The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament 2

by Daeren

Part 5: Slavery, Wife-Beating, and A Gross Miscarriage Of Justice

Update 5: Slavery, Wife-Beating, and A Gross Miscarriage Of Justice

Welcome back. Last time was sort of boring and I apologize, but I had to tell you that story to tell you this one.

After lecturing me about sex while a creepy, creepy man undressed my son with his eyes, Muhammad finally decided to participate in the next story event. He walks up to a Quraysh guard beating the living daylights out of a half-naked black man.

Molestro continues to be a creepy son of a bitch.

Maybe it's because you broke both of his legs when you hacked at him with a broadsword for five minutes.

Take a shot.

It's not him who fails to 'work,' it is YOU who fails to work in accordance with Allah!

En Sabah Nur's looking pretty here.

There's actually some pretty fascinating debates and ideas in Islam about predestination and free will, though I doubt that's what MDickie was going for in this bit. Google them if you got some time to kill.

En Sabah Nur, go out and find some money so we can negotiate the release of this slave...

Take another shot.

Anyways, we need to find a sack of money. Fetch quests in You Testament (and by extension this game) can be pretty annoying because the item isn't guaranteed to be around, and even "get me a generic item" gets sticky when everybody in the area has already appropriated the stuff on the ground.

So, where are we gonna find money?

Follow us in the ways of Allah! It is him you 'work' for now...

Take another shot.

Surah 2:177 posted:

177. It is not righteousness that ye turn your faces Towards east or West; but it is righteousness- to believe in Allah and the Last Day, and the Angels, and the Book, and the Messengers; to spend of your substance, out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans, for the needy, for the wayfarer, for those who ask, and for the ransom of slaves; to be steadfast in prayer, and practice regular charity; to fulfil the contracts which ye have made; and to be firm and patient, in pain (or suffering) and adversity, and throughout all periods of panic. Such are the people of truth, the Allah-fearing.

Hadith 2:29 posted:

At Ar-Rabadha I met Abu Dhar who was wearing a cloak, and his slave, too, was wearing a similar one. I asked about the reason for it. He replied, "I abused a person by calling his mother with bad names." The Prophet said to me, 'O Abu Dhar! Did you abuse him by calling his mother with bad names You still have some characteristics of ignorance. Your slaves are your brothers and Allah has put them under your command. So whoever has a brother under his command should feed him of what he eats and dress him of what he wears. Do not ask them (slaves) to do things beyond their capacity (power) and if you do so, then help them.' "

Wait a second, am I reading this hadith (which he cited incorrectly, I believe) wrong, or could you could be enslaved for making a 'yo mamma' joke? Holy shit.

The Islamic view of slavery is pretty complicated, but what applies here most is that freeing a slave is and was seen as a highly pious act. This slave here is actually a very famous Ethiopian named Bilal ibn Ribah, and we'll be getting to his contributions to history a little later in the game where MDickie cocks it up, acknowledges it in the inaccuracies, and still leaves it cocked up.

For now, I have a molester to hack to pieces.

However, in doing so, I had to steal a sword from Barbra, who you can see charging at me. Apparently, this pissed off Molestro.


So, I attempt to chop Molestro into tiny pieces, but am interrupted.

My son is a dick.

So, I attempt to continue chopping Molestro into tiny pieces, but am interrupted again.

He who lives by the cutlas will DIE by the same fate! You're literally bringing it on yourself. Weapons may give you the illusion of being 'safe' but they actually take your mind to a dark place. When you own a weapon, you DISOWN yourself! You cast yourself as a trembling little animal. Truly great warriors have nothing to fear because they have something up their sleeves greater than any weapon! The only weapon you need is the sword of meditation, with which you can slay all human frailties...

'Cutlas.' Spellcheck, MDickie, have you heard of it? Also, take another shot.

As you can probably tell by the 'die by the sword' bit, this is another cut and pasted dialogue from Jesus, but putting it in the mouth of Muhammad takes it from dry and recycled to confusing and offensively wrong. Muhammad had no problem with using violence to achieve goals. At all. He also was amazingly good at fighting dirty.

The constant interruptions gave the Quraysh guards enough time to beat me to the ground and arrest me.

Here's the line I missed last time, along with a shot of Snidely looking amazingly contemptuous. I was let off with a slap on the wrist after I brutally attacked a man with a scimitar, while the other guy got imprisoned for insurrection, which is a fancy way of saying "sat down during the day."

I went to the well of Zamzam to get the next story event, still stewing over Molestro's escape. Muhammad is standing by the well near a horribly beaten woman, chewing out some asshole who-


Urge to kill...rising...

Oh God, he's an evolutionary psychologist too. Death is too good for him. He needs to be fed feet-first to fire ants.

Muhammad holds out his hand, a bell tolls...

...and Molestro appears to jizz his pants.

Holy shit, she's been messed up.

God damnit, take a shot.

Surah 33:35 posted:

35. For Muslim men and women,- for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in Charity, for men and women who fast (and deny themselves), for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah.s praise,- for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.

Pardon me, Big M, but I have a man here who desperately needs a good old fashioned ass kicking.


Stealing? I kicked a guy in the balls!



Damn, Joseph Ratzinger apparently had a rebellious phase in his youth


Stare at this image. Stare at it long and hard. That face perfectly sums up this entire game. For those of you thinking you want to play this game to see how bad it is, keep staring at this image. This is what this game does to your brain when you play it. Every time Stockholm Syndrome makes me think this game isn't so bad, I think back to this image and I'm reminded that yes, it really is that bad.