The Let's Play Archive


by The Dark Id

Part 97: Episode XCIV: Solaris is a Sillier Place

Episode XCIV: Solaris is a Sillier Place

"I'm an Imperial Special Forces lieutenant, Elhaym Van Houten. I have just completed the collection of the special levy of the 3rd Class level. I am now in the process of taking this surface dweller back to HQ. Any problems with that?"
(G, Gebler!?)
“N, no, no problems... Please, go on.”
”Not gonna lie. That was pretty hot.”

Alright. That’s the last security checkpoint between the 3rd Class Citizen block and the 2nd Class area. Welp, get ready to get your goosestep on...

Music: Solaris, Eden of Heaven (You should really listen to this.)

Uhh... So this isn’t exactly the fascist Sky Berlin I was expecting... It’s like more Star Wars collided with a 1980s consumerism wasteland. And that music... Well, I guess we should speak with a few Solarians to see what life is like up in this part of the clouds.

“The Central Control Bureau will pick the very best match for you. Our motto is ‘Good matches make good descendants.’ We are the seed that came from it, so of course we are the best.”
”Maybe some other time.”
“Fei, don’t talk to people! You’re not speaking the same language. You don’t want to raise any suspicions, do you?”
“And you whispering the translation in my ear as they speak isn’t suspicious?”
*sigh* “Let’s just all agree not to sp—“

“But it has absolutely nothing to do with us. As long as the Emperor is with us, we can live in peace. Jumping out of a frying pan just might land you in the fire... That stupid Ramsus hasn’t learned that yet.”
”Tell me about it...”
“If you don’t want me to talk back to these people then stop translating everything.”

“There are none of the crimes, disasters, or wars like on earth. Look, I should have lost this arm in an accident, but with Solaris’ biosampling. Look, no scar. Science makes everything possible for us.”
”Neat. Maybe we should get Bart a new eye while we’re here. You can do that, right?”
“I have a feeling Bart would wear an eyepatch still, regardless of whether he was missing an eye or not.”
“...Good point.”

The big news around town is a Dedication Ceremony taking place shortly. It’s never mentioned what, exactly, is being dedicated. But Emperor Cain is going to speak and anybody who’s anybody is gonna be there to see it. So, of course, we need to do the same. Our new objective is to find some tickets.

And it just so happens there’s a handy Solarian mall nearby for all our shopping needs.

The store here features upgrades in armor for everyone, as well as a bunch of upgraded bullet types for Billy. Not a bad idea to stock up. I’m sure we’ll end up fighting half of Solaris sooner or later. After all our dealings in Aveh...Kislev...Aquvy...Shevat...Aveh again...and so on have ended up with massive brawls. When we’re done shopping here, we can hopefully pick up some Dedication ceremony tickets in the next booth over.

“VIP seating for the Dedication is all sold out. Please enjoy it on Homevision.”
”Great. Now what?”
“We find a ticket scalper. I thought you’d be better at this.”
“Oh... That makes sense. I was just thinking of fighting our way into the audience.”
“Fei, please try not to get into any fights while we’re in the middle of the capital of the strongest military force on the planet.”
“...No promises.”

Oh well. Looks like we’re going to have to find those tickets another way. My adventure game senses tell me that bugging every nearby civilian in the area is the best way to solve this problem. So let’s start that by entering the nearest apartment block and bothering people in their homes. This apartment complex has two floors with an apartment on each to the west and east. First up...

Just some peo—BIG JOE?! WHAT?!

Big Joe offers not insight as to how in the flying fuck he made it onto Solaris. He’s just busy practicing his dance moves. That not my kind of guy...

Across the hall we have a Final Fantasy VII cameo. NOMURAAAAAAAA!

Next floor...

“You can rest easy if you send your data to the Central Control Bureau regularly. I’ve heard they’re lying around on the ground in places for data collecting.”
”Wait. The save points are an actual thing? A thing that Solaris watches?”
“I guess.”
“Didn’t Chrono Cross have that same plot point?”
“Yes. But they had an extra year to make it slightly less of a shoe-horned in plot point. Save points actually did something beyond a vague fourth wall breaking ‘saving’ there.”
“Man, it’s sad if Chrono Cross is beating us in ANYTHING involving plot.”
“Just a tad bit.”

Next apartment over...

“And after putting up with all that to get tickets... Hey, you kids. Need tickets to the Dedication? Kids like you really should go see it!”
“Forget the money. Just hurry or you'll miss it. I'm going to watch it on Homevision.”
”That was...surprisingly painless.”
“Don’t complain.”

Alright, now that we have the ticket (I guess it’s a +1 affair) we are free to go watch the Emperor give his speech. Well, let’s get to it...

Music: The Blue Traveler

Quite the crowd for the event. Anyone else notice that everyone in Solaris has blonde hair outside of people in our party...?

The Solarian airforce even puts on a big show for the event. I hope Bart is nowhere near this part of the city.

And up from the center of the imperial dome rises Emperor Cain. It is nice to see him getting out from the void dimension where he occasionally phoned up Citan and the Gazel Ministry.

“We have opened the door to 'Mahanon'... the place where god rests, the source of wisdom and power. The surface dwellers will no doubt use this opportunity to seize its power. However, there is no need to be concerned... As long as Solaris has this power... Let's show stupid beasts, the Lambs, our real power.”

And the sky darkens overhead to demonstrate Solaris’ overwhelming power...the power of...

A bitchin’ fireworks display!

The crowd goes wild...

