The Let's Play Archive

Umineko no Naku Koro ni

by ProfessorProf

Part 187: The Seven Sisters' Valentine

The Seven Sisters' Valentine
Original Translation by 7HS of Touhou Danmakufu Wiki. Edited by tiistai and oath2order

BGM: Fishy Aroma

It must be larger than the average household bathtub.
...Naturally, since it's meant for stewing Human meat after all.
What's brewing in the pot? A deadly dish...? Or a disgusting method of torture...?
In the cauldron filled with hot water there floats a bowl, with several kinds of chopped-up, tasty-looking chocolate inside...

"Now then, madams and misses in front of the television, are you ready? Once the chocolate is heated and melted throughout, pour it into the bowl of cold water that we prepared beforehand. And then stir, stir and stir some more. If you do not take care, the edges will harden. Stir and stir, so that the once molten hearts of men won't grow cold."

...The host of this year's homemade Valentine's Day chocolate special seems to be truly enjoying himself.

"Since the tempering is complete, let us continue by squeezing the chocolate into bite-size circles. Look, is that not just perfect? Like a chocolate cookie, if I do say so myself."

With a practiced movement and elegant overacting, Ronove lightly pounded out chocolate medals one after the other.

"Next, ladies, please show me your originality by decorating it to your own taste. I shall merely suggest nuts as a basis. Almonds, pistachios, cashew nuts. Walnuts and tea leaves are wonderful as well. The demons' special recipe calls for it to be decorated with devil's trumpet seeds and angel's trumpet flowers. When he eats it, perhaps you'll mysteriously find out the name of the girl he likes! Valentine's Day is the celebration of a maiden's dreams...! I, Ronove, sincerely wish that you shall remember this wonderful and precious day for the rest of your life. Pukkukkukku!"

*Author's Note:* The seeds of devil's trumpet and the flowers of angel's trumpet are poisonous to human bodies. Don't eat them!

"But of course. Because Humans will be eating the chocolate this time, let us not use any poisonous plants. Once you cool this in the refrigerator, it is complete. Now, a round of applause for our lovely ladies. Pukkukku!"

Ronove placed the chocolate in a beautiful decorative box, suitable for presentation to his mistress, Beatrice.

"It would be best if Milady were to make her own Valentine's chocolate, but there are times when this shoddy chocolate of mine can capture a gentleman's heart as well."

Apart from Beato's share, there was still plenty of chocolate left over.
Ronove brought his hands together, and the sound of his clapping echoed throughout the kitchen.

Beelzebub was the first one to appear, appearing from the water-filled cauldron with a splash.

From inside the refrigerator and the pots, from here and there and everywhere, hands and feet began to emerge and the Seven Sisters appeared one after another.

"Spying on you was shameful..."
"Think nothing of it. After all, the seven of you are maidens. It is only proper for a maiden's heart to throb faster on Valentine's Day! For all of you to be so curious, that is only natural."

"Ronove-sama~, can I eat it? I wanna eat it, I wanna eat it now!"
"Geez, can't you act more like an adult, Beelz?! Don't count your chickens before they hatch!"
Satan scolded the excited Beelzebub. The Seven Sisters of Purgatory were lively as usual today.

"Not so hasty, everyone. I said that I would share this chocolate with you, but I did not say a word about letting you to eat it."
"E-eeeeeeeeeeeeeh...!! B-but... Chocolate we can't eat, that's too much, it's torture!"

"Do not be disappointed, everyone. This is Valentine's chocolate, is it not? It is chocolate for that wonderful day when a woman gives chocolate to a man."
"I-I see... So, should we hand this chocolate over to a man?"

"You are mistaken, Lucifer. It is not ‘handing over'. It is giving a present to the man who is foremost in each of your hearts. Is it not the long-awaited Valentine's Day? This world is but a twisted place in which you exist to kill or be killed! Is this not a precious behind-the-scenes interlude? Please, allow yourselves to enjoy the bittersweet feelings of a young maiden's heart. This is the gift that I wish to share with you."


The Seven Sisters were surprised by this unexpected development.
So instead of gouging the opposite sex with their stakes, they should give them chocolate...

