The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament 2

by Daeren

Part 6: Preach It!

Update 6: Preach It!

Fuck MDickie.

So yeah, crucifixion. This is normally the death sentence it's meant to be, as your Brain and Body bars drop like a rock while you're on the cross. At least the constant agony makes your positive energy skyrocket. If the Body bar bottoms out you croak. However, there's a secret Easter egg (hurr Easter crucifixion get it) that lets you get down off the cross.

Meditate. Seriously. That's it. Hold down space and eventually you pop right off.

I prefer to think of it as the sheer bloody-minded hate En Sabah Nur has for Molestro and Snidely allowing to tear his way off the thing.

With the nails still embedded in his limbs.

So with the meditation trick, being sentenced to crucifixion is now pretty much an annoying teleport.

Hilariously enough, we were meant to go to the desert next anyways. Meaning by crucifying us, Snidely saved us the walk.

Holy shit, we found Galt's Gulch!

Allah has ensured there is always enough sustenance. People only need adjust their way of life. It is not the child who deserves to be killed. It's your EGO that must be buried in this desert!

Take a shot.

Take a shot.

So, Muhammad flips the sizes of the kid and his dad, and then lets the kid start to stab his tiny father to death.

Surah 17:31 posted:

31. Kill not your children for fear of want: We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Verily the killing of them is a great sin.

Apparently MDickie felt like they left out "your kid can totally stab you to death, though, that's cool."

MDickie posted:

The scene in which an abused child is transformed into an adult is fictitious. It is a contrived way of introducing the power to change one's body shape. That said, it does reflect the Islamic philosophy of worldly power being usurped by spirituality.

Now's a good time to show off our two new 'cool powers'.

We got Hypnosis when Muhammad made Molestro jizz his pants. You activate it, press S when facing somebody, make them fall into a trance. Simple enough, and gives you quite a nice way to stop somebody who's beating the crap out of you - but it makes an even better opening to start a beatdown of your own.

Let's try it on Muhammad!

Ow, fuck!

As you can see, targeting Muhammad (and a certain somebody we haven't met yet) with miracles backfires horribly. No powers effect them, you collapse to the ground when you try, and you lose half your Brain bar and Soul bar.

Let's show off Size.

It's what it says on the tin. At the start of the game you're allowed to pick your height, this lets you change it on a sliding scale. Maximum height is about eleven feet, I started at ten.

Oh yeah, something happened while I was grabbing that last screenshot. See that little asshole walking away?


Luckily, Muhammed graciously heals you of all injuries and lost body parts when he's around (and notices). Note: this line in the You Testament was probably the most infamous in the entire game. Instead of "rearranging your clay", Jesus rearranged your molecular structure. This is what I meant when I said that MDickie seems to have listened to criticism: he took out most of the head-spinningly retarded things that Jesus said when he cut and pasted them, and made them more sane. Muhammed, therefore, acts more like a real human being than Jesus, who was essentially a gigantic asshole with no personality beyond
30: GOTO 10

Um. Muhammad? You...nevermind. Let's just go to the next story point.

Sadly, leaving the desert means leaving behind the nails. I really wanted to pimp-slap people with a 2 foot railroad spike.

I was slow with the screenshot key so Black Jesus' first line didn't get caught. I made do.

But don't you see that would be a HUMAN response? Allah implores you to appeal to a higher faculty! Mercy is best. That is nothing less than what Allah shows you, so you should consider showing it to others. It may be difficult, but that's the point! It shows that you are the bigger man.

Surah 17:33 posted:

33. Nor take life - which Allah has made sacred - except for just cause. And if anyone is slain wrongfully, we have given his heir authority (to demand qisas or to forgive): but let him nor exceed bounds in the matter of taking life; for he is helped (by the Law).

So we'll let the crazed animalistic murderer get off with a stern talking to? I guess the justice system isn't just stupid when we're around, it's stupid all the time. Time to head out to the next story spot, I suppose.

1) Why do they have glass windows with wrought metal frames
2) Why do they have wooden doors with modern latches and handles
3) Why do they have air conditioning vents
4) Why do they have a corrugated tin roof
5) Why does that look like drywall
6) Why do I get the sinking feeling this is exactly what MDickie's place looks like

So, this is the place, but there's nobody in sight...



Allah cloaked me so I may see how people behave when they believe no one is watching. But some one is always watching! No matter where we go, we cannot escape the gaze of Allah. Suffice to say, I was displeased with what I saw. I must confront the people with what I saw...

MDickie hates your liver.

