Part 40: Episode XXXVIII: The Dragon-Slaying Slacker vs. The World...Again!

Episode XXXVIII: The Dragon-Slaying Slacker vs. The World...Again!


”You’re just gonna stand around here and wait for me to do everything by myself again, aren’t you?”
“Well, it is a one-on-one tournament, after all. Is it not? What would you propose I do?”
“Yeah, yeah...” *grumble*


Welp, Weltall may have blown the fuck up yesterday. But...the game is just gonna kind of forget about that. The Gear has been fully patched up and is ready to go again. So, back to C Block it is...

Music: Stage of Death


Now that we kind of sort of have Weltall back, Hammer has opened up a Gear store for Fei. This won’t help us at all as far as Battling goes. But meh...might as well upgrade while we’re in the neighborhood.






Hammer’s Gear Shop has upgrades for all components of our Gear. It isn’t essential to upgrade just yet, seeing as we’ve still got an entire on-foot dungeon to suffer through before we’ll ever get to use Gears in battle again. But we’ll be making a good chunk of scratch in this upcoming tournament. So it doesn’t hurt to stock up early.

Fei talks to the receptionist after shopping...


“Heinrich Clive has also had mechanical problems and has pulled out. This means you, Fei, win by default and can compete in day 2's bouts!"
”I didn’t get disqualified for having my Gear explode 20 seconds into my first match?”
“Look, the other two guys got ripped in half down in the sewers and are in no condition to pilot Gears at the moment. People want to see giant robots pound each other into scrap metal. The rules are quite flexible in regards to replacements for the meat grinder. Now are you in or what?”
“...Whatever.”
"If you win 2 matches today, the second day of the games, you can progress on to the third set of bouts. Do you want to enter the bouts for day two?"
“Let me in!”


If you’re actually playing the game. You’re going to get REALLY sick of this sequence.


We have to stand around and wait for 10-15 seconds while Weltall gets lifted into position off-camera.


And then two more prompts before Fei finally runs into the next room to begin the damn battle. This happens for every new opponent. So, during the course of this update I sat through this thing four times. I’ll never get that two minutes of my life back...

Music: Steel Giant


Anyway, time for Day 2 – Bout 1. The Gear that will Slay God vs. a Random Battle from the first Gear Dungeon...


There’s nothing really to talk about regarding battling. If the area we fight in looks a bit familiar, that’s because they were lazy and just used the World Map as the battleground for the arena.


Battling Matches, assuming one’s Gear doesn’t explode due to tampering, are best two out of three. I’ve never found much in the way of strategy for these things. Running away at the beginning and firing off Ether Shots to soften up the target and then running in with an XXX combo over and over seems to be more than effective to take care of just about everything in this tournament.


Upon victory, Weltall steals Heihachi Mishima’s old win pose from Tekken where he looks like he’s taking an electric shit. You know the one.


And that is one round down. Now time to go through the motions to set up the second match of the day. The following takes place every time too...


"Here's the prize money paid to winners of a Battling bout. It's well earned!" *Fei receives prize money*
"Oh and Supervisor B will pay you a special bonus. Keep up the good work!" *Fei receives more prize money. Why the hell don’t they just make it one lump sum so I don’t have to hit X three extra times?*


Anyhow. Our first victory nets us 300G and 100G respectively. Not exactly gonna put food on the table with that kind of winnings. So, let’s go for our second and final bout of the day.


...Man, they are not even trying with these lame versus screens.




Our second bout is against a Kislev Military Gear with a big ass hammer. Since...why not? I don’t think standard Kislev Gears come equipped with oversized work tools. But there ya go.


I wonder how many Battling matches the C Block arena has per day. I mean, presumably there is only one fight at a time given it takes place in a giant, several mile wide dome. I don’t think I have ever had a two round Battling bout take more than two minutes. Given the prep time before the match begins making sure everything is ready to go. Then the time it must take to clear out the fallen Gear and clean up the arena...that’s a pretty abysmal turnover rate between idle time and action. It’s almost as bad as a football game.

In any case, our earnings for the second bout are 500G + 200G.




At this point we’re told to fuck off for the day. So Fei must huff it ALL the way back to the dorm in D Block and go to sleep for the evening and then huff it ALL the way back to C Block to continue the tournament. Gameplay!

- Semi-Finals –






The first bout of the third day is against some crazy ass Gear with two giant hovercraft engines duct taped to its shoulders. It seems to like dashing around quite a bit thanks to that.


750G + 200G Reward Money. Next!






The final fight of the day is against another Kislev Gear. This one is packing Sephiroth’s Masamune and an assault rifle. This guy is kind of a pain in the ass, since all of his attacks seem to launch Weltall half a mile back.


1000G + 300G is the prize for winning the semi-finals. This has been a breeze. Unfortunately...there is going to be a bit of delay before we can go head-to-head with Ricardo in the finals and get out of his hellhole of a town.

Fei backtracks to the dorm and goes to sleep. The next morning...

