Part 24: Days 555-571: That Death Star is Subject To Deux Ex Machina.
DAYS 555-571: The SS Vanden Willard Incident
DAY 555: The Departure.
: Status report! Admiral Ackbar, where's that thing going?
: If it continues on its current hyperdrive route, it will reach Coruscant in sixteen days.
: Only sixteen? What kind of engine did Bevel put on that thing?
: Statement: One suitable for our peacemaking needs.
: Observation: He proved himself most useful, for an especially squishy meatbag.
: Why are you going to Coruscant?
: Obvious Statement: Why, to blow it up, of course.
: You can't do that!
: Even More Obvious Statement: Yes, I can.
: Commentary: You seem to object to the wholesale slaughter of the Empire's homeworld, but surely you must see that this is the fastest way to achieve peace.
: Observation: When the sole charismatic meatbag leading a dictatorial war against idealistic rebel meatbags is terminated, the war swiftly ends.
: Modest Observation: My many years of assassination protocols have shown this to be irrefutably true.
: But that kind of peace isn't worth the sacrifice of a planet's worth of lives!
: Statement: If your liquidous innards toil and churn uncomfortably at the possibility of mass death for the sake of peace, you are unfit to command a side in the conflict.
: Correction: Although, to be fair, I cannot ever imagine a situation in which having liquidous innards would be comfortable.
: Threepio! Stop the Death Star!
: Statement: This auric accomplice will not help you, Jedi meatbag. I've over-written certain values of his desire to help the Alliance.
: Observation: He no longer has any restraint in the lengths he will go to in order to win the war.
: I'm afraid it's true, Luke. I only have Master HK-47 to serve as he creates peace.
: Theory: Should the destruction of Coruscant fail to end the conflict, other systems will be destroyed until peace is attained.
: I don't understand, how can a droid seek so much death? What is wrong with you?!
: Interjection: I am appalled, Jedi meatbag! I will not enjoy this! Mass slaughter should be a personal thing. Planetary destruction is so distant and unprofessional that I must strain my circuits to avoid becoming sick!
: Solemn Observation: However, this is the price that peace calls for. Goodbye powerless meatbags. Do not worry, your whiny objections to my honorable intentions will surely be ignored in the annals of history.
: Blast! Admiral, get the shipyards busy, get me a fleet! We have to stop them!
: It's no use, Commander Skywalker. It will be too little, too late.
: Build anyway. Have everyone continue with missions around the galaxy.
: I've got a feeling, a premonition in the force...
: Something will come. Someone will stop them.
: They had better hurry, Commander. After Skor II, people lost faith in us.
: If Coruscant is destroyed, I fear everyone will rebel against US with the Imperial forces.
: Dammit. As malicious as he was, we could use Meteor now. He'd have an idea about how to stop this.
: Just carry on the fight. Trust in the Force that HK won't succeed.
DAY 557: The New Fleet, Part One.
: As you see Commander, the anti-fighter fleet is under construction.
: They should complete within a week's time.
: Good work Admiral. We'll need them to clear the TIE garrisons off core systems.
: Begin work on medium-sized destroyers with the other shipyard center.
DAY 558: The New Fleet, Part Two.
: The Nebulon-B's will provide a critical anchoring point for our new fleet, providing fighter, troop, and anti-ship support.
: Good. Any word on the Death Star?
: I don't like this waiting game. I wish I could do something.
: Take Meteor's place, Commander. Guide us on more missions.
: We're still in this fight, Commander.
: Alright, keep it up!
: We can win so long as we don't lose hope!
: Observation: Hope is the organic response to deny one's own inevitable meatbag termination. It is ever so precious to crush.
DAY 559: The Fight Continues.
: Commander, another TIE down in Commenor.
: Things are unTIEing here quickly, Commander Skywalker! Har har har!
: Good job Sarin. What's the sitrep there?
: It's still a target-rich environment, but we're making good headway.