Surah 17:45 posted:

45. When thou dost recite the Qur'an, We put, between thee and those who believe not in the Hereafter, a veil invisible:

Oh FUCK you MDickie, you and I both know that's not what that means at all. Here's what it actually is referring to.

Surah 17:44-47 posted:

44. The seven heavens and the earth, and all beings therein, declare His glory: there is not a thing but celebrates His praise; And yet ye understand not how they declare His glory! Verily He is Oft-Forbear, Most Forgiving!
45. When thou dost recite the Qur'an, We put, between thee and those who believe not in the Hereafter, a veil invisible:
46. And We put coverings over their hearts (and minds) lest they should understand the Qur'an, and deafness into their ears: when thou dost commemorate thy Lord and Him alone in the Qur'an, they turn on their backs, fleeing (from the Truth).
47. We know best why it is they listen, when they listen to thee; and when they meet in private conference, behold, the wicked say, "Ye follow none other than a man bewitched!"

So no, reading the Qur'an aloud sadly does not make you invisible to atheists. If it did, the world would be a much more hilarious place.

So now it's off to Mina to hear what Muhammad has to say. Hint: It's cannibalized, at least in part, from The You Testament. A shocker, I'm sure.

The souls of those you have wronged cry out against you! Allah has been keeping a record. When you shed this mortal shell, your soul will be left to contemplate how it conducted itself. You will burn with regret when you read your record! Allah has prepared the fire for those who go astray.

You shouldn't use a ?! to signify an exclamation unless you talk like a valley girl?! Also you didn't pluralize children. Proofread your Goddamn game, Mat.

Oh yeah, Hell apparently isn't fire and brimstone, you just read a big list Allah made of the bad stuff you did and you spontaneously combust from shame. I kind of like this concept.

This guy is so goony it's amazing. Hairy, bare-chested, balding, neck-and-chinbeard, daring the invisible pink unicorn to smite him.

Allah is oft forgiving and most merciful. He grants you time to mend your ways. Only insecure mortals are vindictive. Allah has no desire to punish anyone.

Another change. It used to be simply "God has NEVER punished ANYONE for ANYTHING!" in the You Testament. Anyone who has so much as heard of the Fall, the Flood, Sodom, Gomorrah, Job, or Hell can tell you how much that's wrong.

You wrong your own souls by defying Allah! Hurry to prayer and bow before him instead. Join me at Mount Arafat if you wish to be initiated into the ways of Allah...

Take a shot.

Somebody in the last thread had something interesting to say about the 'Allah/God is a flame' concept, actually.

Skadi posted:

I was surprised to see this. I hate to say it but he has stumbled upon something in a ham-fisted way. That's almost sort of a feature of Eastern Orthodox theology- God as the same fire who burns those who desire evil and provides warmth for those who love God and man. But not like this...not like this.

The citation also makes sense this time around!

Surah 17:13-14 posted:

13. Every man's fate We have fastened on his own neck: On the Day of Judgment We shall bring out for him a scroll, which he will see spread open.
14. (It will be said to him:) "Read thine (own) record: Sufficient is thy soul this day to make out an account against thee."

Alright, let's see what MDickie has to say about the scene, and the previous one.

MDickie posted:

The scene in which Muhammad becomes "invisible" to spy on the public is entirely fictitious and is a contrived way of including that power from The You Testament. However, it does do a neat job of setting up his rant about the "Day Of Judgment". This is a riff on the Islamic idea that our deeds are etched onto a "scroll". As far as the game is concerned, this is the data file that stores information about each character!

OH GOD DAMNIT. You thought this bullshit was a one time deal didn't you? No, he's still running with it.

Let's go see what's happening at Mount Arafat.

Holy God, that's practically a thermonuclear level of

A bell tolls...

And everybody gets a makeover.

But take no pride in this dress of yours. It is but a humble garment that makes all men equal. The ignorant masses may persecute you for wearing it, but we can hide away no longer! We must step forward and demonstrate the beauty of a life lived in the light of Allah!

Surah 7:31 posted:

31. O Children of Adam! wear your beautiful apparel at every time and place of prayer: eat and drink: But waste not by excess, for Allah loveth not the wasters.

I thought Allah was all loving and all merciful? Ah, whatever. I won't question it.

Hadith 2:22 posted:

Allah's Apostle said, "While I was sleeping I saw (in a dream) some people wearing shirts of which some were reaching up to the breasts only while others were even shorter than that. Umar bin Al-Khattab was shown wearing a shirt that he was dragging." The people asked, "How did you interpret it? (What is its interpretation) O Allah's Apostle?" He (the Prophet ) replied, "It is the Religion."

I don't even know what this means.

Now, let's see what En Sabah Nur looks like with his spiffy new duds.