Part 85: The End.
Because, let’s face it, if I didn’t put the period there, you probably wouldn’t believe me.
EPISODE 10 – The Queen of the Other World
We come to it at last, the great battle of our time. And by that I mean a five minute long boss fight. There’s nothing “great” about this final chapter of the Avatar Story, only that it’s finally over.
So as you might recall, in our penultimate update (not counting our detour into the Georama), Oruro essentially cajoled Orren into heading off on a suicide mission into the other world because he had the only usable Knight that could challenge whatever the fuck would be waiting for him there. Framboise volunteered to go along for… I don’t want to say “friendship” reasons, because I’m certain Orren would never willingly call Framboise a friend, but whatever.
Now the two of them (and Yulie and Eldore) have ventured through the unstable rift the Balandor scientists popped open in Guido’s Hollow, and they suddenly find themselves in a mysterious palatial environment in the other world unlike any part of it they’ve ever seen before.
Somewhere in the swirling clouds of magic and darkness lies Shem and Azel’s master, the one who made the Knights into the threat they are, the one behind all of this madness, the real cause of all the death and chaos of the Dogma War.
Akihiro Hino.
Nah, I’m kidding. We’ll see what’s really lurking in the shadows very soon. And boy howdy… are you gonna be disappointed.
Orren: Well, this doesn’t look at all ominous, no siree.
Framboise: If Master Oruro’s calculations were correct, then that rift gate’s put us right smack in the center of the other world…
Framboise: So if we release the power that’s been built up in this Ark Core right here…
Framboise: Then it should generate enough spatio-temporal seismicogical energy—amplified by the natural harmonic resonance frequency of the magic plain itself, of course, can’t forget that point—but anyway, long story short, it’ll set off a HUGE freakin’ blast that should, gods I hope at least, sever the connection between our worlds once and for all. Orren: Unless they go and make another sequel to this thing. Framboise: Yeah, then we’re all fucked.
Orren: Okay then, smash a magic thing and make a big bang. Framboise, my dear, I think this sounds like a job for the Brickstick. Framboise: Give me a moment. …Okay, you’re all set. The Drega hammer has been loaded onto the Arc Knight and is all set to go. Smash the freaking thing, Orren! Orren: Wait, what the hell is that thing on your arm? Framboise: It’s called an Omnitool, hello. It’s nothing but the latest in do-everything techno-whatsits. I stole it off this really handsome looking guy in black armour.
Commander Shepard: Hey, has anyone seen my Omnitool?Moving on.
Framboise: Once the gate’s been sealed, that should be the end of it. All we have to worry about is getting back before the rift collapses completely.
Framboise: Can’t put it off any more, I guess. Let’s get moving!
And so we head up and into the final battle with the party that’s been with us all throughout the Post-Game, save one or two instances here and there.
Really, it’s a shame you can only bring three characters with you instead of four, because I’d add Caesar to this lineup in a heartbeat. Mostly because he fills the damage tank roll for this party. Orren’s the heavy, up there in the front doing the most damage head-on, Yulie’s the white mage, healing everyone and staying out of range of enemy attacks most of the time using her bow to attack, Eldore’s the mage—or he would be if the game understood how its own magic system worked, and Caesar would be the damage sponge / buff and debuff caster. All told, a well-rounded party.
But alas, it’s just one more thing Level-5 could have done if they’d only conquered the
button, but didn’t.
Framboise: It should be right up ahead. There’s no going back now. Are you ready? Orren: Let’s end this.
Orren and Framboise run up the stairs to the main platform of the place.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Final Battle” (Disc 2, Track 17)
Framboise: Wh-what the heck…?!They find a mass of floating blocks similar to the ones we saw zipping around in the abyss beneath Guido’s Hollow.
A voice suddenly thunders through the shadows, it’s warped and terrifying, yet it sounds distinctively feminine.
Ideya: My name is Ideya! I rule this world! I am all creation made flesh! Orren: Question! Do you know a guy named Madoras? Ideya: Very well. I fostered his lust for power, twisted his mind, and gave him his Knights, all to serve this realm of death. Orren: Follow up question, then: do you know what happened to him? Ideya: My pawns’ fate is of no concern to me. Orren: Okay then. Well, let me tell you what happened to him… Me.
Ideya: Your world is DAMNED! You cannot save it.
