Part 36: Update Thirty Five: Blue Balls GoneLast time on Super Mario RPG, we beat up a Prime Minister Wyrm, and were going to collect our sixth Star Piece. So, let's get this show on the road.
Ah, yes, there we go.
Oh, you fuck!
This one looks like the smart, egotistical guy! He's even more of an asshole!
Be cautious, he's not just fat! He's the tough one!
Holy crap, it's the token female teammate!
Whoa, everybody, step the fuck back; I just found the cool one. Look at those shades!
After that wonderful intro, they just run off. Seriously, if Red there had just swiped the Star Piece and fled to begin with, they would have beaten us here. And probably been one of the most competent video game villains of all time.
But, no time to speculate! We must give chase!
Hey, fuck the both of you!
Oh, Fatty's not just the tough one! He's also dumb!
It seems like Green and Tons of Fun there hate each other, but I bet they're secretly best friends and shit.
I don't think I want to fight these guys anymore.
They all flit away like that, which kind of disappoints me. I was kind of hoping they'd each have a unique color for their super-speed escape.
As we chase them through the volcano, we catch glimpses of them running away, Star Piece in tow.
This one was Axem Black.
This path is friggin' huge and very vertical.
Last room, here. We can kind of see them running through the exit.
Son of a bitch, volcano top showdown. Now, show of hands; who loves this game?
That's right. All of you raise your hands.
Psh, whatever. I'll kick your asses, then beat this Blade's ass, too.
See, Axem Green knows! He seems like the smart one here.
Every time, after this line, I just wish Red would continue on to say, "Go play in traffic or somethin', would you?"
Eh? What's that over there?
Mario is a better hero than I. If it were me, I would have just headed back into the volcano.
But, since he's courageous, it's battle time.
They all say a line and strike a pose. Team Rocket would be proud.
As would the Ginyu Force, I imagine.
"The Saints of Los Angeles!"
Oh. My bad.
Geno doesn't take kindly to them words, Red.
He Boosts the King Koopa.
Axem Black is fairly quick, and attacks with bombs and his axe.
He didn't have a multi-target attack or anything that has two parts; he's just fast enough he went twice in a row.
Pink here holds a bunch of healing magic.
So, we'll start our slaughter with her.
Oh, and I mention she only has 400 HP? She doesn't take shit from magic, really, but Bowser here doesn't screw around with that stuff. She is weak to Fire, though.
All the Axem Rangers' been hit animation is to fly back like this. It just looks best when Mario does it.
That's one down.
After their inevitable defeat, they each have an excuse/complaint.
Red doesn't give a shit, though.
Axem Yellow has this loogie attack. He's a fat turd, what do you expect?
Green is just an asshole. He has plenty of full-party attacks and can mute characters.
Geno continues the trend here, which if you're not as overlevelled as I am, Geno Boost is invaluable in this fight.
These guys can be huge assholes, as they're fairly tough, plus they outnumber you by two.
450 HP at max, shit Defense. Green falls just as easily as Pink did. He's got Solidfy and Meteor Blast for his other full-party attacks. Ice will wreck his day, though.
Considering you just had a fist the size of your entire body hit you, I'm surprised you got off so easily.
Red's kind of an asshole. I like it.
He's also got Vigor Up, which I'm sure is supposed to intimidate me.
Axem Yellow is next on my shit-list; he's got 600 HP, the second highest here, and the highest Defense.
All that blubber is good for something, I guess.
He has a counter, though, for whenever you hit him with a physical.
I'm sure this is supposed to dissuade you from physically attacking him, since he's got some power behind his attacks, not to mention his Magic Defense is total shit.
I'm not sure here if Mario ran up to hit him, or if the gravitational pull got a hold of him and he just made the best of it.
Geno finishes this with a wave of bullets.
Yellow here nets my second-favorite response from Red.
I don't know why it amuses me so.
Black's next, as he's fast enough to be a nuisance. He's also fairly strong and nearly as defensive as Yellow was. His Magic Defense is shit, though, and if I had brought Mallow, I may have been able to one-shot him, since he's weak to Thunder.
However, all of them are weak to being punched, shot, and spiked in the face.
As you can see here.
And now for my favorite response:
It's just so full of assholery.
Red is the final Ranger to fall.
He's got 800 HP, the highest here, with excellent Attack and Defense. He's weak to Ice, as well, and immune to fire.
However, like the others, he falls quickly.
Oh, Lawd, I'm so scared!
Uh-huh. You guys better bust out your big guns, kids, since you don't have a snowball's chance in hell otherwise.
I would never name my formation that. It sounds like their going to try and defeat us with the dangers of syphilis and herpes.
Red leaps off the top of the screen here as that thing in the back seems to activate.
...Is that thing a cannon?
That doesn't sound good.
That sounds fairly bad, as well.
Huh, that was a little lackluster.
I'm starting to get over the Megalixer Effect that Final Fantasy games have drilled into me; I didn't even give a shit about using this.
Weak to Thunder, with 999 HP. 200 Speed, lots of Magic Attack, and plenty of Defense.
Recharge faster, Rangers. I see no reason to be concerned here.
Okay, I cut out like, two attacks. Either way, am I allowed to put on my face now?
Uh-huh. I guess I hit harder than invincibility.
The cannon sinks down, as if it were ashamed of the Axem Ranger's performance.
The cannon fades away, never to be heard from again.
Oh, honey, it just did.
Normally, I'd complain about the lack of rewards, but I just made the Axem Rangers my bitch. Usually, they're a fairly tough fight, as they can hit hard, there's five of them, with a wide variety of magic and physicals. If you're not prepared, they can easily kick your ass. I'd recommend bringing Toadstool and Mallow to this fight, personally, as Mallow can hit two-thirds of the weaknesses here, and Toadstool will keep your asses alive.
Mario leaps back down to the volcano, as the Blade begins to sink and explode.
Eh? What's that?
Excellent! We destroyed a warship, crushed some elite troops, and recovered the Star Piece!
Excellent question, mysterious voice.
And one we'll find the answer to next time. For now, we're taking a break. Stay tuned to see where that last damned Star Piece is!
To Hell With 'Em
Mario has the Attack Scarf; Geno gets the Super Suit and Quartz Charm, while Bowser is wearing my Troopa Pin.