Part 19: Silver Tongue
Jan 10, 2008
Oh lord my head. I am never drinking that godawful green ooze again, and let us never speak of that fateful evening ever again.
Alright, what the fuck was I supposed to be doing.
Fuck, now I remember. I have to acquire some credit, to buy the ship from stan, to get to monkey island to save the hot governor who LeChuck kidnapped disguised as the sheriff who ate the cat that scared the rat that lived in the house that Guybrush built.
It's all so complicated... I just wanted to be a pirate, loot, pillage, sack, plunder some voluptuous wenches.
I'm interested in procuring a note of credit.
You are, are you? Got a job?
Yes, of course i do.
All right. I'll get one of my notes and we'll fill it out.
Is he going to open the combination... right in front of me?
What an interesting counter, I could look at this counter all day, yep, yessir.
Left left left left. Right. Left left left left. Right right. Got it.
Alright, old man, I'm in no mood for your bullshit, lay some credit on me.
What did you say your occupation was?
I'm a grog-swilling, foul-smelling pirate.
But a pirate? Don't make me laugh.
Great, I've been beaten, insulted, fired out of a cannon into a post, thrown down a flight of stairs, mauled by a rabid yak, thrown into a lake tied to a block of solid crap i spent days casing the joint for, forcibly penetrated by fucking acrobatic clowns, screwed out of sexing the governor by a fucking ghost pirate dressed as a bald man, and now this dickwad is giving me shit.
What do I want? Well, what I'd quite like is to take this chicken here, and shove...
...And then the elephants will ride in on the unicycles and you won't know what the fuck until the screaming starts...
...until the bleeding finally, finally stops. How's that for what I want, motherfucker.
But instead, I think i'll just take your shit.
I'm looking for the swordmaster of Melée Island.
Look I told you she doesn't want to see you.
Maybe if you asked her again.
I guess I could hike all the way over there. AGAIN.
Ehehe, time to steal an old man's savings. I feel better already.
Okay, let's see, pull four times.
Push once, pull four more times, push twice.
What could possibly be stockpiled in here? Tens of thousands of pieces of eight, retirement funds, spectacular island paradise tickets? We are so getting that rotating ballroom.
...
This island sucks.
Okay, we have the credit, but we abandoned poor Stan to go get shitfaced. Maybe if we beg him, he'll give us another chance...
Stan said that the ships could go at any moment. We better hurry, and maybe if we pray real hard, there'll be something left for us to buy.
I knew you'd come back! Everybody does! You know WHY they come back?
I've got something for everyone! Come take a look around!
So what can I show you?
Alright, that second pool would be nice, but Tshirts and chickens aren't going to pay for all that crap, we're on a bit of a budget here.
I really don't have that much to spend.
Have no fear! Every ship I sell is a bargain! But if you're looking for a real steal... I've got JUST the boat for you! Walk this way.
His arms are STILL GOING.
The only ship to make it to Monkey Island... and come back with anyone on board alive. Or, should I say, anyTHING. You see, the two previous owners of this ship were two adventurous pirates. They set off, like many before to find the legendary Secret of Monkey Island! And, like many before, they disappeared forever. Their fate-- a mystery. Almost as mysterious as how this ship returned to Melee Island without a single human aboard.
Mysterious disappearances? Very used? Monkeys? I am so there.
Anyway, this baby's mine now. That is, until someone makes me an offer... What kind of price range were you thinking of?
I uh... acquired this here credit... legitimately... through the proper channels... without stealing...
I got credit from the storekeeper, will you take it?
Hey, of course! Your credit's always good at Stans!
I mean, who am I to judge right? If the storekeeper trusts you enough to give you a letter of credit...
*cough*
Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? I know you want it... You know you want it... And I know that you know that I want to sell it, so...
Alright, time to get my haggle on. It's smooth talking son of a bitch Guybrush go time.
Well, what do you think it's worth?
You're staring on ten thousand are you, oh you foolish salesman. Right we have 5000 to spend, better start working the magic.
I'd like to make you an offer.
Great! How much?
I know how this works, you go low, and they give you the product and/or service. I saw it in that movie that one time. It can't fail!
I'd like to pay 2000 pieces of eight.
I guess we can start out at the bottom. I got all day.
And Guybrush takes dominance! The crowd goes wild!
Oh yes, throw in one of those physics defying suits and you've got yourself a deal sir.
Well, what do you think it's worth?
You could sail this puppy away TODAY for just 10000 pieces of eight.
Wait a minute! That did nothing! Alright, let's see if we can jettison some of the excess crap to get the price down. Fancy recreational facilities, navigational equipment, hulls, that sort of thing.
Let's talk extras.
Extras? You want to talk extras? Great! This baby's LOADED with extras! For instance... Did I tell you about the porthole defoggers?
Seeing is overrated, i've got a budget over here.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
Okay, but don't blame me if you run into an iceberg or something.
Did I tell you about the anti-lock anchor?
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
Sure, throw safety to the wind.
Can do.
Did I tell you about the rack and pinion rudder?
How about, I don't want any of this crap?
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
But wait, there's more!
Oh you sneaky sly bastard. You knew my one weakness! But I can't, I musn't... But the velour!
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
Hey, travel light, I can understand that. Of course, mutiny is an ugly word.
It hurt, but it had to be done.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.
But now that you mention it... My elevator rides have been a little rough lately...
Okay, I give, I can't take it anymore.
Okay, where were we?
Let's see how much ship that bought us.
Well, what do you think it's worth?
Alright, making progress.
Let's try this again.
I'd like to make you an offer.
Great! How much?
All right! 5000! But that's my FINAL offer!.
That's a little bit more like it... but not much. I know you can try harder than that. Just tell me what it would take to get you to sail this ship away TODAY.
Well, what do you think it's worth?
Almost there, almost there, almost there.
Oh shit, I'm out of ideas! What do I do? Panic panic panic panic panic panic panic.
Forget it, I don't need this boat anyway.
Well, maybe you're right...
Now where were we... Oh yes...
I'd like to make you an offer.
Great! How much?
Last stab at it.
5000! And that's my FINAL final offer!
Could it be?
Ha! Fear my cold negotiating skills of steel!
It's killing me, but okay!
Well when you put it like that... Maybe I could get a little more...
Just take it out of here.
You meet me at the dock with your crew. I'll bring the ship and the papers. I just want to say that i really felt some bonding here, and I don't just say that to everybody! It's been great doing business with you. Really.
What a nice man.
Alright, we got our vessel. Now there's just one more minor spot of business left to sort out and we'll be on our way!