Part 17: Update XVII - Doing It Like Rabbits

Update XVII - Doing It Like Rabbits

NOTE: This update might technically be due to minuscule medusa tits. Odds are that if your boss notices those, he was already hell-bent on firing you and was literally breathing down your neck to find a reason. Still, might as well err on the side of caution. Also, terrible innuendo inbound as well, but that'll come later. Anyway, you have been warned.



Last time, we killed a monster, except we didn't because that would have transferred the curse, and yet we still killed it apparently. We also got an inn some new management because the old owners were kind of dicks.



This time, we'll be exploring the last part of chapter 3 before we finally storm the Düsterburg proper. We start off by hopping over these rocks and nearly falling in the river while doing so. Of course, that's not the only hazard...



...there's also orcs to contend with!

IT'S AN AMBUSH!
ARHHH! HUMANS! HERRRE OURRR HUNTING GROUNDS! YOU GIVE UP OR GET SOME!

By the by, get used to the caps lock now. We've got lots of talking with orcs coming up.

(Why do I have to think of Dante and Thorn just now...?)
1) Sure, sure, we give up. 2) Give up? No way! We fight! 3) Let's negotiate...

Yeah, let's "negotiate" with the dumb as bricks orcs. Nah, that's not going to work. Let's just go along.

YOU NOT SO DUMB AS YOU LOOK! WE YOU BRING TO GREAT CHIEF OF GREAT ORCS, HE DECIDE OVERRR YOUR DEATH!
Bring me to your chief! I assume he's got more brains than you do!



WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? YOUNG BLOOD, FRESH AND JUICY!
Yeah, yeah, we know the story, but we've got no intentions of landing on your grill.
IS THAT SO? AND WHY SHOULD WE MISS OUT ON THIS FEAST?
Well, we could maybe... 1) ...do you a favor. 2) ...smash your face in!

The game gives us plenty of opportunities to just say "eh, fuck it, let's just kill the orcs", but we won't be taking them, because that's not as fun.

If you really want to make shish kebab out of us, go right ahead...
...but I can guarantee that only very few of you will be left to enjoy that!
So you should probably get off your high horse and rather think about how we can come to an arrangement.
WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, GUYS! THE MONKEY IS BEGGING FOR HIS LIFE! WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE GENEROUS... WHAT CAN YOU OFFER ME, YOU LITTLE MONKEY?
Well, we've got a wide arrangement of skills... and if you've got any problem... we're the solution!
THERE ARE INDEED A FEW THINGS YOU COULD DO FOR THE MIGHTY TRIBE OF THE GREAT PIGNOSE-ORCS!
A few things? 1) Go on, pignose! 2) Die, pignose!

Once again, we can just flip the table, but won't.

WE'RE NOT ALONE HERRRE IN THIS CAVE. EVIL NEIGHBORS LIVE UNDER AND NEXT TO US. YOU HELP US WITH EVIL NEIGHBORS!
Hmmm... and who are those neighbors?
FIRRRST OF ALL THERE ARE SNAKE WOMEN! IN THE CAVE UNDER US! ALWAYS WANT YOUNG STRONG ORCS TO MAKE NEW LITTLE SNAKES!
Sounds pretty icky... what should we do?
THREE DAYS AGO, SHAMAN FROM ORC TRIBE WENT DOWN TO TELL SNAKE WOMEN THAT IT CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS! BUT SHAMAN DIDN'T COME BACK!
They probably killed him...
I KNOW, YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME! BUT WE NEED NEW SHAMAN!
Sorry, but we're already busy with something else.
OH YOU DON'T GET IT AT ALL! YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SHAMAN! WE DON'T NEED MONKEY AS SHAMAN! WE NEED ORC AS SHAMAN!
Alright... and how am I supposed to conjure him up?
WE DEAL WITH THAT! BUT WE NEED SHAMAN STAFF WITH LOTS OF BONES ON IT AND STUFF! YOU GET STAFF FOR US!
OK... and where do we find one of those?
DOWN THE STAIRRRS... THAT'S WHERE THE SNAKE WOMEN ARE! THEY PROBABLY STILL HAVE IT! TELL THEM ORCS NEED IT!
Well, that doesn't sound too complicated... we'll be right back.



