The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament 2

by Daeren

Part 21: Glitches n' Bores

Update 13: Glitches n' Bores

Welcome back. Last time we ran into a game-breaking bug. Luckily, there's a scene selector cheat and we can skip past the bugged out scene. The next scene starts with Muhammad up and walking around in Uhud.

I took a beating, but I called on the power of Allah to heal my wounds. You can do it too. If you meditate at the highest level, you'll discover that even the most horrendous injuries can be healed! Don't keep this power to yourself, though. The most honorable thing you can do is to try to heal others...

Take a shot.

Surah 3:168-169 posted:

168. (They are) the ones that say, (of their brethren slain), while they themselves sit (at ease): "If only they had listened to us they would not have been slain." Say: "Avert death from your own selves, if ye speak the truth."
169. Think not of those who are slain in Allah.s way as dead. Nay, they live, finding their sustenance in the presence of their Lord;

So yeah, Healing. We're officially unstoppable now. Meditating on it cranks up our health regen to insane levels (even though we can just cheat it up) but more importantly it regrows lost body parts. Even if we somehow become a torso with no limbs and no eyes, if we use Healing we can pop back to normal after a bit.

Muhammad wasn't joking about helping others, either. Unlike every other power, using it on others INCREASES your positive spiritual energy, making it cheaper than free to use. Now we never have to 'accidentally' kill our wives ever again.

Also, people love it when you heal them. Off to the next story segment.

Somehow I just know this was Bethlehem or something.

Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, we lose all our health and drop to the ground. The healing cheat refuses to work. I panic, thinking this is some sort of fatal bug.




Then why did you STOP me!? I was going to be free of this shitty game!

Oh, okay. Asshole.

We all have one controlling us. It's even possible to manipulate the souls of others if they're weak enough! You must pray often and stay strong in spirit to avoid being led astray by evil influences...

Take a shot. Also, SOULS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Surah 3:145 posted:

145. Nor can a soul die except by Allah.s leave, the term being fixed as by writing. If any do desire a reward in this life, We shall give it to him; and if any do desire a reward in the Hereafter, We shall give it to him. And swiftly shall We reward those that (serve us with) gratitude.

And the award for most ham-fistedly shoehorned in power goes to...

Possession! Barely even alluded to at the end of a half-related conversation, this allows you to go all Mentok the Mind Taker and control a nearby NPC.

Like so. You control them as normal and aren't blamed for anything they do.

Also, pressing S transfers bodies. My favorite thing to do with this one is possess a guy, have him punch someone, transfer to that guy, and have him punch back. When I get back to my own body, the two strangers are fighting to the death.

Pardon me if I don't trust you at all, Satan. Take a shot, too.

Surah 11:39-43 posted:

39. "But soon will ye know who it is on whom will descend a penalty that will cover them with shame,- on whom will be unloosed a penalty lasting:"
40. At length, behold! there came Our command, and the fountains of the earth gushed forth! We said: "Embark therein, of each kind two, male and female, and your family - except those against whom the word has already gone forth,- and the Believers." but only a few believed with him.
41. So he said: "Embark ye on the Ark, In the name of Allah, whether it move or be at rest! For my Lord is, be sure, Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful!"
42. So the Ark floated with them on the waves (towering) like mountains, and Noah called out to his son, who had separated himself (from the rest): "O my son! embark with us, and be not with the unbelievers!"
43. The son replied: "I will betake myself to some mountain: it will save me from the water." Noah said: "This day nothing can save, from the command of Allah, any but those on whom He hath mercy! "And the waves came between them, and the son was among those overwhelmed in the Flood.

I change my hairstyle once more to something even more goofy. Anyways, there's no water, Satan, quit lying.

Oh dear, I take that back.

The camera, by the way, treats the surface of the water as a solid wall.

Now God has 'abandoned' us and leaves us to drown in the consequences of our actions! We brought this on ourselves...

Take a shot, same Surah citation as before.

We comfort Crippley in his time of need.

We go to Zamzam to find Muhammad fucking around.

