Part 13: Escarpa - The Bitternuts

13. Escarpa - The Bitternuts


Live on CD-ROM from beautiful cliff-side Escarpa, it's "The Bitternuts!" With Jack Kluckman as Mr. Bitternut. And starring Sandra Bullhockey as Mrs. Bitternut. And Vinyl MacCaulking as little Bobby Bitternut.
They are "The Bitternuts." Yes, they're "The Bitternuts." They're not just geared up, they are nuts, they are nuts, they are nuts! "The Bitternuts!"
*canned applause and cheering*
Today we join The Bitternuts just as they hear a knock on their door--


Just a minute! Harley, will you get that?

Oh, nevermind. Do I have to do everything around here? Coming!


Yow! Aren't you the giant economy sized visitor.
*canned laughter*
You know, I'd ask you in, but I'm not sure there's enough air in here.
*canned laughter*
Harley, take a look at this guy! This is what a real man looks like.

*canned laughter*
Harley? Oh honey, don't mind him. He's just actin his IQ.

(What is this sunless Stygian sea I have found, lurking in the earth's bowels? Will this be my final discovery?)
*canned laughter*
So, uh, you wanna come in, or maybe that should be: CAN you come in?
*canned laughter*
Huh? (Crap.) Uhh-- Why thank you, I will.
*canned laughter*


Hey, mom, I--
(Oh no, they're reproducing!)
*applause*


Hey, mom, I--Whoa! Who's the big guy?
*canned laughter*
We don't know, honey.
*canned laughter*
We're still waitin' to find out.
*canned laughter*
My name is Torin, from the Lands Above.
I'm Mrs. Bitternut--and this is what's left of my husband, Mr. Bitternut.

*canned laughter*
And that's Bobby, our son.
*canned laughter*


So uh, what's that thing in your purse?
*canned laughter*
Why that's my little buddy, Boogle!
*canned laughter*

*applause*
Oh, he wont hurt you. He likes people.
Yeah? Then he wont fit in here!
*canned laughter*
Yeeeeaaah...
If he's smart, he'll stay off my furniture.
*canned laughter*
Okay...





(Huh, looks like they own one of those coloured tiles that nearly took my head off. Wonder if they'd mind parting with it?)


Hey what are you doing? Put that down!
Sorry! (Right, better ask first.)


Mrs. Bitternut, I was wondering--
Selfish, that's all they are lived right across the chasm for years. Do we ever hear from them?
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, that King Rupert. He really fries my corn bread.
*canned laughter*
Lives almost next door. Does he ever invite us over? Nooo!
*canned laughter*
Why, you'd think he was better than us or something
*canned laughter*
I'm sure King Rupert means to be nice to you. Perhaps he's just busy? I mean, he IS a King, right?
Hmm, busy for 20 years? And that queen of his.
Di?
Yeah, she should!
That's a bit harsh!
*canned laughter*v
Why what's wrong with her?
Too snooty for me, that's what Torin.
Are you sure it's not just you?
Why, she acts like they didn't have a daughter that was--hey, have you met their daughter?
What about their dauther?
Her name's Leenah, or something like that.
*canned laughter*
You two should get together Torin, you have so much in common.
We do? Like what?
Oh, uh, your looks, I suppose.
*canned laughter*
Yeah, you two deserve each other.
*canned laughter*
How would you describe Leenah?
Oh well, let's see. She has a nice personality?
What?
*canned laughter*
She's--kind to her parents, I suppose?
Wait--
*canned laughter*
She's a good climber!
Are you hearing yourself?
*canned laughter*
She's lotsa fun.
What's wrong with you?
*canned laughter*
She's--a good dancer.
Are you even listening to me?
*canned laughter*
She's--gotta great personality!
You make me sick.
*canned laughter*
In other words, she's a lot like you.
Gee, thanks.


Hello young man.


Did he touch, boy?
*collective gasp followed by silence*
W, wait--what!?
Not really, mom.
What do you mean not really? You touch him again, I'll have you arrested. We don't need no uppity strangers from some other land touching our kids!
*applause*
I don't even--


How do you do, sir? My name is Torin.

Leave him alone. He ain't spoke to nobody in years.

*canned laughter*
Yes, I can see why.
*canned laughter*
It's you, Mrs Bitternut. You. In case that wasn't clear, you're the reason. Are you--you're not even listening, are you?


Hey boogle, let's go. And never return.
Be sure to join us next time when we hear Bobby Bitternut ask:
I don't know how that stain got there, mom!
*canned laughter*
The Bitternuts is not filmed before a live audience!
*applause*

That was something. Hard to find any redeeming features in the Bitternut family. They have a picture of Escarpan Elvis hanging over their fireplace, so I guess that's something? Just to point out, every time the recorded studio audience laughed or clapped, the game would pause to allow them to do so, making this section pretty tedious.

Ah, well. Next update we get to meet Escarpa's second worst family!