And downstairs we find this cavern here. There's a treasure chest further down we can get to by jumping over rocks, but it's just got gold in it, which is nice, but entirely uninteresting, so let's just get to the business at hand.



Oh my... now that's a pretty young guy... is that a potion in your pants, or are you just happy to see us?
Ummm... I didn't get that...
Maybe you didn't, but I definitely did... you better watch out, snake, or you'll have to deal with me!
Don't worry, dear, I won't nab your lover... I prefer something more sturdy. But you surely didn't just come for a little talk. What do you want?
The head orc sent us. He thinks that you've got some sort of shaman staff that he needs...
That belonged to that busybody that tried to kill us in our sleep last night... was quite tasty, that guy. A bit tough, maybe.
Umm... well... good for you. We just wanted to get the staff and leave right away again.
Not so fast, cutie... he just wants to give that to a new shaman so he can try to kill us again!
Well, suit yourself... 1) Then we'll just kill you! 2) Then we'll just kill the orcs! 3) Then we'll just leave again.

The easy way out here is option 2 - the medusas are reliant on the orcs for procreation, so killing them puts the medusas into a really tough situation. They realize that, and just give you the staff. However, we instead want to kill them here, for a reason that will only become clear later.



These gals, once again, aren't that tough with our superpowered party. In fact, only one manages to damage our party - once. After we kill them, we get the shaman staff, and... a lock of hair? Yes, for some reason, the lock of hair the minotaur was looking for ended up down here with the medusas. I'm not sure if there's a hidden subtext here or something about medusas not technically counting as "women" or if it's just RPG logic. One thing's sure, this is very missable since there's nothing that would have you suspect that the lock ended up here of all places, and the "peaceful" method of dealing with them is the more logical one (and doesn't net you the lock).

And then I go and completely forget about the lock until after finishing chapter 4, when the opportunity to finish the quest is only in chapter 3. The moment I go off the FAQ (which ignored that quest, since the item is useless if you have a guide) things go wrong. Aces. Anyway, here's what would have happened.

Well, did you find anything yet, friends?
This should be the lock you're looking for. And not a single hair burnt. Your lady will be very happy about that.
I suppose I'm risking my retirement with this, but I did promise, so take the Minoan Compass from me, the great secret of the temple guardians. He will be a shining beacon in the darkness.
Oh, a compass for bullneck labyrinths. What a useful present.
Be polite and say "thanks", dear.
...
Thanks, dear!
So then I can finally continue on my travels. Thank you very much!

I'll bring what the item does up when it's relevant. Also, holy fuck, what is it about this minotaur that makes Grandy into such a smug cunt? Anyway, now that we've got the staff, it's time to head back.



AND YOU HAVE STAFF OF SHAMAN?
Yep... wasn't that big a problem, really.
GIVE TO ME! HURRY, HURRY!
1) Here you go! 2) Nah, we'll keep it.

We get another opportunity to tell the orcs to go stuff it. The shaman staff can be used as a weapon for Libra, but it's kinda shit. Powerful, but with dark magic, which will be fairly useless in the future. Let's just give it back.

VERY GOOD WORK! THEN LET'S COME TO PART... THE NEXT PART OF YOUR WORK!
Fire away, pignose!
IN WEST OF CAVE LIVES EVIL MAGE! HE PROTECTS HIMSELF THOUGH MAGIC WALL! HE VERRRY EVIL - KEEPS CAPTURING LITTLE ORCS FOR HIS EVIL MAGIC! BUT WE CAN'T GET TO HIM BECAUSE OF MAGIC WALL!
So now we're supposed to open the passage, go in and read that guy the riot act, right?
YOU NOT AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK, MONKEY MAN! EXACTLY THAT WHAT WE EXPECT FROM YOU... OTHERWISE... YOU SMART, YOU ALREADY KNOW.
Yeah, sure, getting eaten and all that. We'll see what we can do.
Finally an opportunity to use this interesting spell I learned on Castle Rabenstein!

