Part 6: Fetchfucks

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Fetchfucks

Last time we expanded our team, pretended to be a reporter and sent a guy into the past. Or to his death, who knows?

This time we make our first major move against the Ratskull gang. Let's rob their weapons depot.


The map we enter is pretty big and a bit unique as it is one of the greenest spots we will see.

That sweet depot is all the way in the north.

On our way we pass by Bowie Village.

It's pretty large but I don't care for NPC's right now. It's the guns that call to me.

We have to take a pretty long hike.

On the way we come up to a farm area. There's cows, pastures and some housing for workers. Also that totally is a crashed airplane.

As we close in on the depot, a stinking farmer pipes up.
:"I wouldn't go any further if I was you. Not unless you want your entrails splattered in all directions. *Spit*"
Hello, Charles Bronson.

:"Thanks for the tip. What's so dangerous around here then?"

:"*Spit* What's so dangerous around here? Fellas like you won't survive long in a place like this. So you might just as well walk straight into the mines over there. *Spit*"

:"Landmines?! Goddam!"

:"Well, you look mighty foolish now, don't ya, heh? *Spit*"

:"You know why these mines have been laid here?"

:"*Spit* It's quite simple. The mines form a ring around the depot, for protection. Way I see it, no one gets in there in one piece. Unless they know where the things are buried."

:"What kind of people are using that depot?"

:"What sort of people they are? It's that Ratskull Gang. Rabble. Thieves and murderers! *Spit*"

:"You seem to have a problem with them."

:"You can say that again! *Spit* First they threw them mines down all over the place and then they went and stole my tractor. It's worth ten of them cows! But one day I'll catch me one of them bastards."

:"So why don't you go and get it back?"

:"Me against a ring of mines and the Ratskulls? That'd be a real fair fight."

:"I know how you can get your tractor back..."

:"Carry on talking then. *Spit*"

:"You will have to sacrifice a couple of your cows.."

:"Sacrifice my cows, eh? You intend to chase them through the minefield?"

:"Yeah. We send the cattle in and explode some mines. The Ratskulls will think the dumb cows got lost, and we can stroll right in."
I like that idea.

:"The poor critters.. But I do need my tractor. What do we do with the jackasses in there? They got guns.*Spit*"

:"Let me deal with that."

:"*Spit* Well, I just want my tractor back. If you can get that, I'll go along. I reckon we need about three or four cows."

:"Ok, then go get them."

Squad "Forlorn Hope" assembled.


:"What's the best way to herd them into the minefield?"

:"Quite simple. *Spit* I shoo them in the direction of the mines until they go boom."

:"Ask a stupid question!"

:"So long, girls! Yeehaa! Go on! Move it!"

A murder of cows.
Never forget those brave souls.

The path is not very wide, so it's a good idea to walk one by one. Also our cow commando splattered meat chunks everywhere, we pick those up later.

War. War never changes.

It knows what we did.

Immediately after we cross the field, the meager base defense is on our ass.



That wasn't hard at all.

When we set foot into the compound, cutscene!
:"The bunker door is closed tight. Obviously locked from inside."



:"Respect, respect! *Spit* You sorted them out good and proper."

:"It isn't over yet. A couple of them sneaked into the bunker. They ain't gonna come out themselves, so I guess we have to blow it up."
Great idea.

:"*Spit* A bit of C4 should do it."

:"Any idea where I could get some?"

:"You could ask Donald. That madman is constantly blowing holes into the cliff side. You'll find him in the village. I'll just get my tractor now."

Well, we have some explosives in our pocket but I want all the quest Xp so let's do it proper. I give the area a quick sweep but only find some 9mm ammo and some cheap guns. What kind of depot is this?
On my way to the village I grab all the meat chunks that popped out of the cows. Also Milton can skin and gut the corpses for more meat and hides. I think it's the proper way to honour their sacrifice.

As I walk through the village, something catches my eye.


:"That...must be the body of a mutant. The fella's enormous. Must be all of eight feet. And he's got grey skin and white hair."

We ask the guy next to it for some info.
:"Yeah you're not the first one to ask about it. It's a mutant. The guys call themselves "Shadows". Never seen one before, and now they're appearing in this neighborhood. Look freaky don't they? Well this one ain't gonna do no more harm. He was creeping around the village and right into my bear trap."

So, this is our first glimpse at the mutants in this game. We'll see a whole lot of them later.

After a short walk we find Donald.

Looks like he has a proper mining operation going here.

:"Hello, my friend! You're on the way to see me?"

:"That depends on who you are. I'm looking for a Donald, and some explosives."

