Part 8: Super Noah's Ark 3D

Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Duke Nukem stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished. He woke to find himself trapped in the Bible, facing a mirror image that was not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Duke can see and hear. And so Dr. Nukem finds himself going from deck to deck, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping that the next door will be the door home.

Duke felt a strange chill in the air as he suddenly came to consciousness. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked around. He was surrounded by wood, including the morning variety that was jutting out from under his robe.

Robe?! Just where was he anyway?

Just then the stench smacked him in the face like the hot lead of a Battlelord's chaingun.

"Damn. It smells like Roseanne's armpit just took a dump in here" he grimaced.

Duke reached down for his trusty Nordenfelt, ready to blast the alien bastards who locked him in this wood prison straight to Hell. But when he reached down the only gun he had left was his penis with which he often enjoyed making gun metaphors about. Not to mention his Mighty Boots had been replaced by a pair of fruity looking sandals.

"Shit. I might as well be naked. At least then I could score faster."

Duke angrily punched the wall in front of him only to be confronted by 38 goats. And they were angry.

"Oh boy..." said Duke.

c:\windows\documents and settings opher\desktop\Quantum Leap - Megadeth.mp3

As Duke knocked the living fuck out of goat after goat with his bare hands, the wave of livestock only seemed to get bigger. Just then a door of blue light appeared to the side of him and a man dressed a used car salesman from Back to the Future II walked out holding a pile of Lego brand bricks. It was Al Calavicci, Duke's old military buddy.

"Al? How the hell did you get here? Where the hell are we?" cried Duke, snapping the neck of an Alpine Doe.

"Jeez, Louise, Duke! Use the slingshot!" Al choked out desperately.

Duke looked to the ground and saw a small wooden slingshot and a pouch of grapes.

"It's no Laser Trip Bomb, but it'll have to do."

Duke grabbed the items and began blasting the grapes right into the goats' mouths. Each time he popped in a grape it flew right through the back of their fucking neck totally killing them instantly and splattering blood everywhere.

"Now you alien bastards can suck on my grapes!" yelled Duke

"No Duke! These are goats. You gotta do it gentle-like and just put 'em to sleep." said Al.

"Goats? Why the hell should I care about a bunch of leaf munching furbags?"

"These are the only goats in the world. You've leapt into Noah and you're on the Ark!"

"Holy shit! Guess I'm all wet."

Al stared blankly at Duke.

"You know...like a chick...when they see..."

"Never mind that, Duke. There was a problem with the Accelerator. Ziggy's working on it now, but in the meantime we have to try not to interfere with the past."

Duke's stomach started to rumble.

"That burrito I ate for lunch is about to interfere with my ass. Where's the John around here so I can park my bricks?"

Al pressed some random buttons on his console.

"According to the Bible, it's on the very top floor."

"Daaaamn." said Duke.

TWO HOURS LATER

Duke reached floor 3-4, his hands stained with the blood of sheep, goats, antelope, ostriches, oxen, and camels. Al ran frantically behind him.

"Duke, I'm telling you gotta take it easy. According to calculations you're dropping humanity's population by 10000 with every animal you kill."

Duke beat the shit out of another angry ox.

"Enough of your bull!" he said.

"That's the fifteenth time you've said that!" whined Al.

Suddenly a monkey came out of nowhere and started to chuck coconuts at Duke.

"No more monkeying around!" said Duke, roundhouse kicking the coconuts right back at the monkey's gay head. Its skull exploded into a crimson gusher.

"Duke you've just wiped out the entire population of Alabama!"

"Don't...care...must...park...bricks."

"Why don't you just go inside the monkey? You had no problem going number two inside of Alien carcasses!"

"You sick bastard. I won't defile an Earthling with my bricks!"

"Stop saying bricks!"

FOUR HOURS LATER

Duke found himself at the penultimate floor of the Ark. His robe was now a crimson red with the blood of all the creatures he murdered the shit out of.

Al glared at Duke angrily.

"Way to go Duke. All remaining humans are vegetarians now. The Dukeburger is some kind of mushroom/tofu concoction now."

"Shitting...more...important."

Just then a giant bear charged around the corner

"Whoa. I can bear-ly look at your ugly face."

"Jesus, Duke."

Duke ripped the strap from his left sandal and wrapped it around the bear's neck. He pulled it tight and the bear's head came flying off, soaring through Al's holographic body.

"Tax dollars at work." muttered Al.

"What was that, Short Stack?" asked Duke.

"Nothing!" Al whimpered, practically wetting his pants at the sound of Duke's masculine baritone, but then he realized that he wasn't even in the same physical place as Duke. "Wait! You know what? Fuck you, Howie Long! I don't even know why I'm helping you. You've destroyed society! What the fuck are we doing here?"

Duke walked up to Al, stared him squarely in the eye, and then, kneed him right in the nuts. Al collapsed to the ground, grabbing his crotch.

"Always bet on black." said Duke.

Al stared up in confusion, pressed a few buttons on his Gummi-remote and disappeared behind the door of light.

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Duke walked up to the top floor and saw a tiny outhouse. He opened the door, but was suddenly enveloped with a blue aura....

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Moments later he awoke to find himself inside a forest lying against a tree. A pink haired Japanese girl in a red cheongsam was slapping him in the face. He punched her squarely in the stomach and she vomited all over the place.

"Naruto-kun? What was that for?" she gurgled. "We're right in the middle of The Chunin Exam!?"

"Oh boy..." said Duke.

To be continued....