Part 4: 04 - Fox Should've Done Some Curls
04 - Fox Should've Done Some Curls
Holy shit, real dinosaurs!
What the hell did you expect on Dinosaur Planet?
Great flying, Fox. For a second I thought you weren't going to make it.
Very funny, sir.
I know. Now, on to business.
[Pepper gives us a brief tutorial on how to use the fucking Start menu. Christ. I'll break it down for you. Push START.]
Try talking to those ThornTail guys. Slippy is preparing a translator device, but until it's ready, he'll translate for you.
Why couldn't I bring my blaster?
It's always the same with you, Fox; shoot first, ask questions later.
Allow me to explain something you may have missed. There are fucking dinosaurs here.
This mission is about saving the planet, not blowing it up! It requires a different tactic. Try using your head. Ha Ha!
That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. Fox out.
Fuck this, I'm not going toe to toe with dinosaurs without a god damned weapon.
Fox, the fuel I airdropped for you has been scattered all over the planet, you can't fly back without it.
You cannot be serious.
[The ThornTails in the area give you little hints about the game, stuff like whack a tree to make fruit fall out, where the Queen EarthWalker is, blah blah blah. Since they don't have any voices we just see the text that presumably Slippy is translating.]
Fuck yes, home-made explosives!
[This is one of the many obnoxious items in the game for you to farm. Shoot it and it explodes tossing three Bomb Spores into the air. You have to chase the fucking spores around since they disappear about three seconds after landing. Luckily the plant respawns in about five seconds, so they're easy to come by. Being anal-retentive I always make sure I'm capped on things like this (even though you never, ever need to; important items like this are always readily available when needed). Man, analyzing all this shit is making me hate it more and more. Fuck you all.]
[After a little more pointless wandering about (there's literally fuck-all we can do) we find...]
What is that? A discarded Stargate SG-1 prop?
MINE MINE MINE!
Don't care; playing with new toy!
The Staff you hold in your hands is a powerful weapon. You must learn to use it wisely.
You aren't going to use it wisely, are you?
Wake up, you lazy fuck!
Yyyyyyep. About what I figured.
It will give you guidance when its powers can be used. My Staff's main use is in combat, and in time your skills may grow. Try different actions to unleash its powerful attacks. You can also use it to explore the world around you.
Shut up, stupid voice, or I'll use the staff to explore your colon!
Try lifting rocks or knocking items out of trees. I'm sure you will find it very useful.
Hmm, beat up on nature...I never thought of it that way.
[Incidentally, that whole speech was in Dinosaur, so I have no clue how the hell Fox was supposed to have understood it. Maybe he really didn't and he actually was just swinging it around for kicks, ignoring the jibberjabber.]
Now, who is ready to watch a bunch of dumb fucking item gathering cutscenes?! YOU ARE!
[The fuel for the staff grows from plants that respawn after about 10-15 seconds. They come in varying colours that refill the gauge by different amounts. Off the top of my head green is the worst, then yellow, then red, then blue.]
Wait, do I need to do that shit every time I get something new?
I...I can't help myself! What is this trickery?! (PS: Fuck you, Rob, you incompetent shit.)
[Fuel Cells aren't actually needed to leave the planet, but Rob was stupid enough to get them scattered all over the planet. They're used as an insipid benchmark for reaching the other satellites. You'll always have far more cells than you need, but you can change the minimap to track them, and if you're really lazy/desperate/stupid, you can buy them.]
Agh, my arms are locking up.
Quit moaning. Let's go see if we can find the Queen.
Great. It's closed.
[Combat Tutorial: Viddler]
[These are your generic SharpClaw enemies. They don't really take any effort and they're pretty harmless, all in all. To beat them, just block an attack and then retaliate. If you try to force the attack they'll block most of what you do.]
Was that there before?
Nope, it's just not worth making a gif of.
Fair enough. Well, since I don't have my blaster, not much I can do about it.
Eh, don't worry, I'm sure some convenient plot device will save us.
This message will only play if my staff feels that you are ready to become its master.
Before the staff becomes your own you must learn to see and feel its call through your hands. Follow its call and discover what lies beneath.