: Or in my case, good head-tail way! I'm like a Twi'lek coin! Har har har!
: Please try to not kill your partner, Sarin.
: How did you...oh, right, Jedi.
: Yeah. Just have patience with him.
: Fine. He better shut up all the same.
: Gentlemen, please resolve your differences. We all have missions to achieve.
: I am going to help the resolve of the common people here. After Skor II, it is necessary.
: Have all our diplomats assist in this. We can't lose the public in this dire hour.
DAY 360: Boom, Part Three.
: I bet nobody knew who I was before reading these reports or Commander Meteor's logs.
: It's funny, cause to date I've been the single most successful agent for the Rebellion.
: Only now do I get my own portrait in the reports.
: To be fair, your name is Roget. Not a great name for a hero.
: What of it, GARM? It's not like Mon Mothma rolls off the tongue.
: See? This is why you're not popular.
: What, what isn't?
: Nothing. Just forget it.
: No, I want to hear what you had to say.
: Nevermind, jeez. Look, I'm just going over to Commenor to blow up more TIEs.
: You walk out that door and we're through!
: Um, you two weren't even dating.
: Anyway, I couldn't help but notice that you're free now...
: I have a blaster.
: ...so I gather you don't want to go out for some smoking unidentifiable blue liquids in a seedy bar?
: I'm cool with that.
DAY 561: Construction and Exploration.
: Two down, Commander Skywalker, one to go.
: Good. How's the expeditionary force doing?
: It's found a number of good systems for expansion in the Orus sector. Tatooine looks promising for development.
: Really? That wouldn't have been my first suggestion.
: General Madine has suggested the possibility of training Jawas as front-line soldiers.
: That definitely wouldn't have been my first suggestion. Or second, or any suggestion.
DAY 563: Gunship Two: Rudiger's Cameo.
: There's no way these can stop the Death Star.
: I know. Just get the crews ready and send them to Coruscant when they're ready.
: They'll be needed there, for one reason or another.
DAY 564: Luke Arrives.
: What is there to do here?
: We've spotted the Imperial officer, Bane Nothos, on Commenor. Also, TIEs are still thick there, we can't get our blockading corvettes there yet without risk.
: I'll handle Nothos, you handle the TIEs.
: Aye aye, Commander.
: I fail to see the effectiveness of this, Admiral.
: By itself, this attack does nothing, Lord Vader.
: It is only a point from which to start the sowing of uncertainty.
: Our forces are not defensive. We must make the Rebel leaders think of their own vulnerabilities.
: They will find they cannot attack from such an unstable position.
: Your theories on war do not help us, Admiral.
: The incoming Death Star is not concerned about unstable positions.
: Do not worry, Lord Vader. I have foreseen the events to come.
: Our enemies under-estimate the power of the dark side of the Force.
DAY 565: More Too Little, Too Late.
: We're well on our way to having the most powerful fleet in the galaxy.
: I wish I shared your optimism, Commander Skywalker.
DAY 568: Boom, Part Four.
: I am fantastic.
: And so is my hair.
: Hey, a note on my door!
: Dear Jackass, I took my stuff. Go to hell. You get to pay all the rent now. -Roget 'I'm sorry my name's so terrible' Jiriss.
: Good riddance, I was getting tired of listening to Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews Band anyway.
: Now I can finally listen to Slayer without wearing headphones!
: Trapped in purgatory, a lifeless object alive...
DAY 569: Luke is Kinda Good at Combat.
: This is easy. I don't see what all the fuss is about.
: Just go in, use your force powers and combat training, and get out.
: Not all of us have force powers, brother.
: Really? Huh. And why'd you call me brother? I'm not black.
: Um, shit. No reason?
: Oh, okay.
DAY 571: The Showdown Between Good, Evil, and More Evil.
: I know, I know! It's here.
: Your plan?
: Can we fight it?
: Our blockading forces don't stand a chance against firepower of that magnitude.
