Part 160: Urushibara Ruka shares a burden

I didn't go to the vigil, nor the funeral.
There's no way I could go.
It's almost like I killed her.
I don't want to see anything.
I don't want to meet anyone.
Even breathing is bothersome.

But, I have no choice but to face both this emptiness and this heartrending guilt, and accept what I have done. That's my current obligation. What I must do.

And then, I hear the sound of someone pulling the curtain.



With her back to that light stands a woman. I can tell from the silhouette that it's Kurisu, but I immediately cover my face and block out the noise.

"Okabe. It's already been three days, so will you at least eat something?"

"..."



"That, on that day, Mayuri would die."

"..."

"Why don't you time leap? You wouldn't hesitate to use the Time Leap Machine to save Mayuri. That's what I hypothesized. And what happened to your plan to change Urushibara's gender to male and take back the IBN 5100? You were focused on carrying out that plan to save Mayuri. So, why...?"

"..."

"Wait, by any chance, did you alreayd get back the IBN 5100, and this is after you changed world lines? And what's left here is Okabe Rintarou's remains. Left behind. And now this is the parallel world that continues from the future where Mayuri wasn't saved--"



It might be because I haven't spoken in three days, but my voice was hoarse.

"What do you mean?"

"...I couldn't change Rukako back into a guy. That's why I accepted this fate..."

No, again, I chose words that make my actions seem ambiguous.

"I... let Mayuri die..."

"..."

Kurisu catches her breath. Why did I confess? It's not something I should confess so easily. Almost like calling myself a murderer. And yet, I...

Do I want to be criticized, to put myself at ease? At this rate, it seems like it's preferable to be criticized by someone than to keep living with the pain of keeping it bottled up. And, if that someone is Kurisu, I'm sure she would tell me exactly what's on her mind. Like, 'You're the worst'.

But...

"...will you eat?"



"If you're okay with cup noodles, I can prepare that. Or do you want to go buy something?"

"Blame me. Scolding me for killing Mayuri..."

"I do want to scold you, but let's stop. It doesn't look like I need to say anything. Returning to the past and bending the laws of causality might be an impertinent act, after all. More importantly..."



"You've been fighting all alone this whole time as the only existence outside the confines of cause and effect. So, no one else can understand your pain but you... No one else but you can understand the meaning of your choice. There's no way I can blame you when I haven't time leaped even once."

"...How can you be so understanding?"

I strongly grasp my knees.

"There's no way I could understand. When you decided to save Mayuri by time leaping, you must've made a resolve that nobody else could understand. So, accept what you've done. If you do that, then you'll never forget the meaning of what you've done."

So, in other words, Kurisu's telling me to suffer by myself. What a sadistic woman...

"But..."



"Mayuri is dead. It's disappointing - no, disappointing isn't sad enough of a word - but anyway, Mayuri is no more. You couldn't oppose the world's convergence, the world's will. But, that girl is still alive. Thanks to you, she's still alive, as a girl. And I think she's suffering all alone, just like you. The only one who can understand her suffering is you, Okabe, her 'accomplice,' right?"

"Accomplice..."

The woman named Makise Kurisu is truly harsh...

Rukako's image floats through my mind. She used to be a guy. But now she's a woman. And from now on, she'll live as a woman. The one who chose that future for Rukako is, without a doubt, me. When I imagine her frail smile, I feel like a spring has sprung in the frozen soil of my dry heart. I can't bear to lose Rukako after sacrificing Mayuri...

In that case, what I can do is...

"Thank you, Kurisu. I'm glad I talked with you."





The large tree next to the main building... its branches coated with luscious leaves sway in the gentle breeze. These silently still grounds seem slightly cooler than the crowded buildings in front of the station. We might also be near the Kanda River.

It's devoid of people, as usual. I casually advance towards the offertory box, absentmindedly gazing at the shrine. I wonder if Rukako's home. Her family should be here, too. How to call for her...

As I think this, the wind suddenly lets up, and the sound of trees rustling stops for a bit. In its place, I hear sobbing deep within. Sounds like it's behind the main building. I gain some confidence, and slowly head towards the voice.



Subduing her voice. Hugging her knees. Holding Samidare. Rukako is there, crying.

"Rukako..."

"...Okabe."

Rukako turns her wet eyes towards me when she notices me, but immediately afterwards, buries her face in her knees. Her shoulders start shaking.

"Yesterday... I went to Mayuri's funeral... Everyone cried. I didn't know Mayuri was loved by so many people... Of course, I loved Mayuri, too... I'm not really good with strangers, but Mayuri would still brightly talk to me... She was the friend I loved the most..."

