Part 32: Update Thirty One: Tee Hee, You're Hurting Me!So, last time on Super Mario RPG, we began our exploration of Nimbus Castle, ganked one of Dodo's feathers, and also heard Mario described as a very Communist sounding motherfucker. Today, we're going to fight a miniboss and that's about it, so let's get this show on the road.
We left off last time in this room. All the people here were pretty cool, especially that guy who gave me a Flower Jar out of nowhere.
I jumped over this guy last time.
It wasn't a truly interesting fight, but I did want to point out that Shamans have a 5% chance to drop Royal Syrups, which restores all FP.
Anyways, the key we picked up from that ex-guard unlocks this door. Some of you might hate what's behind this door. Others of you may just be tickled pink.
grow up to be big and strong!
So, I'm curious, Shy Away. Did you lock yourself in this room with no way to escape, hoping I wouldn't be able to get in? Or did you just happen to be in here, watering an egg, and I just have good timing?
Where the hell did that come from? It gives me the creeps.
Son of a bitch.
Well, sure, I guess. What's the worst that can happen?
Well, it's polite, whatever the hell it is.
So, meet Shelly. 500 HP. 80 Defense. That's it. This is one of those fights that starts with us having to actually get to the boss.
Every time you hit it, the shell gets a crack in it. Further hits widen the crack.
There's nothing really interesting about this part. But, I do like how the egg cracks.
After beating on it enough, this happens. Birdo here is the real fight.
And that's all the introduction we get for...Her? It? Birdo's a tranny in Japan, right? But a girl in America, yeah? Or something like that, right?
Ah, hell, Google, give me the answer.
The original manual for Super Mario Bros. 2 asserts that Birdo is a boy who believes that he is a girl, and would rather be referred to as "Birdetta". Later releases of Super Mario Bros. 2 lacked any mention of her gender in either the game or the manual. Nintendo eventually established Birdo as female, first in Mario Tennis which depicted Birdo and Yoshi as boyfriend and girlfriend. However, several games portray her as male, such as Captain Rainbow, or refer to the gender confusion without assigning one, such as in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It has been suggested that Birdo is a post-op transsexual by transsexual video game developer Jennifer Reitz, while Wired editor Chris Kohler felt that it was a way of retconning her transgender status.
Also, since I'm a fucking idiot, I had also done a GIS search.
I hate myself.
To get back on track, Birdo is actually a kind of interesting boss fight. She's got 777 HP, with 130 Defense and 160 Attack. She's slow as shit and her Magic Defense is insane, too. She's also immune to Fire.
This is her basic attack, as I'm sure all of you know. Mario has the highest Defense in this party.
Birdo hits like a fucking truck. Had I kept the Work Pants, this would have done a bit more damage, but I would have been dealing more, so I could have escaped with less damage done to me. But, I think it was time to let those sweaty pants go.
After dealing enough damage to her, we receive a few messages.
Quickly, read this last screenshot, then scroll back up to that Valentine's Card.
It's okay to hate me now. I hate me right now.
I'm showing this off for one very specific reason: I forgot Therapy exists as a spell. Am I the only one who does this?
You might be wondering why I'm going to defend here. Birdo's got a gimmick, one that is actually kind of cool. It's entirely possible to just brute force straight through her gimmick, but I decided to indulge this time just for you guys.
Birdo will now fire just one egg, which hurts a lot fucking more and, if you defend, can be bounced back at her.
Eggbert only has 10 HP. And 210 Attack. Looking at the script in the Super Mario RPG editor, I don't think it has any attacks.
Whack it, however, and it will attack.
Not us, though. It hits Birdo for a nice amount of damage. I think that's how you're supposed to win the fight, but I always just tanked the eggs and 'd her to death.
After a few more Eggberts and some regular attacks, Birdo gives us some more dialog.
And with that, this fight is over. I like the Birdo boss fight, as it can be difficult if you're not expecting her massive damage output.
Though, I will say, the rewards are lackluster. 20 experience isn't really very much, especially considering I can get more from a regular encounter.
I don't know why the egg is reformed now. Laziness? Or does Birdo have secret, egg-cocoon powers? Either way, she gives us Castle Key 2.
I never will, Birdo. I never will.
Can't reach the Shy Away, though. She's just out of reach.
Going through that door, we're brought back to this room that had the Flower in the chest.
That Pinwheel is dastardly. Step in front of it and it blows you off the edge. To get past, you have to fight it. The fight is just a single Pinwheel, so it's a distraction, at best.
And then this Jawful is blocking the path to the next room.
However, it gets Mario to level 24, and a +2 bonus to Attack!
This next room, we're greeted by that door, which is locked, and there's a note.
Planned on it, Mallow.
Y'know, Mallow, Valentina could very well already have killed your parents and thrown them off the city. I mean, we're up in a cloud. Getting away with murder up here has to be much simpler.
Oh, my hero!
For further evidence as to why Bowser is the best character, refer to this.
You gotta love a guy who's willing to break into a king's room, even though that king is possibly sick and dying.
You made Bowser cry, you son of a bitch!
Y'know, I just don't feel right transcribing Bowser's dialog. Is that weird?
The Shy Away freezes when she sees us. It's nice to see someone properly terrified of us.
She flies away and we give chase. It sounded like she was going to Valentina.
Hmm. A Heavy Troopa for security. They should have found a way to make Culex their door guard.
But, Mallow hit level 24 after the fight. His +3 to Attack will do nicely.
Garro must have become very rich thanks to Valentina. I think I've seen seven of her statues around. God knows only how many she has in storage.
Kind of like a Mariotta.
mean looking legs...!
Dammit, Garro, you and your excellent skills with lying to women!
Screaming, running in circles, and fleeing like terrified schoolchildren is an acceptable answer.
And Valentina with the
If we let Bowser have his way, this problem would be solved already.
Hey, Dodo, what's it like being the only observant chucklefuck in the room?
I'm surprised she didn't react more to Dodo shoving his beak into her spleen.
Hi, everybody. How nice of you all to notice.
Mallow bravely charges all three of 'em. I'm willing to bet he could take all three of 'em.
And he promptly fucks it up. Slick as snot and I ain't lyin'.
Mario, as you already know. And this is Mallow.
Valentina seems oddly unconcerned that the true prince has shown up.
Mallow...I'm willing to count that as an
I think I still have the Troopa Shell in my inventory, Mario. You could probably just trip her on her way down the hall.
I like these two just stare, dumbfounded.
Sharp as a tack, Shy Away.
Dodo. Don't you think you should follow?
Sure, flap your wings and act big. That's how bird try to intimidate other animals, right? Or are they the ones who inflate their throat sac...
We best not delay, then.
Since this update is long enough, we're just going to hit the save point in the corner.
Next time, we'll finish off the castle. There's a long gauntlet of enemies coming up, topped off with, possibly, my favorite boss fight in the game. So, stay tuned!