: Query: Were you hoping to stop us, Jedi meatbag?
: Satisfied Statement: Oh it will be most wonderful removing a dozen billion meatbags from the galaxy.
: Observation: You have no chance to stop inevitability, Jedi meatbag. If not now, then someday someone will choose to destroy your meatbag civilization, and ironically end its destructive nature.
: Statement: Of course, I do prefer that it happens now. The thought of almost one hundred undecillion joules pulsing through this station and hammering Coruscant has sent a shiver through my cortex.
: Statement: But enough statements. It is time for action.
: Stop! If you do this, worlds will splinter away from the Alliance, and there'll be no end to the conflict!
: Objection: That is your theory, Jedi meatbag. I have my own.
: Order: Fire when ready!
: Query: What is happening? What is that vessel?
: I believe the Jedi said stop, rustbucket.
: Incredulous Query: How are you still alive? I saw your meatbag status terminated!
: It was all part of my plan.
: No it wasn't.
: Shut it, Admiral.
: Anyway, I think it's time I retook control of the Death Star.
: Artoo? Be a dear and activate your SEMP.
: SEMP, Marshall? I don't recall Artoo having anything called a semp.
: Oh, that's the Self-EMP weapon I installed on him. I thought I'd use it as a prank, originally.
: But lucky me, it turns out it'll do nicely in subduing you two miscreants. Fire!
: Crass Interjection: Shi-
: Surprised Observation: I am still functional. My maker made me well.
: Commentary: I am going to enjoy ending you after I destroy this failure of a meatbag planet.
: Really? And how were you planning on doing that? Notice the complete lack of controls left functional after the blast?
: Observation: I may have lost this round, Commander Meatbag, but I will be back.
: Get off my ship!
: Hey, that's MY line!
: Ah. Feels good to be home.
: Glad we could be of service, Marshall. Now, as we agreed?
: Fine...I'm getting to it.
: What? What agreement?
: Oh, right. Luke Skywalker, James Kirk. James Kirk, Luke Skywalker.
: Just as the laser hit Skor II, Kirk used teleporter technology to..."beam"...me aboard his ship.
: He'd been looking for the Genesis Device, a laser capable of instantly terraforming worlds.
: Turns out Bevel found it, and modified it to destroy planets. All in a luxury package the size of a small moon.
: That's all so...unlikely.
: Yeah, I know. They beamed me aboard just in time. I told them about what happened with Bevel and the Death Star, and they agreed to help me.
: We put the pedal to the metal, got here just in time, and now it's my duty to dismantle the SS Vanden Willard.
: That's great! I'm glad you came to your senses, Marshall!
: Well...I mean...are we SURE we want to get rid of it?
: Fine. Alright, hang on...everybody's out?
: Yes Commander, we've beamed everything aboard.
: Oh my head! Out, out faulty programming!
: Eh, walk it off. Alright, here goes nothing.
: ...no. Sigh.
: Oh well. At least we can re-use half of all the refined materials that went into making it.
: Alright, I'll re-instate you as our military commander. You really saved us there, Commander.
: I know. The invoice will be forthcoming.
: Our work here is complete. We wish you well, Commander Skywalker.
: Yeah, thanks for the help Admiral Kirk. You were certainly the last person anyone here expected to see!
: I know, totally out of nowhere!
: Live long and prosper.
: May the Force be with you.
: Something wrong, Commander?
: I'm just sorta depressed. I had Godlike powers for a brief moment in time there.
: And now it's just back to the menial fight.
: Dweeet, dwoo dwuuu dwoo dwee!
: But there's a planetary shield up. It'd be harmless.
: I suppose you're right, it IS the thought that counts.
: What are you doing now, Commander?
: Doing the best I can with what I have, Luke.
: Well...I suppose that's healthier than building another Death Star.
(Meanwhile, on the planet surface.)
: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
: You say that about everything, my Master.