That little line at the end confirms Rabenstein as mandatory. Anyway, at this point, we're free to walk around, so let's take the opportunity to talk to all these orcs.



I WATCH OVER PRISONERS! SO DON'T RUN AWAY, CLEARRR?
Clear, we got it... what did the guy do to land here?
NO IDEA! DOESN'T MATTER, JUST TOLD TO GUARD...
I see... well, have fun.

That one's even dumber than his pals.



AHHHH! I GREAT GUARD! YOU NOT ALLOWED TO WALK ARRROUND HERRRE! WE SQUISH YOU ALL, MAGGOTS, WORMS AND MONKEYS!
Calm down, bacon face! We're working for your boss!
oh... why you didn't say so... keep walking...



WE WATCH OVER WARGS HERE! GOOD FRIEND AND GOOD FOOD FOR ORCS!

And as for his friend to the left...

IF YOU DON'T DO RIGHT, YOU BE FOOD FOR WARGS... HEHEHE... NO NEED TO SHIT PANTS - JUST MADE JOKE!



Then these two guys over here.

II GREAT FIGHTER! II BE CHIEF ONE DAY!

WE GUARD HERE SO EVIL GUYS DON'T COME IN!



HERRRE BE OUR FOOD STORRRAGE! YUMMY SPIDERS AND RATS!

Well, that was insightful. Anyway, we not only have free reign to walk about, we also have free reign to go everywhere else. As we approach the point of no return, it's time to do something important one more time.



Make some fucking money.



85K will do for now, I think there's some more money to be found ahead too. With that done, it's time to deal with that barrier.



We just get bounced off it and take a pretty hefty deal of damage, though it's nothing crippling.

Damn, that hurts!
A magic barrier! It's a good thing that I read this book on Castle Rabenstein. There's everything I need to know how to dispel this kind of thing.
Let's take a closer look.
Are you crazy? That magic thingy hurts!
No worries, Grandy. Now that we know what to expect, nothing should happen.

Well, let's see what happens.



I'll now try to dispel this magic barrier. It's a long and complicated spell.
During this task, I'll have to put myself into a deep trance. As such, I'll be very vulnerable, so please look out for me.
No worries, Dankwart.
I wouldn't have expected anything else from you, Grandy. Now, please step back a bit.

Dankwart then shakes his arms around and some magic shit happens which would have been too long to fit into a GIF, and after that he just stands there. Had we pissed off the orcs and not murdered every single one of them, they would have attacked us here.



Dankwart... are you alright?
Yes... thanks, Grandy. It's just a very exhausting spell...

And with that, we're ready to head upstairs and meet that mage that's been harassing the orcs.



Could it be? How did you get in here?
Through powerful magic! You might be pretty strong yourself, but your weak little barrier couldn't stop us!
Hmm... I must overhaul that spell soon! I can't afford to keep being interrupted! But you surely didn't just come here for a talk. What do you want?
1) We've come to kill you! 2) We have some questions. 3) Nothing, we're on our way out again!

ALWAYS ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS.

QUESTIONS? Didn't I just say that I don't have time... I still have to do some important experiments... but whatever, let's just call this the last wish of the delinquent before the execution.
"Execution"?
You don't really think that I'm just going to let you go after you made it in here, do you? Furthermore, I could use you for my experiments. So let's go!
1) Ask questions. 2) Surprise attack!

So we could get the jump on this guy here, but that's not what we want. We wanted questions, and we're getting questions, damnit.

1) Who or what are you? 2) What do you do here? 3) Where does that passage lead? 4) Let's get it over with!

Down the line, yet again.

My name is Ritzalaan. In my lifetime, I was a devout servant of the Dark God, but in the last few years I've instead concentrated on science. You've got to get ahead somehow in this world, and just going out to find souls for somebody else isn't exactly satisfying in the long run.
Umm... how did you get your rather unfortunate look?
No insults please, or otherwise the last conversation of your life will end faster than you wish! But to answer that question: A little mishap during a ritual for the Dark God. The goal was transferring a soul...
Sounds familiar... do the names Malthur and Lythia ring a bell?
Oh my... I'm starting to be somewhat impressed with you! May I ask where you got that knowledge?
1) Of course! 2) That's none of your business!

