The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament

by General Ironicus

Part 3: Proper Posture is Paramount

Chapter 2: Proper Posture is Paramount

Jay-Z, the greatest theologian of our time.

Galilee is actually a region which contains many of the cities present on the map. Geography is... fluid in the You Testament.

Bruce Wayne-zowski has been spreading the news of our assault on his relative. The locals are understandably restless.

Here's a nice shot of Background01, a famous splash page by Alex Ross. At least this game should have something for comics fans.

Well maybe not. The way textures are wrapped onto the skybox distorts everything to hell, that's why "Fuck MDickie" never looks straight. If you look up you'll also notice the image is flipped backwards. The texture is wrapped from the outside and you're on the inside. Keep that in mind if you're modding it too.

"Bite Me"? Seems a bit grumpy.

Well I guess I was right. Anyway this is the current plot event so let's talk to Jesus more.

No man can see God unless he becomes LIKE God! A perfect vessel through which divinity flows... If you want to connect with God, don't sit like other Men! Keep sitting until you assume a different posture... Close your TWO eyes to the outside world and open your THIRD eye to an 'inner' world - the real world! Concentrate your energy at the spine and you will generate spiritual energy called 'prana'...

I've already given you a lot to think about. Go and experiment and we'll talk more later.

Judging by the above shot Jesus has been doing enough experimentation already. What scripture was butchered this time? Let's look and see:

John 3:3-8 posted:

3In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.[a]"

4"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

5Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. 6Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[b] gives birth to spirit. 7You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You[c] must be born again.' 8The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

If you tap space your character will sit with one knee up and slowly regain health. If you hold space you go into meditation mode and slowly increase your yellow bar. Sitting and waiting is a major part of the game. So far, that's all it does. Mega Man seems pretty interested though.

Speaking of Mega Man there is no way to know which way to go next until you leave the area and see a loading screen. This time it's all the way in Sychar, which is a good hike from here but I didn't know that until I took a detour into Capernaum.

On the way, Charlie Brown was very happy about his new power to sit and look at his hands so hug time for everyone!

In Cana we meet a nice friendly fellow:

Consider it yours my friend! I expect you need it more than I do

Well you get a hug too friendly football Gumby. Sorry about impaling you like that.

The staff was then immediately stolen...

And thrown across the room. People in Cana are jerks.

In Nazareth we find more evidence against the random character creator.

On the way the loading screen threw up quotes from Kanye West, Muhammed Ali, Tupak Shakur, and Neale Donald Walsh. One of these things is not like the others, one of these things actually belongs. At least we made it to Sychar.

Background by Billy, Age 6. You'll see in these shots the heads of stick figures poking above the ground. Their bodies are concealed by the ground and might be seen one day on a lowland map. Plot Time!

Just like if you eat the fruits of this Earth you will hunger again. What if I told you there was another way?


Its because you aren't screaming hard enough.

Hold your attention on the left branch of the second chakra and you will automatically nourish your senses... But be careful - its not the best use of your spiritual energy! You should still eat from time to time.

It goes without saying by now, but that passage does not apply. The "living water" part is right, but it refers to faith in Jesus rather than new-age misinterpretation of hinduism. Also Charlie Brown is again filling in for a woman. He's a method actor.

This is the healing power. In order to use Jesus magic hold space, then hold the arrow keys to put that little line on the symbol for the power you want. The line controls like pac-man but worse. Then use your third hand to hit the screenshot key. This power trades spirit bar for health, both of which are infinite if you're patient and sit long enough, so it's completely useless. Well, off to the next Jesus conversation.