Ideya: Coming here? To my throne? Defiling it with your mortal footsteps… It changes nothing. Your fate is sealed. You will all… die.
And then Orren gives what has GOT to be the most “yeah, no way,” looks I’ve ever seen. Look at him, he’s just waiting for Ideya to show her omnipotent ass so he can put his foot up it already.
He’s beyond fucking done with every last drop of her residual bullshit.
10,000 years’ worth stupidity comes to a crashing halt today.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Advent” (Game 2 OST, Track 15)
So the big evil music starts playing as, I shit you not, the sound of a whale’s song begins to echo through the void.
A spec appears in the distance… Oh boy, here she comes.
It rushes towards the camera at an alarming rate.
It weaves in and out the refuse from Orphan’s Cradle in Final Fantasy XIII, coming closer and closer to Orren and Framboise.
Aaaaaaand…
Wait, is that like actually a whale?
Oh my fucking god, it is.
Guys, it’s a space whale.
The final final boss of this game is a literally fucking SPACE WHALE!
Holy shit.
So the space whale STILL rockets towards the camera.
Actually this part of the scene only takes like five seconds—I’m just stretching it out because I want everyone to drink in the space whale.
Even after all the bullshit of Leonard accidentally becoming the final boss of the game, and having to go through an 11 hour-long optional dungeon to actually kill the Big Bad of the game, and this boring-ass Avatar Non-Story, did anyone here guess that the last thing we’d have to kill in this game would be a literal extra-dimensional whale?
Somewhere in this thread I made a Moby Dick joke, and we are now literally about to kill a giant white (and black) whale.
And so Orren piled upon the spacewhale’s white (and black) hump the sum of all the general rage and hatred felt by his whole race, from Fantasy Adam on down. If his chest had been a mortar, he’d have burst his heart’s shell upon it… and screamed “fuck you!” whilst doing it.
Well, one nice little touch about this thing is that it too has the same sort of Sanskrit halo type thing on its backs that Shem and Azel’s Knights also had, so hey hey callbacks!
The space whale splits in two off camera. It’s white end pops up on the left of the boss arena…
And flops around like fish out of water, quite literally. God, THIS is our final boss? It looks so fucking stupid. I think they were going for Lovecraftian Horror, but they overshot it and landed in SeaWorld Plush Toy territory instead.
And the black half then pops up on the right side of the arena.
And then a blue gem on a cord slides out of its face vagina.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe these things really are existentially harrowing after all?
FINAL ROUND! FIGHT!
BOSS BATTLE MUSIC: “Fly!-My Bluebird- (Violin Version)” (Game 2 OST, Track 19)
Okay, so the game’s idea of a final boss track is essentially the karaoke version of the ending credits theme. Eh, whatever, at least we don’t have to listen to the word salad lyrics, even if Cindy Alexander does a great job belting them out.
So behold our final fight for this LP—a twin boss battle; on our left in white is Ideya Anima, while on our right in black is Ideya Animus.
Are we all set? Let’s get down to business.
Orren: O Swordo Framboise: The Magnificent! Orren: Emerald champion, master of the ancient hammer, and slayer of gods, grant me your power… to make this a goddamn hat-trick!
Orren: Verto!
I go for Ideya Animus first, because Ideya Anima is the one shown dying in the cutscene, so let’s meet the game halfway.
Like Madoras, Space Whale is immune to everything and the kitchen sink, and is an absolute monster to take down, even with cheating at times.
Ideya is hands down the strongest enemy in the entire duology. So if nothing else, I will hand it to Level-5 that they’re capable of creating bosses that give you a good run for your money… Through terrible, ill-thought-out game design, true, but the point remains.
So let’s just bash the shit out of her.
Both halves of Ideya have multiple forms. This first one just sits there and tanks damage while a swarm of Ogres attacks for it.
It’ll launch an attack or two of its own, but very rarely at first. Your main strategy in this fight is to focus on one half of her first and then take out the other one, because the boss arena is decently sized enough that Anima can’t touch you if you’re up close and wailing on Animus, and vice versa.
Ideally, you’d be facing her down with a party of six Level 90 human players with the best possible equipment they can get their hands on so half you would take on Anima while the other half took on Animus and tried to take both halves of Ideya down simultaneously.
Sadly, Animus goes down before I get the chance to show off any of its alternate forms, but luckily I’ve got Anima there as a mulligan on that.
