The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament

by General Ironicus

Part 9: The Long March

Chapter 8: The Long March

Remember how Jesus said he'd meet us back north? He went all the way back to Galilee, 7 squares away. I hate MDickie so much right now. At least it gives us a reason to check out some new territory.

Our first stop is Emmaus, the place Jesus first appeared to the disciples following his resurrection. I guess that's spoilers though. You should probably just read the book.

There's no reason to show this bit, you've all seen it before. I'm just really proud of how perfectly the Travis Touchdown face fits on the model.

Hulk looking at that child reminds me of something.

The next town north is Arimathea, which apparently has no known location and is a place name that does not survive to the present. It is home to the guy that loaned Jesus a tomb. Despite this, MDickie decided it's the most developed city in all of Judea aside from Jerusalem itself.

No thanks. I appreciate the thought but Jesus is on this vegetarian kick and I don't think its a very good idea.

Hitler was never known for his anger management skills.

I've got to give credit where it's due though, he actually uses a dead fish as a weapon. The guy's got gumption. Letting yourself get knocked around does actually charge your spirit bar, making healing right after pretty simple except for the time you lose.

And the fish got cleaned up by local officials in no time.

Tidus also turned out really well. This is the update where I pat myself on the back all day.

The next locale is Sharon, named for the Sharon plain, a wooded and fertile region.

The MDickie version has two trees. In any case we still have a mission.

But for once somebody who receives the Hug Gospel gives us something in return (aside from a creepy kid).

With one wave of the hand, you can use your powers to destroy people from a distance!

Every update adds a new candidate for worst use of scripture. The cited passage is about Jesus refuting the charge that he is Satan because demons listen to him. If anybody can find a legitimate connection between that and game mechanics I would love to hear it.

This evil little man delights in showing us the wrong way to use our powers. Most of them seem to have different effects when using them sitting, compared to using them with the 's' key. Turning strength on and punching people hits hard, but turning it on and using 's' makes them collapse at a distance. Now we have force pull and force choke.

Take this gentleman for example. He is a double superhero, a real tough cookie. How could we get that meat from him?

One tap and he's laid out flat. But because we're so nice he can keep the meat anyway.

Next on the itinerary is Mount Carmel, which is not part of Willy Wonka's factory. Instead its a mountain famously used as a symbol of beauty and plenty.

Every place in this game that's supposed to be a mountain barely makes it to foothill.

MDickie also has some interesting ideas on how foliage operates.

But what is this great colossus?

A great work that can stand astride a large-headed child must be a symbol of their god.

Jon Lovitz! Its either all much clearer now, or far more confusing.

Our last stop in uncharted territory is in Ptolemais, a city known by many names in the Bible. None of those names are "Ptolemais" so I really have no idea.

It does have a much more respectable mountain than Mt Carmel did though. Even in the tiniest details MDickie confounds me to no end.

The most notable thing here is an amputated Super-Hogan. Apparently the Iron Sheik got hold of some Kryptonite. Speaking of cartoonish Middle Eastern villains:

You don't understand MDickie because you aren't LIVING ON THE EDGE.

People in Cana are still jerks. Some things never change.

And with that we sprint ahead to an update where actual things happen so its hopefully more fun to read!