Part 27: 27 - Slimy Like My Soul
27 - Slimy Like My Soul
[Well, we're heading back into SnowHorn Wastes for the, what, third time now? It will be the last, though.]
[Now, I know it's kind of late, but I completely failed to mention this place despite the fact that I actually collected the crap from it at some earlier point. As you can see, there's a Boost Pad.]
[It also has a whole lot of gems. Kind of nice, but generally useless since it's usually pretty hard to run out of gems.]
[As you can see, the switch is already hit. Normally there are a pair of Fuel Cells at the end of this little walkway that are blocked by a grate. You've seen it enough times that you should probably be able to visualize it on your own.]
[And this is the jerk who wanted the Golden Root.]
[First, however, we're going to melt some ice that is behind him.]
[Beyond that we find a tree with a spitter inside it. As before, we shoot him and...]
[The tree falls, and we're now ready to deal with that stupid mammoth.]
You're representing occurances in this narrative out of order!
What can I say, I'm a fan of postmodernism.
I believe it was around the same time...
I didn't think that huge bulb or bone on your head literally meant you were a bonehead. :badumptish:
That's great. Know where any Krazoa Spirits are?
Oh fuck you.
[The bullshit begins now. First off, the timer begins in a cutscene again. Why the fuck do they do this?]
[Whatever. The bigger dick move is that they start the race with you facing the wrong way, so it's not unreasonable for a player to go bouncing over the rocks looking for the tile. Don't do this; it's all of ten feet behind the mammoth.]
[Blowing the horn on the platform (you have to do this every time) reveals the next one, which is just beyond the log we knocked down. You can see the Krazoa Shrine in the distance behind a grate. This won't take long at all!]
Why, you pricks, why? The door is right over there!
[This one is down in the main valley, below the path that led up to the mammoth we gave the root to. Luckily, there's a one-way slope that leads there from where we are.]
[They're giving around 30 extra seconds every time we blow the horn. So tedious.]
[The next one is right next to Garunda Te, sitting there starring at us like an asshole.]
They're all assholes.
[The final platform pops up at the top of the cliff that was past the first tree we shot down the time we saved Garunda Te.]
[And, of course, just to be a dick, that mammoth shows up at the gate to congratulate us for passing his dumb and useless test that makes saving their planet harder.]
Like an old friend...
...who comes to visit with a spiked dildo and some rohypnol.
[Obvious bullshit in this room: two gremlins, curvy path, bomb. Not obvious bullshit in this room: the floor is made of ice.]
[It took me about seven tries to get this. The gremlins respawn after two, usually.]
[Bullshit that it isn't possible to know about until you reach this room: a bomb-robot and flame jets you have to control.]
[My hands were shaking with rage, so about ten tries later, I finally make it in. Getting the bomb through the flames is pretty easy, thankfully. The robot zigzags before it passes through a flame jet, so just watch to see whether it is travelling laterally before flipping the switch and you can be sure it's clear of the flames.]
[This room is weird. I think it exists just to fuck with your head (as if I needed that). You have to toss the bomb across a whirlwind to reach here, but if you're actually playing this game you've probably realized that bombs specifically don't detonate in whirlwinds. There's also a bomb-drop point that you can use while you kill the SharpClaw.]
[This is the real mindfuck. Not the flame jets, those are easy to avoid, but the range of your throw. Is it far enough? Can you hit the wall with this bomb? Fuck up and you have to do it all over again. You can't climb up with the bomb...]
[It is. ]
Let's go put that purple genie in his lamp.
[Test of Strength - Viddler]
[I...err...yeah. I could see maybe 20 seconds for this to give idiots a few moments to see what's going on, but a full minute? Yeesh.]
Come on, get down here so we can go. Get in the la-
Ungh. It's like eating raw calamari.
Pink eye. Pink eye!
I really don't need this.
[And we're off to the WarpStone.]
Feelin' a bit gooey, eh, Fox?
Like I just chugged two litres of Crisco.
Och, some of the spew landed on meh!
I bet freefalling with that thing in you is lots of fun.
Oh god, nausea, vertigo and now...this...
[The door for this spirit is on the first floor.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrhhhh! This hurts worse than STD testing! At least it made the queasiness go away a bit.
Methinks you've forgotten something.
Never eating seafood ever again.
Too...queasy for snappy...retort...Tricky...
Yeah, that's usually how math works.
Now then, it's time for you and Tricky to go to Dragon Rock. Your toughest challenge yet.
Ok, feeling a bit better now. So, who do I need to brow beat in order to be allowed to SAVE THE FUCKING PLANET?
It's you, isn't it.
Wot? Nae, lad.
Oh fuck off. Just open the gate already.
Tha's hardly retarded enough fer the final dungeon, doncha think?
That statement is pretty ironic...
Lord knows you never shut the hell up.
Maybe my mom knows something.
She is a font of useless bullshit.
What, I was supposed to have fucking talked to these worthless pantywaists?
Seriously, I only talk to random NPCs in RPGs who might reveal subquests or give me items. All these assholes talk about is the WarpStone keeping them awake and how they're afraid of the dark.
Are you fucking shitting me?! Dude trying to save your planet asks you a question and you refuse him for nap time?!
I will beat you fucking curs until the sun rises and reveals that the grass has grown red from the blood!
[Yes, the game will cockblock you right here UNTIL THE SUN FUCKING RISES. You get to spend two or three minutes running around and waiting.]
Somehow you actually manage to be...cuntier than the rest. I don't even think that's a real word, but it suits you.
Don't care. Open the portal then you can go die in isolation and ignominy.
But, me and my friends, we tried to-
Yeah, and in case you hadn't noticed, you're all fucking simpering twats, so you were bound to fail. You're only alive because...I don't fucking know why. Lord knows there's no real continuity between being a gatekeeper and granting access to the floating islands.
So am I!
No, I am!
No, it's me!
God, why me?
Slippy, get me some engine degreaser ready. I need to kill some braincells.