Part 41: Enter The Hovertank
Chapter 41: Enter The Hovertank
The following takes places between the end of the
UFO 62 -
Zander, Cooked Auto, Raptus, Pipgirl, Jetsetlemming, Count Drunkula Willcrouch,
Tsathoggua, Allen Wren and Roar attending
Bovines: With you around, that's always a danger.
Bovines: Well yeah, I'm jealous! I want to know who you had to blow to get first crack at the hovertank.
Cooked Auto: Tank people, please stop fighting! I got Snakeman now.
Bovines: Is "Free Falling" on that CD? That'll be more appropriate for you. Or maybe a special Steve Miller mix just for you. I'd call it "Fly Like A Seagull".
Allen Wren: We don't need this one around anymore. Who's got the roof snake?
Raptus: On it.
Raptus: Now what were you guys saying about free falling?
Raptus: Oh fuck me, that was a two storey fall! These are snakes, not cats! Why isn't it hurt?
Roar: It did get shot by one of its own though. I see it, it'll be no problem.
Roar: Stunned it. That's everything in the immediate area. Everyone out, move close to the UFO, I'll go peek inside for you.
Willcrouch: Did anyone hear anything from over here? I swear I heard something.
Willcrouch: Goddamn snake scared the crap out of me!
Willcrouch: JESUS WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?
Willcrouch: DIE! Any more of you assholes in the barn?
Roar: I'm ready to check the UFO. Get your psi-amps ready, I don't want to be shot on my last mission with you guys.
Allen Wren: You know at the rate things go around here you'll die on your first mission from Area 51, right?
Roar: Snakeman in the UFO, get him!
Cooked Auto: I got it.
Otto Zander: Are you still feeling OK there Auto?
Cooked Auto: I feel a lot better than the before time, thanks.
Cooked Auto: Just gotta kill this one here.
Cooked Auto: Hey, someone shot at my snake guy.
Cooked Auto: I found it!
Raptus: Good catch Auto, I've have that one under control.
Raptus: Let's finish each other off now.
Cooked Auto: NOOOOoooo! Snakey was my doing good scout!
Allen Wren: Auto, don't go relapsing on us now. Take a rest, I think we got them all.
SELECTED FAN ENTRIES
Allen Wren posted:
Memo From the Janitorial Desk
Allen Wren, chief custodian
Today's subject: Dispelling vicious rumors. I was asked by my department head, the Director of Facilities, to cover a few topics of import in his place---apparently, as a known face around the complex, I'm more trustworthy. Whichever. Though we understand some of this information will not apply to those of you who are slated for transfer to our alternate facility, I ask that you read it anyway. Humor me.
First and foremost, the unexplained detonations occurring outside the lab annex's testing center. These actions were committed by members of my own staff, whom I am very, very displeased with. I understand as well as any of you that we're something of a rag-tag organization, home to a few loose cannons and looser screws. That completely did not come out right. Anyway. It got into the heads of a couple members of my staff (whom I will not name in this missive) that the best way to remove certain stains from bulkhead walls and floors was to obtain grenades and/or plastique from the weapons stores and to apply it to the stains with extreme prejudice. And, in my opinion, extreme stupidity. We have bleach for a reason. Bleach cleans everything. If the bleach doesn't work, add soap. If the bleach and soap don't work, add ammonia. And don't breathe.
I take no responsibility for the actions of idiots and have taken steps to prevent such things from occurring in the future. Also, I have asked Otto to look into the armory's security issues. I don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night for anything less than a real emergency again.
Maybe a really good sandwich. I'm talking a proper cheesesteak. Pepper whiz wit.
Secondly. We have captured a Chryssalid. Yay, go us. Now. Do NOT bother it. Do NOT go into its holding area. The LAST thing I want is one of you chuckleheads to set off another Kiryu-Kai. Ask "The X" Spandy "Man" about what happened there. Ask Dirdum "duh-dum-dum," or "Dragnet" Dirdum, for short. Ask "Pietaster" Jon. Oh, wait, you can't. 'cos the Chryssalids got them and they're DEAD. Side note: No, we are not breeding them for meat. There is no alien meat in the cafeteria. Only human ingenuity can get food to taste THAT bad.