"Sorry... Did you say something?"
*shakes head* "'Did I say something'? Are you okay? You're zoning. Your mind's not here."
"S, sorry. I was just thinking. And this crowd's noisy."
”It is not every day you get to see the God-Emperor of Humanity hold a rally.”
“That’s the Emperor of Solaris...? Does he ever take off the Halloween mask?”
“Of course not.”
“Then how do you know that’s really him? It could be a Chu-chu on stilts underneath there, for all you know.”
“Fei, could you please stop loudly questioning the authenticity of the Emperor in the middle of a paying crowd of loyal Solarians that came to see the Emperor?”


Krelian pops up on a hover platform next to Cain. Nobody uses stairs anymore. It’s all hover platforms all the time for the Gazel of Solaris.


"That's Krelian. He's the real leader of Solaris. He doesn't appear in public very often. That's all I know."
"He's... the leader of Solaris? What... Why do I feel... Something seems familiar."

Music: The Treasure Which Cannot Be Stolen

We now flashback to Fei praying in Nisan Cathedral. But...

"Krelian. You're back?"
*nods* "I just got back last night. You came back home to get paints, right? Sophia told me. Allow me to accompany you."
*shakes head* "Is that okay?"
*folds arms* "Yeah. I'll leave someone else in command of my unit. Because of Solaris, things are a lot more dangerous these days. Anyway, wouldn't you feel more secure if you were with me?"

“What's the name of the teacher you're studying under?"

"Sophia told me the best way to calm the heart is to read a book... It's a good opportunity. And it has sparked my interest in studying ...Now, I'm reading 3 books a day."

"...The art of war, that's all you think about......"
*shakes head* "Hey, that's mean. You know, I'm the best of all of his students."
"I see...... That's great, it sounds like you found something to put your heart into......"
"What do you mean? You have something. Your pictures are splendid. You should be thankful......"

“This will save people's lives. Isn't that right, Melchior? With this even Sophia will..."

Music: The Blue Traveler

*shakes head* "Uh, it's... nothing... But that guy, Krelian... I feel like... I've met him before..."
”Only he had bright blue hair and kept calling me a weird name.”

"Do you understand? Shall I translate?"
"Yeah, please."

“However, there are foolish beasts here defiling our holy land with their feet. These beasts destroyed the gate and want to remove the Emperor from the throne in the confusion. This is a grave matter, the Emperor's throne has been polluted. We cannot rest yet. Those imbeciles have been caught and shackled like the dogs they are!"


Elly runs in front of Fei to stop him from running in like a moron...

(What if they find out you're a land dweller?)
(Sorry, couldn't help it. They've been caught! Damn... Let's go! We gotta help them......)
(Wait! He's still talking...)
('To revive our progenitors, the Gazel of old... The day after tomorrow, these land dwellers will be disposed of in the Soylent System'.)
(Revive Gazel? Soylent System? What's that?)
('Gazel' are purebreed Solaris people... the word means 1st Class citizens. ...But, in this case, it probably means 'the Gazel Ministry'. Long ago the members of the Gazel Ministry lost their fleshly bodies in order to protect the Solaris people. I've heard the Soylent System is an important support system for Solaris, but I don't know much else. Anyway, it's probably a cover for some kind of experiment...)
(I understood like maybe a quarter of that. It’s bad. Right? Good enough. Time to bust some heads.)
(Do NOT start busting random peoples' heads, Fei!)

"Don't tell me what to do! I'm going! Those guys won't stop me."
"That's why I said wait! We don't know what's going on over there. If we just run out there brazenly, we might just fall into the same trap! The palace is on alert so we need to investigate... We don't even know where they were taken prisoners. We still have 2 days, I'm sure there's a way to help them. We must find it."
"How do you know we have two whole days? What if they change their mind and then tomorrow... I mean, it is possible isn't it?"
”For all we know, they could already be executed and they’re just putting on a show for the crowd.”
“Not helping!”

"Maybe... But there's nothing we can do, right? Citan wasn't there, which means he's probably watching the broadcast somewhere right now. First we must find him. He knows the layout of the central core of the city better than I do. So let's not do anything careless, okay?"
"Where is he? We need him!"
*shakes head* "How should I know?"
"Don't be a snot. You haven't thought anything out at all!"
"I'm just saying, we have to be careful!"
”Throwing a shit fit in public is NOT HELPING! Knock it off!”

Everyone nearby turns around toward Fei and Elly’s argument. A stormtrooper wanders over to investigate...

Music: Fuse

”My apologies, soldier. I am officer Van Ho—“
"Look! We've been discovered!"
”Dammit, Fei!”
"It's because you keep raising your voice!"
*runs off* "This way!!"

Elly and Fei run off back toward the plaza...

The guard decides it’s far too much effort to chase after a couple of kids. I’m sure the security drones can handle it.

“... suspicious persons... sighted in Arbor Plaza... Investigating...”
"Elly, they're here!"
"If those Security Cubes catch us, we're in big trouble! Fei, this way!"

Action Elhaym Away!

“... Stop! Desist from moving!
"I'll have to jump!!"
”Please don’t get knocked out and end up in another prison! Please don’t get knocked out and end up in another prison!”

Action Fei Away! That has a slightly better ring to it...

“... affirmative...”

The two Security Cubes hover below...

“... suspects, escaped!! ... emergency response!”

And so Fei, Elly, and the security drones enter yet another sewer level. This game...

Music: Solaris, Eden of Heaven

Past Krelian Concept Art – Look, blue hair was all the rage 500 years ago, alright?