Since the affairs of love and lust are Asmodeus's number one interest, her cheeks flushed red as she giggled gleefully.

"My, my. It seems Asmo is the most enthusiastic. Let us congratulate her. Now, all of you, one by one, If nobody of the opposite sex who interests you, the same sex is fine. Anyway, definitely give it to somebody. If you do not..."
"If we do not...?"

Lucifer asked timidly... But Ronove did not answer, merely smiled with a grin. On occasions like this, Ronove can be quite terrifying.
If you complain too much, you might get scolded. When he smiles, you had better play along.

Thus, the Seven Sisters were given Valentine's Day as their duty...

""""""Yees, Onee-sama!""""""

When Lucifer ordered the deployment, the Seven Sisters popped out all at once and dashed out of the kitchen as if flying, the clatter of pots and pans sounding behind them.

Now then, to whom will each of the Seven Sisters of Purgatory give their chocolate...?

It is quite an ordinary thing for them to pierce and gouge with a stake; this dangerous task is their exclusive specialty. But giving chocolate is something they have no experience with.
Even when ordered to give it to somebody, it isn't such a simple matter to decide on the partner.

However, it seems that Asmo, with her head perpetually filled with romantic thoughts, has already made her decision long ago.


"Hehheheheh~? Of course I have~! It's the prince on the white horse who made his appearance in EP4! Of course, I'm talking about Amakusa Juuza-sama!"

"...Ah, Amakusa. Haa... Figures, I didn't think of him..."
"Who do you think you're talking to, Onee-samas?! Of course I checked out all the new male characters~ Isn't Juuza-sama wonderful? He's such a hottie, and he's so stoic and a little wild too but despite that he's not unfashionable... Aah, that's it, I'm going first~!!"

As soon as she said that, Asmo transformed into a stake and flew off.
Being curious about how giving the chocolate would go for her, the other sisters followed her.

...Pretty straightforward... or, more like, it was a total frontal assault.

"T-that courage... Isn't she the least bit flustered by this?!"
"I heard that men fall to the first taker... I suppose the whole sniping-from-the-shadows strategy isn't popular nowadays..."
"Shouldn't she be a little more bashful about it?! Ah, jeez, she was totally upfront about it! Kids these days...!"

The elder sisters were quietly muttering about her from the shadows.

Amakusa was not embarrassed and received the chocolate with a smile.
...The way he did it, like he was used to this sort of thing, may be irritating to men but from a woman's perspective it's suave rather then suspicious.

"<Thanks, cute> young lady. Did you make this yourself?"
"Yup, that's right. I made it just for your sake, Amakusa-sama~!"

"T-that girl, lying with a straight face...!"
"It's impossible for Amakusa to tell whether Asmo really made it herself! It's Devil's Proof!"
"But that damn Asmo, she sure seems used to this... She must've practiced until it's second nature to her."

"What the hell are we doing?! Have we been outdone by our youngest sister?! Aren't you ashamed?!"

As expected of Asmodeus of Lust. She used a shortcut to bypass the whole galge and had gotten a perfect score.
Happily sitting side by side with him and unwrapping the packaging, she treated Amakusa to Ronove's specially made chocolate.

"Here, Amakusa-sama! Say aaah~~?"

"S-she really is something else... This is the first time Asmo's made me shiver like that..."
"Mmm~, that really looks tasty. Whyyy do I have to give it away? I wanna eat it myself!"
As usual, Beelzebub of Gluttony grumbled about having to give the chocolate away.
However, Amakusa's next words caused her ears to perk like a cat's.

"Oh wooow, really, Amakusa-sama!! Kyaah, I can't wait, kyaah~!!"
Asmo leapt to her feet with delight at the promise. And in the shadows, Beelzebub also leapt to her feet with delight for a slightly different reason.

"That... That's right, if I give chocolate as a present, on White Day I'll get three times as much back! It's like rags to riches! If I'm patient now, I'll get a lot more back on White Day! Beelz, you're no fool, you can definitely endure this for a month if it's for the sake of sweets!"

Beelz considers the time between Valentine's Day and White Day, calculating whether she can endure the sacrifice of chocolate for the profit it will bring later.