Thirdly. Unnecessarily prying inquiries into the lives of your fellow X-Commers can and will be considered harassment. Mine, especially. For the last time, people, I am NOT sleeping with Dr. Takakumi. If I DO end up in a relationship with the Doctor, then I will admit as such. Until that time, get the HELL off my case.
Finally, one more thing you people are doing that's giving me agita. Somewhere along the way, some information got misconstrued, and it became de rigeur for agents to simply wander off-base, mingle with the locals, enjoy an evening on the town. Ops Branch, Science Branch and Facilities Branch all have no idea who gave you that idea. But as it'd be impossible (and terrible) to attempt to control the outward flow of agents, we simply ask that you try---even just a little bit---to keep from waving our existence in the face of the common man. If I ever find out which of you are involved in the "X-Com Sex Bombs," I may have to let Lily use you for science experiments. Invasive ones.
On a lighter note, good luck to all A51 transfers! We'll miss you and hope for the best for you.
Out there in the desert. In a dry lakebed. In the middle of nowhere.
Special Liason to the Embassy of The Lunar Bullshit Emirates.
Audio Playback Beginning
Trainee Torlon's audio log number something or other. I never expected to say this but things are starting to get boring as hell. So little seems to be going on right now but the voices talk about a massive disaster just around the corner but at the same time say they are disappointed at the lack of death on the recent missions. I figure it's only a matter of time before they try to convince me to kill everyone but luckily I'm too lazy to kill everyone.
As for everyone else there is very little activity on base and they really aren't letting me do anything anymore. The good doctor Takakumi has stopped bothering me, she's either doesn't need my help anymore or doesn't trust me. Actually I think she might've just forgotten about me because she's left me access at the X-Com files and even some of her own personal research. I haven't looked at it too closely out of fear of becoming one of the files, the perpitual motion machine is kind of neat partly because she wasn't able to remove friction so once activavted it quickly turns into a pile of burning multen scrap. The jar of electro goo is interesting though, maybe she's more the biochemist then I gave her credit for but I'd rather not end up in the jar so I think I should move on to something else. Time for a nice shiny change of topic, Ms. Cuddles has gotten out time to time but she seems less likely to pounce on me because she's gotten slightly attached to me, I guess I've always been good with animals.
I could go on about the people but like I said not much is going on on base but something has been bugging me recently. Why are the aliens here? What do they want? I mean if they wanted humanity dead they could've just destroyed us by now, the larger crafts could easily go Independence Day on us or just drop an asteroid on the planet. Hell just get a larger UFO and send it full speed at earth and boom humanity basically dead in months. But no, they show up and only fire on X-Com or on random people during terror missions... What do they want? All of their tech has a base in the element we haven't even discovered naturally yet so it's unlikely they want our recourses. One can only wonder what would've happen if we could've talked to the aliens before this turned into a war. So... if they don't want our planet and they haven't destroyed humanity, which they are clearly capable of doing, so they must want us. Now the real question is what do they want us for? Slavery? Food? Pets? Lab mice? Or do they want us to join them?
Fuck my head hurts, I think I'll just go get drunk and wait for something to happen. As it turns out my name won't come up soon for a mission, at least working with the doc gave me something to do. Even if it has caused several people to end up in the med bay in one form or another.
Trainee Torlon signing off
Audio Playback halted
Missive from Dr. Takakumi to all Xcom Personnel
Dear staff and soldiers,
Once I find it which one of you created the following photo and posted it in several prominent locations round base, I will consider you as having permanently volunteered to serve as a test subject for any experiment I desire. I refuse to attach the original, falsified image, no doubt taken from some crude pornography, and instead have attached a reproduction :
Suffice to say, such incidents will not be tolerated, and Ms. Cuddles will hereby be patrolling the halls in her MEOW, with permission to taser-tail anyone acting suspicious.
You all have been warned.