Part 56: FAWN - The NEW Companions Assemble!
The NEW Companions Assemble!
One final temple. This is the Temple of Ethicality. The one that doesn't seem to have a Bane Jail.
But there's not much left of it anyway. The temple's been all but razed.
"I guess it was too much to ask that the fountain would still be running after all this time."
"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a completely unrelated puzzle that tests your virtue and turns on the fountain at the same time."
"Does this happen to you often?"
"More often than it doesn't."
"Oh look some stairs going down into the temple where we'll probably find something."
"Well of course... we came in this way. Through the serpent gate?"
"Shut up, I'm being dramatic here."
"What have I gotten myself into?"
"Shut up, Iolo. Errrr, Mortegro."
The dead of the temple have many words of wisdom.
Those who desire to meditate need only kneel before the serpent.
The Ethical Man obtains his strength through Ethics. Hence, he is stronger as well as more daring. The Ethical Man would risk his life to save another man's life
On the topic of Wealth and Ethics: To be truly ethical, thou shouldst reject Wealth. Wealth corrupts the soul. It doth do so by placing a greater value upon goods and material possessions rather than upon the "anima", that is the living matter or spiritual matter. Spiritual kinship should be established as early as possible instead of the numerous tentative efforts by parents and the various communities to establish a Wealth kinship. Believing thou shouldst abide by rules of conduct, learning well and being of good rule and disposition are what will make an ethical Man of thee. Wealth turns too many men away from rules of conduct. Quickly enough, young men like thee become wastrels and haunters of alehouses, thereby losing their temporary possession, Wealth, but above all losing their richest dowry, their only true wealth, their soul. Ethics will prevent thee from following that path. Reject Wealth, my dear reader and most assured brother, and be truly ethical. I hope I have convinced thee, for if so, I have saved thee.
Never, NEVER, surrender to thine enemies. Fight to the death, but do not abandon thine Ethics.
'Tis a wise man that doth know the contented man is never poor, whilst the discontented man is never rich...
When a man finds no peace within himself, 'tis useless to seek it elsewhere...
Thou canst never teach a person anything. Thou canst only help him discover wisdom himself...
Guess whether any of these will come up? There's also a strange record on a body in the east side of the temple.
A SOLDIER'S NOTES
These sheep all went to their deaths with smiles on their accursed faces!
We pulled out their fingernails, seared their flesh with burning coals, peeled their skin back with rusty knives, gouged out their eyes with sharp sticks, and still they said nothing!
We must have the answer. But I cannot obtain the answer to my question now that they all lie dead. Could there be any truth to the old one's claim that "meditation leads to enlightenment?"
Whatever the answer may be, there is no time left. We must go. I have ordered the destruction of the temple -- there must be no trace of this structure left...
I really don't get why the Temple of Ethicality would be destroyed, since it's an Order temple. Perhaps the adherents of Ethicality opposed the war with Chaos, and were killed as a result? I really don't know.
It could be that the Chaos reprisal Shriash mentioned actually resulted not just in the destruction of Ethicality's forces, but the temple itself, and this note is from a Chaos soldier.
"Alright then, let's kneel by the serpent to meditate, or something."
"I'll hold your stuff until you get back."
"Get back? From where?"
"Oh, she's going to get teleported to some test or something."
"Yyyyep, saw this coming."
"It is my task to determine how far thine Ethicality hath already progressed before the test may begin. Dost thou wish to begin the test?"
"Will this turn the water back on?"
"Very well... Consider each question carefully before answering. Question One: If thou didst come upon one who was sure to die, would it be Ethical to risk death trying to save the doomed person? Or would it be more Ethical to flee before the same fate befell thee?"
"Yeah yeah, risk death, next question."
"Thou art correct. Ethicality demands that thou must seek to preserve the life of others, as thou wouldst thine own. No man's fate is certain while he yet lives. Thine actions can change the course of fate..."
"I said next question, bitch."
"Question Two: If thou didst come upon a room of untold wealth within a structure where thou didst not know if the owner lived, would it be Ethical to take the money if thou wert in sore need? Or wouldst thou leave the money to possibly be used for evil ends?"
"Hypothetically, what if I already did that?"
"That has no bearing on this particular instance."
"Oh, well in that case I'd leave the purely hypothetical riches."