Not telling this guy what he wants is a quick way to get attacked.

They tried to do the same ritual on Castle Rabenstein!
You don't say? That really sounds interesting... may I ask if they were successful?
1) It was a complete success! 2) We stopped it. 3) None of your business!

Might as well be honest here.

Excellent! That reduces the number of my potential rivals.

I'm researching here, you can see that, can't you? Yes, yes, I already know the next question: WHAT ARE YOU RESEARCHING? Well, I don't know the answer myself exactly, just that it'll be something big that will please the Dark God and his successor! Sadly the time continues to pass and I haven't really managed anything except two-headed rabbits with their guts hanging out and the like...

That one leads to the duke's castle. It's practically made for my purposes, you must know. The duke's planning a grand feast that I also wish to take part in... without an invitation, of course...
What are you planning?
My plan would make your little pea-brains explode if I tried to explain it to you, and then you'd be useless to me. So I'll only say that it's a matter between me, the Dark God and his son... a matter that that bloodsucking upstart wants to interfere in, but not on my watch, friends!

Alright, time to get this over with.

Feel the power of eons circling through these brittle bones!



Now, Ritz here is a tough cookie. A very tough cookie. We could probably take him in our current roided up state, but the much cooler way to deal with him is rather simple...



...we just run away.



Oh, that's cute! You're trying your luck by fleeing! Well, you should probably have longer legs for that!

And then he casts a spell...



HOW, WHERE, WHAT?
Grandy, he's clearly superior to us!
DANKWART! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Take a look down at yourself, Grandy!
But my shoes weren't so fluffy just a minute ago...
Grandy, you're adorable when you don't have a clue what's going on. He changed us into rabbits!
Quick thinking there! The female seems to be a bit smarter than the rest. I have a very special series of tests for you!
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!



Well, that's it then! We don't stand a chance against Wahnfried in this form.
Even if we did... nobody would accept a rabbit as their duke.
Dankwart! Don't let your ears hang down like that! There has to be a way to reverse this transformation!
Only the one that cast the spell can reverse it... and I fear that Ritzalaan has other plans for us!



UAAAAH! THERE HE IS AGAIN!
Did you really think I'd just let you hop away?
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

This starts a little minigame where we have to dodge getting caught. Dodging Ritz here and getting out of the cave isn't too tough, since he moves rather slowly.



How can we possibly escape this guy?

Simple! By just hopping over the rocks like we did on the way in!

ARGH! You rats! I can't teleport across the water! Then I'll have to look for another way before the spell wears off!

That seems like a pretty bizarre flaw. Should probably fix that problem before you fix your barrier, mate.



Did I hear that wrong, or is that bonehead in a hurry to catch us?
I heard it as well, Grandy! Seems that the spell only lasts a certain time...
Then we should make sure we hide until then.
I just thought of something, Grandy... the way to the castle is being guarded by that demon...
Do you really think we stand a better chance against it in this form?
Of course not, but in this form we could maybe sneak past them!
Excellent idea, Dankwart! Let's get going!

But then, we hear a howl.

WHAT WAS THAT?



BUT THERE WEREN'T ANY WOLVES HERE BEFORE!

And so begins stage 2 of the minigame. This time, we need to dodge a lot of fairly fast-moving wolves.



Something that helps is that we can jump over one square wide obstacles like this fence here. We make it past fine and get up to the passage...



AHHH! LOOK, GUYS! THAT'S MY LUNCH RUNNING AROUND THERE!
LUNCH?

And then there's stage 3. The demon and his boneheads move fairly slow, but the pass is much much tigher, and as such, we have very little room to maneuver past them.



Basically, we need to just sit tight down at the bottom and hope like hell we can drag enough guys down to us to make a break for the top.



Thankfully, it works. Next time, it's time for chapter 4 proper.