Part 15: MONITOR - The Great Goblin Jamboree, Part The Second
The Great Goblin Jamboree, Part The Second
"Alright. The strategy is we creep into the houses one by one and fillet the goblins like trout before they know they're under attack. No survivors."
"You know, in an earlier, non-EA produced game, this sort of activity would be considered the unvirtuous way to do this quest."
"Fortunately, thanks to our new overlords, this is the only solution!"
"Now we're playing with power!"
"Wait, that isn't EA's slogan, is it? Sorry, I'm not very good at this."
"Less chatty bitches, more killing defenseless sleeping people who wouldn't even be a threat to us awake."
To be fair, that guy almost could've been a threat with that Magic Axe. That goes to Dupre, greating upping our ranged killing power.
See? We're practically tripping over Magic Bows. What we really need are good arrows, which get more plentiful over time. Seriously, by the time we're done with the first Ophidian city we'll probably be drowning in awesome Serpent Arrows, but we're not there yet.
The slaughter continues, although it's a bit hard to see. Here's a major glitch in the game I never figured out. As you kill the goblins, periodically an unarmed Pikeman will show up aggressive to the party. He's not a city guard, so this isn't a bizarre "goblins are flagged civilians" thing, it just seems totally random. They aren't prisoners either, as far as I know, because there is a prisoner in the camp, and he behaves normally.
So what's the deal? I don't know.
"Wow, Lord British was right about that change of pants!"
"We've seen plenty of dead people hacked to pieces before. We've even caused most of them."
"It's mostly the human blood in close proximity to a butter churn. My mind started making connections that ought not be connected."
The female corpse, which may or may not have been ex-Champion Knight Astrid, has a Sword of Defense. It's not a great weapon, but that's never really been its purpose; it's great for tanking, although for the most part there's nothing too dangerous that requires that much defense. Still, better than what I've got.
"Oh this is just delightful, really."
The goblins have a prison, although said prisoner is cowering way in the back right now. We'll be back for him once we have the key.
Finding a Fellowship Medallion in here is one of the more baffling loot things in Serpent Isle. There are two members of the Fellowship on Serpent Isle, both of them are alive and well and not caught or killed by goblins, and both still have their medallions. I guess Leon might have brought extras and lost them to raids, but it's still kind of out there.
"Look! Goblin women and children!"
"In my defense, they actually would have just blindly attacked me had I waited for them to wake up."
"This looks like Pomdirgun's pad. Pretty swank."
"For a goblin."
"I dunno, I've owned places worse than this."
"I suppose we could wake him to begin the climactic battle between goblin and man, but I'd rather root through his stuff while he's not paying attention."
And so, we do. The key there is for the prisoner cell, the Burst Arrows are Shamino's (lost in the storm and replaced by a goblin hairbrush), and the sausage is probably not something you want to eat given what's on Pomdirgun's plate.
Which reminds me, I need to properly arm the Avatar before this little fracas starts.
See? Diversified portfolio. And this is just cash on hand. If the goblins ran a savings and loan, I'd dare to call them more civilized than the Monitorians.
But then he wakes up and starts throwing axes at us.
"So, brave warrior come to kill King Goblin? Ha! We speak first..."
"Do we have to?"
"Me Pomdirgun, Warlord and King of all Goblins. Mine shall be last name thou wilt ever hear. Once land where Monitor built was Goblin land. Then Men come and take it. So now we kill them. Maybe one day build evil shrine instead."
"Maybe. Need to diversify assets. Maybe look into equity loan. One day we kill all Men. Today we kill thee. Ha! Then eat thee for supper! Mmm... Tasty!"
"Look, jackass, I could care less what you do to those steroid jockies, but I need that helm to beat this ga- quest."
"So! Simon told thee I had it. It is mine and I will keep it! Doth all of Monitor know Simon's secret?"
"Strangely enough, they all knew the instant I killed him."
"Then Simon dead. Was good spy. Didst thou eat him?"
"Were we supposed to?"
"I certainly don't think we were supposed to, but perhaps he would have expected it?"
"Eagh! Thou dost disgust me. Simon would not taste very good anyway. I will kill thee now."
Pomdirgun calls in the cavalry, a swarm of goblins from outta nowhere. You can kill every other goblin in the camp and these guys will still rush you, but fortunately Pomdirgun doesn't start talking until he's almost dead so he tends to get dropped before the goblins even get there to start fighting. As for the rest, well, the Firedoom Staff makes for indiscriminate slaughter.
Seriously, it almost slaughtered Steve and Shamino. Pomdirgun coughs up a second Magic Axe for Steve and the key to his vault.
"Hold on, I'm taking this guy with me because he's just that awesome."
I made sure to kill all the goblins, because I don't want this guy dying on me prematurely . This is Johnson the Pikeman, the sole survivor of the goblin encampment to be taken alive. How'd he stay alive? Mostly by being a tremendous pussy.
Before we start, let me note there's a book in the game written by one Johnson which advises: Anyone caught running away from a battle should be put to the sword immediately, lest others feel that they may let their womanish fears prevail. The true knight is not he who fights battles, but he who relishes in the spilling of blood. He who is enthralled with the smell of a bowel split wide, or the sight of anothers' blood staining his sword and armour, should be praised above all. This is what a true knight seeks. He is a true master in the arts of fighting.
"Please spare me! I shall do anything! I do not want to be roasted over a goblin's fire... Oh, er, hello there. My name is Johnson. Pardon mine outburst, but I thought thou mightest be a goblin. I was attempting to scare them, surprise them, before I rushed them. Thou art most fortunate. I might have accidentally killed thee had I not recognized thee as being from Monitor. I was going to kill as many of those green devils as I could before making my way back. Let us return to Monitor! We will be greeted with a hero's welcome for we will be the first to have survived, I mean, braved the goblin's lair."
On the way out, of course, we gotta loot the place. Those decorative swords suck, being decorative and all, but the cash and gems are the real deal.
Perhaps most critically, the Avatar has recovered the Helm of Courage, making her officially the most powerful and courageous of Monitor's Knights. Considering that Monitor's citizens never actually leave Monitor, couldn't notice a goblin tending their inn, and only ever manage to shank and poison one another, I'm not terribly surprised by this turn of events.
"Well, it feels good to be the champ again, even though I never actually wasn't. So what's with the scrolls?"
"Perhaps Pomdirgun is going into real estate."
"You may not be too far off, Shamino. Look at this!"
On the way out of the tunnels, Johnson expresses his discomfort.
Then his heart actually does explode.
"Johnson! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is the worst news yet!"
"What about the part where Lord Martsen and Spektor are planning to sell out the other commands to seize control of Monitor?"
"To be honest I don't really care that much about that part."