The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament 2

by Daeren

Part 11: jihad

Update 11:

Welcome back. Last time,

That happened.

Blindness is incredibly annoying. It switches your arrow keys so up is down, down is up, left is right, and right is left. This makes moving an utter bitch, especially since the Z key doesn't autorun right anymore, it makes you moonwalk in a tiny circle.

Or moonsprint backwards at top speed. Before you ask, MDickie didn't think of going with a cool idea by making Vision counteract this. It does nothing.

Well, nothing except make you EVEN MORE terrifying. It's like some fever dream version of Visas Marr.

So, we finally stumble our way back into Medina to find Muhammad so we could both advance the plot and get our eyes fixed.

The Big M holds out a hand, and water starts to spout up from the ground.

It was under your feet this whole time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to reappear.

En Sabah Nur, you're blind. You didn't see SHIT. Well, at least Muhammad will teach us the water miracle now! That's something, right?

This water has not materialized for your entertainment so much as for your spiritual development. Join me in it...

Cock teasing bastard! Take a shot, too.

Hadith 4:170 posted:

saw Allah's Apostle when the 'Asr prayer was due and the people searched for water to perform ablution but they could not find it. Later on (a pot full of) water for ablution was brought to Allah's Apostle . He put his hand in that pot and ordered the people to perform ablution from it. I saw the water springing out from underneath his fingers till all of them performed the ablution (it was one of the miracles of the Prophet).

Surah 4:160 posted:

160. We divided them into twelve tribes or nations. We directed Moses by inspiration, when his (thirsty) people asked him for water: "Strike the rock with thy staff": out of it there gushed forth twelve springs: Each group knew its own place for water. We gave them the shade of clouds, and sent down to them manna and quails, (saying): "Eat of the good things We have provided for you": (but they rebelled); to Us they did no harm, but they harmed their own souls.

That Surah had almost nothing to do with this MDickie. Let's wade three feet into the pool to talk to Muhammad.

Until two minutes ago there was apparently no water at all in the Middle East, En Sabah Nur. Not everybody is a freak of nature that can go for days without it in the desert.

Before approaching Allah in prayer, we should wash ourselves in the water he has provided for us. It washes away the dirt of our worldly life and reminds us to purify ourselves for the hereafter! As the drought has taught us, drinking water is also essential for preserving one's sanity. Our bodies should be clean inside and out so that Allah shines through us all the more clearly...

So, the foundation of the tradition of ablutions was because Muhammad wanted people to take baths, stop drinking Mountain Dew, and get enemas.

Take a shot

Surah 4:43 posted:

43. And We shall remove from their hearts any lurking sense of injury;- beneath them will be rivers flowing;- and they shall say: "Praise be to Allah, who hath guided us to this (felicity): never could we have found guidance, had it not been for the guidance of Allah. indeed it was the truth, that the apostles of our Lord brought unto us." And they shall hear the cry: "Behold! the garden before you! Ye have been made its inheritors, for your deeds (of righteousness)."

Oh for the love of God, you just looked for anything referring to water at all, didn't you MDickie?

Hadith 4:142 posted:

Ibn 'Abbas performed ablution and washed his face (in the following way): He ladled out a handful of water, rinsed his mouth and washed his nose with it by putting in water and then blowing it out. He then, took another handful (of water) and did like this (gesturing) joining both hands, and washed his face, took another handful of water and washed his right forearm. He again took another handful of water and washed his left forearm, and passed wet hands over his head and took another handful of water and poured it over his right foot (up to his ankles) and washed it thoroughly and similarly took another handful of water and washed thoroughly his left foot (up to the ankles) and said, "I saw Allah's Apostle performing ablution in this way."

See this? This is relevant!

Now, can you heal my eyes buddy?


So yeah, apparently he doesn't want to heal me until I'm practically dead from injuries.

Therefore, I'll Landscape the pool down, somehow increasing its depth, and patiently drown myself until Muhammad notices.

He's in the middle of the drowning animation as he says this, by the way.

EYES to see you all again!

Now the people are so blinded by your tricks that they have forgotten what good leadership looks like.

