Part 4: Chapter Four: Death, death, death and cookies (and death).
Chapter Four: Death, death, death and cookies (and death).
Ugh. This chapter is BRUTAL. I hope you guys like to watch a man die about nine horrible, messy deaths. Well, let's start the pummeling...
Finished with the greenhouse, we head to the building on the right.
"Dogs" You say to yourself, "Why did it have to be dogs?"
Aw, are you nice doggies? Do you want a salami?
They weren't nice doggies.
So we won't be nice either! Suck lightning!
At this the dogs recoil, they put their tails between their legs and scamper away. The door is now unguarded.
I still think the salami should have been used in this puzzle but whatever. Let's continue.
You feel the presence of long dead worshipers
Not even god is safe from our looting ways!
Cool! Let's go down there.
So? We can take 'im.
Dammit! Just let me down there!
I. WANT. TO. DIE.
I love the way the game says this.
A couple things about this death. First of all, yes you really have to try to go down there four times before it lets you. Second, it is possible to get to here with the "spider cider" still in your inventory. But I highly doubt it would do anything. Anyway, back to the show!
Instead of feeding ourselves to a giant spider, we cast a spell.
Let the door be opened for this poor strayed lamb, but he must not travel in darkness.
What's all this bullshit about not traveling in darkness? What kind of wimps does he take us for? Off we go!
See? Who needs light?
For those keeping track, this is the third time we've been ripped apart in this update and the forth time in the whole LP. It only gets worse from here.
This time, we take the nice statue's advice and light some candles.
Joy. Now we can enter the maze. I'm overjoyed.
You feel that are lost in a very strange place. We just entered the place and we're already lost. This is going to be GREAT fun. Anyway, we head up a little and find this stone thing.
Thank you. As usual, your commitment to giving completely unhelpful hints in astounding.
After wandering around for a bit, we find this slightly less useless tablet.
And then this one, which leans back into cryptic-land.
Further exploration (wandering) leads to this tombstone. I was getting pretty cranky at this point, so I hit it.
I should have seen that coming. So, I decide to handle this the same way as every other supernatural creature. Punch it in the face!
And, just like my other attempts at hand-to-hand combat, I die.
Instead, I try using the pendant on it.
Hell yeah! That'll teach you to attack me for... vandalizing your... grave... Oh god, I'm an asshole. Also, I had some screencap woes with this. Please excuse the weirdness in the first picture. Well, time to wander some more!
He's descended to the shadowy gates of hell.
The narrative here depresses me deeply. I realize that life and, in fact, all creation is meaningless and transient. Filled with deep sorrow, I decide to just get it over with and crawl into the coffin.
The sweet release of death is welcome, but we have work to do. And by work I mean wandering around.
I feel as if I've... checked this tombstone before.
On the tombstone are the words, "A rose is but a rose..." You wonder what the message could possibly mean.
No, I do not wonder. What do you take me for, someone who hasn't played the game before?
I better get something good for all this bullshit. Who puts graves in the middle of a giant maze anyway?
Whatever is inside probably wants to kill me, but I unlock the cage with our (surprisingly versatile) key.
Oh fuck, here it comes...
AAAAAAAAAAgetitoffgetitoffgetitoff-huh? Normal animals? That don't want to kill me? Weeeeeird. They look kinda hungry though. Want a salami?
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE WANT MY SALAMI!? I say that WAY more than I should.
Ok, now that I know that the animals are apparently vicious killing machines, I decide to thin out their ranks in order to increase my chances.
I just got killed by a CAT. This game is really reaching now. But still, if the cat is such a mighty killer, it might be handy to have it around. So, I grab it.
OH GODDAMMIT! Now I'm getting killed by BIRDS! I know it'll get me killed, but I grab the bird.
I'm... I'm alive? Hell yeah! I'd feel sorry for the cat, but that fucker ate me so it can go fuck itself. Time to move on.
There is some kind of jewel behind it.
This thing kinda creeps me out, so I punch it in the face.
Whoa, this thing is tough! Time for my secret weapon! I'll use the bird to gouge out it's eyes!
It gave chase to eat it. Well, there you go.
Hmmm, that didn't go quite as planned, but the result was the same.
It's nice to finally get some real loot around here! Now, time to clear out!
This magic word probably can carry you instantly from the inside of the maze to it's entrance.
Handy! Now that we're FINALLY done here, we head back to the backyard and go to the final building.
Hmmm, the door won't open. Then I see that weird hole right above the door. A hole that's the perfect size for... for... for my jewel. Goddammit! Just when I finally get some decent loot, they make me use it in some stupid puzzle. Ugh, FINE! Take the fucking jewel.
Suddenly the jewel begins sending off sparks. You get the feeling that the silver orbs have something to do with this.
Yay. Can I have my gem of incomprehensible value back now?
Fuck! Well, let's enter the stupid, stealing door.
It seems to be some sort of guardian. You hear it hiss something about food.
Well, this guy doesn't want my salami either ( ) so I decide to con the asshole by giving him the weird fruit from the greenhouse.
It attacks the fruit and swallows it down with one gulp. Satisfied, the hideous creature belches and disappears.
Heh, see ya sucker. Enjoy the last few moments of your life! Now, this brings me to a new segment: Mysteries of Uninvited! In today's episode we examine the door on the left there.
As you can see, it's a very plain door. It is also impossible to open using any means within the game that I know of. You don't need to enter it to beat the game, but it still bugs me immensely.
Anyway, let's head right.
There's almost nothing here, but we DO steal that book.
Good, I was worried that I would have to READ again. Anyway, now we head to the much more interesting room to the north.
You wonder what kind of experiments were performed in here. Science is the devils work! Begone with your heretic ways!
Ok, time to check out that safe in the corner.
Relax dude, we know that whole "sister trapped in mansion" thing was a ruse. Nobody cares anymore. Anyway, the safe is locked with a six digit code. I try the first code to come to mind.
That didn't work, so we'll have to try to figure it out. This requires some logic. The safe is in a lab. Labs are for nerds. Nerds like to read. With these facts, we determine that the code is in a piece of reading material. Specifically the scroll that said that gold, silver and mercury would make a key. When combined with the card that lists the atomic numbers of several elements that we found in the last update, we get the code 794780. Let's try it! Also, I DID solve this on my own on my first playthrough. No GameFAQs for ME!
Hell yeah! What do we get? Money? Jewelry? The deed to the house?
A cookie jar. Well, maybe they hid the fabulous wealth INSIDE the jar.
Ok, now I KNOW there's something good in here. Time to bust it open!
I have just the thing! Time to bust out my axe on this fucker! It won't know what hit iOHSHIT!
Oops, clumsy me.