Part 1: Episode I: Captain Beardsley and the Prologue That Will Be Sorta, Kinda Explained 60 Hours From Now

Episode I: Captain Beardsley and the Prologue That Will Be Sorta, Kinda Explained 60 Hours From Now


Welcome to Xenogears. As a change of pace, there is no spoiler filled intro or anything this time around. We’ll just be jumping straight into a prologue that has pretty much nothing to do with the actual narrative until WAY far into the future. And even then... Well, let’s just get started...


We open by quoting from Revelation. Yeah... It’s gonna be those kinda stories... I hope you’ve brushed up on your random bible quotes and Christian symbolism. Cuz I sure haven’t...

Music: Light from the Netherworlds


We go straight from bible quotes to space: the final frontier. What does God need with a starship? Well, just because it is God doesn’t mean He lacks the occasional lazy afternoon where He just feels like hitching a ride across town.


Anyhow, it is a very big starship. Or...well, maybe the cameraman is just massive and the spacecraft is really tiny due to a screwed up perspective...? Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it? Very deep.


See...? There’s even cute little space cities inside the thing. It looks like a lil’ human ant farm. Wait... No! Don’t tap on the glass! It specifically states you shouldn’t tap on the glass!




Well, Goddammit... I hope you’re happy now! Now nobody gets to look at the tiny space people anymore!




Anyhow, something seems to be going very wrong aboard the Galactica. Some jerk networked the mainframes to get more FPS in The Witcher 2 and now the Cylons are all up in everyone’s shit. Good job, Phil. I bet you couldn’t even make it past the tutorial fight.


An automated voice chimes in saying someone has done fucked up and sounds the alarms. You all like techno jargon? I certainly hope so!


“Omega-1 restarting...”


“Alpha 1 genome...restructuring."


"Confirming exon replacement. Base code 85 million, 100 million! Its speed is overwhelming!"




"Alpha 1 to Razael Central. Access confirmed. Initializing fake net. Disconnected. Activating emergency shelter...denied."


“"Contamination is spreading widely. Captain!?"
”I...understood like three words of all of that... Uhh... I don’t know...”
"Cut off the cables manually."




The control operator girl purges the shit out of that scrumble.


A “scrumble” is apparently some safety device that just kind of falls off to disconnect wiring in case of an emergency.


But, whatever this vague threat is has no need for any bitch ass wires. And it keeps on truckin' through...whatever it is truckin' through.


Meanwhile, at the Death Star’s core...


"Omega 1, they are attacking! We can't stop them. 98% of our weapons have been taken over!"




"The auto pilot system, Deus, has been accessed and its phase space logic is being rewritten. Argo-area is increasing. An internal plane is forming. Switching to space displacement mode."


"Alpha 1, confirming transfer coordinate codes. Coordinates input, coordinate NX128EZ061. The main planet!"
”Ah hell... That sounds bad... That’s bad, right? You put a lot of emphasis on that stuff about the planet...”
“Very, very bad sir!”
“Thought so...”


“Damn, so they’re planning on attacking? Engine room...”


“Activate the emergency sealing system. Engine room? Engine—"




”Hell... Lisa, was the Engine Room Extension #5 or #6? I always forget...”
“It is still numb—“




”Alright, whose cute idea was it to switch the emergency message with quotes from Genesis?”
“I...don’t think that was any of us, sir... That shouldn’t even be possible...”
“It’s not even quoted right! ‘You’ should be ‘Ye’. In either case...ah crap... I’ve been space captain of enough vessels in my time to know what to do here...”


"See that all civilians and passengers are safely transported to the escape shuttles. I will send a dispatch after evacuation is complete. I am evacuating the ship. All of you. Evacuate...now."
”Sir?!”
“Look... I know my JRPGs and I know my Space. If YHWH shows up in either, it’s time to get the hell out of town...”






The civilians of the massive space craft perform the world’s quickest and most efficient panicked sudden evacuation of a ship in recorded history and blast off to safety.






Except...somebody forgot to turn off the auto-defense turrets before the ships launched...




”Oh...crap... I am so fired, aren’t I...?”


If that wasn’t bad enough, nobody sprayed the ship for worms this month and now it’s lousy with giant space parasites.


”Welp... At a time like this, there’s only one thing for an old space captain like me to do...”


“Where’d I put that flask...?”




“Oh, Marty. You drink too much! Oh, Marty! You forgot our anniversary! Oh, Marty! You forgot to turn off the auto-defense turrets and got all the civilians killed! Nag, nag, friggin’ nag...”


*grumble* “Maybe I left a bottle in the mini-fridge...”


“5-5-5-5. Come on, lousy thing. Open up already...”


“Hey... Wait a second... This isn’t the console to bring up the mini-fri—“






And so the giant cross shaped spaceship explodes over the orbit of a nearby planet. Too bad. I was looking forward to playing as old Captain Beardsley and his anime hair colored staff...




From out of the wreckage of the doomed spaceship comes a single survivor: a purple haired girl.


...A nekkid girl. Sure, that works. I bet that radio broadcaster during the Hindenburg disaster wouldn’t be screeching about the “humanity” if a naked anime girl popped out of the fires.




The mysterious girl silently watches some of the wreckage burn up over the ocean as we fade to white. I’m sure all of this business we just witness will be cleared up in short order...


Anyhow, see you next time for a 10,000 year time skip!










Xenogears Prologue FMV (You should probably watch this.)



Music: Light from the Netherworlds
Music: Dark Daybreak (Orchestral Remix)




Ship Crew Concept Art