Part 8: Did someone say Fetch Quest (Part Three)
Chapter 8 - Did someone say Fetch Quest (Part Three)
So, I stole the fungus, but as I was leaving, I'd realized something... I might have missed out on a killer Golden Line from my meeting with E! I ran back to find she wasn't that upset after all, so I re-initiated conversation with her, in order to get inspiration.
I decided to try and seduce E really quick, before Thailand got all low-sugary and unconscious or some lame shit like that.
Basically I knew there'd be absolutely no long-term reprecussions for stealing the toadstools, so who really cared? Anyway, E wanted to sell the toadstools for $949.33! Can you believe that?! She would, however, exchange it for the raw fish.
That wasn't what I said, but it was a funny thing I thought of. Still, it wasn't GOLD. Then I hit it.
I'm sure we could work something out...
Then the muse known only as Divine Inspiration hit me.
No, I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about fungus!
Since I knew that was a golden line, I decided to just steal the fucking toadstools again and end the conversation. After all, whether I'd sweet talked E by promising her a date with Dickbag (Who she apparently carried a torch for), or traded her the raw, dead fish or stole them, it would probably have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my future dealings with E. (Any other methods besides stealing, though, probably would have netted me E's phone number.)
I mean, I'm just guessing. And no matter what, her Yeti would probably still have recommended giving me hay for whatever fucking reason that was.
Alright. To get back on track, I ran back to Hippie.
Indeed I did. I had to hurry, though. Thailand might be passed out for all I know!
Just give me some candy, freak!
Shit. If I said that again, then I'm sure I knew what would happen.
No. I had to play this smarter...
Yeah, I got your good luck token.
At this point, if I said anything, she might leave. So I gave her the mushrooms.
I wanted to interject.
But anything I said would be met with the same response.
Hippie had something in mind... something I would have to endure if I were going to get back to Thailand at any point tonight...
She told me to chew and swallow one of the mushrooms. I chewed but spit it out when she wasn't looking. I couldn't get high off of little bits of the shrooms and saliva right? I did swallow a somewhat sizable chunk. But I'm sure it wasn't anything to worry about. At least I hoped not.
So I did. Inhale, exhale...
Inhale, exhale... Lord, this was stupid.
Just keep smiling while this whacked out girl-
Oh no. No no no no no no no no no no no. Oh fuck. What now.......
I don't know who you are, Napoleon, but the reason that the RPG Villain can see Wesker and Berkin is because he doesn't need to. He can FEEL them.
The Dark Id posted:
Were there ever a time to use mace, it would be when you're getting mind raped by a hippie.
And where's that dead spider-thing to tell me to give her the bronze medal.
And I keep telling you, God. I can't use the pepper spray and even if I could, I'd get the standard message for "You can't use that item here."
How did I do that?
My Blackberry can't show you what I actually see, but it looks like a PNG image.
keep it together
That's not good. Why is it morning out when it's clearly night time? The hot tub is night time. The hot tub is something I'm forgetting. God, it's like Leanne is two stereotypes for the price of one if you think about it. Like they wanted to make two separate girls, but they didn't have enough artists.
"Well, put the token Asian chick with the token Southerner! That'll do it! It's not like anyone's buying this."
And some producer was like, "But we can bring the dating sim genre outside Japan!"
I bet that's what they said anyway. Who am I speaking to?
My friend Josh is not real and neither am I but maybe all of you are.
Holy shit. I get it. I can see everything. The truth.
Don't worry, guys. I can just save state. And if I fuck up, I'll load state and we can try something new. Option 1, huh? Hmmmm.
Conversations are like a tree if you think about it. So we'll take the 1 branch. Sprung's dialogue trees are deeper than you'd think.
You got it.
No, wait. I said the other thing. Lemme load state and try that again. No, no. It doesn't matter. She just goes straight to:
Hey Mr. Swoon. You're that guy who commands the woman with the traps, right?
Mr. Swoon posted:
You're on a spiritual journey, Brett. You must pass the trials and become a man.
Hmmm... Shana... what did she have in mind?
Oh, I got it. I understood everything now. This was a bonus kind of minigame - like the Conor Sez thing before. She'd show me one emotion, like this:
My name is Brett, but I don't know my last name. I don't think the game designers ever gave me one. Becky has a last name. It's Skye. Becky Skye.
I can't believe you guys didn't laugh more about the artwork of me with the mushroom. That shit was stupid looking!
Keep it together. Focus. Focus. It's all in your head.
Right. So, Shana would show me an emotion and I had to name it like:
And then she'd show me two emotions. And I'd do it again. But I fucked up and got it wrong, so...
WRONG! Try again, Brett, I'll give you one more chance. But you'll have to start from the beginning!
So if I fucked up far into this "test", I'd have to start all over. That was annoying. God, anything to extend the length of this game, huh?
Tasian, I can never say thanks for all the Photoshop stuff you're posting. Because I'm busy usually trying to fuck girls...
You're the scary British guy with the death videos. You get the hell away from me!
No. No. None of this is real.
