Part 9: Time for CRIME!

Time for CRIME!

Welcome back! Last time on Black Geyser we did dumb shit for Lord Frelsi. Today we're going to do some more sidequests, not because they're super cool (they're not, although one is kind of interesting) but because the endgame for Black Geyser is a tedious fucking slog and we can get our hands on a unique weapon now. Don't worry, we'll be back for the main plot next update.



The main quest is sending off to Vintner's Grove, and we'll humor it temporarily because we want to get the quest reward.



We have to go to the cellar but that is a very stupid quest for another time.



This guy wants us to go to a farm area and steal him some golden grapes.



This sounds like the kind of thing that would increase GREED, but it's in fact possible to lower your greed on this quest that requires you to steal and murder a bunch of peasants.



He nonchalantly blurts this out to. I'll omit the "witty" dialog and just tell you we've taken the quest. Unfortunately, the game doesn't actually put Dalkivar on our map despite this guy presumably knowing where it is, so we have to wander around "southwest of us" until we find it. I just say fuck it and use a guide.



A bunch of boars attack us which is great because we need meat for the next part of the quest.



These bandits die.



It completes this random merchant's sidequest and he gives us a shitty belt.



This is a weird little sidequest, so you get to see it in its entirety.

: What seems to be the problem, spirit?



: Can you not merely walk to the water?



I must say, the generic druid sprite coupled with the portrait is giving me extreme lazy vibes.

: What must I do?



Now the writers want you to think there's something amiss here - and if you look at the tree, the land is withering - but it runs into the problem of "bad writing". I commend the writers for sticking to mostly dialog instead of doing a Tides of Numenera style shitty character description (The woman before you is green and verdant) and it's just kind of nuts all around.

The real trouble is that the last dialog options fits in with the rest of the game's "Ha ha, I am a bad man and it's time for murder!" options. Well, let's go plant a seed, how hard can it be?

: Please hurry! The ground is so dry, and we are becoming weak...

So we run across to the apparently one stretch of river we can plant a seed in.



: Let me have a look at you.



: I have no idea what you mean.



Huh? Why do you care?

: I'm afraid I haven't the slightest idea what you mean. (Bargain and Persuasion)

I figure the diplomatic option would maybe get him to explain what the fuck he was talking about, because I sure as hell don't know.





I did not cut anything out here. At least, I'm pretty sure I didn't.



The druid has a wolf buddy but he dies like a fuckin chump.



We plant the seed because we murdered a druid I guess? It's a good thing that druid didn't explain shit about what was happening and randomly picked a fight with five armed men and women.



Can YOU see what's wrong here?



: Is everything all right?

: Oh, we are fine. The water is just so surprising after so long being so thirsty. Now for your reward.



This feels like it should be important or useful, but Alnarius and Tilindia fucking suck and are garbage morons. More on that later.

: Thank you, my lady. May your life be long and your roots grow deep.

Yea, the area around the tree is dead.

: Farewell. And safe travels.


So, yes, the game desperately wants to hint that planting the seed is bad but runs face first into the skill of its writers. Well, guess what, it's bad.



Now, of course, we didn't hear any of the old man's spiel. Let's go to the town in the next area and buy some be-



Oh. The guide I'm using says everyone in Scofarth is dead (I guess they drank the green water?). There was a dead fox next to the entrance.



I whiff the screenshot, but this person spawns in upright then collapses over dead.



Strangely, the compendium doesn't have anything to say about the denizens of Scofarth getting fucking annihilated by green magic Kool-Aid so...



This lady and her children survived so she could send us on a run to get medicine. I'm not even fucking kidding, her strategy for getting people to help out her children is to wait for heavily armed people to break into her house, wait for them to go up to the upper floor, and then let them steal everything while politely asking if we could go buy a bunch of medicines for her children with our own money. She's not even yelling "help" out the window or anything.



It's a Walgreens run. It will not shock you to learn that despite Siracca supposedly being called by Alnarius, the king of the gods, to heal people she has absolutely nothing to say here.



So, what happened? Apparently, you can talk to the druid and he tells you that it's a poisonous seed that will pollute the water or some shit and you can either destroy it or go on another sidequest to cure the tree or whatever.

Honestly?

I don't care enough to reload to do that. It's really stupid that the diplomacy option turns him hostile before he actually tells you what's going on - the rest of his dialog is just calling you a dumbass - there's really no reason to suspect the dryad is going to do a mass poisoning except maybe the area around the tree being dead, and quite frankly I'm no longer expecting that level of consistency in this game. Sure, you could ask why when everything else is green that tree is dying, but I'll be honest - the druid's plan of just fucking sitting around one spot on the river waiting for people to dig holes is idiotic and nonsensical. What if we'd gone the other way and planted the seed upriver? Remember, he's not supposed to come across as a dumbass, he's supposed to be a wise old man warning the impulsive youngsters that they're supposed to do something real stupid. Of course, because I have no idea what druids are supposed to do I have no idea if dryads are sacred to the druid faith or not. I have no idea what the hell kind of poison spreads from a sapling to kill an entire town in a minute yet leaves no fumes that hurt our party because I guess everyone drank the green water. It's a mildly interesting idea badly executed, or should I say, "Black Geyser'd"?



