Part 4: Four-Star Badass
Part 4: Four-Star Badass
quote:
Dear Diary,
Time for some rack time. Probably will play pool again with Leroy later. She’s a real hustler, but pretty funny.
Finally got promoted to Assault Squaddie today, thank goodness…the little grey guys, the Sectoids, pack a punch with those plasma guns of theirs, but they die pretty easily too. I hope someone figures out a way to take ‘em alive, soon, though…we need access to an unexploded version of their weapons, and it’d be nice to interrogate one to figure out what the hell they want.
Though, on second thought, they don’t even have mouths, do they? How the hell would we interrogate one? Hmm. Maybe interface with their cybernetic implants somehow?
Secondary thoughts: lots of women on this base. Incredible women. Time look up the XCOM manual’s policy on fraternization…
WATKINS! Report back to duty on the double! Emergency mission from the Council!
What?
Commander, time is precious, so we will be…
brief. You will be compensated substantially if you are able to save a VIP, General Van Dorn, from being kidnapped by aliens. The attack began fifteen minutes ago and his bodyguards will not able to hold out very long.
You heard the big man, Squaddies. Into the Skyranger!
Glad I didn’t take any sleeping pills…
Hope he can hold out, it’ll take over an hour to get there.
Hold up. XCOM is protecting the earth from aliens. Why don’t we already have the best of the best working for us?
*cough*Bradford*cough*
No, it’s not just that. Look at us. An out-of-work fashionista, a hardcore comic book/fantasy geek and a Computer Science Major drop-out, as soldiers to fight space aliens with superior weaponry? It doesn’t add up.
Keep your mind on the job, please. Also: thank you for implying I am a screw-up like the rest of you. It means a lot to me.
Erp!
I’m the squad leader today. Move forward and check for survivors, especially Van Doorn.
Somebody sure blew the shit out of this place. Lots of green plasma scars…stay frosty!
Nobody in real life says “Stay Frosty!” Now move!
*Cough* *gasp* *wheeeze*
A survivor! Can you walk?
*wheeeeeze* *gasp* There’s a man… a man in a suit…
Huh?
The general’s up ahead…watch out for the man in the suit! The Thin Maaaan!
The Tall Man? Like, from Phantasm?
Thin Maaaaan!
Hrrm…
General Van Doorn’s GPS signal is right ahead, in that depression where the highway partly collapsed. Hope he’s not dead.
Just keep an eye open for that Slender Man.
Thin Maaaaan!
THIN Man. Whatever.
AAAAH! THIN MAN!
It’s an alien that looks like a human!
With a fucking big gun!
And a really cheap suit! Looks like Action Wada brand!
…
what?
I
told you, I’m a fashion designer, it’s my job to know! Anyway. He’s behind a car door. I’m gonna blast him out!
He’s still up! I’ll back you up!
Thin man down!
Jesus, why
weren’t you classified a Sniper, Naomi?
I don’t like camping.
Aaah! He left behind this huge…cloud…of gunky ugly-looking nasty shit! How high-pressure was his blood? I don’t want to walk through that, I just cleaned my uniform!
NOBODY walks through it. We’ll just…wait for it to settle or go around.
HEY! What the hell is going on over there? Friendlies?
Yeah, friendlies!
About fucking time! I’ve been out of ammo for hours! I had to kill one by beating it to death with my shoes!
Sectoids!
Lost my knife trying to cut a hole where the grey’s mouth oughta be. Fulla filthy yellow shit, they have piss for blood.
Nice ’n’ clustered, I’ll take ‘em out with a grenade…
Challenged the big purple gorilla one to an honorable fist match, broke my left hand breaking its face…
Purple gorilla?
Killed two more by turning my car into a battering ram, killed SIX more by lighting its gas tank on fire afterwards…
Dude, shut up!
I just killed two more sectoids while you were busy yapping! Get up here!
Throw me a gun! I ain’t done killin’ and there’s more out there!
No can do, General Van Doorn, our guns are encoded so nobody but us can use them. Sorry. Look, just run back up the way we came, we’ll cover you.
Blue hair!? That ain’t fucking regulation! What the hell kind of outfit are you from, soldier?!
The kind where accidentally getting permanent blue hair is par for the course!
Oh, you mean the orange goo stuff? Huh, guess you are the right people.
Yes. Please let us do our jobs and get you out of here, sir.
Fine… almost made it to a hundred, though…
Leroy, get up here with the VIP. Everyone else, keep an eye out for anything that moves. If one those sectoids across the chasm pops it head up, I want us to blast it.
Strike-one, there’s some sort of small heat signature heading your way.
Behind you!
AAAH! THIN MAN!
SHIT!
KILL IT!
I think we got him, guys! Stop firing!
Christ, he just dropped out of the fucking sky! Can they fly?
Nah, but they can jump good! There’ll probably be a few more of ‘em dropping down outta nowhere as we go. Keep an eye out!
Okay, so, we have to keep a sharp eye going back, and remember there’s still a sectoid or two behind us. Stay frosty.
NOBODY SAYS THAT!
TWO MORE! Open fire!
X-ray down!
I got the other one!
Van Doorn, move up! And stay out of the poison clouds.
Whew. Thanks. Sorry for busting your chops, girls, I get mean in the heat of the moment.
Hey, we’re not
all girls!
Whatever.
Circle back and kill any straggler sectoids, team, and then we call it a day.
CRAP! Found one!
I’m staring it right in its eyes.
…
…you have such pretty eyes…
…
…
…
…yes, master… NO! Get outta my head! DIE!
Allen, you okay?
I’m fine, I’m fine… fuckin’ sorcerers…
All aliens dead! Prepare for return trip!
Kids, you saved my life, but your coordination is SHIT! You need a proper officer program. And I’m sending you my best killer to keep you company and straighten you out. MY DAUGHTER!
Your what?!
Congratulations, Allen, you killed four aliens in one mission, that’s worth a promotion. Learn anything out there?
Yessir, I learned to keep my head the hell down!
Perfect! Now, everyone get some rest. Bradford, put our new recruit through orientation.
Of course.