Part 16: The Care and Feeding of DickmutantsLast time on Stygian, we ran into some kind of weird dickmutant that told us all about how God wanted it to fuck itself. Really. The Outsider had a conversation request I blew off, so let's talk to him outside the house.
The problem with copy-pasting Lovecraft characters is that Lovecraft's characters weren't very well fleshed out so you either need to provide some kind of character development - which these developers are completely incapable of conceiving - or you need actually original characters. This is of course ignoring that the actual ending to "The Outsider" is the titular character saying "fuck it" and making ghoul friends, but why would we do that when we could have teenage-level emo ANGST?
Bonus points for staring at the dickmutant who isn't even there.
: You may not have a family, but at least you are not alone.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:: I have no family! WAKE ME UP INSIIIIIIIIDE!
Alright, let's get this garbage show on the road.
The game doesn't tell you where to find Dickmutant Junior but I have a guide, because holy shit, if I were playing this trash completely blind I would have quit eons ago.
Imagine a psychedelic bullshit effect draining our sanity forever. Yay!
The game gives us this message when we find the right band of mutants. You can at least tell them from the world map by looking for the mutant with one dead half and one full head of hair.
For some reason triggering combat with the dickmutants is horrifying (but not when we just sneak by them on the street) and I get the insanity game over because the game is intent on draining my sanity rapidly while also wasting my time making me sit through the SpoOoOoOoky cutscene.
Reload and chugging booze later...
The correct answer is to right-click on your character and use the "shout" action that appears in this fight and ONLY this fight as far as I'm aware.
This has to be done on two separate turns, by the way. This means you get to sit through 3-4 of the dickmutants doing their extremely slow head bob acid spit animation. What an exciting innovation in gameplay!
I'm gonna really hate this fight in a bit.
We get a heartwarming cutscene of the two mutants making fucked up alien noises as they're reunited. This is the closest thing to a functional character dynamic this game has.
: OF COURSE I DID YOU HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT IT?
: (The creature that calls itself Edemavvah searches the ghost of a house it calls home and returns with a strangely glowing meteorite in the shape of a cross) I found this on the day I heard the prophecy.
: The metals in the garden are sometimes blessed by the touch of the Lord and glow radiantly, reflecting the light of the All Mighty for eternity. (Edemavvah hands the anomalous cross to you)
: Have you realized that the other half of your son looks, uh dead?
: (Edemavvah glances worriedly at the blackening, lifeless half of its offspring) Abbel, my son... (The membranous layers on the eyes of the creature are blurry now.)
I see we didn't read about Onan. But look, we have a skill option, that will let us help, right?
: If we do not cut off the dead half right now, he will surely die (Melee)
Bertha literally saws the thing in half.
We, uh, broke it.
: I'm sorry. I did my best.
Look, on the plus side he doesn't have to be in Stygian any more.
TheGreatEvilKing summary posted:: My son! Here, have this magic glowing vendor trash.
: Your son is gonna die unless we amputate.
: Uh, ok, go for it.
: Ha ha machete go brrrr. Oops, he's dead. Bye.
So, what does the cross do?
Nothing! Now, I suspect we need it for the upcoming Lovecraft reference but it's kinda disappointing.
Anyway, time for a boss fight.
Oh, look, it's the Color Out Of Space! What does that have to do with the rest of the story? Uh...look! Lovecraft! Clap, seals! Bark! Bark!
The color flies around because it is very SpOoOoOoOky. Now, it has had no buildup and weird psychedelic shit has been happening this whole time, and I'm legitimately sick and tired of these pointless fucking Lovecraft references.
Can we get this over with?
It summons all the dickmutants from the surrounding area, making us sit even longer for a chance at what these idiots think is "gameplay". If you're objecting to my personal attacks on the developers, I will direct you back to the Coaly Willie update.
After far too long staring at LSD dickmutant hour, the Color buries itself under some rubble to ensure the upcoming boss fight is as miserable as possible.
