Part 5: Udoiana Raunes: Update V - Ramble In The Jungle
Right, so now we have two of the three parts of the School Regulation Stone, and we only have one left to get. Only one problem: We don't have a fucking clue where to find it. We know it's with Schaffer, but we have no idea where he is. What we do however know is that we still have to fix Dad's TV, clearly a very pressing issue with the school system of Germany being on the verge of destruction by the insurrection of students with fascist ideologies. However, when we attempted to fix it, we were thwarted by a lack of light. Well, no longer! We now have a lighter, and it's got fuel, too! So off to the Amazon we go!
And here we are, with that bird still there and the TV decidedly un-fixed. But first...
I have just been enlightened!
Marvelous. Anyway, so we just use the lighter to light up whatever area we're at right now, so let's head inside the cabin and try that again.
Now I can see!
Now that the place has been properly illuminated, we can take a closer look at all of the parts. This essentially means that you're pixelhunting across the TV with nothing really to go by to guide you visually. We find a transistor, a light bulb, a battery... and a charred bit of cable! This must be the problem.
>Take charred cable
I can't get to it... there's too much junk in the way! I'll get rid of it!
Er... what? So, it seems that just rummaging around an electrical device might actually screw some things up and give you quite a bit of a shock. However, what one could not assume would happen is that the jolt would send you jolting through the air, crashing into a tree house that just so happens to have Schaffer in it.
Ah, a diversion.
- The school has been taken over by a brutal student regime!
- Please give me your School Regulation Stone!
- How did you get up here, Mr. Schaffer?
The school has been taken over by a brutal student regime!
I know! That's why I'm here!
How did you get up here, Mr. Schaffer?
Psychologists confirmed: A human is occasionally able to develop superhuman powers in a state of extreme agitation. I jumped.
If we ask that question, we get another set:
- Where did all these books come from?
- So how do you get back down from here?
Where did all these books come from?
I jumped with my suitcases!
So how do you get back down from here?
I've been asking myself that for two months now!
And finally, what we originally came here for:
Please give me your School Regulation Stone!
Here, take it. Go with my blessing.
Alright, we're done!
Whoops. Well, we could still pick it up, we just need to get down. And that we achieve by the most logical way possible:
Stand on a branch until it breaks. Now that we're back down here, let's pick up that piece of the School Regulation Sto-
...god damnit. Now, you'll notice that the satellite dish has gone a bit floppy on us. We'll have to fix that, but we also still need to gather the items Raunes Senior sent us to get.
Well, it turns out that now, there is a package just laying around in Schaffer's office back at the WHG.
And now we have a package! We also have some resistors from when we fucked around with the TV back in the Amazon.
>Look at resistor
An electric resistor.
>Look at package
The label says: "Contains: Autograph by Leni Riefenstahl, fascist t-shirt." What a coincidence!
What a coincidence, indeed. While we're here, we also need to talk to Jablonski one more time.
This time around, we have a new dialogue option to pick.
Your physiognomy is an original!
Indeed. We two see things the same way!
Physiognomy, if you're wondering, is "the assessment of a person's character or personality from his or her outer appearance".
We're back in a dialogue puzzle, so I'll just keep things short and go along the correct path, since the usual result of getting things wrong is just getting dropped back to the beginning.
- While we're on the subject of physiognomy...
- Being called an original isn't necessarily a compliment.
- Mr. Jablonski, you eat too much!
While we're on the subject of physiognomy...
Physiognomy lies within the domain of morphology.
That being "a branch of biology dealing with the study of the form and structure of organisms and their specific structural features".
- Morphology is the research of the form of creatures.
- Morphology is the research of the nutrients of creatures.
- Morphology is the research of the behavior of creatures.
- Morphology is fun!
Morphology is the research of the form of creatures.
Right. And physiology...
...is "is the scientific study of the normal function in living systems".
- Physiology is philosophy.
- Physiology is physiognomy.
- Physiology is psychology.
- Physiology is fun!
Physiology is fun!
Right. On to microbiology...
...which is "is the study of microscopic organisms, those being unicellular (single cell), multicellular (cell colony), or acellular (lacking cells)".
- Microbiology is not botany!
- Microbiology is not zoology!
- Microbiology is not anthropology!
- Microbiology is fun!
Microbiology is not botany!
Say, do you really believe that this idiotic guessing game on the reproduction level will help you gain my trust?
Yes, I do believe that.
You have a very optimistic way of looking at life!
I'm an optimist in every situation of my life.
Well, then you might be able to use this.
And now we have... a "Lettimznetop-Adapter"? What the fuck does that mean? That is not a German word at all! That doesn't even remotely sound like anything I've heard before! And when I enter it into Google, the only two things that pop up are the FAQ I was using to complete this game (for there is only one FAQ) and some weird Russian site mentioning potency pills - in German, they're called "Potenzmittel"... hold the fuck up. "Lettimznetop" is "Potenzmittel" backwards! Spoilers - we're going to be using this thing to fix the satellite dish and get it fully... erect again. Jesus Christ, I only now got that.
>Look at Ekojkcid adapter
You simply have to have tried it yourself.
Are the results that wonderful, Raunes? Anyway, we have the package, we have the part needed to fix the satellite dish, let's head back to the Amazon!
Now, we need to use the Ekojkcid adapter somewhere on this screen to fix the dish. We can't get back up to it. Where do we use it?
Just some random spot indoors.
>Use Ekojkcid adapter with satellite connector
It seems to work.
Hallelujah, the dish is back in all its rigid glory. And finally:
>Give package to Henry Raunes Sr.