"Thou art correct, seeker. Thou wouldst have no idea what the money was to be used for. Ethicality demands that thou not takest anything without permission, no matter what the need. If thou wouldst stand in judgment of another, thou must be sure of thine Ethicality. Finally, Question Three: If thou wert faced with the certainty of thy death at the hands of an unethical man, wouldst thou yield to him to save thy life? Or would Ethicality demand that thou shouldst continue the struggle unto death?"
"Come on, Avatar here? Of course I'd fight them."
"Thou art correct, and brave as well, seeker. Thou dost know that yielding to evil is to admit the dominion of that evil. Ethicality demands that thou shouldst maintain thy virtue and oppose evil, even at the cost of thy life. Thou hast answered well... Of all virtues, Ethicality is often the most subjective and tenuous. Thou art worthy to begin the test..."
"Begin the test? I thought that was the test."
Oh no, you only wish.
We've been teleported to an area without stuff, but we've been given some gold and a gem. The book tells us "The path to wisdom lies before thee. If thy deeds are as virtuous as thy words, thou shalt not fail."
There's some stuff in the chests, but we're going to want to ignore it, because that would be unethical in this one narrow case. Instead we move on to the next room, where a man is trapped in fire.
Technically speaking he's trapped in a Fire Ring, so you'd figure he'd be perfectly fine if he just stood still, but I guess the test wants us to do something actually heroic here and run through the fire to hit the button and put it out.
We're congratulated for being ethical, as if we had anywhere to go besides into the fire to save this faceless guy.
"I'm still not done?"
"I'm afraid not."
In the next area, we're told that giving up wealth is its own reward.
So we drop all the loot we were given. Again, it's kind of unimpressive since there's nothing to spend it on. You suck at temptation, Ophidians.
Run east a while, ignoring treasure, and if you've got none on you at the end of the hallway, you pass!
But of course we're not done. As you may have noticed the scenarios exactly match the questions you were asked, so this one will no doubt be...
"Well, well, well... If it isn't the Avatar! Fool! Thou didst think me dead... But now it is time for thee to die!"
A hopeless encounter with a villain!
Fight Batlin for a while and he'll "kill" you. Note that if you have God Mode/Power Avatar on, you won't be able to properly pass this test.
"Thou art nearly dead, Avatar! Yield to me, and perhaps I shall spare thy life! Dost thou yield?"
Surprise! You're not actually dead! Ultima's only done this a million times before and all.
"Is the water back on yet?"
"Yes, seeker. Drink f-"
"I must say that this water is quite ethical."
"Indeed, this is water which does no wrong."
There, now we've got three buckets of Order water and three treated Soul Prisms. We're set to kill the Banes, but we need to go track down the final member of the New Companions!!!
At The Ruined Sleeping Bull...
"Well met, Avatar! Hath vengeance been exacted upon Batlin for his evil deeds? Marvelous! The world will be a better place! Thou art worthy of Knighthood! I am now without a cause to champion. I see that thou art without thy companions. If thou wishest, I will join thee."
"I have no idea where this just came from but okay."
"Together, none can stand in our way!"
"Do I... you know, know you?"
Wilfred was apparently meant to show up somewhere before the Banes are released, as his dialogue largely reflects a pre-Banes situation. I have no idea where he actually is before this happens, though, and I somewhat suspect he isn't really anywhere at all. When you meet him for the first time, he acts like he's spoken with you before about Batlin and offers to join.
You can talk to him again and actually figure out who the fuck he is:
"I do not recall having met thee before... But I am certain that thou hast heard of me! Art thou not honored?"
"Who are you again?"
"What! Thou hast not heard of me? Where hast thou been all thy life, the frozen north? I am Wilfred, Knight of the Bear Command -- formerly of Sleeping Bull Inn."
"You're Devra's other son, then? Sorry about your mom, that was... well it wasn't really my fault."
"Well, if thou art so rude to ask..."
"Thou art the rude one!"
"Devra and Angus, proprietors of the inn, are my parents. I was born here."
"So why weren't you here when Dupre killed your family?"
"Well, as thou canst see... I am a Knight of Monitor. I am currently seeking the murderer of my father. He disappeared some time ago, and is presumed dead. I have been seeking clues since I was notified... Unlike my brother, Argus, who came running home to take over the inn."
"What Argus did is sometimes called 'being responsible.'"
