Part 81: (Not) Thinking With Portals (Part 2)

Yep. That’s a big fuckin’ gate alright.




Framboise: This is it…
Orren: Okay… So what am I supposed to do with this thing now? Punch it with the Arc Knight or something?
Framboise: Oh please.




A sudden roar echoes through the canyon.


Framboise: Wh-what’s that?!


Orren: DUUR. I LIKE CHEESE.

Damn near everyone in this game has had their own little “horribly inept character animation” moment, and finally, four updates out from the final and complete end of this trainwreck, the Avatar gets theirs too. Thanks to a harmonic convergence of Level-5’s shitty animation rigging and certain design quirks on Orren’s model, it looks for a brief moment here like he’s a crosseyed simpleton intellectual derelict of a worse quality than even fucking Leonard is.

Fuck you, Level-5. Fuck you for making the character I created to serve as the voice of this LP look like someone who eats paste and just shit his pants.

But then again, that’s par for the course, I suppose. Because let’s never forget, Level-5 hates you the player and the Avatar you created as an extension of yourself. This is probably just more of the animators rebelling against Akihiro Hino for forcing them to continue working on this fucking game even though they all knew by that point what a financial and critical disaster it was.


But, I digress. Anyway, Framboise and Orren start scanning the area for any sign of approaching trouble…


Only neither of them think to look up because Cutscene Orren has replaced Gameplay/LP Narrative Orren once again, and Cutscene Orren, like the majority of the other characters in this game, is a fucking moron.

There, I said it. Not even the character I created is strong enough to resist the game’s pull of Stupidity.


Enjoy your death from above, dickhead.


_(Cutscene) Orren is dumb.


Oh hey, look at that. It’s a Wyvern. A Wyvern Regnina pallet swap, to be specific.


It does its little Wyvern whirlwind thing, kicking up all sorts of dust and crap.






Orren: What the fuck is it about this place and things trying to kill me here anway?


Framboise: OOO! I could use so many parts off that thing in my research. Try not to mangle it too badly when you kill it.
Orren: Woman, do I look like I’m gonna—


ROAR!




Orren: fuck my life.




So this is out boss for the chapter, the Wyvern Regina bounty pallet swap Falak. You might remember the only place we’ve encounter Reginas previously was in the upper levels of Vellgander as the occasional giant enemy and as part of the boss fight against Larvayne along with a Wyvern Rex.


Well, there’s one sure fire way to deal with her…






And that of course is using a Knight with a weapon that has no weakness matching skills on its chosen weapon!


Because fuck it, I will break LP Kayfabe for nothing.


But then again, we are in 9999 of everything territory right now, so having no weakness matching attacks to use against Falak is of literally no concern to us anymore.




It’s kind of sad that I’ve actually got better screenshots of this thing than I did the Regina proper.












So like Wyverns of all other stripes in this game, she takes to the air when he’s low on health to try to fuck with the player and stall for time. But because I’ve got a Knight I can easily pound her ass back down to the ground even without slashing attacks to grease the wheels of her demise.




Hail to the Queen, baby!


Cisna: Did someone call?

Hell fuck no.




Oh and I guess she randomly spawned a couple of Sleep Vespids for some reason during the fight. But they don’t matter at this point because with Falak dead, they disappear as we fade to black for the ending cutscene.
















Framboise: Okay. Start carving this thing up for me.
Orren: Uckfay Ouyay.




Osmund: Heeeeeeeee~ey!!!


Orren: …The hell? Osmund?
Osmund: Are you nincompoops alright?


Orren: Better late than never, I guess…




Why do I get the feeling the game just screwed me out of having Osmund as a guest party member one last time by having him arrive just a few minutes too late to the party?


Fuck you, Level-5.


Orren: So then I smashed it with a giant hammer and it died.
Osmund: Great minds think alike, my lad.


Osmund: Phew! It looks like you were able to fend them off then.


Osmund: Still, the fact that such strange beasts like this are still terrorizing the canyon is most worrying.


Osmund: Ah—hey!


Framboise: The core… it’s resonating?


Orren: Not good.


Framboise: I suppose it’s only natural, after all. The Knights’ power IS drawn from the Magic Plane…


She starts walking towards the portal with the Ark Core held out towards it, almost like a ritualistic offering.


Osmund: Ah! Hey!


Osmund: What are you doing?!


Osmund: Get away from there! It’s not safe!
Orren: She’s not that big on “safety” thing there, chief.


As she gets within touching distance of the portal for reasons that truly astound me, suddenly her face lights up in a gasp.

Someone just realised she made a huge (and stupid) mistake.


Framboise: AAAAAAAHH!!!


The portal expands outwards suddenly, consuming Framboise in a massive miasma of darkness.


Orren: Well, she’s dead.




[BELCH]


An awkward wind blows across the temple grounds.


Orren: Aaaaaah… I didn’t see anything if you didn’t.


Osmund: What in the bloody hell?!




Orren: This must be what life is like between you and Rocco.
Osmund: Oh, you have NO godsdamn idea…


Osmund: Well? Are you going after her?
Orren: Let me poll the audience on that one.
Osmund: Who the hell are you talking about? It’s just me here.
Orren: …Really? I could have sworn that Kara and Caesar were here, and then there’s… Well, I don’t know how to describe it, but it kind of feels like there’s a whole bunch of people out there watching me… Laughing at my constant suffering.
Osmund: (Fuck my rabbitty ass, the boy’s finally lost it.)
Osmund: You’d better hurry. There’s no time to lose!


Osmund: You’re the only one who can help her now, Orren! You have to rescue her!


Osmund: Best of luck to you! Hang in there lad!




Why the fuck has my life devolved into an endless stream of people telling me to hurry the fuck up and do things for them? I must have the patience of a saint or something… Or really strong arteries. Because a lesser man would have died of a stroke by now.

But that’s neither here nor there. With Kara and Caesar at my side… unless I was hallucinating them or something… I hopped into the dark portal after Framboise’s stupid ass. It had to be a trap of some kind, I was sure, but maybe, just maybe, there would finally be some answers as to what the fuck was going on hidden deep within the Magic Plane.

…Or maybe just more questions. Who the fuck knows? It’s sad when you’ve got to translate your own memories, isn’t it?