Erm, OK, that was not the result I was expecting. Guess I need to talk to him first.
>Talk to Henry Raunes Sr.
- Father, all your orders were fulfilled as ordered.
- Do you know where the rock that fell into the river earlier went?
- So, dad! And where's my thanks?
Father, all your orders were fulfilled as ordered.
Good job, Junior. You're dismissed!
So, dad! And where's my thanks?
Don't call me "dad"! You've been spending too much time under the epidemical influence of the Americans.
Do you know where the rock that fell into the river earlier went?
That pizza-looking stone with the old inscription? Erm... no, never seen it!
- Father, you have it. I know it!
- I need this stone, father.
Pretty sure there's no difference here.
Father, you have it. I know it!
First, you have to tell me what it's for. It's my duty to find out whether its purpose conforms to my world views.
- It will defeat fascism. Death to the old Nazis!
- It will restore the humanist education system.
- It contains the original recipe for Pizza Funghi!
And at this point I'll just pick the right answer. Strap yourselves in, folks, this one's going to get long. There's some more "choices" along the way I'll just cut out since they're more of the "either continue or end the dialogue" variety and aren't really interesting.
It will restore the humanist education system.
Humanism is sick! Humanity is pathological! Equal rights are a virus...
FAAAAAAAAATHEEEER! You old fascist, you should have gotten tried in Nürnberg. I've been covering for you this entire time! If the Allies knew that one of these ancient reptiles is living here in the jungle, they'd have cleared the entire rainforest! Father, just what has made you become this narrow-minded, mindless follower?
Junior, I will not tolerate you...
Listen, father! I... I personally don't want to rule, nor own or conquer somebody, I want to help every human being wherever I can: The Jew, the heathen, the colored, the white. Every human - you too, father - should help the others, only that way can we improve the world. We should take part in the forture of others and not abhor each other. Hate and spite will never bring us closer together. There is enough room in this world for all of us and Mother Earth is plentiful enough to provide for every one of us. Life can be so pleasant and wonderful. You just have to learn how to live it again, father. Your greed has buried the good in you and your resentment has poisoned your soul and had you goose stepping your way to vice and bloodguilt. Father, why have you entrusted yourself to those barbarians, fiends that despised you and to whom your life was worthless. For them, you were nothing but a slave, you were drilled, fed, treated like livestock and were nothing more than cannon fodder. You were too good for those herd subjects, those machine men with their machine heads and machine hearts. You are not a robot, you are not an animal, you are a human. Keep your humanity in your heart and do not hate. Only those that aren't loved hate. The 17th chapter of St. Luke says: "God lives in every human." Never forget: "God lives in you as well, Father!" It is now in your hand to make this life of yours uniquely precious, to immerse it in the wonderful spirit of freedom. Therefore, father, in the name of democracy: Fight with us for a new world, a decent world, a world that gives everybody the same chance, a world that gives its youth a future and its old security. That is a goal worth fighting for. Down with oppression, hate and intolerance. Fight with us for a better world, a world in which progress and science work for the prosperity of us all. Father! Do you hear me? Wherever you may have found yourself trapped, do not despair! Father, the clouds are breaking, the sun is shining through, father! From darkness and gloom we can reach the light! To a new world, a world in which humans have freed themselves from greed, hate and brutality! Look, father, the souls of humanity have grown wings, they will rise to the skies, high up towards the light and the hope in the future, a future that belongs to me, you, us, every human there is! Look up, father, look up!
But I... oh God, what have I done!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have tears. And we also have a really fucking massive wall of text Jesus Christ what the fuck happened back there? Looks like a mixture of the speech at the end of The Great Dictator and some original stuff that just will not end, like somebody's being paid by the word or something. See, this is what happens when you make a comedy game in Germany and involve fascism, especially within the confines of school. You need to make double damn sure that the end makes it wholly clear that it's BAD BAD BAD. Not drilling it into the head of your players could end badly. That's also why we have the disclaimer at the beginning of the game. Reminder - text only goes about six or so words at a time. This block up there took several minutes. Alright, let's get to the end of this.
And we can only accomplish this with that holy stone.
Oh yes, yes! Please take it.
And there we go. Only one thing left to do.
>Use School Regulation Stone with two School Regulation Stones
It is done! The school regulation is complete!
This brings us back to the WHG, and now that we have the power of regulation...
OH GOD. What was that about there being room for everyone again?
And of course, we need to get a debrief from old Humboldt here.
Do not fear, my son! I have come to thank you. Your mission is complete: The students' mutiny has been defeated, the teachers have been made more conscious of their mistakes. The state of the most happiness possible has been restored. But for how long?
DUN DUN DUNNNNN. And that's the first Udoiana Raunes game! As the credits tell us, Zwanzger did every single graphic, did the story, led the project and had the idea. Wagner did the programming and also worked on the story. Winkler did the music, and Matthias Bermuth, a new name to us, did the sound programming.
The game was largely borrowing gameplay elements from the Monkey Island and Indiana Jones games by Lucasarts, to the surprise of exactly nobody.
Finally, here's a whole bunch of greetings. And that's it! However, that is not the end of Udoiana Raunes's adventures!
Next time, we'll be taking a look at the second Udoiana Raunes game, released in May of 2005, eight whole years after the first one, running on the same engine of the first game, where he tries to get Lucas and Spielberg to make another Indiana Jones movie, and you know it's going to be great just from that description!
Also, for added fun, go back and see just how many items we never used! Hint: It's a whole fucking lot!