Is that some kind of Zen Buddhist thing?
Nah, the cutscene will shows us where to go.
"What lies beneath" was literal? Lame.
...I just made General Pepper look like an asshole.
[Just outside, we meet the Gremlin, the most irritating and worthless enemy in the game. These little fuckers will come at you out of nowhere and will dive down twice to try and claw at you. The easiest way to deal with them is to hold still and block with the shield (hold R), but if you're feeling brave or don't want to waste time you can dodge the attack by rolling at the right time. You can also snipe them in advance, but aiming at them from a distance is a pain in the ass and they respawn relatively quickly, so I just ignore them usually.]
[We shoot the target above the door and enter.]
: HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY.
What. The. Fuck.
: HOOLY BOOLY PRINCE TRICKY HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY!
Did you get that, Slippy?
You've got to go to the Ice Mountain and rescue her son, Prince Tricky.
I'd say you made that name up, but it was the only fucking thing she said that was intelligible.
Wait! Don't answer tha-
: HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY!
[The Queen yells and this guy moves, revealing a space for you to put a Bomb Spore into.]
You've got to talk to some big stone guy. She called him a WarpStone.
Good enough for me; my ears hurt almost as much as my arms.
It's nearly ready, Fox. I just need a bit more time.
[After some indiscriminate looting, property destruction and satisfying my OCD, we arrive at the uncovered Bomb Spore point.]
[Only to find that stupid ThornTail didn't move very far from the spot, so we nail his ass, too. Sucker.]
But, I just-
Naebody loves meh!
You're a huge fucking rock statue, will you-
Me life's naught bu' a barren wasteland, lad!
Why aren't you speaking in Dinosaur anywa-
Woe is meh!
Fuck's sake...Where do I find a 'gift' anyway?
In the cave!
What the hell?
[I tried to make a joke about the Allegory of the Cave, but it was pretty bad. ]
Feel free to look at the many wonderful items within these walls. I have food, special goods and many maps. And if you like to play games, then enter...
Now, if you find something that you like, then choose that item and we'll discuss a price. Is that clear?
Good! Now hurry and choose something or get out!
[I'll cover this place in more detail later. Head in the central room (Special Goods) and grab the Rock Candy. It's not worth it to buy anything else right except maybe a map of SnowHorn Wastes, the next area we'll be in. You can buy all the maps, but you'd need to run in and out over and over to get enough money.]
Can we get away from Shylock here, yet?
Yeah, I think he's been staring at my ass.
A little candy for your nose, eh?
Och, laddie, ye've nae idea 'ow nice i' is to get a wee bit buzzed when ye've been stuck in the same wretched spot for a thousand bleedin' years.
[Yes, he does have a stupid Scotish accent, though it's really not very good; you know what? I can't be bothered to explain. Bear witness to his terrible accent.]
Actually, Fox, before we go, I forgot something.
Today we're going to cover the various dinosaur tribes.
EarthWalkers: Triceratops lookalikes. These dinosaurs vary slightly from that genus of dinosaur since they can breathe fire. They are one of the most powerful tribes of dinosaur and are they are one of the two tribes with a royal family.
CloudRunners: Pterodactyls with wings that shouldn't really work. This is the other tribe of royal dinosaur. They rule the skies while the EarthWalkers rule the land. As a result, the two tribes are none too friendly.
ThornTails: These dinosaurs are not a carbon copy of a dinosaur species, but do resemble some sort of ankylosaurus.
SnowHorns: Mammoths...wait, what? This is a fucking dinosaur? Give me a break.
SharpClaws: Anthropomorphic versions of the allosaurus that serve under General Scales. They're pretty stupid and cruel and serve as cannon-fodder for most of the game.
LightFoot: These sneaky little fucks appear to resemble Velociraptors, though they are much less impressive than the ones in Jurassic Park.
HighTop: A Brachiosaurus. These creatures don't seem to have a specific homeland, but they do love gold.
RedEye: The Tyrannosaurus Rex tribe. These dinosaurs don't seem to be 'intelligent' in the same sense as the other dinosaurs. They were once kept under control by the EarthWalkers, but Scales now has them running around causing havoc.