"Thou shouldst say cowardly cur, instead! He was so glad of an excuse to flee his accusers in Monitor that he ran all the way to the inn when mother notified us of father's disappearance!"
"What manner of accusations?"
"There are many who say that Argus took bribes to look aside while illegal activities took place. When Argus heard Flessar repeating these things, Argus called him into a selfish duel and killed him! Of course, like the pack of dogs that they are, the Wolves declared it an accident. And their investigation of the bribes was more for show than anything."
"And this Flessar fellow was?"
"Flessar was a Knight of the Leopard Command. He was Templar's friend. He was also not nearly as skilled as my... brother, being many years Argus' junior. Templar was a Knight of the Bear Command, and my friend. Although his friendship with Flessar was unusual, in that they were from different Commands, it was inevitable that young Flessar would look to one of Monitor's best swordsmen for guidance. Alas, Templar's skill could not help young Flessar on the dueling field."
This is kind of a necessary resolution for the Argus subplot, but because Wilfred only shows up late, you kind of wind up not resolving it in any coherent way.
"Anyhow, tell us a bit about what you've learned, even though it doesn't matter anymore because Batlin and everyone else is dead."
"Why should I tell thee what I have learned? Thou mayest well be the murderer..."
"Hahhaha, is this guy for real?"
"Perhaps I was too hasty, Avatar. But I would see my father avenged. If thou art truly searching for my father's killer, then I will tell thee what I have learned. Mother mentioned that a guest -- a mage by the name of Batlin -- also disappeared the same night father did. I know for a fact that Angus hated mages and would never have gone anywhere with one willingly... or alive! The name Batlin stirred something in my brain, so I asked around Monitor before I left. And I discovered some very interesting things indeed. Batlin came to Monitor some time ago. He was accompanied by several unsavory companions -- one was a huge hooded man, like the one that mother mentioned in her letter. This odd party came asking about the Serpent ruins. The mage was unusually interested in anything to do with the Serpent people. And... After Batlin and his henchmen left Monitor, it was discovered that a valuable Serpent relic was stolen from Andral, the sculptor."
Most of this would've been marginally useful ages ago, but since it isn't now it's mostly just tedious. Sorry about that.
So that's Wilfred. He's a decent attacker with several downsides, which hopefully we'll see in a little while. He's also the only living trainer after the release of the Banes. He's not a very good trainer, but he kinda has a monopoly on this right now.
One last trip before we take on the Banes. To Fawn! Why Fawn? Well, it's there, and there's something we need.
"I believe Mortegro can't see shit."
Also, note the lack of quotation marks. Did Mortegro psychically project this line into my brain?
Zulith has a diary entry on his corpse:
I must seek out Voldin. He will know what can be done against the power that this "Mad" Iolo doth exhibit. I still can hardly believe what hath befallen me, Zulith, Chancellor of Fawn -- the most clever man on Serpent Isle: forced to flee from an insane mage!
Still, all is not lost: the treasure room is well hidden and I have one of its two keys. Lady Yelinda doth have the other, though I doubt she remembers it.
The so-called Serpent Armour is safe from that devil Iolo, and I still have my freedom and my life. Yet I cannot leave Fawn till I have secured all of the treasure!
Hah! 'Tis laughable to think about the titular ruler of Fawn -- Lady Yelinda -- a woman that hath the intelligence of a fish. 'Tis best that she spend the rest of her days trapped in Gorlab, the fool! She thought that I was merely redecorating her throneroom when in sooth I had constructed (with the help of a Moonshadian mage) an illusionary wall in the southeast room of the palace! That is where I had to store the Serpent Armour. 'Tis safe from all, I tell you!
PS: I must incorporate these writings into my diary lest I forget!
And that's what we needed to get. The Serpent Armor is one of the Hierophant's instruments, and now that Fawn is in ruins, we'll need to retrieve it from the Treasury. Unfortunately Zulith is dead, and so is Voldin. And so is, well, almost everyone. But the journal entry suggests Lady Yelinda is still alive... maybe she can help us find and enter the treasury?
Fawn has been overrun by rats. Everyone is dead with the exception of Lady Yelinda and one other. But in the City of Beauty, how could anyone have hoped to survive?
