Part 18: Update XVIII - Don't Call It A Comeback, I've Been Here For A Couple Of Months
Update XVIII - Don't Call It A Comeback, I've Been Here For A Couple Of Months

So, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, let's have a short recap: Last time, we went out, got ambushed by some orcs, did some jobs for those orcs, ran into a lich, got transformed into bunnies, ran away from several parties attempting to either dissect or eat us, and finally made it to the castle.

CHAPTER IV - IN THE HEART OF DARKNESS
Hard hitting commentary in the era of colonialism incoming, I presume.

Anyway, we're off to Castle Düsterburg, albeit in a somewhat different form. One would think this would cause some problems, but like we learned in the last update...

...the spell only lasts a short time, and we get transformed right back.



We then make our way further up the hill and arrive at the gates of the Düsterburg.





And with that, we've made it to the last part of the map. Not that it matters, since we can't actually leave this area, but hey, 100% completion is always nice, even if it's just a map.

As we get to exploring the outer grounds, we suddenly run into a familiar face! Alvaro, our old friend from Rabenstein, came back!









We find the entrance fairly easily - Alvaro wasn't joking when he said it was badly hidden.




So, this is the entrance to the secret caverns that lead to castle Düsterburg. Fun fact: If you didn't get a lantern even though that's like #2 or #3 on the adventurer's list of "items to never be without", the sacks of grain up there will have one. Let it never be said that this game makes it easy to get in an unwinnable situation.

























Now doesn't that just sound peachy? So I guess that the levels will involve combat, puzzles, and bullshit, in order.

We start meandering around the first level, and we quickly run into the first Tho'Sharr.

Now, these guys are bad news. They can very well fuck your shit up if you're not ready for them. However, like I've said many times before, we are overleveled to shit and ready for them.

They have two weaknesses - Libra's lightning spells deal some good damage...

...and Grandy's aimed attack deals a fuckton of damage. Grandy's going to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting for these guys.

Now, I'm going to be jumping around a lot, because keeping track of where you are is a nightmare in this place. This save point near the big rock is one of the few easily recognizable, somewhat central positions.

On the way to the first location, Grandy blows the fuck out of a Tho'Sharr. That aimed attack is incredible on the enemies it's actually effective against.

The first point of interest in these caverns is this ominous-looking contraption.

We make our way past the spikes, and suddenly, it clicks.


Contrary to what most other games do, stepping on a switch is good here. The click lets you know that the next square is booby-trapped and will shove spikes up your arse if you step on it, so once you hear that click, you best step to the side and continue from there. If you don't...


It doesn't deal all that much damage, though - nothing Dankwart can't fix up again. And what's our reward for going through this?

Some reviving items. Well whoop de fucking shit, I'm swimming in the crap by now and I'll never use them either.

Moseying around some more, we run into this interesting character.









As you can no doubt tell by that fabulous name that seems entirely out of place, like it was the main character of some other game, this is a cameo - however, I'm not sure which game she's from. The credits for this game credit four different RPG Maker games, and those are Vampires Dawn, The Magic Sword, Dreamland and Aurora's Tear. Vampires Dawn I know, and I know she's not from there. The cameo from Aurora's Tear we already ran into (Dante and Thorn), Dreamland is a horror game that seems to be more modern as opposed to the standard patch of dirt from Tolkien's back garden, and The Magic Sword is so fucking generic that I can't actually find anything about it. However, through process of elimination, we can presume she's from The Magic Sword. Anybody in the audience know that game? Because I sure don't.





...so, for curiosity's sake, I decided to do some searching and stumbled upon an old forum thread collecting references in this game, which will be quite helpful, and according to that, it's a cameo from The Featherwind Saga, another game I never played. And now you know. And knowing is part of the battle, but probably won't help a lot without the other stuff.




And there they are! Four of the buggers!

Now, this battle can be quite tough unless you know the weaknesses. However, you do get some help:

Every round, Kristina attacks the Tho'Sharr and deals some pretty good damage, and also gives us a fairly funny quip regarding the reaction of the enemies - there's four in total:
- Tho'Sharr rubs his aching head
- Tho'Sharr looks confused
- Tho'Sharr doesn't want to go on
- Tho'Sharr wonders if he shouldn't take on a different line of work to earn his living
Between Grandy's aimed attack (one actually hit for the full 999 in this battle) and the other sources of damage, they go down fairly easily.

And explode really fucking violently, I mean Christ, were they packed with fireworks or something like that?

This one really isn't a contest. The right one gives you three healing potions, three MP potions and two elixirs. The left one gives you FORTY-THOUSAND BUCKS. That buys you fifty healing potions and fifty MP potions. Maybe it was supposed to be 4K originally? Who knows, who cares? Hint: Not me.

