Part 31: Chief Asshat
All right, I can't put it off much longer. Time to head back to Na-Nal, the island of elves and douchebags. As you can see, the glowing dot has disappeared, and so has our teleport destination. In other words, it's Goddamn Ocean time, and would you believe me when I say that's actually the best part of this scenario?
First, though, our party for this expedition will be Kika, Ted and Lino. Since this is the first time Kika tags along, let's have her show off for a bit.
Double Sword Attack has Kika and Lazlo swirling their swords around and throwing a goddamn whirlwind at enemies. We are not told how this works - just know that it hurts.
Kika's weapons also change very visibly as they upgrade, from plain metal to fiery red and yellow, and finally a cool blue and white. Their names are Deesha, Pelkent and Righarard, which... I'm not sure if it actually means anything. They follow the same power upgrade curve as Lazlo's swords, capping out at 255 attack at level 16. There's not much difference between weapons at max level in this game - apart from rods, which cap at 200 ATK, all other weapons range from 240 to 255 when fully sharpened.
Also, the Falcon Rune causes Kika to stab the fuck out of enemies. It hits 10 times for 1/4 of her normal damage output and finishes with a single hit for 1/2 the normal damage, for a total of triple damage. This is one of the most damaging things in the game. The only downside is that the individual hits, apart from the finishing blow, can miss - but Kika's skill is high enough that this shouldn't be much of an issue.
Finally, if she's in the party when we visit the pirates' nest, all NPCs will ignore Lazlo and address her directly. (This is okay because Kika is cooler than Lazlo.)
Not particularly, no.
All of it basically amounts to them falling over themselves in order to help her out and Kika just being chill to the point of .
Yeah, I know.
Kika is the best pirate.
No, that's fine.
No drinking on the job. (Hear that, Elenor?)
Also I spent far too long trying to fish up more pirate king gear, but hey, this works. Check that attack value
Also, we have mail.
Because I haven't spent enough money on this shit already or anything!
You're kind of right and kind of wrong.
Like I said, Lino will be coming along whether we like it or not, and we don't have a convoy to stick him in so sucks to be us I suppose.
(Well, not really since Lino is a decent character.)
Arriving at the beach, all the old encounters have been replaced by Kooluk soldiers. This doesn't bode well.
There's a couple of actual NPC ones standing at the entrance to town, too. Talking to, or trying to pass, them, gets us attacked because Kooluk soldiers are morons.
I'm sure they deserved it. Can we leave now?
Damn, too late.
Man: All right!
Youth: Leave it to me!
So the four nameless NPCs easily overpower the two guys with True Runes and the goddamn pirate queen... and Lino too.
God damn cutscene paralysis.
Only because you have traveled this far, I shall at least hear what you have to say.
Nonsense... Have you any proof?
Lazlo, show him the Golden Seal. Island Chief, it's proof that I have entrusted him with my power.
dammit lino you ruined the surprise
Anyway he starts shaking it and turning it over like he knows what he's doing or something (fact: he has no goddamn idea).
Na-Nal Island Chief: Then, you are saying that you did not come here to turn this place into a colony, correct?
Uh. Why would you even assume that? I kind of highly doubt Obel has made itself known as "that one asshole nation going about making other people their colonies" under Lino's reign.
We came to seek your cooperation. We are not like Kooluk, who seeks to invade. And I have not come as King of Obel.
Na-Nal Island Chief: Hmm... Did you say, "invade"? I find that hard to believe. In fact, a certain man came here the other day...
Na-Nal Island Chief: Yes, a young man named Troy. He was a naval officer of Kooluk. This man inspected our village for days and told me that he would do nothing to destroy our way of life. He also said that he would like for us to progress hand-in-hand.
There's no way Kooluk would agree to that...
How do you know this shit, Ted? You've been sailing on a god damn ghost ship for the past several years. I'm surprised you even know what a Kooluk is, much less how they operate.
Na-Nal Island Chief: Now, now, please hear me out. It is clear in my mind that Kooluk's offer was indeed sincere. Do you not realize how belligerent you seem? You intrude suddenly and demand our cooperation? Who could believe you? In fact, you are the more barbarous. After all, no sooner did you land than you beat down the people from Kooluk.
I dunno who might believe it.
People with names, maybe.
You know, the ones who actually matter.
This isn't an unrealistic reaction, on a basic level, but he just takes it so far it becomes downright stupid. Sure, he believes Troy (who is, I'm sure, very charismatic and all that jazz) and has no reason to trust us over him, that much I can buy. But this shit about intruding and demanding? We've been nothing but civil to him and his men, we didn't resist arrest, and it's an open fucking harbour. He's just looking for an excuse to be a dick.