The people drown in materialism and wretchedness. The world simply contorted itself to reflect that. If you don't like the story the world is telling you, YOU must tell IT a different story! Besides, who's to say it wasn't a BLESSING? Are not most of these lands parched of water? The flood brought happiness to some and misery to others. Nothing has any meaning but the meaning you GIVE it!

I. What. Buh?

SEA LEVEL! Activating this allows you to raise and lower the water level of the entire game world.

Brbllbrlrblrb rblrb rblrbrlrbrbl rblrlbrb.

Brblbrbl brlbrbllb rbrblblblrbl brlbrlbrbrlbrl!

We head to Medina after lowering the water level so we could move beyond a crawling pace, and find this happening.

This, I believe, is the same Surah given for when a woman asks to marry you.

Go away, Satan.

Our community has been ravaged by war and other calamities! Many women have lost husbands and children have lost fathers. Whoever can alleviate this suffering by taking a widow or orphan under their wing should do so. Take as many as you see fit - but only if you can treat them all as fairly as if they were your own! Do not be motivated by the evils of lust or egotism! Compassion alone is the quality that Allah recognizes...

Take TWO shots. Wait, if Allah only recognizes compassion, does that mean He can't recognize evil? If so, how does he punish it?

The game glitched horribly as I got that last screenshot and I could only get it working again partway through this conversation. So, a woman asked me to marry her immediately after Muhammad's spiel about it. It's your funeral, honey.

Hey, you look like of my ex-wives! That's not a good thing.

She's pretty banged up for some reason so we heal her up.

Not a problem. I'll be trying to keep you alive a BIT longer than the last ones.

We find this brat on the way to Muhammad. Wait a second, isn't this the little shit who sentenced us to crucifixion in the third video? I think it is!

Well, I'm not gonna piss off Muhammad by saying no.

I will name you Chad because you look like a douche.

We find Muhammad in the corner staring at a tree.

Even if one leaf should fall, Allah would know it. He knows the thoughts of all men likewise. I could sit here all day reading the book of nature! There are signs all around for those who pay attention. But this tree carries an urgent message. It stands to remind us that the flower of Mecca is still surrounded by thorns! We must go on a pilgrimage to Mecca and nourish the neglected Ka'ba with the water of our devotion...

Surah 6:59 posted:

59. With Him are the keys of the unseen, the treasures that none knoweth but He. He knoweth whatever there is on the earth and in the sea. Not a leaf doth fall but with His knowledge: there is not a grain in the darkness (or depths) of the earth, nor anything fresh or dry (green or withered), but is (inscribed) in a record clear (to those who can read).

Hadith 3:58 posted:

Allah's Apostle said, "Amongst the trees, there is a tree, the leaves of which do not fall and is like a Muslim. Tell me the name of that tree." Everybody started thinking about the trees of the desert areas. And I thought of the date-palm tree but felt shy to answer the others then asked, "What is that tree, O Allah's Apostle ?" He replied, "It is the date-palm tree."

Take a shot. You know, the way that MDickie talks about the Ka'ba makes it sounds hilariously close to idolatry. Which is probably the furthest fucking thing from the truth.

If this is Joel again I swear to all that is unholy I will drop-kick the little lich into the sun.


Hmmm. It's time for science. I hug the woman again for a while and wait.

Wow. That's not a face, that's a face.

So yeah, it appears the game is glitched to the point that if you have a child AT ALL, any pregnancies shit themselves and reiterate that you have that child while spawning the actual child in subspace or something.

Let's see what Mo'Hams is up to.

The vibrant lives of his people descend on you once more to nourish the Ka'ba with their devotion.

It was built by men of faith and deserves to be attended to by men of faith! You have no right to it. I wonder what your beloved tourists would think if they heard you were keeping pilgrims away from it?

again with the tourists?

Surah 3:96 posted:

96. The first House (of worship) appointed for men was that at Bakka: Full of blessing and of guidance for all kinds of beings:

Take a shot. We'll see how this ends next time!