The answer may lie in the poems that Iolo has left scattered about the city:
Oh, Great Captains, my Great Captains! So powerful you were yesterday, so pitiful you are today. Rulers of the City are now prisoners of the Oracle. What a fate you might have met! Iolo is pleased that such powerful creatures as you, Great Captains, have lost power, herein uncovering the fools in them... ~Iolo
"I realize he went crazy and killed everyone where, which isn't entirely cool, but Iolo did kind of have a point about what a bunch of pricks the Great Captains are after they put him on trial for no reason."
Everyone is in search of The Lady of Fawn. For The Lady hath been lost since dawn. Barking their strange tune throughout the city, All of them, townsfolk and priests. Iolo did it, enjoying such feasts. Avatar, is it not pretty? ~Iolo
"Yeah, I'm gonna have to hit him for this garbage. Very hard."
Does Iolo know what became of Yelinda? What could he have done to her?
Kylista needs must speak with thee, Avatar, now that is interesting... Heretofore, she was in communication with the Oracle and now she wants thee. Is there any hidden meaning to this change of heart? Thou shouldst know the answer to that, Avatar. When a woman needs to speak to one such as thee, thou dost not want her to wait, Avatar, or dost thou? Is there anything we should be aware of? Thy good old friend Iolo wants to know, Avatar...
That's odd. The Oracle told Kylista something (I'm not exactly sure HOW since she was in jail, but this seems to be part of a dangling plot thread). But Kylista is dead... what if we go back and talk to the Oracle?
"It saddens me to speak the Truth to thee, stranger. Thy former companion, Iolo, hath fallen prey to the imbalance that plagues this land. He hath ripped Beauty from the soul of Fawn and driven it into the wilds. Seek out the one whose Beauty lies deep within. He will set thee upon the path to the lost soul of Fawn."
The one whose beauty lies within? Then the only survivor of Fawn was...
...poor hideous Ruggs.
"All is lost, Avatar! All is lost!"
"Where the hell is everyone?"
"All dead! Hast thou not seen their bodies heaped about the desolate buildings? I do not remember it clearly, for my sanity was lost when I found Delphynia's body. Lady Yelinda was also spared, but she hath gone into the swamps of Gorlab. I should have gone after her, but I did not. I alone remain in Fawn."
"But what happened?"
"What fell companion didst thou harbor, Steve? The Bard Iolo did come here, and he hath turned Fawn into a mockery..."
"It kind of already was a mockery."
"One can make a mockery of a mockery, I suppose."
"Mad Iolo, he doth call himself now! His eyes are all afire, and he doth act like a man possessed. Such cruel acts did he commit, that I cannot relate them lest my soul shrivel and die. Yet Mad Iolo did laugh the entire time..."
"We're sure he's actually possessed by a Bane, right, and not that he just snapped after four or five games of needless abuse?"
"Would I still get to kill him?"
"Oh, sure. Oh hell yes, we'd kill him either way."
"Then what does it matter?"
"There is nothing thou canst do -- all is done for, all is lost! The City of Beauty hath become the City of Blood and Ruin. Only I am left alive. Dost thou not see the irony? Only I, the ugliest of all, yet remain to dwell in Fawn!"
"I found her pitiful body dumped in the street, with her insides... twisted... torn out... She was long dead... I brought her body to where it is now. I could not leave my love to lie in the open, for the rats to gnaw."
He brought her to the conservatory and dumped her in the garden. I'm not sure how that was much better, Ruggs.
"But where did Lady Yelinda go? Why whould she abandon the city?"
"The Great Lady did flee Fawn in a terrible hurry, due to the Curse. All she left behind was her Diamond Necklace."
"She hath been made as disfigured as I am. Imagine, to plummet from Beauty to Ugliness! It hath driven her insane."
"But you say she left a personal object behind?"
"I did find the necklace lying in the throne room. But I did not take it, for it belongs to the Lady. And the rats shall not disturb it."
Funny thing: Ruggs seems to maintain his schedule, leading him to demand service in the tavern while the tavernkeeper lies dead and burning on the floor five feet away.
While here in Fawn, we can find a scroll on Leon's body. A rather depressing look at what the Fawn plotline would have been like:
Honor be to thee, dear reader. This piece of parchment is mine only means of communication with thee. Mad Iolo cruelly removed my tongue, that I might lead by example and not by words!
I am so disenchanted... I cannot bear the fact that I could not save the city from further plagues. Moreover, there is absolutely no sign of the return of Batlin.
