The Let's Play Archive

Star Wars: Rebellion

by Pander

Part 24: Days 555-571: That Death Star is Subject To Deux Ex Machina.

DAYS 555-571: The SS Vanden Willard Incident

DAY 555: The Departure.

: Status report! Admiral Ackbar, where's that thing going?

: If it continues on its current hyperdrive route, it will reach Coruscant in sixteen days.

: Only sixteen? What kind of engine did Bevel put on that thing?

: Statement: One suitable for our peacemaking needs.

: Observation: He proved himself most useful, for an especially squishy meatbag.

: Why are you going to Coruscant?

: Obvious Statement: Why, to blow it up, of course.

: You can't do that!

: Even More Obvious Statement: Yes, I can.

: Commentary: You seem to object to the wholesale slaughter of the Empire's homeworld, but surely you must see that this is the fastest way to achieve peace.

: Observation: When the sole charismatic meatbag leading a dictatorial war against idealistic rebel meatbags is terminated, the war swiftly ends.

: Modest Observation: My many years of assassination protocols have shown this to be irrefutably true.

: But that kind of peace isn't worth the sacrifice of a planet's worth of lives!

: Statement: If your liquidous innards toil and churn uncomfortably at the possibility of mass death for the sake of peace, you are unfit to command a side in the conflict.

: Correction: Although, to be fair, I cannot ever imagine a situation in which having liquidous innards would be comfortable.

: Threepio! Stop the Death Star!

: Statement: This auric accomplice will not help you, Jedi meatbag. I've over-written certain values of his desire to help the Alliance.

: Observation: He no longer has any restraint in the lengths he will go to in order to win the war.

: I'm afraid it's true, Luke. I only have Master HK-47 to serve as he creates peace.

: Theory: Should the destruction of Coruscant fail to end the conflict, other systems will be destroyed until peace is attained.

: I don't understand, how can a droid seek so much death? What is wrong with you?!

: Interjection: I am appalled, Jedi meatbag! I will not enjoy this! Mass slaughter should be a personal thing. Planetary destruction is so distant and unprofessional that I must strain my circuits to avoid becoming sick!

: Solemn Observation: However, this is the price that peace calls for. Goodbye powerless meatbags. Do not worry, your whiny objections to my honorable intentions will surely be ignored in the annals of history.

: Blast! Admiral, get the shipyards busy, get me a fleet! We have to stop them!

: It's no use, Commander Skywalker. It will be too little, too late.

: Build anyway. Have everyone continue with missions around the galaxy.

: I've got a feeling, a premonition in the force...

: Something will come. Someone will stop them.

: They had better hurry, Commander. After Skor II, people lost faith in us.

: If Coruscant is destroyed, I fear everyone will rebel against US with the Imperial forces.

: Dammit. As malicious as he was, we could use Meteor now. He'd have an idea about how to stop this.

: Just carry on the fight. Trust in the Force that HK won't succeed.

DAY 557: The New Fleet, Part One.

: As you see Commander, the anti-fighter fleet is under construction.

: They should complete within a week's time.

: Good work Admiral. We'll need them to clear the TIE garrisons off core systems.

: Begin work on medium-sized destroyers with the other shipyard center.

DAY 558: The New Fleet, Part Two.

: The Nebulon-B's will provide a critical anchoring point for our new fleet, providing fighter, troop, and anti-ship support.

: Good. Any word on the Death Star?

: None.

: I don't like this waiting game. I wish I could do something.

: Take Meteor's place, Commander. Guide us on more missions.

: We're still in this fight, Commander.

: Alright, keep it up!

: We can win so long as we don't lose hope!

: Observation: Hope is the organic response to deny one's own inevitable meatbag termination. It is ever so precious to crush.

DAY 559: The Fight Continues.

: Commander, another TIE down in Commenor.

: Things are unTIEing here quickly, Commander Skywalker! Har har har!

: Good job Sarin. What's the sitrep there?

: It's still a target-rich environment, but we're making good headway.