:"Well, you are in real luck! Before you stands Donald, the only man with explosives in the region, And if I wasn't just on my way to hunting, why damnit, I'd only be too pleased to help out! But you got to excuse me, friend. After all, I have three hungry mouths to feed."
Nah, you can stay a moment.

:"What are those strange-looking holes in the rock face?"

:"Those aren't holes, those are comfortable alternative living quarters! We are developing an exclusive residential area here with the best high level locations!"

:"Who'd be crazy enough to move into a hole in the rock face?"

:"Crazy? I fear you don't appreciate the advantages, my friend. A solid structure, protection from storms, top location, fantastic view, and for a little extra, you get a patio. Where can you still buy something like that today?"

:"So, where are the people who live in your residences?"

:"A person has to think long term. It's no secret that us real estate agents are currently going through a period of low demand caused be the present economic situation. But as soon as the economy picks up again, the demand for luxury apartments will begin to rise as well."

:"Aha. So if I understand you correctly, no one wants to live in your caves."

:"Sure! Bears do!!..Just a little joke. Don't worry about my apartments, my friend. They will soon be sold out, that's for sure!"
Your ideas are stupid. And so are you.

:"I really need some C4. Have you got any?"

:"C4? Yeah, sure I got a whole lot. After all, that's what I use in the quarry all the time."

:"Can I have some?"

:"Oh, I don't see as how I can do that. How'd you think it would look if I gave everyone explosive who just happened to come strolling by?"
And so it begins...

:"I wasn't exactly strolling by. I'm from the new government and I have some very good reasons for asking about C4."

:"New government? Never heard of that."
This whole map is pretty much a giant fetchquest, so strap in for that hot dialogue action.

:"How about if I did your hunting for you?"

:"Aaahh! And you would want some C4 in return?"

:"I appreciate someone who catches on fast."

:"Hmm..I guess we can make a deal. I don't feel like hunting today anyway. It's too hot. What do you intend to do with the C4 exactly?"

:"That's my business."


Oh you motherfucker!

You get no more clues as to where to find the Bison. But if you roam around the farm area you can find a dead one. Take that as a hint to that there is a live one around.

Let's give the noble beast the fighting chance it deserves.

Cabelas big game hunter 2083.

We hightail it back to Donald and use our slick talk.
:"I only managed to get some bison meat but it should be enough. Don't you agree?"

:"Just because it's you..I never thought I'd be able to give my kids something like this to eat. Nice work, friend. Thank you on behalf of my six hungry kids."

:"The more often we talk, the more kids you seem to have."

:"Really? Huh, my wife can't say stop when it comes to having kids. Every time I turn around another one comes crawling along."

We're done with him. Hunting that tiger is kind of a pain, so I'll leave it for the round-up. Also shouldn't it be a mountain lion?

Let's pick up more awesome fetch quests!

In the middle of the village I trigger a cutscene.
:"Hash anybody godda boddle I can take a shwig ouda? Eysh god no mer left."

:"That ain't too surprising, you stinking rat! But this time you're outa luck. No one's got no more booze."

:"My reserves are almost used up too. Why is nobody distilling new stuff?"

:"Very funny, man! Why don't you ask our village chief what's up with that."

:"Ish der schom short of bpoblem wid de dishti... dischtil ...liqour making mashhineree?"



Well, we can't let a village of drunks go into cold turkey. That village chief is just around the corner.
:"What's with the rumors about the village liqour supply drying up? And even if it's true, are you guys really addicted to the stuff?"

:"Now everyone's gonna find out about it. I had hoped to find a way to restore schnapps deliveries to the village before somebody knew about it."



:"What d'you mean, you can't get near the distillery? Maybe we can help."

:"You? Well how knows..The Ratskulls have taken it over. Whenever we want a few bottles we have to bring them supplies - or our women."
Going down the rabbithole..

:"I already made the Ratskulls acquaintance. I'll help you."

Yeah, but before we do that there is even more fetchquests to pick up. Let's talk to a random women.


:"Hey, Choker! You look a little pale. Lay off the drugs, they ain't doing you no good."
You can be so stupid, Seagull.

:"If I didn't know I was going to die soon, I'd give you a good whack for that talk!"

:"Dead soon? Are you ill?"

:"No I'm not ill. It's because of my husband. When he finds out that I let that damned lizard get away, he's gonna beat me black and blue. Or worse... That critter should have been his meal."
Yep, domestic violence. Still a thing after the apocalypse.

:"You shouldn't have let the little beast escape."
Seagull - Still dumb.

:"I can do without that sort of advice thanks! Couldn't you go and tell him about it? He sure wouldn't be so mad at you, or you could at least calm him down a little."