And she teleports out, leaving us to rot here and continue to trek on.

Next, we bop around the cave some more and find this entrance.

As we explore this area, we run into some... different monsters.

These guys are tough, even at our overleveled state. They can poison, which tears through your HP a lot more than you'd hope it did, they hit like dump trucks, and they're too stubborn to die or have a powerful weakness.

Moving on, we find these weird egg-looking things.




And when we go further...









Seems like that thing has to die. We go further on, murdering tons of these guys in the process...

...and then we find this!

We find some magic bracers which are quite terrible. All they do is guard from crits, which happen once in a blue moon.

Through another mountain of corpses, we make our way to the queen.


Now this is a fucking fight. God damn. Took me three minutes of concentrated attacking, and the party was in serious risk of wiping a few times. There's a reason this "subplot" is entirely optional.

However, through concentrated application of ice magic and a lot of healing, we eventually get through it, and the god damn thing explodes just as violently as the Tho'Sharr before.

After that, it's time to deal with the eggs.

So he smashes one egg up. Then walks over to the next and smashes it up. Then walks over to the next and smashes it up.

Then Libra has enough of that bullshit.



Not quite, we still have something further up to take a look at.




However, we can't actually do something about this, so let's just move on.

Back at the save point, we're going to be going north now and seeing what happens there.


No, not yet.



OH SHIT

JUMP
...and yes, they actually played the Raider's March during that little scene. Anyway, now that that's out of the way, we can head up to the next level.

So, the next level. This one was said to require intelligence, and in these games, that means one thing:

Stupid puzzles!


No would just land us in a battle with these guys, and while I might be curious to see if our party could take them, let's not try that.





Time is the answer to this.

Moving on...



Same as before.




The answer here is your son.

And because third time's the charm...



Same shit, different wording.




Nope, not on this one...

There we go! The answer is "nothing".








The answer here is fire.







Not here yet.

A "trick question" here - both "a ladder" and "stairs" are correct answers.

And there we go, that was level two! All that's left is the one filled with death and decay! Yay!

Now, this level is based entirely around bullshit that would be right at home in a point-and-click adventure game, and gives you exactly two ways to avoid it. Well, three if you count "luck".

The first option is the Minoan Compass. If you take a path leading to bullshit, the compass will give off some laughter, which is your cue to turn your ass right the fuck around. The second option is this inscription on the wall.

Not where we are or will be, but where we aren't, paths will be!



This is actually a clue to the right path. Hint: Dankwart is right, and my translation completely fucked everything up. However, if you can't figure it out, just keep looking at it over and over again, and eventually...


And if you still don't get it, keep it up...



And that it is. North, south, south, south, west, south, west.

Now, as we meander onwards, here's a bit of an assortment of bullshit that awaits you:
- Another rolling rock that may or may not be too fast for you to avoid.
- Fireballs right the fuck outta nowhere that deal massive damage.
- A sword in the stone that kills you if you try to pull it out.
- Weird ghosts on loan from 3 Monkeys, a different RPG Maker game.
- Bottomless pits with chests behind them to lead you into the trap.
- Lava pits with chests behind them to lead you into the trap.
- The chests are either empty or kill you, by the way.
- Getting warped into a room with no exit that is filled with Tho'Sharr.
- Explosive mines.
- And more!

On the right path, we find these switches. Switches? That can only mean something good, right? Let's throw some of them around!





Well, that didn't do anything, let's flip it back.



Eh, let's do it again.



Flipping the stuff around doesn't actually do anything, the only thing that matters it whether the switches are in their original position or not. If they're not, you get fireballs outta nowhere further down the line.

Moving on, there's the bottomless pit...

...and here's the setup with the mines - at least one of them. But there's a way around them, and it involves looking at this weird pedestal.




Something else? How about that switch?






Well, now that this thing is out, let's put our lantern back in that indentation...

...and there we go! That shows us the path through the minefield. Didn't stop me from getting my ass blown up, but hey, that's just me being a dumbass.

If you're not braindead and actually manage to follow those easy instructions, you find this.


And there we go, now we can move on.

Now, this is the part where the Minoan Compass can actually fuck with you. It will tell you not to go down this path, but you actually want to.

There's a whole bunch of fireballs to dodge...

...but at the end, there's actual treasure to be found! Four elixirs, three revival items, and most importantly, the Hornets' Nest crossbow for Tarius! This crossbow is capable of attacking every enemy, which is a great upgrade over the repeating crossbow we've been using so far.

One fairly dangerous trek back through the fireballs and we're at the end of the caverns...

...and we've made it into the castle! Join me next time when we really storm this motherfucker!