Part 6: Update Six: Look at that fuckin' mustache.

So, last time on Super Mario RPG, we beat up some sort of dog monster thing and I did a minigame I absolutely hate. Anyways, today, we go meet the best old guy in the game and finally get Mallow a weapon! (Also, sweet Jesus, this update is city.)



That guy next to the trampoline asks us if we'd like to do this again. Unless I decide I need Frog Coins, I'll be never coming back here. Also, he charges 30 Coins to do it, with ever 100 you get here makes 1 Frog Coin. Sure, I have nearly 600 Coins, but I hate this shit.



We're heading into Tadpole Pond here. This is where Mallow comes from.





Hrm. I don't see a way to get past this.



Hello, what do we have here? It's a cute little baby !



He's so adorable!





Damn straight we did.



: See Mario, the waterways of the world bring news to us here. That's why Grandpa knows all the news that's fit to hear!



Hey everybody! You'll never guess who's here!



Oh, there's a ton of baby !





I smell a challenge!



I like how you can see Mario almost shitting his pants as he flips around.



Wait, are one of you Frogfucius? I was expecting an actual, y'know...Frog.



Is Frogfucius the lake? That's not a frog, either!



Jesus, Mallow, you're like the Rodney Dangerfield of the Mario Universe.





...What the hell?



Look at that bitchin' mustache! Wait, why does he have two shadows?



: You have come to seek wisdom from me, have you not? I've been waiting for you! Yes, "Old Wise People" can often give good advice...

Like, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to"?



Oh, Frogfucius. You're just like the rest of us.







That seems a little cruel, Frogfucius. We can swim, no reason to harm the tadpoles.



...Or they're perfectly willing to let a portly plumber walk all over them. Damn, Frogfucius, that's some clout you hold here.



Oh, Christ, they're letting him jump on them? Those're some tough sunsbitches.



: Let's see... That Smithy character that appeared at Bowser's Keep... He is quite formidable, yes? And, Mario, you wish to rescue the Princess quickly, do you not?

Actually, I came here just to deliver you a pie, Frogfucius. But, hey, I'm not one to turn down free advice.





Mario, appropriately, I think, seems to have a small panic attack.



If you're going to just immediately explain, then why tell him to be patient?



I remember, I was there.



: You heard a loud "crash", and saw a huge sword split the sky!

I remember that, too. It catapulted me about five hundred feet away.



Yeah, kind of like that, but on a much larger scale. These waterways carry pretty specific information. I wonder if they know my waist size.



: The shock sent the three of you flying. Bowser and Toadstool are still lost, somewhere out there. You're worried about the princess, but first you need to take care of Smithy. His underlings are wreaking havoc in our world!

Yeah, I know. I kicked one of their asses already.



I wasn't even near water that time! How the hell did you know that?



: We found a star in the castle at Mushroom Kingdom. Do you know why it was there?



: This may sound illogical, but I believe shooting stars can grant wishes...

Dude, I jumped across a bridge of tadpoles to get here, I'm talking to a frog with a mustache, and I'm traveling with a "tadpole" who looks like a Peep who spent too long in the microwave. You don't know illogical.





Nope!





: I guess Mack was the first of many, Mario. Some of them'll make Bowser seem NICE.





Whoa, Frogfucius, don't force it on the kid. I was just helping him out. He can stay here and complete his transformation into a frog. I'll be fine on my own.



: I'm only a simple tadpole! This adventure isn't for me!



This is it, by the way, folks. The big reveal of Super Mario RPG.







Seriously, guys, are any of you really surprised at Turd Ferguson here not being a cute l'il ?



: When I happened to see a basket floating down from the falls. I peeked inside, and saw a little baby staring right back at me! The name "Mallow" was written on his belt. I felt sorry for the little bundle of puff and took him in to raise as my own grandchild. He had powerful magic, and I knew he was more than a piece of fluff.

You've never seen him get punched in the face, have you?





Mensa material here, folks.





Are you sure? It doesn't look wet enough around here.



: Your real mother and father are out there, somewhere. (Psst, Mario.)



I guess I would miss his thunderbolts. Sure, what the hell.





: Then it is settled. You must embark on your adventure immediately. First, go to "Rose Town" where they need your help. (Snif) It will be quiet around here with Mallow gone.

I got something that will cheer you up, Frogfucius.



I'd suggest Mallow's forgetfulness was genetic, but with the bombshell you two aren't related, I'm going with my original theory that he's just kind of an idiot.



:....Ah, I know! You shall have the staff I used when I was Mallow's age! The "Froggie Stick" will come in handy. Do not forget to equip it.



Considering it gives a TWENTY POINT BOOST TO ATTACK, I sure as hell won't forget to slap this thing on Mallow. For reference's sake, Mallow's Attack is only five points lower than Mario's right now.



Anyways, if we had gone left from the entrance, this spot would have been empty. Instead, there's now two little shops here. This one takes Frog Coins and has some (kinda) cool stuff.



Sleepy Bombs put enemies to sleep, but I've never really played with status effects in this game, but I might give 'em a shot this time around. Bracers increase on ally's defense for the battle, while Energizers do the same for attack. Crystallines do the same for defense, but for the whole party, while Power Blast is the full party counterpart of Energizers.





Sorry, you're limited to this menu if you don't have a current membership card.

He'll sell us a "Froggie Drink", which restores 30 HP to everyone in the party. This shop takes regular Coins, by the by.



I want to be as famous as Toadofsky! My favorite song? It's Frogfucius' suite #18. "So La Mi Re Do Re Do Re". Toadofsky's fond of it, too!

If we head to that right there, we can go visit Toadofsky and make some music (Don't even think that way ), but I'm terrible at music, so we'll return here.



For now, though, we'll just prepare to head to Rose Town.

Next time, we'll see the return of some familiar faces and make it to a brand new city!