The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament 2

by Daeren

Part 23: Iblis Went Down To Mina

Update 15: Iblis Went Down To Mina

Time to go back into Mecca to address the question of the MDickie Monolith.


Hey, check it out, the door's open.

The thing's hollow - it goes on forever...and...oh my God...

It's full of stars!

Wait, no, it's just Muhammad and some random junk.

As a reminder, this is the real Kaaba's interior.

Yes, folks, the pagan idols that sparked all this are a sword, a brick, a stick, a nail, another brick, and a bag of gold. The MDickie Monolith really is a roadside tourist trap, after all.

MDickie posted:

In real life, the Ka'ba would have contained lots of pagan statues instead of random objects! I did not feel it was necessary to create extra items for that one moment. It's also not true that Muhammad destroyed its contents entirely - he spared a painting of Jesus and Mary.

Let's just ignore the gold trim on the outside (which shouldn't fucking be there for years) and the insanely fancy door with the prayers on it.

The truth has come and falsehood has melted away! Help me get rid of this materialistic clutter...

Take a shot.

Surah 17:81 posted:

81. And say: "Truth has (now) arrived, and Falsehood perished: for Falsehood is (by its nature) bound to perish."

MDickie loves that one for some reason.

So yeah, Muhammad starts chucking stuff out of the MDickie Monoloth...only his coding is terrible and he can't quite manage it on his own. I have to actually use Magnetism to pull shit out of the walls and from under tables before it's all out.

Go find the most appropriate item you can and we'll seal it in here as our own personal sacrifice...


ing all the way, I go outside, pick up a nail we threw out of the MDickie Monolith, and bring it back.

As I hand it over, it explodes into gold sparks.

Thank God. I was gonna have to bust some skulls.

Upon achieving enlightenment, that which is 'material' merges into that which is eternal - like a wave in the ocean. That's what I want this place to represent. The 'nail' disappeared because YOU have been found! You are truly a 'master' now and matter has become a mere substance you have complete control over...

Aaand he whips out some retarded religibabble in the home stretch. Take a shot

Surah 18:61-64 posted:

61. But when they reached the Junction, they forgot (about) their Fish, which took its course through the sea (straight) as in a tunnel.
62. When they had passed on (some distance), Moses said to his attendant: "Bring us our early meal; truly we have suffered much fatigue at this (stage of) our journey."
63. He replied: "Sawest thou (what happened) when we betook ourselves to the rock? I did indeed forget (about) the Fish: none but Satan made me forget to tell (you) about it: it took its course through the sea in a marvellous way!"
64. Moses said: "That was what we were seeking after:" So they went back on their footsteps, following (the path they had come).

MDickie posted:

Muhammad did not really suggest that another item be placed in the Ka'ba which then disappears. This is a contrived way of shoehorning in the ability to manifest items. It also alludes to an Islamic story about Moses where he carries a fish which then disappears into the ocean to symbolize his enlightenment.

The real Ka'ba has a sacred black stone that I neglected to feature. It took 4 people to help relocate it after Muhammad purified the Ka'ba and I could not portray that process in the game.

Now we have Manifestation. Activating it allows us to scroll through all the items in the game and take the one we want, but, like Appearance, it's almost useless due to the way we pray. Also, it's been brought to my attention the Healing power is still St. George's Cross, when it should be a red crescent for the same intent in the Middle East.

Oh hey, Kahn wants to be a Muslim! This means he won't bug me with random bullshit when I pray! Awesome!

Pressing S with Manifestation active lets us fire random crap like missiles. Excellent.

Hey, wait, is that Sten there in the bottom right?

I love seeing actors in tiny roles before they made it big.

Gone is the dark, diseased blood of the Quraysh! The pure blood of faith now runs in Mecca's veins.

We are the energy that brings Allah's creation to life, so let us all proceed in the same direction!

I'm sorry, what? Stop the music for a moment.


Carry on.

You have followed me in every step and Allah seeks to reward you by increasing the speed of yours!

YES! SPEED! THE POWER THAT MAKES MOVEMENT TOLERABLE! Speed makes you zoom around like a crack-addled panther, to the point where with a base agility of 100% you move faster than the camera.

Also it lets you force push people for some reason.

Wait a second. They're circling the MDickie Monolith clockwise. It's done counterclockwise seven times, kissing the eastern part each time you pass it. You can't get ANYTHING right, can you Mat? Are you allergic to the truth or something?

We take a super-speed stroll over to Mina to see Satan with his back to a giant stone dildo, surrounded by an angry mob.

I doubt this was intentional, but I find it interesting that this is Iblis' final plea considering that the cause of his fall in Islam was a refusal to bow to humanity.

I'd trust the guy on this one, folks. You know those berserker rampages I go on? I learned all that from this dude.

Oh just shut up and kill him. Take a shot.

