Part 13: Escarpa - The Bitternuts13. Escarpa - The Bitternuts
Live on CD-ROM from beautiful cliff-side Escarpa, it's "The Bitternuts!" With Jack Kluckman as Mr. Bitternut. And starring Sandra Bullhockey as Mrs. Bitternut. And Vinyl MacCaulking as little Bobby Bitternut.
They are "The Bitternuts." Yes, they're "The Bitternuts." They're not just geared up, they are nuts, they are nuts, they are nuts! "The Bitternuts!"
*canned applause and cheering*
Today we join The Bitternuts just as they hear a knock on their door--
Just a minute! Harley, will you get that?
Oh, nevermind. Do I have to do everything around here? Coming!
Yow! Aren't you the giant economy sized visitor.
You know, I'd ask you in, but I'm not sure there's enough air in here.
Harley, take a look at this guy! This is what a real man looks like.
Harley? Oh honey, don't mind him. He's just actin his IQ.
(What is this sunless Stygian sea I have found, lurking in the earth's bowels? Will this be my final discovery?)
So, uh, you wanna come in, or maybe that should be: CAN you come in?
Huh? (Crap.) Uhh-- Why thank you, I will.
Hey, mom, I--
(Oh no, they're reproducing!)
Hey, mom, I--Whoa! Who's the big guy?
We don't know, honey.
We're still waitin' to find out.
My name is Torin, from the Lands Above.
I'm Mrs. Bitternut--and this is what's left of my husband, Mr. Bitternut.
And that's Bobby, our son.
So uh, what's that thing in your purse?
Why that's my little buddy, Boogle!
Oh, he wont hurt you. He likes people.
Yeah? Then he wont fit in here!
If he's smart, he'll stay off my furniture.
(Huh, looks like they own one of those coloured tiles that nearly took my head off. Wonder if they'd mind parting with it?)
Hey what are you doing? Put that down!
Sorry! (Right, better ask first.)
Mrs. Bitternut, I was wondering--
Selfish, that's all they are lived right across the chasm for years. Do we ever hear from them?
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, that King Rupert. He really fries my corn bread.
Lives almost next door. Does he ever invite us over? Nooo!
Why, you'd think he was better than us or something
I'm sure King Rupert means to be nice to you. Perhaps he's just busy? I mean, he IS a King, right?
Hmm, busy for 20 years? And that queen of his.
Yeah, she should!
That's a bit harsh!
Why what's wrong with her?
Too snooty for me, that's what Torin.
Are you sure it's not just you?
Why, she acts like they didn't have a daughter that was--hey, have you met their daughter?
What about their dauther?
Her name's Leenah, or something like that.
You two should get together Torin, you have so much in common.
We do? Like what?
Oh, uh, your looks, I suppose.
Yeah, you two deserve each other.
How would you describe Leenah?
Oh well, let's see. She has a nice personality?
She's--kind to her parents, I suppose?
She's a good climber!
Are you hearing yourself?
She's lotsa fun.
What's wrong with you?
She's--a good dancer.
Are you even listening to me?
She's--gotta great personality!
You make me sick.
In other words, she's a lot like you.
Hello young man.
Did he touch, boy?
*collective gasp followed by silence*
Not really, mom.
What do you mean not really? You touch him again, I'll have you arrested. We don't need no uppity strangers from some other land touching our kids!
I don't even--
How do you do, sir? My name is Torin.
Leave him alone. He ain't spoke to nobody in years.
Yes, I can see why.
It's you, Mrs Bitternut. You. In case that wasn't clear, you're the reason. Are you--you're not even listening, are you?
Hey boogle, let's go. And never return.
Be sure to join us next time when we hear Bobby Bitternut ask:
I don't know how that stain got there, mom!
The Bitternuts is not filmed before a live audience!
That was something. Hard to find any redeeming features in the Bitternut family. They have a picture of Escarpan Elvis hanging over their fireplace, so I guess that's something? Just to point out, every time the recorded studio audience laughed or clapped, the game would pause to allow them to do so, making this section pretty tedious.
Ah, well. Next update we get to meet Escarpa's second worst family!