The moment she figured that out, she took action. In short, from whom does she want a return gift on White Day? The partner receiving her chocolate was very easy to imagine.
In other words, it was the one who would make the most delicious return gift on White Day.


"Oh, yes, Gohda-samaa. I made the best chocolate I could, thinking of yooou. Please eat it~!"

Sure enough, she gave it to Gohda... "What a self-interested girl", grumbled the other sisters.
Unlike Amakusa, Gohda did not seem to have much experience with receiving Valentine's chocolates. He seemed to be rather bewildered.

"Oh, hahaha... I never imagined I'd get such delicious-looking chocolate from such a young girl at my age... I'm a little embarrassed, nahahahaha..."
"C'mon, eat it up, eat it! Then on White Day, please give me three times as much back! Won't yooouu?"
Gohda ate the chocolate in a single gulp, his face completely red.
...But his cheeks returned to normal in an instant. ...Oh no, was it not delicious...?


"Y... yeah, that's right. I made it!"
As Beelz shamelessly lied, Gohda stood up straight... There was nothing uncertain about his expression.


"It's been a long time since such a taste has awoken me, Gohda, from mediocrity. This skill... This is a challenge, young lady! Whooooooooah! Such splendid chocolate from such a young girl! One month remains until White Day! I must depart for Belgium for training immediately! I, Godha, shall not be defeated by a taste such as thiiiiiiiiiis!!"

"I get it. Well, the basic idea, anyway. Since there's no avoiding it, I'll be giving my chocolate away as well."
"Eh, what, Mammon...! Who are you giving it to...?!"
Without answering, Mammon turned into a stake and flew away with a clatter.

"It's not just for you, share it with Ange-sama... speaking of which, where is Ange-sama?"
"Uryu, she said she wanted to give chocolate to Battler and Amakusa, so she went shopping in Ginza."
"Ah, so Ange-sama would rather use her money then make it herself. Well, I'm sure she'll be back before long."

"I'm sure Ange won't expect to get her own share of chocolate! Let's surprise her!
"That's a nice idea. Afterwards, why don't we invite Lady MARIA too? There's no rule against girls eating chocolate on Valentine's."
"Uryuu! I want to eat it, Mammon's chocolate, I want to eat it soon, uryuu!"
"*giggle* Why not have your bite now?"
"I will!"

"Hehehe, as for what I'd like to bite... Aah, Sakutaro, I can't hold myself back anymooore, I'm gonna fluff you up~?"
"Ugyu?! Gyaah! Stop it, Mammon~~, ugyu~, uryu~!"
"Fluffy, so fluffy~! Aah, hey hey, can I nibble on your ears too...?"
"No, you can't, you can't, uryuu~~~!"

"While this is a pretty heartwarming story, she's just casually hogging him even though Sakutaro belongs to aaall of us!"

"Who's next? It feels like we're going from youngest to oldest."
"...In that case, I will go next."
"Belpha, you have an idea?"
"There's no man who is foremost in my heart, so to speak, but I do have a connection to a Human."
"Oh, I get it."

The next one to fly away was Belphegor. As for the Human she had a connection with, it couldn't have been anyone other but Rudolf.


"I don't know whether it's proper to give chocolate to a married man, but please accept this as acknowledgement of a worthy opponent."

"Y-yes, well, I'm doing as usual."

"You're way too honest for a she-devil... I've seen many women like you who burden themselves with needless responsibilities. It looks like you're having a hard time, so that's the reason I worried."
"...T-there is nothing to be concerned about. I am exemplary furniture, so I did my duty."
Normally, no one worries about Belpha, so when Rudolf was open-minded enough to be concerned about her, she was bewildered. Kindness is her weakness.

"Not so honest anymore, are you? That side of you is pretty cute."
"Wh-what do you mean I'm not honest... H-hey, you're getting too close... You stink of tobacco...!"

"What do I mean...? Lend me your ears and I'll whisper it to you..."
"M-my ears? V-very well..."

...Rudolf's mouth moved toward her ear, and...

"Uwa, uwauwauwa... o-obscene... hahiih~!"
"Luci-nee, this isn't something we should be watching! That bastard, he's got a wife and he's still putting the moves on her! ....Huh? Where's Levia-nee?"

