!
(what is the heck is an animal oracle?)
Awesome! There was only one thing left. The final puzzle to unlock Hippie's heart to Dickbag2!
(cut to the chase!)
There were so many things I could say!
But I went with:
(it's the moment of truth- just go for it.)
Perfectly honest?! Oh no! The plan, though!
Phew. Not that perfectly honest.
Oh shit, what was it?
Well, I checked a couple pages back and it turned out to be...
(let's just have fun and see what happens.)
WHAT?! He was going to make me remember all four things from before in reverse order?!
I'll do whatever it takes.
(our love is destiny! it's meant to be!)
Right, just settle on it, please!
My face was hurting from doing this expression the whole time!
Oh for God's sake.
(I take what I want and what I want is you!)
Why was he waiting? Oh, I actually had to prompt him here!
And the verdict is....?
Yes! I laughed a laugh of victory! But I got really mellow all of a sudden afterwards.
And he gave me an MP3 player and a pair of earrings!
I did it! B was a free agent again! Now it was time to do absolutely nothing regarding that at all!
So I made another Photoshop!
Coming up: The Treasures of Snow Bird Mountain