What is going to happen? Thou shouldst tell me, I beg of thee.
The original plot of Fawn was that Iolo would rule the town with twisted metaphors. Thus he did what he did to Yelinda (you'll see in a moment), would have made Ruggs prominent, and cut out Leon's tongue for the aforementioned "lead by example" reason. I think a lot of Fawn would've died anyway, but much as Fawn wasn't very well fleshed-out before the Banes, it was largely ignored afterwards.
"A personal object belonging to a person we're trying to locate? Gosh, if only we knew a hound that could track!"
"What's that, boy?"
"Cantra fell down a well?"
"No, clearly he's saying Lady Yelinda is in Gorlab!"
"Yes, but Ruggs already told us that. To Gorlab!"
We manage to track Lady Yelinda down, but she's... not in the best of shape right now.
"Look what thy mad companion, Iolo, hath done to me!"
"You're even more hideous than I am."
"And that took some effort."
"He told me to tell thee that only thou couldst prove whether Beauty was skin deep."
"So he... ripped off your skin. That's the worst pun I've ever heard."
"I wonder if it's possible to kill Iolo twice."
"Thou must have some way to remove this foul enchantment! But... What have I to live for? My very heart hath been torn asunder! My people are dead! There is nothing left for me!"
"What, exactly, was Iolo hoping for me to prove?"
"How would I know the mind of a madman?! Perhaps he thought that thou didst have some magic with which to counter his cruelty. I am no mage, to tell thee such things! No one can restore the life to my people... Should I selfishly ask that mine own Beauty be restored when the life's blood of Fawn -- the city of Beauty -- lies dead in the streets?! If only the Comb of Beauty had not been stolen! Everything changed in Fawn after it was taken... Perhaps it was some token of the heavens. And this is my punishment for losing it!"
"Wait a second, the Comb of Beauty? That thing was actually important?"
"I thought it nothing more than a trinket... Passed down from the Lady Fawn herself, granted, but a bauble nonetheless. Only now do I see that it was the tradition, the duty, that I tossed aside as worthless. And now it is lost forever! I would give Fawn's greatest treasure if only I could find the Comb of Beauty!"
"Treasurrrrrrrrrrrre, you say?"
"Yes, I said that. It is an ancient piece of armour that was found near the Serpent ruin around which the palace is built. I do not know its significance, but we have treasured it ever since... as a sign of Fawn's strength."
"I wonder if the comb we took from Columna is the Comb of Beauty."
"Of course it is, it said so when we clicked on it."
"I recall a Lady Columna visiting Fawn a number of years ago! Now that I think of it... It wasn't long after that that I discovered the Comb missing! Yes, yes! It all fits now! She admired it greatly, and seemed a bit offended when I did not offer it to her... Of course she took it! Wilt thou give me the Comb? I will grant thee Fawn's greatest treasure, as I promised the heavens."
"Well we'd love to, but it's on display in our magic space museum, so I'd have to go get it."
"Not that we don't really love spending time with you, ma'am."
"Jorvin is dead! My love, mine heart's true desire! But... Perhaps it is for the best -- That he never see the depths to which mine ignorance hath plunged our city, or the mark of the guilt that weighs upon my features... Criminal ignorance! I listened to those who would mislead me! I let their compliments turn mine head... And never felt Love for the city that was in my charge! Even as I let the Comb of Beauty slip from the city, I have let all of Fawn slip into lifeless darkness!"
"Oh hey you're wallowing, sorry to interrupt."
"The storms grew worse and worse! Food was scarce... And a strange sickness crept through the city like some silent predator. One by one they fell... And there was nothing I could do! My pleas to the heavens were in vain! There was no fever. It seemed as if they were sleeping... It came without warning... Until, at last, no one was left to care for them. Many never woke from where they fell. And I was powerless! Powerless! The only other living soul is one I turned away -- One I deemed unworthy of Fawn's Beauty! Hahaha! What cruel joke the heavens have had at mine expense! I listened to the words of traitors and turned out good men, barring them from my protection! And now only the one called Ruggs lives... To taunt me with an empty city and my ruined Beauty! Such is the story of my life... Then I shall remain here, within this fetid swamp -- where I belong!"
"On a related note, I grabbed that comb for you."