Indeed, if Belpha gave her chocolate to Rudolf, there's nothing strange about her giving hers to Kyrie.
I didn't expect I'd be the one getting chocolate, Kyrie thought with a wry smile.

"Who would have thought I'd get chocolate from another girl... But thank you. I appreciate it."
"I, who rule over envy, lost in a fight against your envy. For the time being, I acknowledge your superiority."
"I don't really want to be acknowledged for something like that, though. My, how wonderful. Is this handmade? It looks delicious."
"It certainly is. After all, Rudolf also said it was delicious when Belpha gave it to him just now."
"...Eh, what? What did you say?"

As Kyrie asked again, still with the same smile on her face, the temperature kept dropping below zero.
Levia was eager to fill her in on the details.
The two of them sat down next to each other, the chocolate was handed over, and their shoulders drew near...

"Hey, are you really fine with it, isn't he basically cheating?"
"Eh? *giggle*giggle*, it's nothing like that. Rudolf-san is devoted only to me, he would never be cheating. 24×365×2349875663495733..."

With a smile icy enough to send liquid nitrogen drifting through the air, Kyrie stomped away. Levia followed after her, cheering her on.
It was the most fitting way of giving chocolate for Leviathan of Envy...

After that, the only two remaining were Lucifer and Satan – the two of the Seven Sisters of Purgatory famous for being obstinate.

Although she hadn't decided who to give her chocolate to, Belpha and the others had given her an idea just now.
She decided to hand her chocolate to the one she had fought, as well.


Kanon gave his cold response after giving the chocolate just a single suspicious glance.
Since the other sisters' chocolates had been casually accepted and praised, and only hers was rejected, Satan was most upset by this.

"W-why didn't you just shut up and accept it! It's not like I'm giving you anything weird, it's normal chocolate, so just take it!!"
"There is no reason for me to accept something like that from you."

"I mean, it's... for Valentine's Day, you know. Isn't that good enough?! Just accept it! Do you like humiliating girls?! You milksop!"
"Wh-what is this...! Did you come here just to make a fool of me?!"
Insults like pathetic or unreliable are like a red rag to Kanon. His anger quickly reached the boiling point.

"Get lost! I refuse to accept anything from you!"
"Yikes...! Wh-what are you so angry about?! I'm leaving as soon as you accept the chocolate...! Just take it!! This isn't fun for me either, you know!"

Satan could no longer conceal her bewilderment that all her younger sisters had succeeded, yet she could not. Gritting her teeth and wishing for nothing more than to run away, she shoved the chocolate at Kanon.
...Kanon was also bewildered by how the chocolate was being forced upon him.
Suddenly, Jessica's cheerful voice could be heard coming from somewhere...

"...Wait, what?! Y-you, you're one of those Seven Sisters of Purgatory!"
Jessica dropped the elegantly wrapped box she had brought to give to Kanon, and thrust her hands into her pockets. They came out in attack mode, a brass knuckle twinkling upon each hand!

"Wh-why am I the only one with no luck...! None of my younger sisters had any trouble...!!"
"Don't you dare touch Kanon-kun! Go away, you witch's furniture! By yourself, you don't stand a chance against me and Kanon-kun!"
"Y-you...! Don't get so cocky!"

"Wh-why did this happen...! D-didn't I just come to give you chocolate?! Isn't it Valentine's Day?! Why do you have to look at me like that?! Why am I the only one with no luck?! Everyone else had it easy, why not me?! Why, why, it doesn't make sense! Uuuuuuuu...!!"

"You're the one who doesn't make sense! Your chocolate's probably poisoned or something. As if Kanon-kun would ever eat something like that!"
"Gh... nnnnggg! I'm begging you to accept this, why do I have work so desperately to hand over my chocolate, just how much are you going to humiliate until you're satisfied?! You shameless idiots, I'll remember this, I'll kill you next time for real!!"

Satan hurled the box at Kanon, her red-hot face twisted with vexation, and burst into a swarm of golden butterflies.

"......Wh...what's with her?"
"And stay out! Grrrr!"

Jessica growled at the empty space where Satan had disappeared, while Kanon continued to be perplexed.
The box Satan had thrown lay at Kanon's feet.
...As he wondered whether he should pick it up, Jessica grabbed it immediately.