Surah 2:34 posted:

34. And behold, We said to the angels: "Bow down to Adam" and they bowed down. Not so Iblis: he refused and was haughty: He was of those who reject Faith.

Well I'll be Goddamned. He DID intend that! He IS capable of subtle connections! It's a Christmas miracle!

So the crowd hucks shit at Satan until he bites it.

Wait, what? That's not how the story goes!

It was he who whispered deceit into your ears and encouraged you to rebel against Allah as he had done. But now his rotten corpse lies dead and he has been revealed to have no power at all - like all false idols.


And be sure to include the stoning of this pillar in your pilgrimages so that this day is never forgotten. When you throw stones at it, imagine all evil thoughts leaving your person and returning it to the one that sent them...

The crowd then inexplicably erupts into an orgy of violence. Take a shot. I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of in these last two updates.

Surah 22:52 posted:

52. Never did We send an apostle or a prophet before thee, but, when he framed a desire, Satan threw some (vanity) into his desire: but Allah will cancel anything (vain) that Satan throws in, and Allah will confirm (and establish) His Signs: for Allah is full of Knowledge and Wisdom:

MDickie posted:

The tradition of stoning the pillar in Mina actually predates Muhammad and can be traced back to the way Abraham responded to a vision of Satan. Since Satan is a real character in the game, I factored his demise into it.

What IS it with his obsessive need to have the bad guys die horribly even when they didn't?

Okay, folks. Strap yourselves in, we're heading into quite possibly the dumbest scene in the game. "Bah," you're probably scoffing, "How can it get any dumber?"

THIS is how.

Yes, that's Muhammad chilling out on top of the most sacred site in Islam.

Surah 22:73 posted:

73. O men! Here is a parable set forth! listen to it! Those on whom, besides Allah, ye call, cannot create (even) a fly, if they all met together for the purpose! and if the fly should snatch away anything from them, they would have no power to release it from the fly. Feeble are those who petition and those whom they petition!

MDickie posted:

There were no instances in which Muhammad roamed around on top of the Ka'ba and he could not fly. This skill (and the accompanying remark about it being "nothing more than a fly can do") is a reference to an Islamic mystic called Rabi'ah. It was included in the game as a means of accessing the ability to fly from The You Testament.

Take a sh

There you go. The utter distillation of everything that is wrong with this game. Borderline (or perhaps just plain) offensive, wrong about nearly everything it says, and some form of psychic cancer. That bees thing is complete utter horseshit made up by a guy in the 1900s who didn't take everything into account. Not only is it a myth, it's a modern myth that's been utterly debunked and would be meaningless in 600 due to a lack of understanding about aerodynamic physics that would be required to reach the false paradox. EVERYTHING ABOUT ITS INCLUSION IS WRONG. EVERYTHING.

But hey, cool powers. Weightlessness is likely my favorite power in the game aside from Speed or Satanic Fireballs. On its own it's pretty useless, lets you walk on water and prevents you from falling.

Press the S key, though?

You lift people into the air. Hold it long enough and they'll die on impact when they fall. Easily the simplest and most hilarious way to kill people. that JOEL running around the Monolith? My kids finally turned their lives around and stopped beating up Muslims!

Levitation, when meditated upon, just floats you up without allowing you to move. Sort of useless.

Pressing the S key lets you fly, though.

I didn't do nothing.

Oh boy. Hold on to your hats, this is the longest speech in the game.

But I take solace in knowing I leave Mecca strong, and I pray that you will keep it that way. May the love you have for this city manifest in the love you show for each other. Do not forgo your principles by coming to blows over some petty concern! That is beneath you now. Remember that Allah keeps a record of all your actions and will confront you with them one day. Make sure that moment is a happy one by living in accordance with the principles I have taught you. Transcend the illusion of the physical world and use spiritual insight to see the true nature of things. Do not persecute those of another race or gender. In Allah's sight, all of creation is inter-connected! There is only ONE God and life works best when it unfolds in accordance with that divine will. Many taught this before me and many will teach it after me - but the fundamental truth remains the same. Search for this truth wherever disagreements arise. Do not dishonor me by lacking the grace of Allah. Remember the divine insights that Allah imparted through me and pass them on to the next generation. May they ponder the wisdom of these words and understand even better than those present today! I have done all you have inspired me to do, my Lord. I leave you to reap the harvest of what you have planted...

zzzzz..huh? What? Take a shot.

Surah 62:2-3 posted:

2. It is He Who has sent amongst the Unlettered an apostle from among themselves, to rehearse to them His Signs, to sanctify them, and to instruct them in Scripture and Wisdom,- although they had been, before, in manifest error;-
3. As well as (to confer all these benefits upon) others of them, who have not already joined them: And He is exalted in Might, Wise.

I can't find the Hadith he cites.

Anyways. Come back next time, when I finish this shitty game.

though there's probably going to be bonus content after that