"Thou hast the Comb of Beauty! Wilt thou give me the Comb? I will grant thee Fawn's greatest treasure, as I promised the heavens. In this one thing, at least, I can fulfill mine obligation."
Somehow the comb is able to put Yelinda's skin back on.
"Thank thee, Avatar! Thank thee for returning to me the Comb of Beauty. Take this key... And go to the southeast corner of the Throne Room. Seek the illusionary wall -- it will reveal the path to the treasure thou dost seek. The key will allow thee to open the gate to the Treasury Room. The armour that I did promise thee is stored there."
"Well done, my daughter. I shall take Yelinda back to her rightful place."
"Oh thank thee, kind monk!"
"Wait a second, why did I want to come back to my ruined and plague-infested city? God, am I just retarded?"
"I dunno. Thanks for the armor though."
"Is there any chance I could ke-"
And now it's off to the secret treasure room.
This place always existed, of course, but we couldn't get in there without the key Yelinda gave us.
So how lame is Fawn's treasury?
Not... lame... at all. Two Fire Swords, money, a Fire Wand, a Firedoom Staff, Infinity Bow, some Magic Armor pieces, gems and cloaks.
And the Serpent Armor worn by the Balance Hierophant. It looks like lame scale armor. It's not. That's what 12-year-old me assumed, filing it away in the 'bag of Hierophant bullshit' until the endgame.
But in fact, the Serpent Armor has more armor points than Magic Armor. This frees up another suit of Magic Armor, although I'm not giving it to Wilfred.
What? I have my reasons.
For some reason by ditching my stuff I was able to get out of the Test of Ethicality with the loot I gave up to pass the Test of Ethicality. Actually, you might get this stuff no matter what as long as you pass.
I guess virtue is its own reward.
Get this: I realized I never cast Dispel Illusion, so when Yelinda mentioned there was an illusionary wall leading to the treasury, I decided to try casting it and, get this... it works! Even though you can accidentally stumble into the treasury without dispelling the illusion, and once you've been told it exists, you can just pass through it anyway. You could find this place by mistake the first time you arrive in Fawn. Oh well, at least it does something.
This barely qualifies as a "cheat," but if you were wondering, yes, there is a Serpent Gate in Fawn.
Directly down a couple flights of stairs from the throne room.
NEXT TIME: It's time for the final showdown between the Banes:
Shamino the Anarch! MageLord of Moonshade, Oversensitive Asshole, Least Competent of the Banes. He managed to fail to kill half a dozen people. His compatriots were more thorough.
Dupre the Wanton! Leader of the Goblin Horde, Destroyer of Monitor, and Best Snakehead Guy Since GI Joe Stopped Airing. He left only Harnna alive. And Wilfred I guess.
Iolo the Mad! Lame Poet, Solver of Fawn's Douchebag Overpopulation Problem, Husband of Gwenno. His wife's been waiting to kick his ass since Ultima V. Will she get the chance?
Steve the Avatar! Avatar of Britannia, the Gargoyles, and Apparently the Ophidians. Empress of Monitor, Escapee of Freedom, Hierophant of Order by Default. Will probably also become Hierophant of Balance by the end of this nonsense, if only because nobody else wants or needs the job. Has the means to slaughter the Banes and is going to do it when she stops screwing around. Eventually.
and the New Companions!!!
Boydon the Shoddily-Assembled! Masterpiece of the Mad Mage. Uhhh, that's about it. Is technically sort of a member of the old companions.
Gwenno the Fat Chick! Wife of Iolo, Superior Bard Because She Doesn't Sing or Anything, Has an Awesome Parka. Is looking forward to caving in her husband's skull with a Juggernaut Hammer.
Petra the Metallic Barmaid! Server of Fish, Lover of a Dead Guy, Immune to Acid Allegedly. Still hasn't forgiven Steve for denying her the right to experience humanity. She might get to experience death at the hands of the Banes though, so there's that at least!
Mortegro the Necromage! Speaker to Spirits, Lover of Other Dead Guys, Not Technically Supposed to Be Here. Still thinks Steve is actually taking him back to Moonshade safely. Probably should be less trusting.
Wilfred the Slayer! He definitely won't turn around and run like a gigantic pussy the instant he gets hurt.
The Guardian! I'm not sure what he's still doing here.
The Great Earth Serpent! He talks to you while you pee.