I lose the words I was about to say. All I can do is sit silently next to Rukako.

"But still, why, Okabe..."



"Even though Mayuri died... Now, while I’m still a girl..."

Since she somehow got back her memories from when she was a guy, Rukako is beginning to have gender identity issues. I don't know that feeling. Just as Kurisu said, Rukako is also isolated outside the confines of cause and effect.

"It just doesn't feel right... for me to keep living like this..."

"That's not true."

Even though I try to cheer her up with those careless words, Rukako keeps shaking her head in denial.

"Okabe, is there any way at all to save Mayuri...?"

"...It's useless."

"No way...!"



"Let's keep thinking... I'll do anything if it'll save Mayuri...! I heard from Mayuri before... that Okabe made a device that goes back in time."

Is she talking about the Time Leap Machine...

"If we use that--"

"It's useless."

"If we go back in time, I'm sure we'll find a way..."

"There is... no way."

I declare so while clenching my fist and hanging my head.

"It may be cruel, but all we can do is accept Mayuri's death, and keep on living."

"You can't give up...! Why are you giving up? Aren't you sad at all that Mayuri died?"

"...In any case, there is no way."

"No, I don't want Mayuri to die...!"

"Rukako!"

Rukako's whole body winces when I grab her shoulders and raise my voice.



"Okabe..."

"She was my important childhood friend... There's no way I could have given up on her... I thought. I thought so much I could die, I struggled, and I struggled, and tried any means I thought could help...! How many times do you think I've gone back in time... But it was all useless... The world just wants her dead. No matter how I try to avoid it, the world snatches Mayuri away just to laugh at me. To save Mayuri, I've sacrificed other people's memories. I did so to save Mayuri, no matter whom I hurt. But that's my limit... It's already useless..."

There is a way. There are still ways to save Mayuri. But I chose none of them. Theoretically, it's not impossible. But it's impossible for me.



"I didn't even stop to think... about Okabe's feelings. But, there's no way, that it's useless... Isn’t there still one more way left...? If you turn me back into a guy--"

"That's no good."

If we do that, then this choice will have no meaning. I chose Rukako instead of Mayuri. That's how it is, if you think about it.

"Please, Okabe. I don't want to be a girl so badly that I'd sacrifice Mayuri...! Please, let me save Mayuri!"

"I won't turn you back into a guy."

"Why... Why won't you...?!"

"That's what I chose. I can't keep on hurting people to feed my ego. Besides, even if we go back to the original world line, it's not certain that we can avoid Mayuri's death. I... wont' sacrifice your memories... for just a small chance like that. So that's enough."

"Okabe... But, this is unforgivable."



"How can I keep living like this... knowing that me being a girl contributed to Mayuri's death...? That’s too heavy a burden... for me to bear... So, why... Why didn't you send the mail to my mom's pager 18 years ago...? Why didn't you choose Mayuri... but me...?"

"You have nothing to feel indebted about. Everything is my choice. The one who killed Mayuri is me. So, all the guilt hangs on me."

I hold the god-rivaling power known as the Time Leap Machine. I chose "Mayuri's Death" out of the infinite universes. And so, I must naturally carry the responsibility equal to the gods.

"And, I thought I wanted you to be happy."

"Happy? How can I possibly be happy... when Mayuri died because of me..."

"It wasn't because of you. Please don't say that again. You might be sad now, but... I want you to keep going forward, and live enough for Mayuri, too."

"No way... I don't want that!"

Rukako clings to my chest. She focuses on me without wiping her tears.



"Bear... together? What nonsense. I am a human outside the confines of cause and effect, the human that chose to let Mayuri die..."

"Then me too... I'll go outside the confines of cause and effect... I regained the memories of my time as a guy, so doesn't that mean I'm already outside...? I also know that I'm living as a woman in exchange for Mayuri's fate, too... We're accomplices..."

Kurisu said the same thing. Ruka and I are accomplices.

"This sadness. And this indebtedness. I want the two of us to embrace them, so we don't forget..."

The two of us are existences isolated outside the confines of cause and effect, where nobody else can understand us. That's why...

"Yeah, I understand..."



"Let's bear our burden, together... Let's live without forgetting this memory, together..."

"Can I stay by you, forever?"



"I might be betraying Mayuri, but... I want to be together forever..."

"Of course."

We both bear the same burden of indebtedness. From now on, we press our shoulders together, accepting Mayuri's death, yet still living.