So both sides of Ideya have some pretty powerful attacks.
They’re mostly black maelstorms that obscure everything on screen like so.
So here’s her first form change. She sucks in her little probey thing and a green core appears in the space whale’s chest area.
After you do a little more damage to her, the probey thing comes back.
And it stars spitting out even more powerful attacks at you.
Then the probey thing goes away again.
And she farts a cloud of darkness on you.
…And then grows an afro made of dark blocks.
Okay.
And then she starts hammering you with even more powerful spells. How powerful?
My HP is in the 10,000’s right now, so high the game can’t even render it properly, which is why you might have been spotting screenshots with numbers like 0099 in various stat locations because the game caps your HP at 9999. And Ideya just hit me so hard it knocked me into the red.
And that’s with a straight 9999 physical and magical defense stat for the Arc Knight too.
This is an insta-kill attack under ideal circumstances.
The only saving grace of it is that it’s a one-target attack. If it was an area-of-effect attack, that’s full-party wipe, instant game over bullshit right there.
And honestly, I’m actually surprised Level-5 didn’t just go whole hog and make it a proper Fuck You move. Because a party-microwaving insta-game over even if you’re level 90 bullshit attack from the final boss ever would be fully in their wheelhouse.
Because Level-5 always and forever hates you.
Or who knows, maybe it actually is and it just missed Yulie and Eldore miraculously for some reason.
I guess it depends on how malevolent you want to imagine Level-5 is when it comes to game design.
Hammering her down to ¼ health causes her to change forms one final time.
She then reveals her true form, something that looks a hell of a lot more interesting and threatening than a damn space whale.
And here she is, at long last, Ideya in the flesh. I’m so fucking glad we get to fight this legitimately interesting looking final boss for like the last few seconds of the battle.
In all fairness, if you were playing this game normally, her various form changes would be a little more evenly paced and even if you get her to reveal her true form, you’d still be like 20 minutes hammering away the last quarter of her health.
So now that we’re facing off against Safer Ideya, she of course is just going to start spamming all her most powerful attacks like they’re going out of style.
She’s even got her own version of Supernova. *5 minute long summoning animation not included.
It does make one big fucking bang when it lands though.
Yet even that’s not as bullshity as her last big spell. Go figure.
She even throws up a Physical Barrier to nullify all physical attacks against her in a fit of desperation now that she’s down to near 5% health.
Yet I land the killing blow mid-animation, so while the status icon appears on her target panel, it’s too late for her.
And that’s it, we’ve finally—FINALLY!!! Beaten White Knight Chronicles II completely.
Well, not completely. There are an assload of online missions, translated and untranslated, that I will not be going through, but they’re all useless fluff and contain only the scantest hints of background world building.
If I tried tackling them, I’d be here for another solid year, and I just want out.
I’m tired.
I’m done.
Ideya’s targeting icon goes inactive blue…
And she slowly, (un)satisfyingly starts to fall into the abyss below.
Orren: Holy fuck, could you take any longer?!
Ideya: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! fuck you!
Well Orren, you just killed two gods and brought an end to a 10,000 year old secret war and saved the world from certain destruction. What are you going to do next?
Orren: Retire.
CUTSCNE MUSIC: “Fly!-My Bluebird- (Violin Version)” (Game 2 OST, Track 19) – Continuing from boss battle.
So as we return to our final cutscene of the game, Ideya reels back, defeated by a mere mortal wielding a power that sprung from her essence in the first place.
Man, that’s gotta be REALLY embarrassing.
Ideya: This is not the end, Orren! I’ll be back! I swear it! You can’t hide forever! I WILL inflict White Knight Chronicles III upon the world! MARK MY WORDS!
God, those teeth…
So her HR Giger-looking ass slowly sinks into the nothingness of the other world.
Take a
And then she just literally fades out of existence.
Framboise comes running up with the Ark Core in her grip. Can we finally waste this thing now, PLEASE?!
Framboise: Orren! NOW!!!
She winds up…
And just Randy Johnson’s the thing into the air. Ya know, for a 4’0” girl with noodle arms, she’s got quite the pitch to her.
And here it comes, the moment I thought would never actually arrive—the Arc Knight actually shows up IN STORY!!!
