Part 12

For the record, I was killed by Amazon archers if I didn't let Sanchez kill them first, even if I lit the dynamite first or not.

You know what? Let's end this.



Jason is thrown into a large, dark pit. As he gains his senses, he feels danger near. He turns to see a gigantic insect behind a colossal wooden gate. Being devoured by one of the most efficient machines in nature would be a novel experience, but one he would like to put off for awhile....

Such levity before the final boss fight? It's true though. Nature's most efficient machine is a giant fucking ant. Feel free to look it up!



Welcome to the pit.

The Amazons haven't released the ant yet, so you've got some time. Take the boots from the skeleton to get the laces. Take the spear to discover, shit! No spearhead.



That's okay. Combine the shoelaces and the spear to make "Laces and Spear." We'll whip that fucker good...

Okay, fine. Combine your last item, the knife you hopefully stole all the way back in Chapter 5. (It's not so bad - you needed it to undo Maya's ropes in Chapter 8, so you wouldn't be here without it.)

Do all that and you get a knife spear. Get ready because here comes the ant!



Jason assumes his attack position for you. Amazon keeps the bullshit index going as nothing instructs you that 'up' is attack.

Unleash Hell, Jason!



...That's it? Why are you jabbing upward?! Forward you idiot!

Yes, friends. This is not a mini-game. It's a puzzle disgused as a mini-game. Jason can only thrust the spear upward.

Fuck it then. Take this, ant!



No! Don't give up, Jas-



Oh.


underneath but you can't get to it and he snips you into delicious meaty chunks.

Dag.

I knew white pants were a bad idea. Alright, let's try another tactic.

This is actually a puzzle disguised as a mini-game, so here's what we'll do.



Jason assumes a defensive position when the ant comes out. Push the shell (it looks like a rock) toward the wall and climb it. Now you can reach that torch!



The torch is completely optional. The ant will retreat to the left side of the screen and stay there until it runs out. This will give you more time to grab your spear components.

If you know what you're doing, though, you don't need it.

Our problems still aren't solved, though. So we do what any rational person would: get mad and cut a flower! It's hanging down off the wall by the skeleton.

You cut the flower from the vine and it falls to the floor. You can see thick sap slowly beginning to ooze from the cut vine.



When you torch runs out, back away and lead the ant to the flower...



Nature's most efficient machine is easily distracted and begins drinking the sap. Now's your chance. Run in and uppercut this fucker!



Hit detection my ass. Jab anywhere in its vicinity and Access Software says "Yeah, good enough. Let's wrap it up, people."



I have no idea who this woman is. She doesn't say anything, but what she does in the following scene is astounding.



Jason thrusts the spear one more time into the great creatures [sic] underbelly and it shudders and falls to the ground. After a few minutes, two powerfully built Amazon warriors enter the pit and order him to follow. Jason is taken to the entrance of a great temple and told to wait....



Maya's alive. WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT.





I wish I could go back in time and tell Access software not to try to repair image compression by drawing eyes on people. Yikes!





Good God, why does every single portrait of Jason make me want to slap him?



Oh no, I'm gonna have to transcribe a lot, aren't I?

Maya: The waters have the power to quickly regenerate the forest growth. When man desecrates our emerald cathedral, it is our charge to destroy their settlements and return the rain forest to its original condition.

Holy shit, it's like if the Captain Planet team were assembled by leapord-print wearing harlots.

Maya: But the water has another power.... [Makes giant ants?]



Maya: I survived my injuries because the sacred waters were administered to me before I expired. The waters have the power to heal and to prolong life indefinitely. There is a price, however....



This is seriously the hottest thing ever.

Maya: Those who receive the water's divine gift of healing must serve in the temple as a priestess. I will never again be able to journey outside the city walls.



Oh sure. Sanchez running? We only need like two frames of animation for that. Pouring water on a topless girl? Let's fucking fill that memory buffer.

I'd make a snide comment like "I ain't complainin'!" but... no, I'm complaining.



Maya: I told you that I believed there were a few decent men in this world. After all that has happened, I am not so sure.

Wait, wasn't she sure two episodes ago? I thought she trusted Allen? Ugh. Why am I bothering.

Maya: Once, you saved me from slave traders so that I would help you. Now you have saved my tribe, but for what purpose? If you seek your fortune.....

Five ellipses again. This must be difficult for her.



Okay, I'm nitpicking here, but apparently another healing effect of the water is to lengthen, manicure, and polish your nails. After all they fuckin' been through? How are you gonna even fire an arrow- oh forget it.

At any rate, this is why I think they originally intended for multiple endings. We don't get that option though. Jason must follow his heart.

Maya: These great emeralds will make you a man of immeasurable wealth in the outside world. The "Eyes of the Jaguar" emeralds will be yours upon your promise that you will reveal nothing about our people and our mission.

...Or you could just kill him and keep the emeralds. Avenge Anty! What about your ant?!

Maya: If you saved us because of your feeling for me and our cause, you have but to ask and I am yours. You must now choose which is most precious to you....



Jason: That has been achieved if for no other reason than Sanchez was stopped before discovering your secret....

Bullshit! You didn't even know who Sanchez was!

Jason: But now, the only desire I will ever have for the rest of my life is to be with you... now and forever....





Now as if this weren't dumb enough. Just in case you thought this couldn't get any cheesier...



The nameless Amazon from the title card tears up and one of her tears drops with a metallic ting. Maya was a scout! You probably never saw her! And now you're misty-eyed because Jason "The guy I never met and killed our novelty giant ant" is gonna marry her?!



I don't know if there's much else to say.

The Amazon cast consists of local strippers named Denise Goodbod, Candy Barr, and Dixie Kupps. And I promise you that is the truth. The producers wanted you to know that no insects were harmed in the making of the game. Yes, that's in there, too.

Well, gang, I think we all learned something here.

Men and women really can live and work together in harmony. Even if most men are jerks, there's a few out there who are okay, I guess. So the next time your boyfriend saves you from slave traders and says something insensitive like he needed your help, just remember! He could have taken the emerald and not lived with you and your... uh, like 9 other Amazon friends. Enjoy the rest of your life caring for him in this harsh jungle environment... cause seriously, look at him.

And for the men... the next time you take money to throw a guy out of a plane, HOLD ON TO THE DAMN PLANE.

Maybe if we remember things like that, we can make it after all.

Let's Play Amazon: Guardians of Eden

Dedicated To Tony Martin - He dove like a condor to a corpse

The End.