Part 6

So long as Shargas are unable to properly utilize door related technology, I will remain triumphant. These particular fellas were laid to rest on a healthy diet of human skulls and rocks followed by a sharga sword chaser

I don't know for sure what this guy died of. Sadness, perhaps? Whatever it was, I hope he at least went peacfully, because I am going to loot and grope the shit out of his corpse

Just checking up on my old friend Surrenders Cowardicealot. Nice to see you're still maintaining that awkward "cry while shielding your face with your hands/paws/claws" thing.

You again? I thought I'd seen the last of your kind back in the outer ring! With the newfound confidence that can only come from systematically abusing and humiliating creatures smaller and weaker than myself, I will easily send you on to Ant-Valhalla or wherever it is you ants go. Orthodox heaven, maybe

It has been a long time, so it is forgivable that I might not know which room was mine. It doesn't make me look too retarded, does it? Shit, I hope none of those stuck-up ants are watching me now. If there are any, I am going to fuck up their day

A dozen or so ants later and my old room has a new floor. It's kind of gross I guess, but it still beats shag

Sweet Jesus, my room not only contains ants and barrels, it contains barrels that have nothing but a key in them! I can only imagine the guy that used to put ants in barrels fucked up royal by not putting the key in an ant inside the barrel

Still realing from the discovery of a key that wasn't lodged inside the corpse of an enemy, Drake steadies himself against an adjoining wall. But Lo, that brick is loose! Perhaps that was what Lumber Van Crisco was talking about when he mentioned a brick and something about Elizabeth's mouth

Unfortunately this break only contains a lever. Whoever built this place was pretty sneaky. Now I depart on a new quest: to scour this entire keep to find which wall section has been affected by this lever!

Hmm, seems it was the wall directly to the left. And thusly Drake did solve the sidequest, and came across...

A couple grenades. I guess I shouldn't have expected much, I mean I only had to move three squares from lever to chest, so it's not too dissapointing. After all, grenades have a thousand and one uses, from blowing up enemies to blowing up tables

These adorable corpses must have been left here to protect the sacred keyhole of mythic key insertion that I've heard so much about

Soldiering on through the now unlocked door, I find an enemy in midturn! More correctly, I was in midturn when I found the enemy. I'd hate for my memoirs to be inaccurate, lest the children's songs not truly encapsulate to true heroic magnitude of my many ant-slaying related deeds

I appear to have the drop on this crazy peckerboard for the moment, Metal Gear Stonekeep style. Solid Drake, they'll call me. And I'll pelt them with rocks through a doorway. Say, why is this guy staring into the wall, anyway? If there are creatures that attack through the fucking walls that I am unaware of, then I am fucking out and that bitch can rot in her tiny blue sphere

Murdering Shargas is just like the hokey-pokey. You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out, they give chase around the corner and you knock their tiny ass out

Shitballs, a tiny avenger! Time to slay you, as I slew that minichud on the floor and will continue slewing until you are all slayed! Note to self: no more using war cries generated on the fly

Living my life by the teachings of that guy who taught Conan is working out perfectly. Ah, it is indeed good to see your enemy driven before you, to ...attack the...and hear the...laminations? no, no, that ain't right...lacerations? shit no...well, to hear the women doing something

Soon the enemy lay before me in a pile. Well, less a pile and more a spread out mess that someone is going to have to clean up later. They're dead, that's the important thing to take note of here

So there I am trying to spend a few minutes soaking in the awesomeness of murder when this little bastard comes sprinting at me from behind! Stop, or I'll kill you just like I killed these guys, and it'll be bad news for both of us! You cause you're dead, and me because killing those last four guys has actually been pretty tiring. Where's a dried root when you need one?

Shit, he came behind me! And then he got around me somehow!

And then there were five. Corpses. Sharga corpses, that is. On the floor. Man, if I wasn't so busy adventuring and drinking pinkish water I could be a helluva poet.

Status report: I've progressed four squares and killed five shargas. Not sure I care for this trend...picking on indivdual chumps is fun, but having to fight groups has never been my strong suit. Not since the mother's of some kid I punched in the face two years ago surrounded me and kicked my junk till it bled. That was not fun, not at all. If only I had my journal with me, I would write the shit out of this feeling I'm feeling now.

Ah, nothing like a good cry. Venturing forth, Drake happens across some fire. Realizing that fire is hot, painful and potentially even deadly, he attempts to harnass it as a weapon!

As it turns out a bare hand is no way to go about collecting fire, as it seems to result in an excess amount of fire being applied directly to the hurt center of our hero's fighting hand. And so our hero sets about the rather urgent business of rubbing off the excess fire on the wall beside him when lo! this brick is yet another trick brick! After the dissapointment of last time, surely this time it will be something worthwhile like a mighty knife or Elizabeth's secret used underwear hideout.

Turns out it's just a jar of potion: blue. Fuck you to the very core of your being, guy whose job it was to wander around Stonekeep hiding shit in odd places!

Which leads us to the very center of this level (in the physical sense. Not the emotional sense though, that would be Drake's room. If it really was his room, he's not quite sure. But if it was, oh sweet jesus the memories he might could maybe why not be having). Unfortunately two rather large shargas seem to have made this their love nest. Best not to interrupt their mating, lest the male attack me with his fearsome gonad

Now this is more like it, tiny shargas who are isolated and alone and as rife for mockery and derision as an overweight teenage girl who just accidentally ate the entire class's chocolate bananapple pie

What the christ? This coward flees from battle!? And not even through a door in order to unnaccountably pelt me with rocks from the relative safety of an impassable barrier? Rookie

Well shit in my soup and tell me it's Tuesday, that crafty bastard just went for reinforcements! Reinforcement, at any rate

Let this be a lesson to the rest of you nuts: if you challenge me, I may slaughter you into embarassing positions and then use my detached hand to violate your corpse in every way conceivable and three more that aren't!

Here's a chair. In the proud tradition of my elders, I will flee from Khull Khum like a sissy, shit myself and then have my skill seared off. Wait, no, the other tradition...

Break absolutely everything that I can break. Even if it hurts me and helps my enemies, I simply can't leave a single item unstolen if it can be carried or unbroken if it cannot

Hot damn, a fake brick full of delicous root! Of all the things to find hidden in an intricately designed and built secret compartment, dried root has to be near the top in pure, unrelenting excitement

Me Sharga #47, and me have come to avenge chair! Prepare to die tall applefucker!