I hope you brought a shovel, motherfucker! Now, there is a lootable shovel on the Blasted street, but if you miss it because the game gives no indication of which containers are interactable without mousing over them.
The Color also has a move that auto-panicks people. Alright, we're low on sanity from these fucking anomalies, but I do have a shovel. Let's equip that on Bertha now and -
Alright, fine, I'll just drag the shovel onto the machete and -
Then we have to spend MORE AP to equip the shovel.
Yup. We also have infinitely spawning waves of dickmutants.
Right now, we can't win with our current resources. Thus I end up reloading back to before we entered the Blasted Street, as I mistakenly think all seven of Amelia's pearls are consumed upon casting Night Walk.
Yes, this means I gotta do all the dickmutant quest stuff again. I'm cutting out some random encounters because we've seen the maze and the cemetery. The cemetery is a waste of time where you can cast Tongue of the Dead to get a 43 cig ring after taking health and sanity damage. Fuck it.
I make a run on the stores in Arkham and take the opportunity to rest at The Old Eel Inn, accepting the label of "cornuto" one last time.
The optimal strat for the Color fight is to get the entire party hopped up on cocaine so they're immune to panic. Really. To do this we need to go to Richter and get "the stuff that makes head go whoooop".
I see that mafia guard in the corner. We also don't have the Subterfuge to get the cabinet open. Pity. Maybe we could offer to split it with the gangster?
I hate this game.
Well, nothing we can do here, so we leave, and...
What the hell is the point of this? Alright, I load up on cocaine, laudanum shots, whiskey, and camping supplies. Let's do this.
If you kill someone when under psychopathy you do a little dance and lose sanity, because these authors couldn't be bothered to research anything other than Lovecraft SparkNotes.
We get it, you failed your audition for Rent.
This takes three tries. The first time I have to reload the game because I tried to use Children of Pazuzu, thinking the bug had something to do with the cultists. Nope, that still makes Bertha unable to use actions.
The second time is because the Nameless Soldier berserks and shoots Bertha in the back of the head. Third time works.
I camp here after leaving the son alone. Supposedly you can fashion a raygun if you have science from the Color out of Space rocks. The game won't let me do this. Whatever.
Alright, take 2. The entire team except Eduardo is high on cocaine and drunk off their asses. In the real world shit would go horribly wrong in ways that are probably scarier than most of Lovecraft's stories, but here we are perfectly fine and about to rush the chokepoint when I discover something horrible.
Characters can't move through each other's spaces. Thus I need to wait an entire turn to move team Player Character through this tiny chokepoint.
For an extra bullshit bonus, only Bertha can equip the shovel. The Nameless Soldier's rifle takes up both his equipment sets (one for bayonet, one for shooting for...some fucking reason), the Outsider's claws are treated as unequippable weapons, and Eduardo won't pick up a shovel so we need to get Bertha over there ASAP.
If you're coming into this at full health and sanity, high on cocaine, and with a shovel equipped in an equipment slot this fight goes from "dick in a vise" to "mindnumbingly tedious because of Bad Game Design."
Eduardo's job is to keep clubbing the infinitely spawning waves of mutants so Bertha can get into position to dig.
The game decides to have Bertha skip some turns because of madness effects or something.
Two shots of Spit of al-Razi from Bertha and the Outsider end this poorly thought out boss fight.
We did it! We're so close!
The Color flies off like in the story. Seals, clapping, etc.
Oh boy Eduardo, what now?
: What do you Americanos say?
: This is it.
: This is simply too much for me...
: I wish to live another day.
Eduardo nopes the fuck out. Not gonna lie, I took an instant dislike to the character after the "how much to fuck" line the Stygian devs threw in, but honestly dude stuck with us through enough bullshit.
Ok, what the hell is this?
Oh, look, a reference to "Dreams in the Witch House". You shouldn't have, you uncreative HACKS!
We, of course, proceed. I still have a lot of cocaine, healing items, and camping supplies. We're doing this. This game will not break me (but it's come pretty close!)
Next time: I don't even know.