Wait? See through a fourth wall? No. Fuck no. I CAN SEE THROUGH FUCKING TIME!!!
Pay attention, Brett. Shana is doing different emotions. God, it's stupid. She's just changing into her sprite animations and even giving descriptive text like "Grrr!" to show you she's angry. This is annoying as all hell, but if I get it wrong twice...
I'll give you one more chance, Brett.
If I were born in a different life time, I could have been blowing shit up in Super Contra IV, but instead I'm trying to fuck a bunch of the most superficial people-
No, you didn't say that.
That's how it could turn out if I fuck it up. I can't let that happen. By the way, this game is awfully fucking pretentious. I mean Sprung is making fun of Jimi Hendrix?!
Load state. If I'd been honest...
I'd get one last shot at it... is that what's happening? Alright. I have to get it right.
Just keep it together, man. If you can make it through tonight, you've made it.
Anger. Disgust. Anger. Suspicion. Laughter. Attraction.
I need scissors. 61.
Laughter. Disgust. Suspicion. Anger.
This is all in my head. I can take control. It's not real.
Attraction. Suspicion. Laughter. Disgust. Anger.
... The fuck am I supposed to do with this? Anyway, we got to a checkpoint, which means if I get Game OVer again, I can start from there. I tend not to though, because if I'm using save states, I might as well cheat all the way.
Hmmm... mmm? Was there I was somewhere I was-
LEANNE. FUCK. THE HOT TUB.
Disclaimer: The images in this update have not been altered via Photoshop or GIMP - all graphics appear as they would in-game.
I seem to be getting more votes for the second trial with Shana, which is interesting. I usually would try and run back and forth between Shana and Leanne. Let's see how far we can go with this...
Brett. Get a hold of yourself. This is all in your head. If you focus, you can get through it. Just like Fight Club or something.
Let's do it.
Hmmm? I missed the screencap of a cartoon cell phone with vibrate lines. Also, the dialogue box shakes a little here. If you've ever played Phoenix Wright, it looks like a crappier version of when it happens there.
Leanne was going to pass out. I think. I don't know if I have time for her.
But you wanted me to do the trial. Maybe that's my problem in life. Maybe it's that I don't stand up for myself and make my own decisions. Be my own man.
I cater to no woman's demands! Now tell me what to do!
As a last-ditch effort to make myself unmake my decision to continue the trial with Shana, the game presented me with two more dialogue choices. I could let you guys vote on that, but it'd be a waste of two updates... we want the trial. And we've got save states just in case.
It took me awhile to get that joke, but they meant The Sims. I'm stupid.
Brett. Brett! Think, man! Think of Becky! Think of home! Think of anything!
Let's keep on doin' it!
Sometimes... I don't want to complete that thought.
Everything went white for a second.
That's why I needed the disclaimer.
This... is a little much for me...
Keep your wits about you. There's a Golden Line here!!!
I don't even know what the hell my Golden Lines were even supposed to be. They weren't pick-up lines. They were just random-ass conversation options. If I got at least 10 of them, I'd get a bonus round later. Other than that, no walkthrough or anything says to use Golden Lines even though I can. Then again, this game wasn't that popular, so I doubt there's any complete walkthrough for it.
God, what am I even talking about?
I think it would be beneficial to show you my facial expression during all of this.
I dual-wielded my pepper spray and pocket knife, but when I attempted to attack, I was met with "No, thanks, I don't need that." I don't get anything.
What the hell do I say to that?
Well, first of all... God, this puzzle is stupid. Yeah, the hay would make sense, right? Well, let's give it to her. It. Whatever.
Argh. Adventure game logic. Christ, I wish this shit would wear off soon. I wonder if Leanne is dead.
This guy has the right idea... I'm going to have to say all five in the right order...
So here goes.
Wow, you look great.
I couldn't find the cow emoticon ... I thought there was one... Please just make this stop.
You smell fantastic.
What I just heard you say was very interesting. (I tried to say that one with sincerity.)
Your hands are very soft.
I'm never getting out of here. I'll try GoatLord's thing next. (Minus the hay.)
GoatLord's suggestion didn't work, and we only get three tries at this...
It's all on kjetting now.
And I'm not going to bother trying to over-dramatize this craziness, because I swear to God, I'm melting into this seat suddenly. So...
Sight, Sound, Touch, Smell, and then Kiss wins it.
Normally, you're supposed to get candy here, but I think Sprung's inventory system can't really handle that, so I guess we have two candies. That or we just broke the game by not going to Leanne between trials. I don't know.
Roll the dice for the final trial? Or get the fuck out of Dodge?
Aren't orange slices supposed to be good for LSD? Will that help me with shrooms? Someone please.
I am the lizard queen.
ARE YOU GOD? I AM HERE TO SUCK AND TO FUCK.
Wait. Wait wait wait... things were feeling a little more "solid." Then my cell phone rang and it was made of purple. Shana got mad at that.
I had to answer it.
I could hear her voice. It was like I could see her. If she was hypoglycemic, why wouldn't she have sugar on hand? It doesn't make any sense. I have the feeling I say that a lot, a thousand worlds away.