Music: Invasion


”I wonder why nobody else sleeps down here... Doc and Hammer seem to be the only people beside myself that ever even go down here. Weird... “

Rico lumbers downstairs...


"Hey, you're... Rico!? What are you doing here?"
”You already kicked my ass and slapped a bomb collar on me. What do you wa—“
“...”
“...Y-You’re not here to...to give me a D Block Handshake, are you...?”
“No... That is not really my kind of thing...”
“...Oh thank God!”
"Calm down, kid! I didn't come here to fight with you..."
"Then what purpose do you have here? What other reason could you have?"
"What is going on out there? This is a place for rest! Can you be a bit quieter..."

Citan wanders in from the back...


<Hmm. And here I thought Fei was merely making bad Street Fighter jokes out of habit...>
"What would the likes of you have to do coming to a prison barracks? There must be some special reason for you to grace us with your presence?"
"Yes there is. ...I came in regards to the incident of the explosion during the first rounds of the Battling contest."
"Explosion incident? ... Oh, you mean what happened the other day!"
”...Yes. The incident. Where you exploded. One would think that would stick out in your mind a bit more.”
“Naw. That’s like the third time Weltall exploded this month.”
"The explosion accident that Fei was enveloped in during that bout? What has that got to do with you?"
"...I'm sorry. That 'accident' was set up by my subordinates! After the results of your 'Baptismal Ceremony', it seems my men didn't come to like you very much..."
”It was all the fighting quotes, wasn’t it...?”
“...It didn’t help.”
"So they made it look like an accident, but it really was meant to kill Fei... But why tell us now? Did they come clean and confess the crimes they committed?"


“You're the doctor, don't you know what's been happening? What's going on here in the Imperial capital's D Block?"
"You mean the series of mysterious murders that happened in the sewers!?"
”That what happened where now...?!”
"...Yes. A line of skilled Battlers have been murdered one after the other! All of the victims that have been killed were my subordinates..."
”...What were they all doing in the sewers?”
“Do not fret about the details!”
"Kid... I mean, Fei...! They were the very people who had set that trap to kill you!"
"So what are you trying to say? That their deaths are connected to me somehow!?"
”Cuz you JUST told me they set me up... Unless I developed time travel powers in my sleep, I dunno how I’m involved...”
"Let us see... The murdered Battlers had set a trap to try and kill Fei... When Fei comes to know of this he has good reason to kill them... Out of hatred of his would-be killers, he plots revenge on the Battlers. And turns to 'murder'!"
”Doc, what the HELL?!”
“So you can see where I am coming from, doctor.”
“Man, SCREW both of you! Heck the only person I’d have a reason to kill would be you, Ricky. And you’re still standing from what I can tell. If I had a vendetta against every jerk that attempted to kill me lately, I’d have left a body trail from here to Lahan.”
“I am simply stating what people in D Block are thinking...”


"Exactly! This morning there was yet another victim...the fifth! It's not unusual for people to die in the sewers. If you become weak, you die...that's providence! But 5 Battlers were killed in a row! That this is unprecedented alone casts doubt on you. To say that I don't doubt you would be lying, but I don't think you are guilty, either. The only thing that can prove your innocence is if there is any truth in that story going round... The story of a monster in the sewers that is strong enough to kill 5 Battlers!"
”So ARE there monsters in the sewers?”
“Of course.”
“And has anyone been killed by monsters in the sewers before I came here?”
“Occasionally...”
“And has anyone fought a big boss monster down there lately?”
“...Not to my knowledge.”
“And is this chapter titled ‘Sewer Horror’?”
“Now that is just utilizing facts inadmissible in court!”
“Does the ‘D’ in ‘D Block’ stand for DUMB? Cuz that’s all I can think of at the moment. This is the dumbest thing I have heard lately. And that is counting the fact doc told me Bart has a Gear sized steering wheel installed on the back of his sand cruiser.”
“Be that as it may...”
"For the sake of my men too, I am about to check out the sewers. I've said what I wanted to say..."

Rico turns to leave...


“I want to prove to you that I am innocent myself!"
"You want to tag along, huh? I don't care. But you've got to look after your own neck!"
”I’ve got a friggin’ bomb strapped to my neck. I look after it a LOT lately... Besides, if you go down in the sewers and get eaten I’ll probably get blamed for that too. So let’s just get this retarded thing over with.”
"It is up to Fei himself to prove that he has been falsely suspected... There is no alternative, then. Please allow me to accompany you in solving this sewer murder case!"
"...The doctor too? I don't take any responsibility if anything happens to you...!"
”Very well. I, in turn, will not take any responsibility for anyone who falls ill whilst we investigate the sewer.”


And so, 17 hours into the game, we finally get a three man team for an entire dungeon. Too bad it is one of the worst dungeons in the entire game...










Ricardo Banderas Concept Art – Out of the 300 page Perfect Works artbook, poor Rico gets a solitary page dedicated to him with the note from the artist basically amounting to “this one took me like an afternoon to develop. Yeah...I know he looks like Blanka. I’ve heard it. Thanks.”