Part 21: Hail Caesar!
Oh, hey, its That Guy. I wonder what role hes going to play in this chapter. Lets find out!
CUTSCENE: A Fake Goddess?
We arrive at the gate of Count Drisdalls mansion across from the Central Station and are greated by this pleasant-looking fellow out front.
Guard: Yes, what is your business?
Eldore: We have something the Count might be interested in; a statue hes been looking for: the Goddess of Lépanne.
Guard: Really now. Did you think we were going to fall for that?
Orren: But out plan was so fool-proof!
Guard: The Count has that piece. In fact, he just recently acquired it.
Leonard: No wait! He couldnt have! Its a fake. It must be!
Guard: Move along, please.
Leonard: Come on! Just tell him, please! Why would we lie?
As usual, Leonards logic is utterly flawless and his gift for persuading people unparalleled.
While I dont necessarily know about Leonard, I know those hips dont lie. Look everyone, its That Guy.
And he has a face now!
This Guy: Trouble?
Guard: Ah! Lord Caesar. These folks here. Theyre trying to claim they have the Goddess of Lépanne.
Caesar: Really? They found the Goddess?
Leonard nods curtly.
Caesar opens his mouth and starts jawing with the guard out of earshot.
Yulie: Psst! Hey, Caesar? As in Drisdalls only son and heir?
Yulie: I dont know what the townsfolk are talking about. He looks pretty intelligent to me. Dont you think?
Orren: Not when it comes to practical attire.
Yulie: Oh shut up. Hes dreamy
Caesar: So hey.
Yulie: Oh! Yes?
Caesar: Just in case, I wanna look at that Goddess of Lépanne you say youve got.
Caesar: Please, step inside.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: Landos Palace (Disc 2, Track 6 of the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack) Not really, but its whats playing in my head right now. And its entirely appropriate, as Caesar is this games Lando Calrissian, and I love the fuck out of Lando (and Caesar).
Yulie: Just in case ?
CUTSCENE: Caesars Palace
So for whatever reason, while were in Caesars room, the game automatically de-equips whatever cape accessories we have equipped on everyone, which in this case is just Eldores trademark green cloak, and the fur muffler on Orrens jacket, because thats actually an accessory.
This is one of only two places in both games that does this, to my knowledge, and I dont really know why that is. Anyway, Eldore looks decent sans cape, but Orren loses something without the collar. So if youll permit me, Im going to crudely photoshop it back in for these next few screens.
There, thats looks
Caesar: Mmmhmm. This is the Goddess of Lépanne, huh?
Yulie: Yup! Real as real can be.
Caesar: Kay, but whyd you bring it here?
Leonard: Its for Count Drisdall. We want to ask him a favour in return.
Caesar: A favour?
Caesar: I dunno Isnt bribing public officials against the law?
Yulie: What? No! We would never
Caesar: Ha hah! Down, girl. Just joking. And I know your statues real.
She wants to kick him into orbit by his balls. Yulie is so great. I might have been a little too harsh on the game up till this point. Between her, Kara, and Caesar, this game is actually on the road to redemption.
Also, Im loving Caesars Lord Byron outfit in the painting behind Orrens head. I honestly wish we got badass Pirate Caesar as our final party member rather than Boy-Shakira Caesar, but whatever, its not the packaging that counts, its whats inside that matters.
That said, why does Caesar have multiple paintings of himself in his room? The one over Yulies shoulder, Im at least assuming is his mother, but still doesnt explain why its bookended by two pictures of himself, particular a giant fuck-off wall-sized one.
So Yulie slams her ass down on the couch in a huff, finally bested by a superior wit.
Leonard: You do? Then what about the Counts?
Caesar: Ha hah! Oh, that ones a fake I threw together.
Caesar: Yeah, if you saw em slobber over it
Caesar: Theyll kill me when they see the real one. Oh well.
Caesar: Alright, lets go see my old man. Time to fess up.
Kara: The townsfolk were right about him.
CUTSCENE: The Reason Why
And with that we get our first glimpse of Count Drisdall, bedridden from the last stages of an old ailment, the cause of which we only sort of maybe find out in game 2, and only if you want to make the connection from A to B because Akihiro Hinos a terrible writer.
Caesar leads the party into his fathers chamber.
He has the same confident swagger as Leonard does, though in Caesars case, its 100% earned, if not now, then it will be by the time the Greede arc is over.
Eldore spots the fake Goddess of Lépanne on the mantle.
Looks pretty similar to our Goddess, no?
Wait, Caesar made that?
Count Drisdall: What is it, Caesar? Who are these people?
Caesar: Hey, Dad. Ive got some good news and a liiittle bad news.
Caesar: Sadly, your statues a fake But
Caesar: The good news is, these folks brought the real one.
Count Drisdall: What?! And you knew about it? You lied to me again? How many times must I warn yo
Count Drisdall: [Heavy phlegmy coughing]
Caesar: Yeah yeah, I know, Dad. I blew it.
Caesar: But come on
Caesar: Youve got to learn to relax, really?
Youre probably wondering why Im not going over Caesar with both barrels for what an utter dickback hes being to his dying father while I scream in paragraph format at Leonard for breathing.
Thats because, yeah, Caesar is being a utter dickbag to his old man, but unlike Leonard, he has an actual reason for being so aloof and blasé (hes terrified of the fact that his father is dying so he intentionally acts like an careless dork as an emotional shield against the inevitable), and unlike Leonard, he suffers actual consequences for his actions, but were getting to that.
