Part 2: Lahan

Lahan

Ok, I'm going to take the advice and transcribe long bits of text to save your browsers. Sometimes I'll paraphrase.


So first I go talk to our maid, what follows is

Maid: ...When they first saw you brought in all bloody and soaken, to tell you the truth, they didn't think you were going to make it. And that strange masked man who carried you here that day... Do you think that maybe he was your real father? Don't you remember anything? Why, they said you had terrible nightmares and constantly called out for your father

This calls for a flashback


I decide to go check my bed, let's just say I have a hunch

This is where we learn that Fei is fucking paranoid. He lives in the chief's house, in a small village full or "nice people" and he still hides his money.

Well, let's go upstairs

This is my super-best friend. He's getting married tomorrow to my other super-best friend. Well, we don't give crap about that let's talk about Fei

F: Hey, errh, Timothy. I just wanted to thank both you and Alice...3 years ago I woke up in this village without a trace of my memory...I didn't know who I was, where I had been, or what I had been doing up until that day. Despite that, you and Alice sympathized with me and encourage me to go on. If the two of you hadn't been there for me I don't know what would have become of me...Timothy, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
T: Hah! Quit it will ya! You don't have to go and get all mushy on me.
Thanks bro, I just poured out my soul to you, and you pretty much turned into a high school dude and called me gay.
T: And we will go on being friends forever, right?
oh NOW it's all BFF and shit, fuck you Tim
T: Oh yeah, Fei...Could you stop by and check on Alice?

Let's see what the chief has to say

Jesus, everyone is on my case today.

Chief: Just because you live with an old man doesn't mean you have to hold back, you hear!? Why, when I was as young as you are, it seemed like everyday I would...

, thanks for that image, I'll be going now.

As I go for the door Dan, Alice's little brother barges in, he has a special secret for me, but he can't say it here because Timothy is here. Timothy has something to say about that but Dan's waiting with this gem

He's probably just mad because he's a 6 year old who looks like a 65 year old midget with progeria and a receding hairline.

Timothy informs me that tomorrow he'll be Dan's brother-in-law, because that wasn't obvious. But wait, it was all a set up for this

Oh Timothy, you are such a card.

As soon as I leave the house I see a well, let's jump in!


Game: "Well" done! You found a weird item!!

The game always likes to chime in on items with its smartass comments; I'll try to throw up the better/weird ones. Anyway let's check out this weird item

Eyeball?! this should fetch a high price? Where? The black market?

The game warns me that the well is dangerous and I should probably stay out, but what the hell does it know? I just found a super-expensive eyeball, I'm jump back in.

Game: You got Aquasol S! (it's like a high potion).

Game: The well is dangerous, blah, blah, blah,

Fuck you ::jumps in::

Game: "well," "well," "well," you found a Power Ring!

That's what I thought.

I decide to chat it up with the villagers, I play kiss-ass and get some Aquasol which makes the bearcows go crazy apparently. After I watch an old dude plant some applelilys and pumpkinberries he also gives me and aquasol and tells me to try it out, then proceeds to unleash this bomb


You cocksucker, I want to kick is faceass for this, but it's time to go see Alice.


Aside from being an accomplished painter and martial artist, Fei is a master of the obvious.

F: Hmmm...You did a great job there
Oh yeah, he's a seamstress too

Simultaneously F: Hey, uh Alice...
A: Oh, um, Fei...

Turns out she wants a favor she asks if I've seen Dan

F: Knowing him, he's most probably outside gasbagging right now.
yeah, I have no clue what that means. I can only assume it's like teabagging, but with flatulence

She wants Dan to visit Dr. Citan Uzuki (same last name as Shion Uzuki the heroine in Xenosaga) who lives outside of town. She needs his camera for the wedding, I guess he wasn't invited. Anyway, I say that Dan can't be trusted with fragile stuff so I'll get it.

After that we get into the heavy stuff

A: Fei...Have you ever thought about things this way? If...If you had been born in this village...And if we had only known each other earlier on...

This sounds like a "hey if wishes were fishes, I'd let you throw it in" speech, and frankly Fei has better things to do with his time.

To the bar!

I spot a drunk in the corner, let's see what he wants

This is by far the best response, but we're gonna' choose 3 because he'll give us a quest item that we'll use on disk 2

I still don't want to talk to Dan so we're going to go pick up another item that'll be used in 20 hours or so. There's a guy in hut who really loves rock-paper-scissors he wants me to play him for 50G a pop (I have 420 at this point), but if I win 5 in a row he'll give me a surprise and retire, unfortunately for him I have save states.

The bastard gets all smart, like he's dropping clues: "We're just getting started! Are you ready to "rock"?!"

I'm onto his shit though and throw scissors, he throws paper and proceeds to lose another 3 in a row. What's our awesome reward?


It's a home-made badge, score.

Game: Although, no one has any idea what use it has...

This is the game's way of telling us to hang onto this thing no matter what.

So now we're going to detour to see a cameo by Lucca from Chrono Trigger (Thanks for reminding me Captain_duck)

Guess who wants to teach us about memory cubes?



As much as I don't want to see Dan we have to; let's go see what's what

Dan: I've always wished you could have been my brother. You could go steal Alice and run off with her! If you need me to help, I'd be glad to! It may be odd for me to say this, but my sister's beautiful and a good cook...-he whispers- And this is just between you and me but, she's well endowed too! Heh heh heh!
Great, Alice is a tranny

Dan asks me if I'm in or not, since it doesn't do anything either way, I humor the kid.

D: -get's real excited then backs off and says we'd have to be in love and it wouldn't really work- You were really willing to go that far to help me...Fei, you're a good guy!