:"I'm not sure I'd really have such a soothing effect on your husband...But I could try."

:"Oh thank you so much! My husband's name is Gonzo. He works the fields out to the west."

Right after this exchange, I look for another NPC in town and through cosmic irony I get this line.

What the hell, game?

In any case, there is one last quest to pick up here. A woman is crying in the center of town, but we can't talk to her directly. We need to find another NPC in town before that. Game design!

:"...it's so terrible, so horrible! the poor little things..."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!

:"What's happened?"

:"Something terrible! Little Mia and Pia have disappeared. Just gone like that. It's awful!"

:"Who are Mia and Pia?"

:"Ask Luisa, their mother. Oh...the poor little things."

Dashing over to her...
:"Hey! You Luisa?"

:"Yes, I am."

:"I heard from a villager that your kids have gone missing. I could help to find them. Of course, you have to offer me a favor in return."
This line is really suggestive. But the original line makes it more clear that we ask for a material reward. We could also help her out of kindness, but I like rewards.

:"I'll give you everything I own. Just bring my kids back."

:"Where did you last see them?"

:"They.. they were playing in the woods, next to the village. I told them not to, because of the wolves, but..."

:"I'll see if I can find your kids. Try to calm down while I'm out."

Weee! Now we have lots of fetchquests in our journal.

We find Gonzo in the field next to the village.

He's pretty vocal about his mood.

:"Gonzo, old pal! How's it going? Your wife send me."

:"My wife? Where is the silly cow? She shoulda been here hours ago. I'm damned hungry!"

:"That's the reason for my visit. Your dinner ran away. You'd best eat a couple of those potatoes of yours."

:"Ran away?! That dumb bitch! Wait till I get home, she will get a beating she won't forget in a hurry. I'LL KILL HER!"

:"Hey! Not so hasty! You are not going to get all worked up over some stupid lizard. Talk to her about it and build a cage for your next meal, or something."
Seagull: Expert social worker.

:"Shut it! This is something between me and this brainless slut! The stupid cow's gonna get a bullet in that empty head of hers! But why stop there, I'm gonna fill you with lead too!"

Wrong move, boyo.

I take one point of face damage and obliterate him with a single burst.

:"I see it as a tragic working accident."
The wife has some more lines, but it's not really important and will go into the round-up.

Now let's take care of them youngins. But on the way I spot a lone hut at the edge of the woods.


:"What do you want?! Thieving, beating, murdering?"
Well, if you're offering...

:"Calm down. What is there to steal here anyway? And beating you up would be a short pleasure."

:"You talk too much. At my age you don't have much time. But perhaps you can do something for me."
Yay!

:"Why should I do anything for you?"


I could use my speech skill, but it is too low right now. Just three damn points too low.

:"I could sure use a sniper rifle. Ok let's not beat around the bush, I'll get you that battery. But if you don't hand over the rifle there's gonna be trouble, understand?"

While looking for the kids, three wolfs attack me but are turned into meat and parts in a matter of seconds.

There are the brats. They also have dialogue but it's not that interesting and goes into the round-up.

We leg it back to the village, with kids in tow.
:"Thank you a thousand times! You brought my children back. I nearly died of worry. I don't have much, but you can take what you want in return."
Reward time!

:"Doesn't seem to be anything here that I could use."
What?

:"I'm sorry...No price would be high enough for what you did for me. Please believe me."
Gimme your shoes! I can sell those.

:"It's Ok. Well, I'd better by going. Bye!"
Fuck!

At least Seagull get's a level. He reaches a new talent and I decide to give him "Entertain". This allows him to entertain non-hostile NPC's. The game will play a little circus sound clip, but I like to think that he found a horrible joke book from before the catastrophe. This skill is really broken and OCD poison.
Consider this: You can entertain ANY friendly NPC once. How many have we seen so far?
You'll get an item for it each time. The range includes mostly trash, but also drugs, crafting parts and some really good ammo, like .50 Bmg. You can even savescum the item spawns.

I'll use it on as many people as I can find. But I won't go all crazy and report my haul in some of the round-ups.

While in the village we pick up the car battery.
:"Are you McKanzee?"
No, it's DeForest Kelley

:"Who wants to know?"

:"I'm just on the lookout for a car battery."

:"I have actually got a battery. But you have to put some serious money on the table for it."

:"It's not for me, it's for someone I know. You better fix the price with him."

:"Someone from around here?"

:"Yeah, the old Hermit who lives up north."

:"What?! That old scarecrow sent you here? That son of a bitch got nerves."

:"You are obviously old buddies."