Caesar: I made the one that I gave you. Boy, did I have you fooled.
Caesar: I thought I did a pretty good job.
Count Drisdall: Ooooh, my boy
Caesar: Well, thats my cue to go.
Caesar: Hey, be sure to thank these folks.
Caesar: If it wasnt for them, where would you be?
Count Drisdall: This is the last straw!
Count Drisdall: Im disowning you this time, you useless idio
Count Drisdall: [Heavy coughing]
CUTSCENE MUSIC: Karas Theme (Unreleased Track)
Count Drisdall: Excuse me. That couldnt have been pleasant to watch. Ive just about given up on that feckless son of mine.
And I know I named this track Karas Theme, but its kind of the games go-to emotionally heavy, bittersweet track, which if you know anything about Karas character, pretty much sums her up in a nutshell.
Count Drisdall: Doesnt he see how little time I have left?
Jeeves here brings a thick blanket for the Count as he sits up properly to play host to our
Count Drisdall: In any case, you have indeed brought me the real Goddess of Lépanne.
Count Drisdall: Oh, if you knew how long I have searched for this treasure!
Count Drisdall: You see, my wife and I saw it when we first went to an art museum, years ago
Count Drisdall: She is gone now, but when I look upon this, its as if it took place just yesterday.
Count Drisdall: And yet my son makes light of it.
Count Drisdall: Well, regardless, I am very much in your debt. Tell me how I might repay you. If it is within my power, I shall.
Orren: Ten million guilders and a lord
Eldore: BE QUITE, NILES!
So the Wonder Twins looks at each other and nod hopefully.
CUTSCENE: Count Drisdalls Promise
Count Drisdall: I see. You want Greede to be placed so that you can enter the caverns?
Eldore: Yes. That is exactly what we just told you, word-for-word.
Count Drisdall: Well, Id be more than happy to do that for you, except
Orren: Are you secretly evil too?
Count Drisdall: No. Why do you
Orren: Prior experience. Long story; you dont want to hear it.
Orren: I dont know why anyone would, honestly. And yet here you are still
Count Drisdall: As you know, the mining season has ended, so I decided to give Amir some vacation time.
Count Drisdall: Hes the Demithors handler, you see.
Count Drisdall: I suspect hes spending his holiday somewhere in the city
Count Drisdall: But I have no idea where, Im afraid.
Count Drisdall: Youll have to find Amir yourselves, if thats alright
Count Drisdall: And give him this message from me.
Count Drisdall: But hes very committed, so once he reads it, Im sure he will lend you a hand.
The Drisdall Family, ladies and gentlemen: thoroughly smashing the virtue and competence are mutually exclusive traits trope this game has been running with since the first second this LP started.
So the party gathers outside the Counts chamber, and
Caesar: Uh Hahuh
This should be good
CUTSCENE: And Caesar Makes Six
Caesar: Aha. Have to find Amir, huh? Well, your best bet would be to check downtown at the bar. Or under it, knowing Amir.
Leonard: Got it. Thanks!
Caesar: Actually, I have a little favour to ask. I was, um, hoping to tag along.
Leonard: With us?
Orren: Is there another group of idiots in the room that only you can see?
Caesar: Dad kind of kicked me out of the house.
Caesar: Come on, I could really use the company.
Look at that face. Are you going to say no to that face?
Kara: That makes one of us then.
Eldore: Why not? Come with us if you like.
Caesar: Wow! Seriously?
Caesar: Thanks, friendly old guy whose name I dont know! All of you.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: Recollection
Caesar: I owe you big time!
Kara: Hey. What are you doing?
Eldore: This Caesar he doesnt strike you as a curious fellow?
Eldore: Didnt you see? The gems in that fake Goddess were real firestones. Not just one, but two of them, mind you. Hes no ordinary fool. Otherwise, how would he have gotten those stones?
Eldore: He put far more effort into crafting that fake than we put into finding the real one.
Hes player character material for sure. Also I love how he just yanks Leonard right to his feet
For a handshake no less.
Yulie: Its true. Not to mention, he did it for his fathers sake.
Yulie: I dont know if hell be any good in a fight but hey, hes got a big heart. That has to count for something, right?
Kara: What he has is a big mouth.
And for whatever reason he starts checking out Leonards ass.
Caesar: Heeey man, I like your threads. Wherdya get em? You wouldnt want to trade would ya? Huh?
Caesar: Im just saying
The funny thing is, after you beat the first game, you can then buy generic versions of everyones character-specific default clothing from the Adventurers Guild Dahlia Exchange. Each piece of clothing is 60 Dahlia a piece and has stats comparable to some of the actual armour pieces you get by that point in the game. And unlike the character-specific versions, you can equip them on any of the characters (of the same gender, anyway). So you literally can have Leonard and Caesar wearing each others clothes eventually.
And Caesar seals the deal with a friendly punch to the arm.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: New Allies (Unreleased Track)
So for our next fetch quest, we need to fetch Amir and then drag him to the Demithors head. But thats for next chapter.
Hot bloody damn! It was about time we got someone in this group with a sense of humour. Though I was enjoying Yulies wit and Karas temper, it had been ages since I had legitimately smiled about anything.
I wasnt always this angry murderous curmudgeon. I swear. I am capable of being down right princely to people. Its just that
Leonard. Need I say anything else?
Hopefully, I thought, a nice dose of Vitamin Caesar would cure that condition up rather quickly.
Things were finally starting to look up.