Orren: VERTO! Framboise: …Wait, weren’t you just IN Knight form? Orren: I changed back to make things more dramatic. Framboise: Leonard does that and he usually screws everything up. Orren: Darling, what’s the one thing you’ve learned about me over all this time we’ve spent together (for reasons that still astound me)? Framboise: Uh… Orren: I’m. Not. Leonard.
Here we go! Swordo’s about to make his big debut in the plot at long last. I’m so excited.
Finally, after all this time, the Knight I spent all this time crafting and tweaking and making my own is finally getting the cutscene recognition it deserves!
I’m on the edge of my seat.
what the fuck
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
WHERE’S MY FUCKING ARC KNIGHT GONE?!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
So the Blind Sally Special Dildo Machine flies towards the Arc Crystal.
It closes in to deliver the final blow, and—
No. No, fuck no, I’m not letting this LP end with a giant pink penis stealing my glory.
Sorry Sally.
REWIND!
Now, from the top.
Cisna: Fuck you, shithead! VICTORY IS MINE AGAIN!
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, WHY?!
Cisna: Because there’s only one goddess in this world, and her name is “me”.
DOES ANYONE FUCKING ELSE WANNA SHOW UP AND RUIN THIS MOMENT ANY FURTHER?!
Oh, thank Christ, THERE’S the Arc Knight.
Okay, let’s do this Swordo.
Supermaaaaaaan!</irongiant>
Orren: Come ‘ere you little fucker, I gotta present for ya!
This thing is pretty much shitting itself right now.
Because when you absolutely positively need to break something the size of a makeup compact, be sure to use a weapon the size of a cargo van.
Fun fact: You can fuck with the game via a Game Genie and overwrite your Knight with one of the story Knights. It usually creates this horrific amalgamation of the Arc Knight and whatever story Knight you pick that is still fully summonable, provided you turn the transformation sequence off in the settings menu. Having it on hangs the game.
But anyway, if you do that here, the game shits itself and instead of rendering, say, a Sun King/Arc Knight monstrosity, it just has your Avatar make the leap in human form and destroy the core with whatever weapon you have equipped at the time.
It’s hysterical.
PWING!
The music cuts to silence and Arc Knight drifts across the screen in slow motion as the fragments of the core splinter in all directions behind it… Because Level-5 wants to take one last desperate crack at making an anime now that Gundam AGE blew up in their faces.
EXPLOSION!!!
And the Arc Knight zips away from the conflagration as it grows ever larger behind it.
Fuck me, isn’t this how Akira ended? …And Dr. Strangelove, now that I think about?
And then the game crash cuts to black.
Huh. Wouldn’t that just be all if THAT was how everything ended?
But alas, no. We’ve got a fig leaf denouement to pin on this thing to give you the illusion of it having a complete narrative arc.
So we fade in from the black abyss of blissful non-existence to find ourselves back at Guido’s Hollow.
I swear, if this is a scene with Oruro and Cyrus standing around lamenting the loss of Orren and Framboise, I’m going to punch Japan.
Like all of it. At once.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “End of the Chronicle” (Unreleased Track)
Oh hey, look at that. Orren and Framboise(‘s bodies) made it back to the real world after all.
C’mon Level-5, do it. Just fade out right here. You know you want to. I can feel you going for the button right now.
Framboise: Uugh…
Framboise: Ah! Orren! Orren! Wake up, please, Orren!
Orren: Ugh. I’d say “did anyone get the number of that truck,” but I’m pretty sure I was the truck…
Framboise: Oh my gods! I can’t believe it! We… We did it! It’s over!
She hops to her feet full to live and joy once more, knowing that for better or worse, White Knight Chronicles is finally fucking over.
Orren: Thank the gods. I’m going home and getting drunk as fuck to try and forget all of this. You hear me? DRUNK AS FUCK!Drunk as FUCK! Drunk as FUCK! Drunk as FUCK! (fuck~)
Framboise: Let’s just, eh, call it a day and head home, huh? Everyone’s probably anxious to see us come back safe, right? Come on. Race you back!
Orren: FYI: I’m punching the old man in the dick when we find him. Framboise: Get in line, sir. Get in line. Orren: Heh. Deal.
And thus Orren and Framboise walked off into the sunset together.
And that’s how it literally ends.
I’m not making it up. Don’t believe me? Watch this.