Wait. Back here. Not done. Not straightened out.
My life didn't need a touch screen. It was so much easier to pick things to say with a keypad and buttons. It was just an add-on, since it was the new portable system and-
Sorry, let's keep going.
I want to go home.
Shana, I love you.
That didn't seem to work... God, why am I so tired? And sad suddenly? Hmmm? Oh, the hay. Right.
I'm really upset to give away that hay...
But if I just fake-smile through it. God. This sucks. I suck really bad. I mean, I gave up all that time with a hot girl at a hot tub for some spiritual journey that I barely remember... is that a fucking cow coming toward me?
Everything went white for a second again.
Wait, whoa, how did I end up making out with the hippie chick?
Aw, shucks! And then Hippie gave me the rewards for surviving her trials.
A rock and a camera. Uh... okay. I mean, it was something. But now for the grand prize, heh heh.
Hope I didn't forget anything!
If the candy is sugar free or the Thailand collapses before we can get through that dialogue tree, I will laugh.
Quickly, I gave her some candy.
... Uh... and... that's, uh, that's probably what would have happened if I hadn't been running back and forth to Thailand to give her candy after each of Hippie's trials. I missed those parts. Sorry, I'm not a great writer.
Okay, so let me tell you what happened with Thailand while I was doing that in the next update...
I can't fucking believe I have to do that hippie emotion bullshit and "seduce the cow" bullshit again.
Alright, so let me tell the other side of that story.
I predicted all of Hippie's emotions and got some candy. I ran to the spa before the second trial and found Thailand waiting for me. Unfortunately, this part is pretty hard to remember because I was tripping out of my mind, still.
I remember the distinctly non-sober thought:
Which is odd, because I was mixing up the phrases "manage between" and "simultaneously bone" which is pretty hard to do, usually.
Regardless, you know how things were working out with Hippie, but...
More hallucinigen-induced thinking. Gossip shouldn't have nee my highest priority at the moment.
I had to hope she stayed awake. My next move had to be good. At this point, however, most of my brain was occupied with the insane notion of five guys in a room committing crimes through a proxy.
Idiotically, I just stared at her, smiling for a good minute. I had the feeling that she'd snore through whatever I said and if I kept repeating it, then eventually...
More high thoughts. Instead I gave her the candy, and she snapped to life.
It was. And I'd give it to her.
It was a lot to take all at once. I understood. She could take her time. I had all night.
Haha! I was talking about the candy the whole time! That's called a double entendre in case you were wondering. Accents go over a couple of the E's but I don't know how to do that on my keyboard.
I'll write more when I can remember what I said next. She was looking at me funny, for some reason, though... maybe that was just because I was still fucked up out of my mind...
Something looks different about you...
I'm sure it's just your blood sugar. Anyway. You had me pretty worried there.
What I said next, I did with the biggest shit-eating grin on.
I'm glad you stopped me at the club.
And then I heard about another character in this twisted tail of romance and awesome: I called him Dickbag2.
You don't seem like you get hit on a lot.
Must've been the drugs.
Why do you say that?
You seem a little...
That's the word!
Unfortunately, at this point, I couldn't think of anything flirtatious to say, really.
So you're the concierge at the lodge, huh?
Wait, I thought. Since when did I know that? And why was she looking at me strangely?
Regardless, I had to get the dirt on the lodge women for my boys... I mean the attractive woman and the hot tub could wait, I suppose.
Oh, who was I kidding?
So how about you and me forget about everyone else for just one night, hmmm?
What's the dirt on E?
What's the dirt on A?
Oh... I definitely got some dirt on her... Oh... I feel a spell comin' on.
Cut the crap, Thailand!
Okay, I didn't say that - if I did, she would have stumbled out and left, and I certainly don't have the time or courtesy to give someone proper medical attention or at least make sure they're okay.
Now it was the time to run back to Hippie, complete the Seducing The Cow Trial, get the second piece of candy and come back.
So we did the whole senses thing I mentioned earlier, and then:
After setting up Uncle Vicki's DVR and assuring him that, yes, the surgery worked and he did look like a woman (it was cheap labor), I jetted to the hot tub.
Thailand felt a spell coming on, so I had to give her another piece of candy from the second trial.
What's the dirt on A?
Then Thailand had ANOTHER spell, so I ran to Hippie for the final trial. In my own words:
It certainly was most ridic.
So I gave her the hay, and in return got a rock, a camera, and blue-balls, and then run back to the hot tub.
Alright, now, where were we?
What's the dirt on K? (I was starting to feel more sober; though I mostly felt kind of down and sleepy.)
Hmmm, another prospect. But, I had a hot tub and a girl to woo here, and I'd gotten all the gossip I needed.
Thailand had the same idea I did.
Well, I didn't get the hook-up I came here for...
And with that, I went home and decided to sleep off what remained of the chemicals in my system. When I woke up, there was a Photoshop I must have made in my sleep.
Coming next: Bonus update! Truth or Dare! And probably more blue-balls!
Why does this stuff happen to me?