:"That scumbag borrowed my only rifle a few years back. He claims he lost it while fleeing from a bear. Of course the old coot is lying. I still hear him firing that thing off today."
Oh..

:"A few years ago? You don't hold grudges, do you? Anyway, back to business, what do you want for the battery?"

:"No idea. Drinking water wouldn't be bad. For weeks now I have been drinking the bracken water around here. Yeah that's good. I'd want at least three skins for the battery."
We have enough skins to pay that.

:"Let me see...Three skins, that's correct. Ok, here's the battery. And tell the old bastard he should at least come around with some meat, when he goes hunting with my rifle."

Ugh, it's getting taxing at this point. So let's get to finishing this damn area.

We trek up to the distillery, and drop by the Hermit on the way.
:"You got the battery? That scumbag would never have given it to me."

:"Yeah, because you stole his rifle."

:"That dumb old fella can't shoot anyway. Such a rifle is too good for the likes of him. But it ain't important anymore. Now, let me introduce you to my "Rosie". She's over there in that crate."

:"Rosie? Leave your old lady where she is and just hand over the rifle!"
At this point, it's not even funny anymore, Seagull.

:"Idiot! I call my gun "Rosie". Or'd you think my wife would be lying over there in that box? That'd be too good for the old tramp, she's buried in the yard. Now beat it, I got a battery to install."
Everyone hates their wife around here. Except Donald, but fuck that guy.

For our troubles we get a Dragunov SVD sniper rifle! It's a pretty sweet gun but the ammo is really rare. So it'll be stashed for a special occasion.

We hike through the woods and up to the distillery.

Great tactics team!

:"Gimme da boddel. *hick* Shish shtuff ish really good!"

:"You have had enough, old girl! If the boss catches you, you'll be short of a head!"

:"With an ugly mug like that, it wouldn't be no loss. The old hags in the village are more of a turn-on."

:"You are jusht shulking, *hick*, cosh I won' le' yer have yer way wi' me."

:"Pffaw..Breathe on someone else, you smell like a sewer!"

"We shoulda paid more attention, the old cow is completely sozzled. If the villagers start making trouble, there's only us two to deal with it."

:"I can shtill fight! *hick* Shdrunk enuff target water, he he! Hia, try shome!"


Best idea ever.

They won't attack outright so I position my crew a little before starting the conversation.


:"Or you tell a couple of your womenfolk to drop by. We also accept services in exchange for the stuff, hee hee."
Back into the rabbit hole.

:"I wouldn't mind some of that liqour. What's the going price?"

:"Show us what you got. If you got anything useful, I will tell you what you can have for it."

:"Or you rustle us up a whore from somewhere, one who likes it rough. That's what I like. Don't mind a fella either, if that's all there is."
And there we are.

:"Shut up, Rico! One day I'm gonna cut off...ah, forget it! - Ok, so whadda you got to offer?"

:"Nothing."

:"Nothing? What d'you want here then?"

:"I see it like this: I give you nothing, you give me all the booze and get the hell outa here and back to the stinking hole you crawled out of."


:"You son of a..."

As there are only three people, I kill them where they stand.

Almost instantly.

Back to the village again, weee!
:"Hey! The distillery belongs to you again."

:"Thanks! You really saved my ass there."

:"No problem. Take care of your people, and see to it that they don't drink their last bit of brain into a pulp."

:"Heh, I can't guarantee for that. Recently we got some guns from a Seeker. They're back there in that crate. You can take em, maybe they'll help you."
All the guns are crap.

Whelp, we're finally done with all that bullshit. This map really can be a drag with the zig-zag.

To raise your spirits again, I rob the village. It's pretty big and has a lot of containers hidden around. Aside from junk and some armor pieces we also find a M4A1 assault rifle and a P-90 smg. Both are sweet guns but ammo is always the problem.

Now let's blow that bunker!


The Ratskulls come out carefully and the leader walks up to us.

I really like that screen. The sun creates a cool effect.

:"Ok ok..Don't shoot! I suggest we all calm down. We just want to get out of here. You can have all the stuff in the bunker."

:"Why should I let you go?"

:"Why you ought to let us go? I..Eee...Well, because..Hmm.."

:"I'm going to take the stuff anyway. And now die!"

No mercy

After the dust has settled we loot that sweet bunker. I find another M4 with some rounds, a next tier armor, some 9mm guns with a stash of ammo and some bullets for the P-90 and the SVD. Nice haul!
Butch, Ivana and Milton leveled up. I mostly pump stats but Butch get's the "Steady shot" talent. It's great because now any shot will have the accuracy of being prone, regardless of stance.

