The Let's Play Archive

The Ur-Quan Masters

by ProfessorProf

Part 35: Finale, Part 2 - The End


I knew I was dead.

But if one HAS to die, I thought to myself...

...this was definitely the RIGHT way to be dead.

That was about the time I heard Talana's voice...

...telling me to stop babbling for a moment.

She told me that the escape pod had almost been torn in half.

I had been unconscious for over three weeks...

...but my crew and I had succeeded in our mission!

The force of the explosion, amplified by the Chmmr crystals...

...had been sufficient to vaporize the Sa-Matra!

And following the destruction of the Sa-Matra battle platform...

...the fleets of the Ur-Quan and the Kohr-Ah had fallen into chaos...

...and had been vanquished by Chmmr forces and allied starships.

Then Talana told me to sit up.

She said there was something she thought I'd like to see...

...I was in Sick Bay of the Starbase, looking out over Earth.

Beneath me throbbed the sick red glow of the Ur-Quan slave shield.

Talana smiled and said that for the past few days...

the Chmmr had been working on lowering the shield...

and that it should be neutralized right about... Now!

...and for the first time in my life I saw the true colors of Earth...

...blues and greens in a thousand different shades.

As we watched, we could see the first signs of ships coming up from Earth.

They lifted from the planet's surface to join us in space.

The destiny of Mankind had been delayed for over twenty years...

...but now our world as free and nothing could stop us!

I stayed in that hospital for almost a month...

...but that day...

...that day I watched the shield fall and beautiful Talana stood at my side...

I'll never forget that day. Not for the rest of my life...

Yeah! How did you get home?

How long did it take before you and Grandma finally got married?

...we got a little sidetracked.

Talana and I didn't make it back here to Unzervalt until almost five years later.

But Grandfather! What happened? Where did you go?

And how did you find the Mark II?


This game has been brought to you by Frungy! The Sport of Kings!
No it wasn't!
Yes it was!
Frungy had nothing to do with it! This game was about war, slavery, intolerance, heroism, justice, and the inevitable triumph of Good over Evil!
Are you crazy?! The developers got millions in Frungy endorsements!
No they didn't.
Yes, they did.
No they didn't!
Yes they did!
Did not!
Did too!
Did not!
Did too!

Well I'm not! I got away from the ship at the last second, and now I'm REALLY going to cause some trouble! In fact, that's what the sequel is going to be about!
Yeah, that's the ticket! Me and my exciting adventures as I conquer the galaxy for the greater glory of... ME! It will have action! It will have drama! It will have gratuitous alien sex scenes! It's gonna be great!

HOLD IT! I'm getting sick of this stupid dialog!
Who wrote this stuff -- a five year old?
Okay, okay. I'll try it again *sigh*... *Happy* campers are best. It is good to *smell* you again...

Ever since you returned the Ultron to us
everything has been WONDERFUL... just perfect! Within just two days our factories will begin churning out appropriate facial appliances, and I have already picked out my first mask - the Domino of Unrivaled Merriment! Yes, we are all ecstatic... even the High Proctor gambols as she performs the Exultant Caper of Revelation! Look how she leaps with the Ultron held high! How she twists, how she twirls, how she slips and tosses the Ultron into the air... OH NOOooooo!!!

Throughout this entire game, I've done nothing but bluster and threaten! I've had no opportunity to show my true skills as an actor, my depth and range. No one knows my sensitivity... my gentle inner being. SNORT! What if from now on I'm type-cast as a heavy?! WHIMPER! Now Spielberg may NEVER call me!

That was tough, playing second banana to the Utwig. Now I'm hungry, but I'm sick and tired of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight! I want some REAL food!!! Like a hamburger or a steak... better yet, how about a dog!

In fact, I just talked with the designers and they have assured me that the sequel will be all about me! Isn't that great! They said they wanted to move away from the warrior mythos and expand more into the healer cycle. This may be my big chance! The only thing I'm not sure about is the new costume they want me to wear. They said this one would be REALLY revealing.

Ho, ho! It is the creature which I wrongly called a disgusting Ur-Quan slimewad... and a cowardly slug-spawn... and a pouchless lard-log freak... and a leprous, non-functional sex organ... and a wallowing, phlegm-filled Dgrunti belly-licker. HA! My human friend has returned!
So what am I doing out here, you ask? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST, THAT'S WHAT!!! I'll be lucky if I don't have a heart attack soon. You have no idea how hard it is to personally replenish an entire species!

But wait! This doesn't have to be the end! We have established a conduit from the realms of our Harmonic Awareness directly to you! You can use this channel to ask us questions about your past lives, or your future destiny! Just call 1-900-PKUNKRA. That's 1-900-PKUNKRA, 24 hours a day! Only two bucks per minute.
(children under 18 must have parental permission before calling.)

Well, I guess I can tell you now. I'm writing a screenplay! It's an existential thriller! Kind of a cross between a Woody Allen angst-fest mixed with some of Tobe Hooper's best work. But actually, this is just my way of getting my wing in the door, you see... what I really want to do is DIRECT!

for my role in the sequel... yes, rough indeed. To begin with, I want ten percent of the royalties, creative control over my dialog and a fat cut of the toy licenses.
What!? What did you say?! The sequel is going to be all about ME? How wonderful! What an honor! What a great chance to move up the ladder towards PRODUCER! Forget everything I said about license fees! It's an honor just to work with you!

Mary had a little lamb! I like to hold fuzzy little animals and give them huggie-wuggies.
You are probably wondering why an Ur-Quan is saying such stupid things. Well, he isn't saying them. I am... that's right -- ME, the little guy down in the corner. Since I've been stuck down here for this entire game translating 'Submit or Die!' into about a hundred different languages, I just thought I'd take this opportunity to express MY feelings.
You want to know what I think? I think this whole game would have been better if they'd done it as a musical. That's what I think, but do the designers listen to me? NO!

Quick, hide your eye! AGGH! Look at the pulpy red thing in its mouth, how it wriggles and writhes like a wet blood worm and plays over the hard white nubs that protrude from its headbone! I think I'm going to be sick.

The followers of the Path of Now and Forever!
You are filth. We shall cleanse. You WILL be annigilated... I mean annihigated.. damn!
CUT! CUT! Let's start over! Hey, mister director... can you PLEASE think of SOME other word besides agnigilate... I mean, oh what's the use. I give up.

Do you know what REALLY happened at Roswell, New Mexico in the late 1940's?
Have you even heard about the Men in Black?
Do you have any friends who have 'missing days'?
Do you sleep with your window unlocked?
Be seeing you...

Thanks for reading!