"You definitely can't eat that demon's chocolate! I decided the moment I came. I'm getting rid of this personally!"
"...I can do it myself..."

With that strong conviction written plain on her face, Jessica snatched away the box.
Kanon didn't understand why Jessica was so determined to take that demon's chocolate.

"...Anyway. What did she come here for?"
"She's a demon, she definitely came to work some magic on you...! Ah, f-f-forget that, Kanon-kun, th-this is for you...!"
Why had Satan's chocolate provoked such a commotion...??
Still confused about the situation, Kanon was suddenly dragged into another commotion by Jessica as she kept going on and on about her chocolate gift being the obligatory sort...

"Uuuuu, hic, hic....!"
"Oh woow, Satan-oneesama, how shaaameful!"
"She couldn't even give a lousy piece of chocolate, how piiitiful!"

Since Satan hadn't succeeded, she suddenly became frightened that she might not as well.

...What do I do, what do I do! Ronove will get mad at me if I don't give my chocolate to somebody! And my sisters will never let me hear the end of it...!

"I, I wonder what I should do... There's no man who would take it without a fuss..."

"...Should I get rid of it and pretend I've given it to someone?"
Yeah, that's probably best...
While they're busy tormenting Satan, I'll secretly dispose of this...

"We know what you're thinking, Luci-nee!!"
The Satan-tormenting time had already come to an end.
And Satan had guessed that Lucifer would try to run off on her own in the midst of the chaos.

"She always bosses us around, then disappears when it's time to do her part! Come on, you all! Don't let Luci-nee escape!"
"""Yeees, Onee-samaa!"""
On Satan's orders, the younger sisters surrounded Lucifer, who collapsed to her knees in fright.

"Sooo, Lucifer-onee-sama. Who are you going to give your chocolate to, I wonder? Surely the eldest of us has an appropriately graceful and wonderful Valentine, oozing with love, to show us...?"
This is bad, I'm trapped... Wh-what should I do... I don't have anyone to give it to... what should I do, what should I do...

Lucifer turned pale. It was plain as day on her face that she wanted nothing more than to run away.
The younger sisters jeered at her, demanding to know who she'll give the chocolate to and how. Trembling, their eldest sister hung her head in despair...


"Wh...... Ushiromiya Battler...!"

"Yup, that's me~ You Seven Sisters of Purgatory sure are all good friends. Isn't that right, everyone!?"
""""Yees, we're all good friends~!""""
Hurriedly, Lucifer wiped away the tears that had appeared in her eyes.

What's that box? Ah, I get it, it's Valentine's Day after all! Hehe, even with your usual cold-blooded talk, you have your cute side as well."
Battler had noticed the box of chocolate that Lucifer was holding and grinned.
...Ah, this is a golden opportunity. Battler seems to be in a good mood, so he might unexpectedly accept...

"U....... Ushiromiya...... Battler!"
"Huh? What's up, ass nee-chan?"
"I-I'm not ass nee-chan, my name is Lucifer...!"
"Oh, sorry, sorry. Well, Lucifer-chama, how can I help ya?"

"...He... he-here..."
With her face red and her arms trembling, Lucifer thrust the box of chocolate at Battler.
Battler, insensitive as he often was, quickly grasped the situation.

With the utmost seriousness, Lucifer pushed the chocolate at him.
She was frantic not to be teased by her younger sisters, should she fail.
The younger sisters watched with malicious smirks on their faces. But, in silence, they seemed to support the courage of their sister.
Battler winked, with the smile that was his family heirloom.

"Thanks. Just for today, I'll forget about the gouging and killing and make peace with you. You have my gratitude."
"Oooooooh", the younger sisters' voices rose in a cheer. Only Satan clicked her tongue in disapproval.
As for Lucifer, Battler was no less then her messiah with a sparkling halo above his head.

"This is great! Did you make it?"
"W-well, um, more or less..."
"Yep, it's tasty alright! Thanks, Lucifer. You've got a knack for cooking. Ever thought about stopping this cold-blooded killer business and becoming a housewife instead?"
"...Hmph.... That's an inexcusable insult to furniture such as us."
"I'm just kidding! Well, thanks for the food! I'll return the favor on White Day, <see you again>!