We head up to Uhud and get a cutscene. The map thing didn't disappear. Oh MDickie

We Muslims are indebted to you who helped us at this crucial moment. We are at your service. We would be happy to sign a pledge of allegiance so that we can work together towards a shared goal? YOUR enemies would become OUR enemies and vice versa. Trust me, Allah is a force you want on your side!

Surah 9:117 posted:

117. Allah turned with favour to the Prophet, the Muhajirs, and the Ansar,- who followed him in a time of distress, after that the hearts of a part of them had nearly swerved (from duty); but He turned to them (also): for He is unto them Most Kind, Most Merciful.

History majors may want to turn away from this next part. It gets pretty , and I'm not going to say anything until the end because if I interrupt it'll get ugly.

You said that 'our' enemies are now 'your' enemies and now we need you to make good on that claim.

I thought you would call on our support to DEFEND Medina - not to pounce on others!

They're consolidating their power and time is running out for us to catch them off-guard. They're not 'your people' anymore. You saw to that when you marched out of Mecca and into Medina!

You saw for yourself how everyone and everything is interconnected? Violence is ignorant of that.

what does that even mean

La la la happy place...huh? What? It's over? AND we have to take a shot? Damnit.

Okay, first off, let me cite what he cites here.

Surah 2:217 posted:

217. They ask thee concerning fighting in the Prohibited Month. Say: "Fighting therein is a grave (offence); but graver is it in the sight of Allah to prevent access to the path of Allah, to deny Him, to prevent access to the Sacred Mosque, and drive out its members." Tumult and oppression are worse than slaughter. Nor will they cease fighting you until they turn you back from your faith if they can. And if any of you Turn back from their faith and die in unbelief, their works will bear no fruit in this life and in the Hereafter; they will be companions of the Fire and will abide therein.

This is actually a verse from AFTER the Caravan Raids, brought on when Muhammad was ticked that they spilled blood during a Sacred Month.

Now, let me cite the Qu'ran myself. Specifically, the passages saying that WAR AGAINST THE MECCANS WAS TOTALLY COOL AND ENDORSED BY MUHAMMAD.

Surah 22:39-40 posted:

39. To those against whom war is made, permission is given (to fight), because they are wronged;- and verily, Allah is most powerful for their aid;-
40. (They are) those who have been expelled from their homes in defiance of right,- (for no cause) except that they say, "our Lord is Allah.. Did not Allah check one set of people by means of another, there would surely have been pulled down monasteries, churches, synagogues, and mosques, in which the name of Allah is commemorated in abundant measure. Allah will certainly aid those who aid his (cause);- for verily Allah is full of Strength, Exalted in Might, (able to enforce His Will).

Muhammad and the Muslims raided caravans sent to Mecca in an attempt to starve them of resources while getting filthy rich themselves. Hell, I'm not sure if it was implemented by this point, but Islam was famous for "Conversion by the Sword" - if they captured you, and you weren't worth ransom, you had two options. Become a Muslim, or die. Muhammad and the Muslims are the ones who started the Battle of Badr by trying to raid a giant caravan, and meeting a Meccan army guarding it! This is all without mentioning the concept of a Holy War!


MDickie posted:

In reality, it was Muhammad who wanted to go to war with the Quraysh and he didn't need any persuasion from the leader of Medina. He also elected to take pot-shots at their trade routes instead of confronting them face to face, and he did so during a sacred month when violence was prohibited. I omitted these details to make his leadership appear more virtuous.

Ugh. Let's just go see what Muhammad has to say.

No mere mortal can defeat an enemy as hardened as them. We must call upon the power of Allah to strengthen us! If you meditate at the highest level you can endow your attacks with power and become indestructible. Only worldly people are hurt in battle. If you become 'selfless' then there is no 'self' to get hurt! An ignorant opponent hurts himself whenever he tries to hurt you. It's like wearing spiritual armor! Master this power and then join us on the battlefield at Badr. It's time to teach our enemies a lesson!

So, apparently the secret to super strength isn't getting really mad, it's being selfless. Move over, Hulk, Siddhartha Gautama is about to wreck your shit.

So yeah, Strength is pretty much exactly how Muhammad describes it. You get incredibly strong - strong enough that normal punches send enemies staggering backwards, dazed - and are invincible to attacks. However, its utility is hampered when you realize that actually using it to punch dudes in the face puts dents in your karma every time you whack someone, and the power already has an impressive upkeep cost. Also, when you actually kill an enemy, you get maxed out evil mojo, and the power takes forever to actually activate. It's mostly a gimmick ability you put on just before you hand someone their ass on twelve different silver platters.