Just say it, you fucking fuck. "That was self defence." It's four words. Four!
Na-Nal Island Chief: Now that you understand, it is time to determine your punishment. You injured our guests... For that, you will pay dearly.
Or maybe we'll just turn around and walk right out of here and leave you to your "guests" because there sure as fuck isn't a force on this island big enough to stop us.
Pops, I think we have the perfect job for these guys.
Na-Nal Island Chief: Oh, I see... Yes, perhaps we will ask them to do that. We'll release you if you'll do but a simple errand for us. A good deal, don't you think? Of course, I hope you are aware that you cannot refuse.
Yes, we fucking well could! You haven't even taken our weapons! All we need to do is go "fuck this noise" and walk out the door!
Na-Nal Island Chief: In the Great Elven Tree on this island, you will find an altar on which there lies a medicine called "Elven Remedy." I would like you to bring it to me. Tonight.
What?! Y-You want us to commit theft?!
Yeah, but it's stealing from elves so I'm strangely okay with the idea even if he's being a dick.
Na-Nal Island Chief: No, no. We're just borrowing. We can eventually return it. You will accept this request, won't you? King of Obel...
Oh, that's right. You didn't come to Na-Nal as the king, did you? Pardon me.
There's still some time before night falls, so please rest in the inn across the square. I'm counting on you...
He is being a dick, though. I've rarely met an NPC whose shit I so badly wanted to ruin.
Oh, by the way, Jewel is also from Na-Nal, meaning both the knights we brought with us in the intro? Have connections with this place yet want nothing to do with it because it is populated by assholes.
People on Na-Nal are assholes. Every single last fucking one of them.
Come on, let's get it over with...
( Let's just hurry up and get it over with...)
So now we have to walk across this fucking path to the fucking tree and deal with the fucking elves and mother of fuck I'm going to end up burning the whole damn thing down.
Here's the tree. We've seen it from the outside already.
Here's the shit.
Here's the only other room in the tree, I'm sure it won't ever be important or anything.
Let's, and also let's put spiders in it because fuck the chief of Na-Nal.
Ya think? All it was lacking was a sign with DEFINITELY NOT A TRAP written on it.
In comic sans, because that conveys a playful, non-threatening attitude.
And also because elves.
Are you certain of this? Letting them go?
Elven Elder: Yes, we thought this through. The stupid humans need to suffer a little to learn their lesson.
Fuck elves. Fuck Na-Nal. Fuck every last fucking one of these fuckers.
No. There's nothing wonderful about it.
It wasn't going too well before now, but then this guy shows his smug fucking face and now everything sucks.
Na-Nal Island Chief: Well now, if I had know it was going to be this simple, I would have done it myself. But, as promised, you are free to leave.
They thanked us, and they swore they'll use it right away to treat all the soldiers these idiots beat up.
I'm pretty sure those soldiers are dead.
We kind of threw magical tornadoes made of swords at them.
I'd be surprised if they can even identify the bodies.
So, it seems you've ended up bowing down to them after all, haven't you.
Yup, totally did.
This wanker is in denial, though.
There must be some sort of law against nameless NPCs being this smug. There must.
A thief?! That's you guys!
Not the best comeback.
Na-Nal Island Chief: Now, Axel. I'm sorry to be sending you out so soon after you returned, but will you please escort them to the harbor?
"I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you over how smug I am."
All right. Come on, let's go.
Believe me, there are few things that would please me more right now than to leave this place forever, because watching you deal with the fallout of tonight's activities from a few islands away would be hilarious.
Hahahahaha you're a funny man.
Let me spoil this right away: yes, Axel joins the party eventually, so let's have a look:
So basically the strongest or second strongest guy they have is weaker than the random optional viking chick I picked up fifteen minutes ago.
I am deeply ashamed that I ever let this loser capture me.
The random enemies in the town square () have also been upgraded to Kooluk dickbags. No one cares when we slaughter them.
I was really hoping I'd get to leave now, but no, there's a goddamn elf with a sword in the way.
There is someone who wishes to speak with you people. Will you come along quietly?
Yes, please kill each other. I would pay to watch you kill each.
Hmm. Now, now, let's at least hear what this is all about.
Because inviting us at swordpoint surely means they are trustworthy.
I would very much appreciate that. I do not wish to soil my sword without cause. Please, this way.
So yeah, the two guys with True Runes, the pirate queen, the former king of Obel, and some random white haired fuck who looks like he runs a power metal band from his basement just got themselves captured by a single
And thrown in jail.