Realizing that any more compliments were likely to spoil the mood, Battler took his leave with those pretentious words.


"...Guess it's not so easy to take Luci-nee down a notch..."
"She really lucked out to have Battler just conveniently appear like thaat!"
"Luck is also a skill! Ah, wonderful, wonderful, truly wonderful. The Seven Sisters of Purgatory have completed their task! Ronove-sama will surely praise us."
"Everyone except that clumsy Satan-nee, right?"
"Ah, that went as planned too! Giving it like that counts too!!"
"Yeah, Satan's technique is pretty advanced. She's the queen of tsundere. Except without the dere."
"Splendid, we Seven Sisters of Purgatory! Come, come, let us report our success to Ronove-sama!"
""""""Yees, oneesama!!""""""

Thanks to Ronove's chocolate, the Seven Sisters were able to pass this day pleasantly...

"How wonderful. You must have had an entertaining day. You are all dismissed; congratulations on your success."
"Thank you very much, excuse us!"

In truth, even before receiving the report, Ronove had known everything.
For him, rather then the sweetness of the chocolate, the variety that the chocolate had given to their day was far sweeter.

"Pu ku ku. This is indeed the most bittersweet day of the year... It's fine to have a story like this every once in a while, is it not? Sharing that chocolate was truly a worthwhile experience for me, as well... Huh? The punchline? Ah, but of course. The starring role belongs to none other than Milady Beatrice. Please, put her on camera. Pu ku ku!"

Ronove snapped his finger, and the stage turned dark.

BGM: Towering Cloud in Summer

Battler's good mood had been completely exhausted by the time Beato found him.
She was holding a very luxuriously decorated present box.

"You're not seriously giving me chocolate, are you..."
"*cackle*cackle*, know the honor and the glory of being presented Valentine's chocolate by me! Accept it upon your knees!"
"As if receiving a Valentine's present from you is something to celebrate... You're a witch. It's probably got some strange poison in it."

"How rude. No matter what you may think, I am a witch who can read the atmosphere. I would've loved to mix in some medicine that would make you all submissive? but I am not one to rely on heresy such as poisons!"

"...That's not particularly reassuring... Well, I'll accept your feelings. That doesn't mean I'll eat it."
"Eat it up, eat it up. I put my heart into making that!"
...Beato was also shamelessly lying about the chocolate Ronove had made.

"I see. If it's handmade, I guess there's nothing strange about it... Well then, let's check out the cooking skills of the Golden Witch."

Handmade by Beato...
Although he doubted that, as a man he couldn't cause a woman hardship by refusing her chocolate. Battler decided to let Beato save face.

"*cackle*cackle*! Now, open the box, and behold!"
"There we go. ......Huh? This is...."
"How's that! Delicious-looking chocolate! Handmade by me!"
Battler stared. It was exactly the same as the chocolate he'd received from Lucifer just a few minutes ago.
Hadn't that chocolate been handmade by Lucifer???

"Oi, just a minute, Beato. Did you really make this?"
"Yup, I did! I made it with my heart full of my feelings for you!"

BGM: Dread of the Grave

"Nngh?! Wh... wh-wh-why?!"

"Lu-Lucifer? Why Lucifer...???"

"That Lucifer's chocolate was certainly delicious. She may be a cold-blooded killer but the chocolate she makes is delicious. If she became a little more graceful, she'd make a great wife. I was touched by her feelings and intend to return them on White Day. But what the hell are you?! You're someone who lies about making chocolate themselves! I don't need chocolate from a liar like you!"

Battler turned on his heels and walked away.
Sobbing loudly behind him, Beato had no idea how her lie had been exposed.
But she did know one thing – Lucifer had been connected to it in some way.
"Lu-Lu-Lu-LuciferrrRrrRRrr, my worthless furniture... You dare tattle on me to BattleeEerrr!! Wait a minute, it was Ronove's chocolate in the first place, so that jerk was lying about making it herself too! I'll beat you, punish you, torture yooOOUU!!"

And so did the Valentine's Day of the lying witch come to a close...