No, fuck you, Level-5. I don’t mean to make lite of torture, given recent world events, but this is like being abused by someone repeatedly and then, finally, at the end of your torment, the person doing said abuse to you turns around and thanks you for enduring said abuse.
I nearly threw my controller at the TV when I saw this message pop up on screen for the first time.
And that right there is it for the game. The end; fully and completely.
What a kick in the nads, huh?
Well, you what? I’m not gonna let it end this way.
After all this shit, we deserve better.
We deserve something more.
We deserve…
A BONUS ROUND!
”CUTSCENE” MUSIC: “Metal Cap Theme” (Super Mario 64 OST)
Let’s give the people what I want: another round of Orren kicking the shit out of the White Knight for no reason.
Orren: This doesn’t even make any fucking sense, but whatever!
Orren: Take this, you shitstick!
This is actually part of a quest called “True Knight”. It was the final DLC quest Level-5 released for the game shortly after the final Avatar Story chapter was released in August 2011. Basically it’s you (and your party) vs. all the story Knights.
Round 1 pits you off against the White Knight, Dragon Knight, and Moon Maiden all at once, while Round 2 sends you up against the Black Knight, Sun King, and Demon Knight. It’s pretty much the hardest fight in the entire game.
I’ve already defeated the Dragon Knight and Moon Maiden leaving only the White Knight to wail on now.
Take that you massive emblem of catastrophic failure.
Orren: This is NEVER getting old!
Orren: Hohoooo! Fuck me, I could do this forever!
????: While I’d love to let you do that, Master Orren, may I cut in for a moment, if you’d please… Orren: What the hell… Who the fuck are you?
????: Oh. Pardon the interruption. You see, I’m someone who… Well, let’s just say I have certain “issues’ with the White Knight myself. Namely it nearly killing me in Faria. Orren: Wait… WAAAAAAAIT! Oh my fucking gods, are you—
Marcell: Good day, fine sir. My name is Marcell. Or rather, Sir Marcell of Balandor. Orren: YOU SURIVED LEONARD?! Marcell: Indeed. I was left broken, and battered, and forgotten by that… that… Orren: Say it, kid. It’s alright. Marcell: That IDIOT! But I was nursed back to health by Archduchess Miu and General Scardigne. Orren: That was Kara the whole time. Marcell: Called it. But anyway, yes, I did indeed survive, and I was promoted to a full Holy Knight of Balandor by Her Grace the Queen. I even obtained an Incorruptus of my own, and now…
Marcell: I’ve returned to settle my score with that moron Leonard and his Knight! Orren: Lad… Be my guest. You earned it.
Marcell: O Galahardine, iron paladin, protector of the ancient innocent…
Marcell: Grant me your power…
Marcell: VERTO!
Behold, the True White Knight!
Marcell: I’ve been told “payback is a bitch,” so to speak… Let’s find out if that’s true or not.
Marcell: HIYAAAAAAAH!!!
Marcell: Oh dear gods! That felt incredible!
Marcell: Too slow, dumbass!
Marcell: I HAVE THE POWER!
Marcell: EAT THIS!
Marcell: Oh gods, please don’t let anything interrupt this.
Cisna: Son, did no one teach you about tempting fate? Marcell: Your Grace! Orren: Fucking hell…
Cisna: That’s riiiiiiight mortals.
Cisna: My turn.
Cisna: O Anthaleta, eternal empress, goddess supreme of the ancient world, grant me your power…
Cisna: VERTO!
Cisna: It’s payback time for all your fuck ups, “sweetums!”
Cisna: HUG THIS, TWATLUBER!
Cisna: Swing and a miss, as usual!
Cisna: Here, let me show you how to swing a—
Cisna: SWORD!
Cisna: I am beyond fucking done with your bullshit.
Cisna: Pfft. I can’t believe half the world made such a huge deal over your piece of shit Knight. Mine’s way better.
Cisna: NOW! Everyone all together!
Cisna: Sayonara—
Cisna: FUCKER!!!
Marcell: For Her Grace the Queen!
Marcell: …And also for me.
Orren: GET
Orren: FUCKING
Orren: BENT!!!
Orren: All’s as it should be one last time.
Orren: Piss off, dickhead. I’m done with you too.
And so the White Knight finally and forever fades away, leaving only one Knight left standing, triumphant over all others from now, till the breaking of the world.
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Quest Complete”
Now it is time to celebrate!