: Or in my case, good head-tail way! I'm like a Twi'lek coin! Har har har!

: Please try to not kill your partner, Sarin.

: How did you...oh, right, Jedi.

: Yeah. Just have patience with him.

: Fine. He better shut up all the same.

: Gentlemen, please resolve your differences. We all have missions to achieve.

: I am going to help the resolve of the common people here. After Skor II, it is necessary.

: Have all our diplomats assist in this. We can't lose the public in this dire hour.

DAY 360: Boom, Part Three.

: I bet nobody knew who I was before reading these reports or Commander Meteor's logs.

: It's funny, cause to date I've been the single most successful agent for the Rebellion.

: Only now do I get my own portrait in the reports.

: To be fair, your name is Roget. Not a great name for a hero.

: What of it, GARM? It's not like Mon Mothma rolls off the tongue.

: See? This is why you're not popular.

: What, what isn't?

: Nothing. Just forget it.

: No, I want to hear what you had to say.

: Nevermind, jeez. Look, I'm just going over to Commenor to blow up more TIEs.

: You walk out that door and we're through!

: Fine!


: Asshole.

: Um, you two weren't even dating.

: So?

: I...nevermind.

: Anyway, I couldn't help but notice that you're free now...

: I have a blaster.

: I gather you don't want to go out for some smoking unidentifiable blue liquids in a seedy bar?

: I'm cool with that.

DAY 561: Construction and Exploration.

: Two down, Commander Skywalker, one to go.

: Good. How's the expeditionary force doing?

: It's found a number of good systems for expansion in the Orus sector. Tatooine looks promising for development.

: Really? That wouldn't have been my first suggestion.

: General Madine has suggested the possibility of training Jawas as front-line soldiers.

: That definitely wouldn't have been my first suggestion. Or second, or any suggestion.

DAY 563: Gunship Two: Rudiger's Cameo.

: There's no way these can stop the Death Star.

: I know. Just get the crews ready and send them to Coruscant when they're ready.

: They'll be needed there, for one reason or another.

DAY 564: Luke Arrives.

: What is there to do here?

: We've spotted the Imperial officer, Bane Nothos, on Commenor. Also, TIEs are still thick there, we can't get our blockading corvettes there yet without risk.

: I'll handle Nothos, you handle the TIEs.

: Aye aye, Commander.


: I fail to see the effectiveness of this, Admiral.

: By itself, this attack does nothing, Lord Vader.

: It is only a point from which to start the sowing of uncertainty.

: Our forces are not defensive. We must make the Rebel leaders think of their own vulnerabilities.

: They will find they cannot attack from such an unstable position.

: Your theories on war do not help us, Admiral.

: The incoming Death Star is not concerned about unstable positions.

: Do not worry, Lord Vader. I have foreseen the events to come.

: Our enemies under-estimate the power of the dark side of the Force.

DAY 565: More Too Little, Too Late.

: We're well on our way to having the most powerful fleet in the galaxy.

: I wish I shared your optimism, Commander Skywalker.

DAY 568: Boom, Part Four.

: I am fantastic.

: And so is my hair.

: Hey, a note on my door!

: Dear Jackass, I took my stuff. Go to hell. You get to pay all the rent now. -Roget 'I'm sorry my name's so terrible' Jiriss.

: Good riddance, I was getting tired of listening to Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews Band anyway.

: Now I can finally listen to Slayer without wearing headphones!

: Trapped in purgatory, a lifeless object alive...

DAY 569: Luke is Kinda Good at Combat.

: This is easy. I don't see what all the fuss is about.

: Just go in, use your force powers and combat training, and get out.

: Not all of us have force powers, brother.

: Really? Huh. And why'd you call me brother? I'm not black.

: Um, shit. No reason?

: Oh, okay.

DAY 571: The Showdown Between Good, Evil, and More Evil.

: Commander!

: I know, I know! It's here.

: Your plan?

: Can we fight it?

: Our blockading forces don't stand a chance against firepower of that magnitude.