: As for my problem, we were robbed while we were sleeping. A woman can't very well skip her rest, now can she? That's how you get those black satchels under your eyes.

Ms. Silverfeather here has her own portrait for some reason (I believe this was just patched in) and a ton of text boxes describing her quest, which... guess what?



It's another fucking fetch quest!



God damn you sure like to talk.



No, she's not a party member or anything useful.

: I don't think I can-

: Well, I can't command you to assist me, but at least you know what I'm after. Perhaps you will stumble across the criminals at some point.

This drops the quest into the journal because you will do it and you will LIKE it.



Did I mention she forces you into this conversation?




We cured the dryad but destroyed the town apparently. No, there's no way to actually confront the dryad about the poisoning. What do you think this is, a well plotted and well thought out game?



FETCH QUESTS ARE DA POOP! NO MORE!



We get to Dalkivar and this random peasant runs up to us to give us a message.

Unfortunately, we're in the Black Geyser logic zone, so let's check our psychic journal to figure out what the hell to do.



What? No! No, that's not what they said at all! They just gave us a blanket injunction to stay out of town!





Shockingly this is actually related to the main plot.

: What are you doing down here? What's wrong with those outside?

Peasant: Hiding, what else? We were working the vineyards of Dalkivar until about a week ago when some of our workers started acting strange. Their movements became erratic, and a strange green glow engulfed their eyes.



: I'm Inta Rume. I found your place as I traversed Dalkivar. Is everything alright with you?

Peasant: No, not at all! We've been sitting in this cellar for a whole week now, trying to decipher whether to stay put or make a run for it.



So, we have no choice to actually uncurse the farmers or anything. I believe this is because The Crone told us that the curse of GREED was uncounterable.

: I shall put down the farmers above. Wait here.



Naturally, none of the party members object to rolling up and straight up murdering all the farmers. I get they're holding these guys in the basement, but no one even bothers asking if we couldn't try to cure them or whatever. Remember, no one else was at the Crone's to learn about the curse of GREED!




We have to force attack the peasants. Now, the glowing green eyes are associated with greed - the marketing material for this game shows a peasant's eyes lighting up with greed, the undead miser has green glowing eyes, etc - but it's bizarre because they don't seem to be doing anything that's greedy so much as stupid. They're not hoarding. The plan is to mix blood with wine to make money how? Why not just... water down the wine? Hell, having them kill each other over the wine profits makes more sense than whatever the fuck is happening here!



There are of course peasants just standing around all over the village waiting to be murdered because the developers wanted to pad out playtime. Now, I want to point out that only 3.1% of the Steam playerbase actually finished Black Geyser, so I don't think this worked the way the developers intended.



We can also go into this house and murder the peasants. Whee!



What we're really here for are these Golden Grapes. We can turn them into Vincent to start... another fetch quest. If the town hasn't aggro'd all the green-eyed peasants try to kill you, but we can get some more experience out of it.

The psychic journal updates to let us know we can cash in the quest and we tell the peasant he can go.





These guys are dicking around outside our main quest area. I believe they're the people who got scammed into buying expensive booze because it was supposed to be a magical potion that let you win fights. I dunno. They have a lot of unfunny dialog I have to click through, and no, we are not given the option to take umbrage that they're saying racist shit.

Hilariously, Rillow were a $75,000 stretch goal on the kickstarter, so there was a nonzero chance we could have avoided having an entire race composed of offensive Asian stereotypes who run drug dens. $125,000 unlocks the Garden of Delights, which, uh... we'll get there.



They let us know the bandits who robbed Silverfeather went to the north, but not before referring to the product as "grog". I guess the bandits changed scams?



We give the grapes to Vincent and he says a bunch of vines grew into a bow and gives us this.



Now we have to go to Iwor the giant blacksmith in Traitor Town.



He wants us to bring him meat, but as I've been slaughtering animals in the forest in preparation for this day.



Thanks, asshole.

We have to go back to the herbalist.



: Can you help me remove the vines covering this bow? They seem to be magical in nature.

Herbalist: I might be able to help, let me take a look.

Herbalist: Ah, yes, my child. I see most of the work has already been done. I will shrink the rest of the vines to make the bow usable.



Not pictured: me selling a bunch of shit.

: We have a deal. Here you go. 3000 gold.