Oh yeah, pressing the S key makes you telekinetically shove people to the ground.

Unfortunately, in my zeal to show off the power, I sort of mutilated a Quraysh guard.

Oh fuck you too, Snidely. Not this time, you don't. Time to show off another cheat: Alt+End.

When pressed, you are automatically teleported to trial for a random crime.

In this case, assault.

Hah, they named the fatty Leviathan. That's amazing.


Now we can head to the proper Battle of Badr. In reality, the Muslims were gravely outnumbered; with only 313 men, facing the Quraysh army of 900 men was a scary prospect. That they won was attributed to the divine intervention of Allah himself.

In this game?

Snidely and four mooks vs. Muhammad, the leader of Medina, a guy with irritable bowel syndrome, a random Muslim, and us. And there's a cross for some reason.

MDickie posted:

The "Battle Of Badr" is reduced to a symbolic confrontation between 5 Quraysh and 5 Muslims. In reality, the Muslims were outnumbered by a huge Quraysh army - which made their unlikely success all the more remarkable. It was obviously not possible to portray extensive war scenes in a game not of that genre.

I'm feeling sort of generous so I'll actually let this one slide. Trying to get this game to handle 1,200 models fighting would probably make a CRAY computer explode.

We have been commanded to strike at the root of corruption and reclaim Mecca for those of faith!

By the leader of Medina in this game, note, not actually Allah.

You've twirled your last mustache, Snidely.
take a shot

Surah 8:7-13 posted:

7. Behold! Allah promised you one of the two (enemy) parties, that it should be yours: Ye wished that the one unarmed should be yours, but Allah willed to justify the Truth according to His words and to cut off the roots of the Unbelievers;-
8. That He might justify Truth and prove Falsehood false, distasteful though it be to those in guilt.
9. Remember ye implored the assistance of your Lord, and He answered you: "I will assist you with a thousand of the angels, ranks on ranks."
10. Allah made it but a message of hope, and an assurance to your hearts: (in any case) there is no help except from Allah. and Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise.
11. Remember He covered you with a sort of drowsiness, to give you calm as from Himself, and he caused rain to descend on you from heaven, to clean you therewith, to remove from you the stain of Satan, to strengthen your hearts, and to plant your feet firmly therewith.
12. Remember thy Lord inspired the angels (with the message): "I am with you: give firmness to the Believers: I will instil terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them."
13. This because they contended against Allah and His Messenger. If any contend against Allah and His Messenger, Allah is strict in punishment.

That Surah is actually about the Battle of Badr.

The battle begins in earnest as Muhammad stomps on some poor guy repeatedly, and Random Muslim kung-fu kicks another square in the jaw. Mr. Irritable Bowels tries to loot the battlefield early.

What is best in life?

To crush Snidely Whiplash's testicles. To see them rocket out of his ears. To hear the lamentations of his women.

Oh yeah, when somebody goes kill-crazy, they go cross-eyed as well.

We finally murder everyone but Snidely, who is still a plot essential NPC and so refuses to die. I beat the last guy to death with a cross.

FUCK no, I've been waiting for this.


We cannot take any pleasure in the death of our enemies. Nor do we have the right to abuse those who are captive. That battle that just took place was part of the LESSER jihad. Now begins the GREATER jihad of the battle within! We must proceed with honor and dignity. Only then can we claim to be superior to our faithless enemies.

Surah 8:61 posted:

61. But if the enemy incline towards peace, do thou (also) incline towards peace, and trust in Allah. for He is One that heareth and knoweth (all things).

While this may be true, Muhammad's forces still killed Abu Jahal at the Battle of Badr! This paved the way for an even more important leader!

MDickie posted:

In reality, the leader of the Quraysh, Abu Jahl, perished at the "Battle Of Badr" and was not taken prisoner. He is spared in the game to demonstrate Muhammad's stance on treating captives humanely. It also wasn't practical to replace the leader of the Quraysh halfway through the game. In reality, Abu Jahl was succeeded by Abu Sufyan.

I hate you MDickie.




Ugh. Let's just start heading to the next plot point.