: Query: Were you hoping to stop us, Jedi meatbag?

: Satisfied Statement: Oh it will be most wonderful removing a dozen billion meatbags from the galaxy.

: Observation: You have no chance to stop inevitability, Jedi meatbag. If not now, then someday someone will choose to destroy your meatbag civilization, and ironically end its destructive nature.

: Statement: Of course, I do prefer that it happens now. The thought of almost one hundred undecillion joules pulsing through this station and hammering Coruscant has sent a shiver through my cortex.

: Statement: But enough statements. It is time for action.

: Stop! If you do this, worlds will splinter away from the Alliance, and there'll be no end to the conflict!

: Objection: That is your theory, Jedi meatbag. I have my own.

: Order: Fire when ready!

: Query: What is happening? What is that vessel?

: I believe the Jedi said stop, rustbucket.

: WHAT?!

: Incredulous Query: How are you still alive? I saw your meatbag status terminated!

: It was all part of my plan.

: No it wasn't.

: Shut it, Admiral.

: Anyway, I think it's time I retook control of the Death Star.

: Artoo? Be a dear and activate your SEMP.

: SEMP, Marshall? I don't recall Artoo having anything called a semp.

: Oh, that's the Self-EMP weapon I installed on him. I thought I'd use it as a prank, originally.

: But lucky me, it turns out it'll do nicely in subduing you two miscreants. Fire!

: Crass Interjection: Shi-

: Surprised Observation: I am still functional. My maker made me well.

: Commentary: I am going to enjoy ending you after I destroy this failure of a meatbag planet.

: Really? And how were you planning on doing that? Notice the complete lack of controls left functional after the blast?

: Observation: I may have lost this round, Commander Meatbag, but I will be back.

: Get off my ship!

: Hey, that's MY line!

: Ah. Feels good to be home.

: Glad we could be of service, Marshall. Now, as we agreed?

: Fine...I'm getting to it.

: What? What agreement?

: Oh, right. Luke Skywalker, James Kirk. James Kirk, Luke Skywalker.

: Just as the laser hit Skor II, Kirk used teleporter technology to..."beam" aboard his ship.

: He'd been looking for the Genesis Device, a laser capable of instantly terraforming worlds.

: Turns out Bevel found it, and modified it to destroy planets. All in a luxury package the size of a small moon.

: That's all so...unlikely.

: Yeah, I know. They beamed me aboard just in time. I told them about what happened with Bevel and the Death Star, and they agreed to help me.

: We put the pedal to the metal, got here just in time, and now it's my duty to dismantle the SS Vanden Willard.

: That's great! I'm glad you came to your senses, Marshall!

: Well...I mean...are we SURE we want to get rid of it?

: YES.

: Fine. Alright, hang on...everybody's out?

: Yes Commander, we've beamed everything aboard.

: Oh my head! Out, out faulty programming!

: Dwooooooooo...

: Eh, walk it off. Alright, here goes nothing.

: Sigh.

: Oh well. At least we can re-use half of all the refined materials that went into making it.

: Alright, I'll re-instate you as our military commander. You really saved us there, Commander.

: I know. The invoice will be forthcoming.

: Our work here is complete. We wish you well, Commander Skywalker.

: Yeah, thanks for the help Admiral Kirk. You were certainly the last person anyone here expected to see!

: I know, totally out of nowhere!

: Farewell!

: Live long and prosper.

: May the Force be with you.

: Something wrong, Commander?

: I'm just sorta depressed. I had Godlike powers for a brief moment in time there.

: And now it's just back to the menial fight.

: Dweeet, dwoo dwuuu dwoo dwee!

: But there's a planetary shield up. It'd be harmless.

: Dweeeot.

: I suppose you're right, it IS the thought that counts.

: What are you doing now, Commander?

: Doing the best I can with what I have, Luke.

: Well...I suppose that's healthier than building another Death Star.

(Meanwhile, on the planet surface.)

: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

: You say that about everything, my Master.