But there is also a special box around.
:"That's a special lock. Whatever's in there, someone didn't want anyone else to get it. I need a specialist to get it open."
RETURN OF THE FETCHQUEST

After this a new person appears in the farm area. At least he has a white marker.
:"I'm Luke the Locksmith. What can I do for you?"
Luke the Locksmith? Really?

:"I need somebody to crack a really tough lock. You interested?"

:"Difficult locks are my specialty! What can you offer me for my services?"
Nothing, because I'm tired and have a speech skill.

:"If you crack the lock, I'll tell everyone I meet what a great locksmith you are. That should be good for business."

:"Hmm.. You do look like you get around quite a bit...Ok, I'll do it."

Back to the bunker. Seagull is also clever for once, and warns Luke about the mines on the way.
:"Ah, that's it? Let me have a look..Hey that is a weird lock, a real challenge!"

:"Can you get it open?"

:"Yeah, but I need a special lockpick. Our smith in the village has one. Tell him I send you, he knows what I need."

Back to the village!
:"I'm under stress. Is it something important?"

:"I need a special lockpick from you. Luke said you'd know what it means."

:"Sure I know. Give me half a gallon of water and I'll lend it to you."
NO!

:"You could just lend it to me. After all I'm fighting the Ratskulls. You'll get it back, I promise."

:"Well...Ok, it's a deal. You won't be able to use it anyway and Luke will bring it back later. Here, take it."

Back to the bunker! _{fucketyfuckfuck}
:"Here's the special lockpick. I sure hope you can get the box open."

:"Sure I can. Give me a moment...it's quite tricky...Hah, it's open!"

Luke celebrates a moment and then bails back to the village.

In that chest we find a HK Ump and some special ammo for it. Also the diary of a Ratskull?

This adds a new location to our map. So it was kind of worth it. I guess.

But suddenly I hear an explosion.

Nooooo! Luke, I warned you. I warned you!

To pay my respects I loot that lockpick and a pistol from his stiff corpse.

Now we are officially done with all the bullshit. All of it. Done. We deserve something nice, don't you think?

First, I loot the farm area. I find mostly minor stuff but also some really nice SVD rounds and some other types of ammo.
I hightail it back to the village and now you should brace yourself..

Behold!

All hail the mighty lootpile.

Oh, you think that is not very impressive, do you?

Think again.

The game actually couldn't display all the items I had lying there. Granted, there are a couple of things there from the previous maps, but we still got a shit ton of things to trade.

And the trader has really good stuff for a change.


So, fun fact: I kind of forgot how powerful that +20% trade talent is. I can trade at equal value now and Seagull has not maxed speech yet. We'll fleece traders good from here on out.

I grab whatever I like, and even have to travel back to New Safford to clear out all my junk. The whole process was quite lengthy but I got pretty lucky with the following spawns. That made it all better!

You're ready for the sweet stuff?

First, let Seagull show the new armor.

I really like that professional soldier look, though they could have made it more worn. The steel helmet even has a little radio&display thingy.

Marvel at our inventory!


Seagull got pretty lucky and picked up M46 gloves. That's endgame armor and how many pieces you will find is random. So I'm very happy about this. The rest of his inventory is crafting stuff.

Agnes got some Dt21 gloves. They are one tier below M46 and a bit more common. Still really nice. Also she picked up an Mp5 to actually help out in combat.

Victor got another suit of armor and inherited Ivana's rifle. But he won't use it for long if I can help it. He still has our ever-growing drug stash and the lockpick. Which is funny because he has "Crime" as his life experience.

Butch grabbed the M4 and holds our guns and a stash of 9mm. That weird looking green pistol is a fantasy gun with an insane rate of fire. But it's very inaccurate and not that good.

Ivana also got some Dt21 gloves and switched to an SKS rifle. She even has a tiny bit of familiarity with those. I stashed the ammo on her. Of note is the box with the blue lid. That's 9mm subsonic, which is needed to make silenced guns actually silent. Also check those sexy 15 rounds for the SVD, I sure hope I can grab more.

Milton picked the HK Ump and is happy about it. He holds our meat stash and two medium medkits. They're pretty good but we want to save em for later.

I really feel better about that horrible map now.

Check out our crew!

They almost look competent, almost.

Next time: Killing hobos and looking for clues.

Voting time

As we now have some new guns, please suggest a name for Agnes and Ivana. You can also drop a pitch for Milton but he might not be around much longer. The couple of early votes have been kind of clear.

Authors note
This is by far the worst map in the game. It really feels like it was done by a special person that didn't got to design any other maps. Thankfully. It has some good parts, but that giant fetch train is awful. You might understand why I didn't want to split this. There is another interesting thing about the map but I'll discuss that later.
Toodles!