Herbalist: Here, it is done. I must warn you, however, the vines were far from natural. As they shrank away, I sensed a magical power surge through the grip. I fear your bow might be cursed. Unless you know a way to lift the curse, I advise against using it.

So, yes, after an entire quest chain we get a cursed weapon. The bonus point is that there's an achievement for unlocking the weapon that only 1.6% of players have.



: Are you Feldegug, perchance?

What an awkward conversational opener.



: What do you know about a three-eyed wolf?

Herbalist: Ah, the old white elf tale! I can tell if to you if you're patient.

FUCK

DEEP LORE!



Bjalla should be initiating this conversation! This is her quest and her backstory about being babied by a magical three-eyed wolf.



I just realized that despite being made in 2021, this game doesn't have the system Tyranny invented with the hyperlinks. I know that Dargalmir is the evil demigod who kidnapped the elves and made them white because he didn't have any friends because I foolishly read this crap.

These guys live in a preindustrial society. I don't know how the fuck the elves wouldn't be inseparable from nature. We're learning the hard way that despite all our machines we're inseparable from nature.



Herbalist: When the Feldegug matriarchs returned home, they each visited the wolf pack connected to their clan. The final enchantment in the ritual bound the strongest and most vital wolf to a diadem.

"The elves were inseparable from nature, which is how they befriended all the wolves. They then sentenced their six strongest wolf friends to eternal servitude in magic hats."



Also I guess the wolves can just show up because that one wolf saved Bjalla.

: That was an amazing tale, thank you. What about this diadem? Can you identify it?

Herbalist: Hmm. All I can say is it's a remarkable piece of craftsmanship. I am sorry, my dear.



Bjalla is not smart enough to mention that, you know, the wolf actually showed up. We also never actually talked about one of the wolves having three eyes. I don't even know.

Herbalist: Perhaps. It certainly is beautiful.



Bjalla's really convinced she's going to do something special and amazing and I have no idea what it is.

Herbalist: Such questions are far beyond the kend[sic] of an old herb peddler, my dear. I'm afraid I have only disappointed you.

: Not at all, grandmother. I'm very grateful for what you shared.



Keep this in mind for later. I'm shocked, because it's entirely possible to stumble across this temple and be completely blindsided by what comes next.



And now, we leave.


So we talk to Bjalla per the psychic journal's request.



: What's on your mind?



We literally learned its history and what it did. There are no legends about it being passed down to chosen ones or any of that shit.

: What do you make of it, what you've learned so far?



I'm not really clear how she made the nobility but who am I to judge?

: What do you intend to do about the diadem?



: We have a lot in common, you and I, what with our mysterious lineage and the weird expectations we face, often from strangers. But also from ourselves.



Yes, you can romance Bjalla, and it's hilarious.

: Haha, I feel exactly the same! It can't be easy being an enigma, even to yourself. But I admire your perseverance. I have a feeling as long as we stick together, we'll come through all this just fine.

: Ahem! Well. That's very kind of you to say, Inta Rume. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying this partnership of ours as much as I am.

Lady, you have the most developed sidequest so here we are. No, there's not one for Siracca thank Christ.




The bow has a bunch of stats and seemingly really low DPS.



Fortunately, Siracca can just remove the curse because that's the one and only reason to have a cleric class.



I swing by the Valley of the Singing Trees to go grab the named halberd from the spider quest.



Another party member! Here's the thing, you want to pick up party members as late as possible because they scale to your level. The neoseeker guide recommends soloing as much of the game as possible to grind up so you don't need to split XP with the team.

Chrysante: And what did you learn?

: I heard the wind.

Chrysante: Yes, good, but what did Tilindia tell you?

: Tilindia does not speak to me on the wind. As I believe I've said before. Isn't there some other way to discern her will? Can't you just tell me what she wants?



: What are you two arguing about?

Chrysante: Every druid in Isilmerald must make a pilgrimage to the Valley of Singing Trees every ten years and make an offering to Tilindia. This particular adherent is having difficulty.



: What happens if you skip the offering?

: In the past, when I've made the journey and failed to hear Tilindia's request, the dreams ceased.

Chrysante: This time, you shall have no rest until you appease the goddess. Unless you make an offering, the dreams will continue, even should they drive you mad.






Oh, ok.



The magic tree has a cool reward for us.



It's a named halberd that gives us +5 to physique but also makes us stupid flammable.

...it does come with 30% bludgeoning resistance, so we'll hang onto it.



Sea Hag has no idea what to do and we're obviously supposed to dick around. I decide this is enough sidequest nonsense and that it's time to go continue the main quest.



The adventurers are still there but they attack us, dying horribly and dropping a fuckton of magic items in the process.



The spell effects in this game look terrible and make it really hard to figure out what's going on.





Inta gets pimped out harder on our quest to make her able to destroy everything with no effort. To the basement!



Next Time: Time travel!