Apparently "good guys" nail their best pal's girl, remember that kids!

So at this point it's time to go see Citan, but first I'm going to go to the world map and level up to 5 where I get a fourth action point and learn my first deathblow: Raijin (Raijin is God of Thunder in Japanese. For the curious the attack involves no thunder or lightning.) My Japanese is pretty bad, it's been a few years since I took a class (not to say I was ever proficient) so I'll try to throw in an occasional translation, but if any real Japanese speaking goons want to chime in or correct me, feel free.

Once I finish that it's off to Citan's place. The sign in the road says Citan West Walking Course north. I translate this as "loot north," "storyline west" aside from some lame aquasol we find this


Hum...do I want to steal the bird's egg, I think so!

As I go, the bird follows pecking my head; this does 1 damage every 5 seconds or so. Then it gives me the option to keep the egg or give it back. Citan's place is about 30 seconds away and I have 100 HP, I think I'll be ok.


Doc's house, let's loot the place.

Jackpot, I find his daughter's ring in a flowerbed

I'm a real Samaritan. Don't worry I'll give it back in disk 2 when she has something good to trade for it.

Let's check the house

I think she made the joke for me here.

Midori is the little girl in the cream-colored dress; she doesn't speak when I talk to her. Midori means "green" in Japanese so she's a liar and a mute.

Let's find the doctor


There's an explosion

Fei asks what's up, turns out Citan is on the roof.

Yeah, the landcrab with the propellers

C: Oh, and that explosion was nothing to worry about. It happens all the time. Ha,ha,ha
Citan you're a riot.

C: Oh, Yes. There is something in the storeroom...Why not take a look!?
I don't know Citan, maybe because YOU ARE BLOWING SHIT UP ON THE ROOF

Fuck it let's go in



I didn't touch shit

Looks like a music box, and oh look, cherry blossoms (remember kids cherry blossoms indicate nostalgia or memory)

C: Music is a mysterious thing...Sometimes it makes people remember things they do not expect. -Citan can't understand contractions- Many thoughts, feelings, memories...things almost forgotten...Regardless of whether the listener desires to remember them or not..
Y: Doc...I feel strange when I listen to this music...I feel something warm inside.
C: That just may be because you have someone living inside of you...
Holy crap! I'm pregnant!
C: And he too must have liked this music a long time before he became a part of you...

Fei leaves, I don't blame him, Citan was getting pretty weird.

C: It might actually be better to live an ordinary life, in this condition...As a son of man...

At this point it's unclear whether Citian is talking about himself or Fei, pay attention to this and figure it out for yourself later.


Uh-oh


We have dinner then Fei mentions the camera

Citan says he'll bring it himself

No he di'int!


As I'm walking back I see these guys pursuing another gear through the sky. Citan comes running after me

F: Doc! Some Flying objects went toward Lahan!
C: Judging by their shadows, they appear to be a group of gears from our neighboring country, Kislev. !! Oh no! They're headed directly for Lahan!


Well this is no good, and it seems vaguely familiar...

Alice and Timothy run up all, "Holy crap! We can't find Dan" the Doc plays it cool and tells them to evacuate while we save any remaining villagers, wait a second, "we?" shit.


I can't find anyone, but this gear appears to have lost its pilot, where have I seen this before?

Cutscene time (to save some loading times I'll narrate lame intermediate screens)

Camera on Fei then

Close up of Fei's eye reflecting the kid

This cross swings back and forth shooting off lens flairs like it's a the thing to do.



Back to game

C: Do not do this, Fei! You must not fight here...!!
What does he know, he can only identify a gear's type from it's shadow, I'm an artist damn it!


Great, moonspeak, wait a second...

Computer: Identified: Lamb, Ignas Dialect
No pilot exp.--> Easy mode set.
Hello Sheela, big tank, lady

Com: Synchronizing input interface with pilot's normal reflex time.
Warning Pilot: C O M B A T M O D E
About to enter combat! 1200 units of fuel left

Now I get a tutorial (bare-fucking bones) on gear combat

Com: WARNING! Enemy gears are now preparing to attack! Terminating help mode.
At least they waited until I finished the tutorial


I open up with a bitchslap

Followed by an uppercut

Then Reinforcements come

F: On my right too! Damn it! How many of them are there...?


This guy does NOT look like a generic enemy

C: Oh no...This is not good! If "he" awakens here...

Citan sees Dan and asks why the hell he's still here. Dan says he evacuated, but came back for, get this


Citan: Heh...You are such a sentimental little boy...!
what he really means is, "Dan you're a fruit and a moron"

Citan says something about Fei and Dan is all, "You mean he's INSIDE that thing" Citan shoos Dan away.
C: Fei is bound...by the dark cruel destiny of god...


This is Timothy wondering around like a tool, looking for Dan.

Fei: Wait!! Don't shoot! Stop it!! These People have nothing to do with you! Out of the way you bastards!

Fei tries to push his way over

The badass gear gives him the "fuck you" gesture

F: Stop it! I said Sto-p i---t!

Cutscenes








Cross breaks and falls


Those bastards killed Timothy





Hell yes! We showed those guys!



And the town...



And the villagers...




And Alice


Dan screams

Citan knows what to do

Maybe not

Well it could have been worse



Oh.


In closing: Two points

Unless someone objects, Xenogears loves ellipsis more than Squall-fucking-Lionheart, so I'll be judiciously omitting them.

Multiple exclamation points "!!" are for poetry, I will omit most of these as well, with the notable exception of the ones that occur on their own to indicate a character's surprise.